A note for YOU if you are reading this and you know who you are.
I did not lie about anything. I did not make anything up, it is all true and it all happened. I have aimed to be very honest in my writing. Perhaps if you read it again you can see that.
You are incorrect in saying it was my past that caused the end and I believe you know this is true as well. You should stop saying that it was my past that caused it because it is not true–you are NOT a victim of my past. The dinner party comment was the last straw, nothing more mysterious then that comment. Words have power, words can destroy what words did not create.
What happened after that was a personal catastrophe for me- my experience is in fact REAL even if its not what you want to see as REAL. I acted in error- many times- in our time together. I over looked significant things and it came back to get me. I was a coward.
I broke a promise I had made to myself and I was cowardly in the face of the tests you gave me. I did you no favors when I did not act correctly, I failed myself and you by acting in error. I am not going to do that anymore.
You did give me a life changing gift when you introduced me to Jordan Peterson. I am ever grateful to you for that, you deserve my thanks for that and I happily give you that thanks and give you that credit for introducing me to something that has helped me change my life immensely for the better.
A few things I have put into practice from his stuff you might also appreciate. I certainly feel its advice I need to remind myself of. It speaks to my own very dark vice, my very BAD fault - of not acting when I need to. That fault is a terrible fault, I know this is something I am capable of as I have done it before. Its one of the most shameful parts of me.
My challenge is to:
Act.
"Respond to error, when committed. Pay Attention, and when your behavior produces a consequence you find intolerable, modify it–no matter what it takes to produce such a modification.
Carry a burden, be responsible.
"Allow consciousness of your present insufficiency to maintain a constant presence. Live in full recognition for your capacity for error- and your capacity to rectify such error. "
Have hope in the face of your current limits that you can transcend them.
“Face what you reject, accept what you refuse to acknowledge,and you will find the treasure the dragoon guards”
To be brave- I have it in me- and behold what you can find.
I am a different, improved, more powerful person since coming out of the underworld - the personal catastrophe- the end of that relationship was for me. I am better because of it , I aim to be a better person in others lives because of that new changed me.
I do not know if that would have happened if I hadn’t experienced that relationship. It probably would have taken a few more years before the new me had that opportunity to come out of the ashes of my mistakes. The new me is here though, and I have done this before. Its akin to the better me that came out of my past- this new me is even better.
I am very grateful I ended up where I am which is a better place on the way to an even BETTER place as long as I keep doing my part to make it that way and acknowledge my limitations. I know I will fall and fail, but I will continue to strive to do the right thing, to address error and to follow the 12 rules.
This poor family had a youngish- year old dog- who came down with parvo. They had thought he was fully vaccinated but turns out one of his vaccines was given by the breeder.
Love reading peoples training but I always have to start at the very beginning so Brute I’ve now read all your logs so far!
