My sons mother, whom I have been with for about 5 yrs now is really letting herself go… her mother and sister for a better word are very fat, unhappy, unmotivated, and for the most part miserable human beings. Now don’t get me wrong, I love this woman, but she is traveling down a road to the same place as her family…She has let herself go, and now she is really on a oneway train with little hope for redirection.
I have exhausted all options to try to motivate her, and am always greeting with a fresh excuse of why she can’t work out, eat right, etc… I can’t. Even bring it up in a conversation without her getting all butt hurt. She is miserable over the way she looks, and is always in a shit mood as well. How should I approach it? I’m out of ideas…now don’t get me wrong people, I’m not talking about a couple of vanity pounds, I’m talking about a solid 100lbs.
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.
Try to train with her?? I didn’t realize Dcotor Phil was on this forum. Too bad OP never thought of this idea!
Thats rough Gorilla. Personally I think how a person views themself is a reflection of who they are. She clearly doesn’t respect herself so how can she demand it from others. This kind of attitude is corrosive to everyone around her including your son. Get some counselling, if she doesn’t want to help herself though, it’s not necessarily your responsibility to sink with the ship.
[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]
I’m sure you mean very well by this idea, but OP FUCK THAT NOISE.
Don’t give up on getting her in the gym man, it’s not fair that your working out and keeping in shape but she is letting her ass get even closer to not fitting through a door! You have physical desires as well and if you are fitting hers why shouldn’t she have to fit yours? It’s not only selfish but unhealthy for her too!
Sometimes life changes people. I for one have always said i’ll never date a chick who wasn’t into fitness as much as I am. Cause later down the road when life gets hard being married…the last thing I want to worry about is my wife’s health because of her weight…especially after kids. If potential chicks don’t exercise on a regular basis im just not interested. I met a really hot chick who was really chubby…if she lost 50lbs or so she’d be a knockout 10… but she just wasn’t interested in exercise…so I said see ya later to her.
OP, what I would do is express how important fitness is not only to you but the longevity of your relationship. A partner who’s willing to take care of herself is someone who cares about her health and wanting to grow old with you. Exercise is more than self-fulling when you’re in a marriage…and not taking care of yourself is downright selfish to your partner.
[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]
I’m sure you mean very well by this idea, but OP FUCK THAT NOISE.
Don’t give up on getting her in the gym man, it’s not fair that your working out and keeping in shape but she is letting her ass get even closer to not fitting through a door! You have physical desires as well and if you are fitting hers why shouldn’t she have to fit yours? It’s not only selfish but unhealthy for her too!
[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]
I’m sure you mean very well by this idea, but OP FUCK THAT NOISE.
Don’t give up on getting her in the gym man, it’s not fair that your working out and keeping in shape but she is letting her ass get even closer to not fitting through a door! You have physical desires as well and if you are fitting hers why shouldn’t she have to fit yours? It’s not only selfish but unhealthy for her too!
:D[/quote]
I agree with Diana. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. You can try, you can support, and you can work to determine whether she really does want to be better. You can cook her meals, you can teach her about training, you can do all this stuff - and it will mean shit if she doesn’t want to do it herself. It will also breed resentment on both sides.
I would never say “walk away” on a whim. But you can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change.
[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]
Maybe the worst post I have ever seen on T-Nation. What a sour outlook on life, love, devotion…oh goodness, this post simply advertises so much that is wrong with America. I am disgusted over this post and poster.
OP, it does sound like depression. I am not a doctor, but man, the signs are there. And well, dude, this sounds a little weird, but are you guys still having sexytime?
Her not even attempting to by physically attractive to you indicates a lack of dedication to the relationship, imho. She thinks now that you had a kid with her, she has no obligations to be appealling to you anymore, and is trying to take advantage of you.
I know most of you will ignore this and keep posting up serious crap, but the OP is a known troll. This thread has MOST likely been created with the sole intention of trolling.
[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]
I’m sure you mean very well by this idea, but OP FUCK THAT NOISE.
Don’t give up on getting her in the gym man, it’s not fair that your working out and keeping in shape but she is letting her ass get even closer to not fitting through a door! You have physical desires as well and if you are fitting hers why shouldn’t she have to fit yours? It’s not only selfish but unhealthy for her too!
:D[/quote]
I get what you are saying, and it would be a great world if we could make the ones we care about change their behaviors you match out ideals. It may not be fair that he stays in shape and has physical desires that she doesn’t meet because of her weight, but as I’m sure you know life is rarely fair.
OP, if you love her and value the family that you have together, then accept her for what she is. Your acceptance may reduce her misery.
There is nothing wrong with being in love with an overweight person. If you forsee a future that will make YOU miserable however, you are not obligated to stay. PMPM is right about the resentment issues, pushing fitness on her will make her feel worse about herself. It’s a tough choice to make though, and I’m glad I’m not in your shoes.
[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]
Maybe the worst post I have ever seen on T-Nation. What a sour outlook on life, love, devotion…oh goodness, this post simply advertises so much that is wrong with America. I am disgusted over this post and poster.
OP, it does sound like depression. I am not a doctor, but man, the signs are there. And well, dude, this sounds a little weird, but are you guys still having sexytime? [/quote]
Win some, lose some, does worst post come with a prize? Cuz I got a list of stuff here that Santa forgot.
[quote]tribunaldude wrote:
I know most of you will ignore this and keep posting up serious crap, but the OP is a known troll. This thread has MOST likely been created with the sole intention of trolling.
Peace and out.[/quote]
Can you make a list, I’d support getting it stickied. Can’t keep track anymore.
[quote]hungry4more wrote:
Her not even attempting to by physically attractive to you indicates a lack of dedication to the relationship, imho. She thinks now that you had a kid with her, she has no obligations to be appealling to you anymore, and is trying to take advantage of you.
That’s my $0.02. [/quote]
Agreed with this and with DianaB. An adult person is generally who they are and it takes something major to make them change. If the thought of losing you doesn’t make her want to change, she either:
(1) Doesn’t care that much about you
(2) Is too lazy, fucked up, or incapable of change.
Regardless, the end result is a beer gut and saggy titties. What you do with that information is up to you, but that’s probably how it’s going to play out.
[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]
Maybe the worst post I have ever seen on T-Nation. What a sour outlook on life, love, devotion…oh goodness, this post simply advertises so much that is wrong with America. I am disgusted over this post and poster.
OP, it does sound like depression. I am not a doctor, but man, the signs are there. And well, dude, this sounds a little weird, but are you guys still having sexytime?
[/quote]
Everything starts inside the person that has to do the changing, and change starts in the head. I think it can be hard for people to understand how powerful someone’s head can be for making them stay in a shitty situation. From the outside it can look like someone is just dumb, lazy, fat. From the inside the person has just given up on a situation they feel is unchangeable, no matter how much evidence to the contrary they receive.
100lbs is true obesity, and I feel like true obesity is driven by a fucked up head. If her parents and siblings are the same way, that’s likely true and likely shit that’s been in her head for an entire lifetime.
You may not be equipped to help her sort this stuff out, or maybe you are, but I’d wager that it’s not anywhere near as simple as a few talks and nudges to go to the gym and eat right. After all, that’s what you’ve found.
Read some information on depression and eating disorders. I’ve read Tom Venutos The Body Fat Solution which also approached the head game stuff a little bit too. Also there is a book Health at Every Size that goes into the eating for emotional fulfillment stuff too. It’s a bit lame as it has too much ‘fat acceptance’ stuff in it, but it may help you both to understant a little about what’s going on.
I wish you all the best, but I think having lost 100kg myself and having gathered a bunch of friends that have been through eating disorders of varying kinds… it’s all in the head and you can’t take the journey for her, you can only support her through it.
[quote]dianab wrote:
Do you love her enough to accept her as the fat and miserable person that she is, because you aren’t going to change anyone, period. Either accept her or move on.[/quote]
Maybe the worst post I have ever seen on T-Nation. What a sour outlook on life, love, devotion…oh goodness, this post simply advertises so much that is wrong with America. I am disgusted over this post and poster.
OP, it does sound like depression. I am not a doctor, but man, the signs are there. And well, dude, this sounds a little weird, but are you guys still having sexytime? [/quote]
The worst post you’ve seen? Would you accept someone trying to get you to stop training so hard? If not, then why is it acceptable for us to change someone else?
This is WHY you don’t get with someone for a long term relationship while ignoring who thjey are to begin with. It doesn’t matter if she was 100lbs smaller when they met if she had a lifestyle that would have led to her looking like her mother. This is why if you want a woman who takes care of herself, you look for those traits FROM THE FUCKING BEGINNING.
What seems to be the problem more than not is that most people with this problem weren’t that serious about lifting from the start. Now that they get a tad more serious, they want their significant other to do the same whether they were that type of person to start with or not.
If SHE doesn’t want to change FOR HERSELF, what the fuck do guys like you think you will accomplish?
This should have been an issue BEFORE THE BABY CAME.