A bit of a Dear Diary time today about my sister. She’s the one who at the start of the Corona Crazy Time, I seriously was angry at.
Well, her reaction to the whole scernio also forced me to see that she is in fact nuts. Not just dramatic and thatrical, or wanting attention- she is nuts.
After our confrontation and then peace talks I just- I wanted to pull away. My understanding of her has changed and its shitty to say and also true that I don’t feel I have the energy or patience for it.
I guess I finally personally experienced what other family members had years ago, that being far away geographically I never did. I am also the last of my family members to see clearly that she is actually mentally ill
I always had some type of explanation
( again, one of my personal faults is attributing positivity to aspects of people based on what I want to see and not fully factual reality) to make sense to me …but no. She’s really nuts. Pulling out her own teeth nuts. My mom told me she pulled another one last week.
I truthfully thought a lot of her behavior was for attention, amd I didn’t think badly of her for that, I just though “Well, that my sister and she’s always been that way”.
Admittedly I’d also explain to myself her actions in a way that made sense., if she was in fact only dramatic, had a bit of an ego, and liking attention.
Well she had quieted down texting to me after our confrontation and subsequent hashing out peace talks, the first we ever had in our lives as sisters toward each other, and the quiet was a relief.
Through all the stupid corona mess everyone is feeling, I felt I had no energy to sugar coat my replies to what I now saw as nutzo rantings…then I’d feel bad for feeling that frustration for my big sister then I’d feel that …disinterest in trying to engage at all. Which made me feel bad too!
I still would text about once a week asking how things were etc. She would sometimes reply right away, sometimes not reply for a few days then reply not to what I texted but something unrelated, or a religious yoitube clip link.
Or I’d get a text from a new phone number that she got saying she’s changed her phone number. She’s changed numbers so many times, at least 3 times this year. Her reasons are people texting her who she doesn’t want to hear from anymore, or the all emcompassing label of “drama” …its just…exhausting.
This is new for me. Feeling actual irritation and frustration, exhaustion from our interactions. She has NOT changed, this is the same sister, doing the same things she has done for years, I just see her differently now. So I guess I have changed. I cruelly have not updated my patience for this new understand ing if her yet.
No real great place to vent about this either except my other family members and they have had YEARS to adjust to this. I also feel bad venting to them.
It took the shut down for me to see clearly and now I can’t unsee it! I know it is pointless and potentially cruel to say what I really want to say her texts, that they are insane and they are annoying when she does not see semse and is so passionately believes her side of it- which is nuts, I used to think ot was purely ego. Insane seems like a demeaning classification compared to the EGO I thought was the culprit before.
The sister who lived in the body before this mentally ill one is the one I’d be trying to communicate to and that sister is no longer around. I feel awful admitting that.
Anyways. I had been doing the texting every week checking in and I got no response. I assumed she was busy or distracted , or had still beem a bit hurt by me so she was distancing herself. I did not take it as her slighting me.
I get a call while I am at work wednesday and I checked my voicemail. She had called asking if I was mad at her since I had stopped texting her and she just wanted to be sure I wasn’t. It wasn’t a mean message at all, she was worried and even offered encouraging words’ like she always does! She realky does live me!!-’ towards the end…but…Her voice…the voice on my voicemail was, of a crazy person. Hearing it just…yeah.
Turns out I had been texting her old phone number and she never got my texts for weeks Once I figured out that I told her what happened and she was ok with it and understood. Now however I noticed I was relieved not seeing all the…well…the interactions.
I love her very much. She has a big heart and she truly does try to help a lot of people, she loves me too and shows it. I feel guilty for feeling this new frustration and annoyance. Even writing it out makes me feel bad , like I putting her down or acting like I am better then her. I am not- I know anyone can go crazy.
The older I get the more I know myself and apparently I am intolerant of her behavior. I don’t even know if I want to work on being tolerant if it. That in itself is a admission on my part that could really be called mean. And unloyal to family. It is the truth though 
