Good Morning, Dr. Silberman. How's the Knee?

Training Training Logs
701

k awesome workout

cable station one arm rear fly
3 diff heights x 10 reps per height per arm x 2 sets

seated smith machine behind the neck press
10lbs per side x 10
12.5lbs per side x 10
12.5lbs per side x 10
15lbs per side x 10

  • 1 drop
    10lbs per side continuous tension x 10

seated DB press
22.5lbs x 8
27.5lbs x 8
27.5lbs x 8
27.5lbs x 8
30lbs x 8

lateral raise
12.5lbs
x 12
x 12
x 12

reverse pec deck
65lbs x 15
70lbs x 12

pec fly machine
60lbs x 15
70lbs x 15

hammer strength chest press pause at bottom, squeeze at top
25lbs per side x 8
30lbs per side x 8
30lbs per side x 8
35lbs per side x 8
37.5lbs per side x 8

smith machine incline press continuous tension
25lbs per side x 10
25lbs per side x 10
27.5lbs per side x 10
30lbs per side x 10

  • 1 drop
    20lbs per side x 13

flat bench pause at bottom, not full lock out
85lbs x 6
85lbs x 6
85lbs x 6
90lbs x 6
90lbs x 6

close grip bench not full lockout
75lbs x 8
75lbs x 8
80lbs x 10

skull crushers/over head DB tri ext.
35lbs/25lbs
x 12/12
x 12/12
x 12/12

cable oblique twists
2nd pin
2 x 20*side

ropey tri ext.
x 20
x 20 + 20 partials

chest press machine
55lbs x 20

glute bridge x whatever

K good strength today/lately. Just keep addin’ weight to shit like it ain’t no thang.

KBYE

702

no need to keep online…

703

Where are you Spock?!

704

Warning:
If you do not like me/my rants plz do not read the following…

About 5 or 6 days ago I started having the worst panic attacks of my life. Like, holy shit, I can’t get out of bed I am too scared of life. I honestly don’t know if I can make it through the next hour of existence, let alone the ENTIRE DAY. Shortly thereafter I started having super intense stomach pains and began vomiting uncontrollably. Now, this was humbling kinda sick here folks. I am talkin’ pissing on the bathroom floor while I am puking kinda thing.

OMG body please decide if you are going to make me shit non-stop, or puke my guts out, but not both…anything but both. I had no idea what day it was and I couldn’t remember things that happened…

It was all strangely eye-opening. I tried to workout yesterday and I lasted about 30 mins and was in the bathroom scared to death about what my body was going to do with my insides.
Girl, you’re sick. Why did you do this?
Because life is so meaningless without the gym…
To take away the gym is to take away my life preserver, and how sad is that?

Things are messier than I may have originally realized or maybe it was just denial, who knows.
People say, you need to get your driver’s license, you lack ambition, you seem to be content just having your dad drive you around.
But do you know, when I am driving I start to have panic attacks and it is literally not safe for me to be on the road? LIke I get flushed and sweaty and I can’t breath or focus. Like HOLY FUCK STOP, how can you be so blind to miss that red light right in front of us?!

People say, I need to get out more, and you know what? I make plans, some small, every-two month, plans. And I start freaking out about them a week or so beforehand and then I end up cancelling them last minute because I just cannot stomach the thought of willingly staying up late or eating dinner out when it’s not on the plan :open_mouth:

And my body problems go well beyond “I want to look hot”. Honestly, I have lose skin on my stomach from giving birth to a 9lb gigantor and it tears me upside in a daily basis. LOOK AT YOU you hideous, vile creature ! Kim Kardashian doesn’t have that ! No girls in the change room at the gym seem to have that. None of your friends have that. The princess of whatever doesn’t have that. You can’t diet that away, that is 4 LYFE. SUFFER !!

Dude problems, people problems, social problems, all connected. I don’t trust my own judgement and I don’t really like or trust people. Their intentions as it’s been presented to me are not honorable. I find it hard to forgive all of mankind for breaking my heart year after year.

And my dad’s anxiety is getting worse and it’s feeding my own something terrible. He walks around the house all day hyperventilating.
My whole life it’s been like, “uh oh, we better warn dad, he is going to freak out.”
Hey mom, I think I want to go back to school.
“uh oh, dad is going to freak out.”
Hey mom, my friend ryan from down the street wants to help me try and drive, can we borrow the car?
“Uh oh… and no.”
Hey I want to get gabe a fish…
“Uh…oh…”
Hey I am going to make plans to go out and…
“uh oh…”

I shit you fucking not he had a panic attack because my mom and I wanted to get our hair cuts!!! He thought we would accidently spend 200 dollars on hair extensions!! He had to google the place and read all these customer reviews.
HOLY FUCK CAN I BREATH PLEASE?!!
I Am so fucking smothered and trapped in this crazy f($*#(ed up life. I.WANT.OUT.!!!

People think it’s just a matter of going and doing. A lot of people don’t really understand anxiety. True anxiety disorder hinders life in many extreme ways. I have never so badly before wanted to get better. I just get scared about losing certain aspects of myself like, what if I lose my gym umph and become mediocre?
I love my gym determination, but there is no balance…
I don’t know really, just dumping out my thoughts because if I stand up I’ll shit myself.
What else is there to do really?

Thanks for always being here for me T-Nation.

-Love,
Jenn

705

I think everyone has times in life where they feel trapped Jenn. These are the times and trials that will define you in how you deal with them. Life is often rough sailing, but hang in there. Remember that you are a conglomeration of your failures and successes. Embrace them both and keep your head up. You have nothing to be ashamed of and we are all pulling for you.

706

It couldn’t be more clear. You are in dire need of a Professional Medical opinion, and some Psychiatric counseling.

707

[quote]Reality Star wrote:
It couldn’t be more clear. You are in dire need of a Professional Medical opinion, and some Psychiatric counseling.[/quote]

This this this this.

You don’t have to be miserable.

708

[quote]G1579 wrote:

[quote]Reality Star wrote:
It couldn’t be more clear. You are in dire need of a Professional Medical opinion, and some Psychiatric counseling.[/quote]

This this this this.

You don’t have to be miserable.[/quote]
What these guys said.

I mean, I could drive up there and give you a hug (been thinking about going up to train with some of the guys up there anyways) but really you need something that nobody here can really give you.

709

[quote]Reality Star wrote:
It couldn’t be more clear. You are in dire need of a Professional Medical opinion, and some Psychiatric counseling.[/quote]
Absolutely. Is that sort of thing “free” in Canada with the healthcare system?

710

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]Reality Star wrote:
It couldn’t be more clear. You are in dire need of a Professional Medical opinion, and some Psychiatric counseling.[/quote]
Absolutely. Is that sort of thing “free” in Canada with the healthcare system?[/quote]
Not sure, but I don’t think so.

711

My friends!!!

Hello…

Some thoughts:

As I may have stated before back when I was going to school my anxiety was almost cured, without ANY medication or counselling. I did things back then I would never dream of doing now. I made coffee plans with Deaf people to talk to them about their experiences, I went to Deaf comedy shows and many things of that sort. I worked, went to school, did a buttload of homework, took Gabe to the nature centre (caught bugs, saw a beaver), never missed a workout, never missed a shift, never missed a class. Planned 100000 meals every week and was probably the lightest and fittest I had ever been in my entire life. I was smaller than my 14-year-old self!
I had ZERO crushes during this time, I might add.
School completed me, completely. So perhaps my anxiety is in large part due to the emptiness I feel and not about any one thing in particular. I get anxiety about being unhappy, and then I feel unhappy about how anxious I am, yadda yadda. It’s always been a vicious cycle.
NOW: Medication is fine and all (though after many bad experiences during childhood I vowed I would NEVER go on it again), but that DOES NOT SOLVE the fact that I AM NOT happy with the direction my life is going.
I would rather put my resources into getting further ahead in life so that I can be happier THUS silencing some of my inner demons, etc…
So, I didn’t really want to post this in case I don’t get accepted, but I applied to go to College for fall 2014.
It’s a two year program and I can already afford 1 full year + I am hoping there are grants out there for single moms and whatnot.
What it is is basically a correctional services program for dealing with teens/adults who are having legal/life issues. Not sure if everyone remembers my dreams about becoming a cop that were shattered by my inability to handle high speed chases or not wear glasses ?LOL
But with this course I still get to be a part of the legal/criminal side of things and essentially I would be helping people who were exactly the type to bully me during high school, and oddly enough I find that makes me feel very good inside.
All of the courses look super interesting to me and they have lots of different things I can get into when I am done, like youth worker/case worker/ OMG probation officer. That would be so cool if I got to be someone’s Parole officer. JOHNNY!! Where ya been!? Ya stayin’ outta trouble?! How did the job interview go last Tuesday? DId you attend all your AA meetings?

Anyway… people might think it’s stupid or a crazy scheme, but I feel oddly settled on it and that’s not typical for me.
So just checking the mail in the meantime until I hear from them, fingers crossed.
K workout post to follow, YES I WORKED OUT

712

K shoulder/chest/tri pump day

Decided that if I didn’t workout today the world would basically come to an end so I lifted on no sleep and no properly digested food…

Cable station rear delt fly
3 diff height settings x 15 reps per height x 2 sets per arm

straight arm lateral raise/normal lateral raise/front raise/10&2 front raise
10lbs
x 10/10/10arm/10
7.5lbs
x 10/10/10arm/10
x 10/10/10*arm/10

DB partials/rear DB fly
22.5lbs/15lbs
x 35/25+35 partials
x 35/25+50 partials

pec fly machine
55lbs
2 x 25

DB incline *3 diff bench angle settings/plate squeeze
20lbs/10lbs
x 15/25
x 15/25
x 15/25

seated shoulder press machine
30lbs
x 20
x 20
x 18

ropey tri ext.
x 20
x 20
x 20
less weight x 25 partials

cable station cross over
bottom to top then top to bottom
so like a million sets x 20 reps each

reverse d handle tri ext.
2nd pin
3 x 15

tricep kick backs
7.5lbs
3 x 12*arm

I think that’s all.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it felt so good to hear Anthony’s voice in my headphones again today. It had been SoOooO long.
If you have to ask you’ll never knowww funky motherfucker will not be told to gOoOooo

BYE

713

[quote]Spock81 wrote:
My friends!!!

Hello…

Some thoughts:

As I may have stated before back when I was going to school my anxiety was almost cured, without ANY medication or counselling. I did things back then I would never dream of doing now. I made coffee plans with Deaf people to talk to them about their experiences, I went to Deaf comedy shows and many things of that sort. I worked, went to school, did a buttload of homework, took Gabe to the nature centre (caught bugs, saw a beaver), never missed a workout, never missed a shift, never missed a class. Planned 100000 meals every week and was probably the lightest and fittest I had ever been in my entire life. I was smaller than my 14-year-old self!
I had ZERO crushes during this time, I might add.
School completed me, completely. So perhaps my anxiety is in large part due to the emptiness I feel and not about any one thing in particular. I get anxiety about being unhappy, and then I feel unhappy about how anxious I am, yadda yadda. It’s always been a vicious cycle.
NOW: Medication is fine and all (though after many bad experiences during childhood I vowed I would NEVER go on it again), but that DOES NOT SOLVE the fact that I AM NOT happy with the direction my life is going.
I would rather put my resources into getting further ahead in life so that I can be happier THUS silencing some of my inner demons, etc…
So, I didn’t really want to post this in case I don’t get accepted, but I applied to go to College for fall 2014.
It’s a two year program and I can already afford 1 full year + I am hoping there are grants out there for single moms and whatnot.
What it is is basically a correctional services program for dealing with teens/adults who are having legal/life issues. Not sure if everyone remembers my dreams about becoming a cop that were shattered by my inability to handle high speed chases or not wear glasses ?LOL
But with this course I still get to be a part of the legal/criminal side of things and essentially I would be helping people who were exactly the type to bully me during high school, and oddly enough I find that makes me feel very good inside.
All of the courses look super interesting to me and they have lots of different things I can get into when I am done, like youth worker/case worker/ OMG probation officer. That would be so cool if I got to be someone’s Parole officer. JOHNNY!! Where ya been!? Ya stayin’ outta trouble?! How did the job interview go last Tuesday? DId you attend all your AA meetings?

Anyway… people might think it’s stupid or a crazy scheme, but I feel oddly settled on it and that’s not typical for me.
So just checking the mail in the meantime until I hear from them, fingers crossed.
K workout post to follow, YES I WORKED OUT[/quote]

That’s all well and good (really, it is… and on the subject of grants, look into and apply for EVERYTHING… there’s lots out there but you have to look), but you still should absolutely talk to a medical professional. What you’re feeling isn’t normal “not happy with how my life is going” stuff.

714

[quote]G1579 wrote:
you still should absolutely talk to a medical professional. What you’re feeling isn’t normal “not happy with how my life is going” stuff.
[/quote]
Agreed.

716

[quote]Chushin wrote:
meds[/quote]

And try not to assign a negative connotation to these. I know you said they messed you up in the past. If you do end up getting something and it messes you up, definitely stop! But I feel like there may also be something out there that could really help you, and that’s okay. It’s no different than me having to take asthma meds every day which allow me to lead a totally normal life. Just sometimes people’s bodies need a little help to get goin right, that’s all :slight_smile:

718

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]G1579 wrote:
you still should absolutely talk to a medical professional. What you’re feeling isn’t normal “not happy with how my life is going” stuff.
[/quote]
Agreed.[/quote]

Yes.

Temporary fixes are just that: temporary.

Honestly Jenn, it’s time to stop talking about all this and DO something. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s better than what you’re doing now. Try something, and if it doesn’t work, try something else again and again until you find what does work. I’m talking here of therapy and meds.[/quote]

With all do respect, I think you are avoiding proper treatment of your Manic Episodes and may have a case of Body Dysmorphia that you disguise as an insatiable quest for optimum fitness. You really should talk to an unbiased 3rd party that can analyze your scenario and council you properly! Because it seems you talk yourself into a downward spiral as well as take things to delusional heights to convince yourself you are in control and seemingly managing these anxiety riddled episodes. No one can make you speak to a Professional but it seems like it could help.

719

I just don’t understand how people expect me to pay for this…?
I can say goodbye to school savings if I start spending 200+ dollars a week on therapy and medication.

Honestly, I don’t know…

I know I’m mental, especially right now. Something in my head is very off. I used to feel overwhelming bouts of happiness from pull ups or buying a new gym shirt, but now I can’t seem to derive happiness from anything. And I feel like I am going through withdrawl from something…
But why now? I was not feeling like this a month ago. I feel like my brain’s been infected.

And this sickness is sucking the life out of me.
I know I really have no right to bitch when there are people on this site who are actually REALLY sick, or who have overcome incredible things without complaining, but I’m just dyin’ here.
There is not a single food out there that doesn’t make me feel like puking, and if I do eat I am in the crapper. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept since like Friday and I am starting to feel very Tyler Durden-esq.

If I do fall asleep for a while I wake up in a pile of sweat needing to crap my guts out.
I’m so tired people. Why isn’t this fucking thing going away?! My parents got this stomach flu and were better within 48 hours.

But on a positive note:
My kid was laying with me last night and started talking about superhero’s. Which was wonderful in itself, but then he said the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me…
He said
“Wonder woman is basically you with a whip”
Now for almost our entire conversation I was too busy holding back vomit to listen, but when he said that I was like
“Ya…
!
-Wait, what?!?!”
“Well cause your both all muscely and stuff. She’s just like you, but with a whip”

Wow, now if I can meet a grown man who thinks that way about me I’ll be set.

KBYE

720

Oh and I also just want to say again, thank you for always being here for me T-Nation.

You’re my rock.

I hope to someday make you very proud.