21 Y/O Male - Advice Needed

Off Topic
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[quote]
There’s your problem right there.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting what you want. But actually own up to it.

If you want training advice, these are the guys to ask. You haven’t been too insistent on that point, so nobody’s really helped you out there.

But they’re right, “fixing your body” is not going to fix your problems, any more than learning to play the guitar is. They’re both rewarding and they both have some nice side effects, but they’re not going to fix your problems.

Here’s my controversial advice. I’m not sure you’re quite ready to do this, but I think it’s a useful exercise.

Go find a slow night at some strip club with girls that actually do something for you. Find a spot at the bar, or near the bar, away from the stage(s). Buy yourself an overpriced drink, so you’re at least sitting there doing something. The girls will make their rounds, trying to solicit money from you, in one way shape or form.

Use this time to do two things. 1) learn to keep yourself under control, to keep yourself thinking straight when you’re otherwise distracted, and 2) learn to talk to a girl in a way that keeps her entertained enough that she’s willing to spend time with you, because she actually likes spending time with you.

Firstly, if you can learn to keep your cool in that situation, it will go a long ways towards interacting confidently with girls in any other situation. Half the problem is just understanding yourself and learning to manage and control yourself. Put yourself in difficult situations, observe how you react, and learn to control those reactions.

Secondly, this gives you a chance to learn to talk to a girl, albeit in a somewhat unrealistic scenario. Learn to guide a conversation. Learn how to direct her mood to keep her smiling and happy and having a good time. Learn how to keep her talking about herself. Learn how to restrain yourself in sharing too much about yourself. Learn how to keep her emotionally interested in you. Not that there’s anything wrong with spending a bit of cash on a girl you like, but the goal is to keep the interest on you, not your wallet.

Remember though, this is a business. Every moment she spends with you is a moment she could be trying to make money off some other guy. Obviously she has some discretion in how she spends her time, so if you can somehow convince her that hanging out with you (for free) is worth her time, you’re doing something right.

However, never, ever, under any circumstances, date a stripper. You don’t need that in your life. You may reach a point where you think you do, but you don’t.

Also, once you figure this stuff out, stay out of strip clubs.[/quote]

Thanks. This alone will take more balls than working out in a gym. This is the sort of thing I need to be doing often to build confidence, as the sort of guy who always talks himself out of spending time in these sort of environments. It’s part of an inferiority complex I am in the process of fixing.

Also, I’m pretty sure muscle wouldn’t give me confidence. You can give a 12 year old testosterone and he will build more muscle than I have. Doesn’t mean he could hold a conversation with a stripper.

Sorry if I’ve wasted your time on a “fitness” board, but I think it’s interesting that I’ve gotten great behavioral and social advice here too.

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It also takes a lot of balls to set foot in a strip club when you look like this guy

I look 12

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[quote]dave670 wrote:
It also takes a lot of balls to set foot in a strip club when you look like this guy

I look 12 [/quote]

Is that actually you? If so, you don’t look 12. You look like you’re in your 20’s.

And it doesn’t take any balls for anyone to go in a strip club. Not sure where you get that idea. I also don’t know why you would want to go to strip clubs anyway. That’s an awful place to meet girls.

Quit this fucking pity party. 1 post you’re saying fuck it I don’t care what people think, the next post you’re whining about your appearance again. It’s getting old. You’re unreasonably insecure, and I can guarantee girls can smell your insecurity from 10 miles away. You don’t look bad.

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This is turning out to be one of my favourite forum posts so far, it’s pretty amusing and pretty insightful. Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you plan to do.

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“Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills”.

1 Like
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[quote]dave670 wrote:
Also, I’m pretty sure muscle wouldn’t give me confidence. You can give a 12 year old testosterone and he will build more muscle than I have. Doesn’t mean he could hold a conversation with a stripper.

Sorry if I’ve wasted your time on a “fitness” board, but I think it’s interesting that I’ve gotten great behavioral and social advice here too. [/quote]

Two areas you can improve on are to do things that make YOU happy and stop assuming you know how others think (whether you’re in a relationship or not). Regardless of whether you want to start lifting to gain confidence (it seems like you’re unsure), do something because you enjoy it or it helps you reach a goal that makes YOU happy - this should not be for anyone else. Thinking you know what will happen and how others think is negatively impacting your life.

All you can do is what is in your control. Do whatever you can to set yourself up for success and accept that there is an unknown. There IS a possibility for failure. But a possibility for failure doesn’t matter if you know you’ve done your damn best and everything in your power to reach your goals. Ask yourself everyday if you’ve done what you can to move one step forward - some days you can’t do much but at least remove the negative thoughts to prevent yourself from regressing. It will help to accept yourself for who you are and to be optimistic yet realistic about your future. When you do that, you won’t linger on the past because there is no point. There is no could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. There is just acceptance and growth.

Fitness is only one aspect of life. A person, not just a man, should be strong physically, mentally and emotionally if they want happiness in life.

Edit: For clarification, physically strong as in regularly being active for good general health.

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[quote]flipcollar wrote:

[quote]dave670 wrote:
It also takes a lot of balls to set foot in a strip club when you look like this guy

I look 12 [/quote]

Is that actually you? If so, you don’t look 12. You look like you’re in your 20’s.

And it doesn’t take any balls for anyone to go in a strip club. Not sure where you get that idea. I also don’t know why you would want to go to strip clubs anyway. That’s an awful place to meet girls.

Quit this fucking pity party. 1 post you’re saying fuck it I don’t care what people think, the next post you’re whining about your appearance again. It’s getting old. You’re unreasonably insecure, and I can guarantee girls can smell your insecurity from 10 miles away. You don’t look bad. [/quote]
Thanks. Just FYI, the reason I’m self conscious is because people have told me I look 15. Either they are fucking with me, or it’s true. You be the judge of that.

As for fixing the insecurity, I’m applying a brute force method, and it has nothing to do with physical working out, I do enough of that doing what I do. Basically I’m just employing sheer willpower and seeing how long I can stand having a shitty life, doing work I hate, being single, etc., before some instinctual force takes over and I skullfuck my existence and mold it into what I want it to be. That will be where my true colors show.

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[quote]dave670 wrote:
Basically I’m just employing sheer willpower and seeing how long I can stand having a shitty life, doing work I hate, being single, etc., before some instinctual force takes over and I skullfuck my existence and mold it into what I want it to be.[/quote]
Why don’t you just make a plan and actually do something about all of those things? Nothing there is really even that challenging to do, once you get out of your own head.

Honestly, if that’s what you’re complaining about, you’ve led a pretty easy life. Keep some perspective.

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Don’t need a plan when I’ve got a guide!

Srsly, I just need to enter a “imma do me” phase of life, buckle down and take care of this stuff. I know that it’s easier than a lot of people, I’m not terminally ill with cancer or living in a thatched hut in Somalia, but it will be challenging nonetheless. But so is anything worth doing.

@flipcollar, the strip club thing was a suggestion by another poster.

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Learn to step outside your comfort zone. This is how you grow. Doing the same things over and over even if you hate it is still inside your comfort zone because it’s easy. Waiting for change to happen is really just wasting time. Don’t be afraid of failure. Failure creates opportunity.

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You don’t think I have a case like this guy, do you?

My voice is a lot deeper than his though, and has been since I was 15. I have a sex drive, but it’s been more or less dead since May when I started doing physical labor all day every day.

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You posted a picture of your face awhile back and everyone concluded you look your age. You have a deep voice, you have hit puberty its not an excuse. Go lift some weights because your physical labor job obviously isn’t cutting it if you don’t look the way you want.

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[quote]dave670 wrote:
You don’t think I have a case like this guy, do you?

My voice is a lot deeper than his though, and has been since I was 15. I have a sex drive, but it’s been more or less dead since May when I started doing physical labor all day every day. [/quote]

Seriously?

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So you don’t think this is my issue? I do look boyish, but I don’t sound like that kid. I’ve gotten confused as my father on the phone since I was 15

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Does quitting a job where I get screamed at by insensitive aggressive men all day make me a fairy / pansy / faggot / pussy? There’s an inner impulse in me that wishes to chart my own path and not be led all the time.

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[quote]dave670 wrote:
Does quitting a job where I get screamed at by insensitive aggressive men all day make me a fairy / pansy / faggot / pussy? There’s an inner impulse in me that wishes to chart my own path and not be led all the time. [/quote]

No, but using the word “faggot” might. And asking questions about it afterwords on an internet forum certainly does.

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This may have already been covered (I skimmed through the last 2 pages):

Find something you’re passionate about. It can be anything - guitar, quilting, martial arts, etc. Extra points if you can make a career out of it. Get really good at something and other people will respect you for it. Talented and successful people get laid, even if they aren’t attractive (look at Lemmy and Steve Buscemi).

Once you have an interest and get good at something, you will build self-worth and become busy. This is a good thing. You will value your time more, so will have less patience for people who waste it. Being available all the time and clingy is not attractive. You need to focus on your own life and find someone who can complement it, not have a single-minded drive to get laid and get hung up on every single female who talks to you. I think confidence comes down to knowing yourself and knowing what you want to do in life and being on the path to accomplishing it.

Building yourself physically wouldn’t hurt, but it’s not essential. Ignore a lot of the “alpha” bullshit you read on fitness forums (“if you’re not 6’4”, 240 you’re not a real man").

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It’s becoming clear that your issues run much deeper than what we can help with. Counseling would not be a bad idea. You’ve got mental barriers that you’re not overcoming through this discussion.

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[quote]dave670 wrote:
Does quitting a job where I get screamed at by insensitive aggressive men all day make me a fairy / pansy / faggot / pussy? There’s an inner impulse in me that wishes to chart my own path and not be led all the time. [/quote]
If you want to chart your own path, be prepared to be yelled at by even more insensitive aggressive men. And women. And you will fail. You will also find out that, although you work for alleged assholes and take shit daily, doing it without the weight of the success/failure of the entire company on your back was actually a luxury by comparison.

The only way you will succeed is to not be affected by this shit first.

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[quote]flipcollar wrote:
It’s becoming clear that your issues run much deeper than what we can help with. Counseling would not be a bad idea. You’ve got mental barriers that you’re not overcoming through this discussion.[/quote]
Agreed.