She's Letting Herself Go

Off Topic
61

[quote]dianab wrote:

[quote]Nate112 wrote:

[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]

I’m sure you mean very well by this idea, but OP FUCK THAT NOISE.
Don’t give up on getting her in the gym man, it’s not fair that your working out and keeping in shape but she is letting her ass get even closer to not fitting through a door! You have physical desires as well and if you are fitting hers why shouldn’t she have to fit yours? It’s not only selfish but unhealthy for her too!

:D[/quote]

I get what you are saying, and it would be a great world if we could make the ones we care about change their behaviors you match out ideals. It may not be fair that he stays in shape and has physical desires that she doesn’t meet because of her weight, but as I’m sure you know life is rarely fair.
OP, if you love her and value the family that you have together, then accept her for what she is. Your acceptance may reduce her misery.
There is nothing wrong with being in love with an overweight person. If you forsee a future that will make YOU miserable however, you are not obligated to stay. PMPM is right about the resentment issues, pushing fitness on her will make her feel worse about herself. It’s a tough choice to make though, and I’m glad I’m not in your shoes. [/quote]

So, either accept her unhealthy lifestyle or leave and completely give up on her…I don’t want to call you an idiot but…

62

[quote]Vegita wrote:
Well I’m going to come at this from another angle. First of you can force someone to change, it’s really not very hard either. You just have to be willing to keep constant pressure, it’s going to be as tough for you as it is for her, I’m guessing actually you will let her slack before she flips out and runs away. But I digress. You first have to catch her feeling bad about herself.

You then have to build that feeling up a little, don’t be mean to her, just reinforce that you also feel bad about this and you wish there was something you could do to help. She will say, Oh, I wish you could to I’m a lost cause bla bla bla. And then you say… Wait did you just say you wish there was a way I could help. And then let her come to the realization, that you can help, but she has to let you help her. So you say, Well I can help, it’s really not that hard, but I don’t want to force you into anything.

Then she will say, oh it’s not hard?, ok so you will help me then? And you come back with, well to be honest, I think it’s going to put a strain on our relationship, so there is one condition to me helping you do this. She will ask you what the one condition is and you say, You eat what I tell you to eat and when, and more importantly, you don’t eat outsdie of a certain set of circumstances we will build together. THEN you do workouts when I tell you to, at the intensity I tell you to, for the duration I tell you to. Be sure to tell her you only want her to be happy, let her know that her looks are important to you, but that what is really important is that you want her to remain the person you fell in love with, the sexy, confident positive person, not a balooning, self loathing mess.

OP, from what I gather, you did not start out dating her in her current condition, or mental state. Nobody stays the same forever, but it’s hardly selfish of you to actually want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you are attracted to and who is not a negative self loathing person.

V[/quote]

PIMP game 101

63

It is very hard (almost impossible) to change someone on purpose and you are very likely to fail. People don’t want to be changed. (X is right on that one and the “you should have know” part)

Some people do want to feel good however. You might have more luck approaching the issue from the other side. It sounds you are trying to make for the same reasons as you do and it sounds like you first and foremost want to look good. She might just want to feel good.

I remember when a girl I know first went running with me. She didn’t want to lose weight. She just wanted to feel energized. Years later now she still runs on occasion, lost weight and looks great! To her the weight loss was just a bonus. All I had to do was train/play with her and give her some tips when she asked for it or I felt like it.

Your woman might not work the way you do. Have you ever asked what she wants and offered your help to reach that goal? She might just want to feel good. Many women I know are scared off by the notion of ‘training’, but are very willing to ‘play’. Give her fun tools to feel good and then let it go. ‘Training’ sounds and is too forced for many people. You could propose different sports (that are based on having fun and don’t feel like training) and hope she takes the bait.

Good luck.

64

OP,

all I can offer you is my experience to learn from.
Married young. Girl was a little chunky, mom was obese.
had 2 kids, she balooned, and acutally got bariatric surgery (which I was against, because it is an external fix to an internal problem). she lost some weight but was continually depressed.
went to counseling. her. her and I. just me. pretty hopeless. no sex for YEARS. meds for all my friends.
She didnt cook, didnt keep house it was horrible. Obviously depressed and self destructive.
After 15 years I pulled the plug and now live on 1/2 income from support for 2 kids and her lazy ass that never worked a lick and has since gained back lots of weight.

So what can you learn from this?

  • from a purely business perspective, the sooner you end the relationship the better off you will be. Painful as the divorce or separation will be, you will be better off in the LONG RUN.
  • from a relationship perspective, you will not get what you need from this person. You will have better luck finding someone else with similar values, better work ethics etc. You can still be available to help this woman, just not LEGALLY or FINANCIALLY obligated to. you can spend time together, you can drive her to counseling if that is your wish, but from a detached perspective and she won’t be dragging you down. She has to make the decision to change. Let her know you will help her when she makes that choice, but you can’t wait. You only have one life. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. There is a strong tendency that she will end up like the rest of her family because that is what she considers normal. Avoid that strong possibility by ending it now.
  • she cannot love you if she does not love herself.
  • save your life. You will gain back wasted years by ending it now. You can gainfully live those years in a better manner. you cannot get back wasted years, youth, energy, money.
  • if you choose to remain, then accept your fate. I took that path and spent YEARS offering help, cooking, cleaning, doing counseling, spending more than I had to keep life fun, when it could not change the end result. If you choose to stay, realize she may never meet your expectations. And then what? you will not respect her as a person, your love will fade and you may build resentment. and then what. You may just see the light and then try to separate years later at a much higher cost.

good luck. Truly mission impossible.
end rant.
"now paging ‘Bitter’, party of one, your table is now ready…

65

[quote]Nate112 wrote:

[quote]dianab wrote:

[quote]Nate112 wrote:

[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]

I’m sure you mean very well by this idea, but OP FUCK THAT NOISE.
Don’t give up on getting her in the gym man, it’s not fair that your working out and keeping in shape but she is letting her ass get even closer to not fitting through a door! You have physical desires as well and if you are fitting hers why shouldn’t she have to fit yours? It’s not only selfish but unhealthy for her too!

:D[/quote]

I get what you are saying, and it would be a great world if we could make the ones we care about change their behaviors you match out ideals. It may not be fair that he stays in shape and has physical desires that she doesn’t meet because of her weight, but as I’m sure you know life is rarely fair.
OP, if you love her and value the family that you have together, then accept her for what she is. Your acceptance may reduce her misery.
There is nothing wrong with being in love with an overweight person. If you forsee a future that will make YOU miserable however, you are not obligated to stay. PMPM is right about the resentment issues, pushing fitness on her will make her feel worse about herself. It’s a tough choice to make though, and I’m glad I’m not in your shoes. [/quote]

So, either accept her unhealthy lifestyle or leave and completely give up on her…I don’t want to call you an idiot but…[/quote]

Hey if it gets to the point you have to post about the problem on T-Nation, hell yes, take a decision and get on with it.

66

[quote]dianab wrote:

[quote]Nate112 wrote:

[quote]dianab wrote:

[quote]Nate112 wrote:

[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]

I’m sure you mean very well by this idea, but OP FUCK THAT NOISE.
Don’t give up on getting her in the gym man, it’s not fair that your working out and keeping in shape but she is letting her ass get even closer to not fitting through a door! You have physical desires as well and if you are fitting hers why shouldn’t she have to fit yours? It’s not only selfish but unhealthy for her too!

:D[/quote]

I get what you are saying, and it would be a great world if we could make the ones we care about change their behaviors you match out ideals. It may not be fair that he stays in shape and has physical desires that she doesn’t meet because of her weight, but as I’m sure you know life is rarely fair.
OP, if you love her and value the family that you have together, then accept her for what she is. Your acceptance may reduce her misery.
There is nothing wrong with being in love with an overweight person. If you forsee a future that will make YOU miserable however, you are not obligated to stay. PMPM is right about the resentment issues, pushing fitness on her will make her feel worse about herself. It’s a tough choice to make though, and I’m glad I’m not in your shoes. [/quote]

So, either accept her unhealthy lifestyle or leave and completely give up on her…I don’t want to call you an idiot but…[/quote]

Hey if it gets to the point you have to post about the problem on T-Nation, hell yes, take a decision and get on with it.
[/quote]

This makes it sound like it takes some great effort to post a personal problem here. Lets be honest, there are a lot of like minded individuals here and we are all online “buddies” for lack of a better word. I am sure that the OP will find some useful information on here and in the end, hopefully he follows it and his life ends up better for it. There is no greater sin than not coming to the realization that there is a problem. At least Op isn’t doing that. Like my good frind Mr. Zalinski once said, “Great you’ve identified it, Step two is Warshing it off”

It’s fine if OP wants to “wash it off” I have an 8 year old daughter with a woman I am not married to. It happens, we all live peacful fulfilling lives now, because we didn’t force something that wasn’t there. We didn’t turn a hard situation into a brutally impossible one. The only thing I wanted to get across to OP was yes you can change someone, fuck women do it every single day. Let me say that again, Every single day thousands of young men get turned from exciting young men, into complete pussy bitches because they got a taste of pussy, and thier girl is manipulative and knows how to use his newfound drug to put his ass on lockdown.

OP the choice for you is, Is it appropriate for you to change her, or better, change her back. Hell you aren’t even asking her to be something completely foreign to herself, You are just asking her to be her old self. With my limited insight to your situation, to me at least it sounds like you should give it another go, but maybe first learn a little bit about how to do it. It’s not hard, you just have to know how to communicate well, and read people well. I would call it manipulative, but it’s not really that, I mean you are manipulating to the extent that she will go down the path you lead her, but thats just the thing, you become her leader, she follows you where you will lead her. The place you lead her is full of great life experiences, so don’t feel bad, or let anyone else tell you it’s bad to do this. If you were manipulating her with the intent of making her miserable, that would be a bad thing, you want her to be healthy and happy, and you also benefit from this. Be her leader.

V

68

Wise words, as usual, BBB.

69

Its not just females that don’t care about training/nutrition…
Been with my ol man for 12 years, and it took me finding out I have a few food allergies (and nearly having to go to the ER) for him to change his view on food!

70

[quote]mmllcc wrote:
You obviously do not motivate her…that means she doesn’t really love you. Probably because you are a poor leader (this is your fault by the way). So since she does not love you – get rid of her. Since you obviously had a child with her and are not married, you show yourself to be a white trash punk loser anyway so it should not be hard to move on for either of you.[/quote]

You are Asshole #1

71

[quote]Nominal Prospect wrote:

[quote]GorillaBiscuits wrote:
My sons mother, whom I have been with for about 5 yrs now is really letting herself go… her mother and sister for a better word are very fat, unhappy, unmotivated, and for the most part miserable human beings. Now don’t get me wrong, I love this woman, but she is traveling down a road to the same place as her family…She has let herself go, and now she is really on a oneway train with little hope for redirection.

I have exhausted all options to try to motivate her, and am always greeting with a fresh excuse of why she can’t work out, eat right, etc… I can’t. Even bring it up in a conversation without her getting all butt hurt. She is miserable over the way she looks, and is always in a shit mood as well. How should I approach it? I’m out of ideas…now don’t get me wrong people, I’m not talking about a couple of vanity pounds, I’m talking about a solid 100lbs.[/quote]

It’s entirely your fault.

Not for her getting fat, but for choosing to live with her.

I predict you will not have the balls to leave. In other words, you are going to spend the next 20-30 years of life living with a fat, old woman.

Have fun.[/quote]

A-hole #2

72

[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]

x2.

73

[quote]bushidobadboy wrote:

I’m sorry, but this post is bullshit, negative rubbish.

Sure, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. So what do you do? FInd out what reasons she has TO change.

Find her inner motivation and tap into it.

My fiancee didn’t really want to change her hydration, nutrition, etc. However I made it clear that since I expect high standards from myself, I can reasonably expect the same standards from her. I told her quite openly that if she gets fat, and won’t address it, then I’m out of there. Conversely if she thinks I’m getting fat/lazy/selfish, etc, she must tell me she expects me to change. If I choose not to, then she can leave me, totally guilt-free on her part.

Since she didn’t like the thought of me leaving her, she began to (slowly) change her bad habits for good ones. Now she is glad she did (or so she tells me, haha). Now she maintains herself because she appreciates how it makes her look and relate to other people.

Sometimes it takes the sincere realisation of the end of a relationship or the loss of something important to light a fire under someones’ ass.

Of course, if she doesn’t value the relationship or you, then that won’t work.

BBB[/quote]

while you make a good point BBB, i get the impression this ‘deal’ was made earlier in the relationship and the OP is much further along in his relationship with his significant other.

WHICH, i think, makes it much harder to change

74

[quote]HolyMacaroni wrote:

[quote]bushidobadboy wrote:

I’m sorry, but this post is bullshit, negative rubbish.

Sure, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. So what do you do? FInd out what reasons she has TO change.

Find her inner motivation and tap into it.

My fiancee didn’t really want to change her hydration, nutrition, etc. However I made it clear that since I expect high standards from myself, I can reasonably expect the same standards from her. I told her quite openly that if she gets fat, and won’t address it, then I’m out of there. Conversely if she thinks I’m getting fat/lazy/selfish, etc, she must tell me she expects me to change. If I choose not to, then she can leave me, totally guilt-free on her part.

Since she didn’t like the thought of me leaving her, she began to (slowly) change her bad habits for good ones. Now she is glad she did (or so she tells me, haha). Now she maintains herself because she appreciates how it makes her look and relate to other people.

Sometimes it takes the sincere realisation of the end of a relationship or the loss of something important to light a fire under someones’ ass.

Of course, if she doesn’t value the relationship or you, then that won’t work.

BBB[/quote]

while you make a good point BBB, i get the impression this ‘deal’ was made earlier in the relationship and the OP is much further along in his relationship with his significant other.

WHICH, i think, makes it much harder to change[/quote]

…and the same goes for any relationship. You can’t start things showing disinterest in an area UNTIL things get to a certain level. If you don’t show yourself as a “leader” early on you won’t suddenly earn respect later that wasn’t there to start with.

There is no way in hell some deal like that is going to fly after YEARS of acting like her behavior wasn’t such a big deal.

After years of “yes dears” and “whatever you say, dears” you can’t suddenly change to “hell no woman!” and expect to be taken seriously.

I also see some members here acting like their personal situations couldn’t easily have gone in the opposite direction. What if BBB’s girl said no? What if the other guy’s girl simply chose to stay fat instead of choosing to go to the gym? They are only success stories because their girl CHOSE to change instead of giving years of excuses like the OP stated.

75

I dunno, my dad left my mom because she got fat (his words), and she wasn’t even terribly fat. she’s about 5’5 150. So I’m kinda biased about that. Though the difference is this context is that you’re trying to help, just not terribly effectively apparently. That and they were married. For the record though telling her she’s fat is unlikely to do much.

Now, sexist as this may be whenever I want a woman to listen to what I’m saying and know that they’ll disagree with it. I include the word “feeling” into the advice somehow. Don’t try to be overly logical. So talk about how it’s making her feel, and that the way she is now seems to be making her unhappy.

And yeah yeah yeah, that sounds sexist or derogatory but in my (limited) experience that seems to get through to most women.

76

That’s my worst nightmare, my woman getting fat. I hope that day never comes.

Sounds to me like she’s depressed. I’d encourage her to see a counselor and/or psychologist.

77

[quote]Producer wrote:
That’s my worst nightmare, my woman getting fat. I hope that day never comes.

Sounds to me like she’s depressed. I’d encourage her to see a counselor and/or psychologist. [/quote]

Anti-depressants cause weight gain. This guy is screwed.

[quote]chimera182 wrote:
Now, sexist as this may be whenever I want a woman to listen to what I’m saying and know that they’ll disagree with it. I include the word “feeling” into the advice somehow. Don’t try to be overly logical. So talk about how it’s making her feel, and that the way she is now seems to be making her unhappy.

And yeah yeah yeah, that sounds sexist or derogatory but in my (limited) experience that seems to get through to most women.[/quote]
Well, what you posted was entirely factual.

If it is “derogatory to women,” then it simply means that female behavior is derogatory to women. Never apologize for speaking the truth.

78

wow, this is a great read overall. I have this issue, kind of always have. In college I remember getting the rep that girls would start eating like me once they started dating me and at the time I liked thicker gals (i was a little thicker then myself) and the gals I dated would lose weight.

but now out and in the real world I have come to the realization taht you need to find someone who has the past or history of non overweight or soemone who is motivated for change. My gal is naturally pretty thin and is always prepared to whip herself into shape when she feels the need.

Not to mention she loves me and wants to stay in shape for me.

79

[quote]Nominal Prospect wrote:
Anti-depressants cause weight gain. This guy is screwed.
[/quote]

I didn’t suggest anti-depressants (that’s what a psychiatrist is for), all though that may be an option after some other efforts are made.

I don’t believe weight gain is the norm for anti-depressant users.

80

[quote]Producer wrote:

[quote]Nominal Prospect wrote:
Anti-depressants cause weight gain. This guy is screwed.
[/quote]

I didn’t suggest anti-depressants (that’s what a psychiatrist is for), all though that may be an option after some other efforts are made.

I don’t believe weight gain is the norm for anti-depressant users.
[/quote]

Anti- Depressants? You are retarded for even considering that as an option. Have you read nothing on this site? That girl needs to be supplementing with 2000+ IUs of Vitamin D per day, then tell me if she is still F’ing Depressed. Anti-Depressants are the frigging worst thing Big Pharma has come up with. Vitamin D improves your mood, The majority of people are vitamin D deficient, especially children and youths, hence why there are more and more people suffering from depression.

Now I realize that Vitamin D doesn’t cure bad thought patterns or make choices for people, but it’s a good start, and far better then some pill that was made to make you sicker.