Assbuster, get your kids raised and then take her out to a nice dinner and hand her the divorce papers.
It’ll cost you but if the relationship can’t be salvaged then you’ve got to cut your losses and start over.
[quote]Bodyguard wrote:
Excuse me but I am blunt. I mean no offense.
Do you have a history of Cheating? [/quote]
I am a convict with previous convictions. Im on the shortest leash possible.
Dude I feel your pain.
Assbuster, you need to get a seperation before you ever think about doing something like what you mentioned. It’s not that she’s being practical, it’s that she’s being selfish, mean, and insecure. The threat of a seperation might force her back into honest negotiation.
If she doesn’t respect you, you either need to make her respect you or you need to leave. Children are not serviced by having a mother that doesn’t respect the father, or vice versa. You’re job isn’t to save your children from hurt, your job is to make your children the best adults they can be.
I’m backing what Zarathus said, man. Assbuster, you’ve got to do two things ASAP:
-
Pick a new screen name so I don’t feel like a freak talking to you.
-
Stand up for yourself.
Straight up, man – this sounds like abusive behaviour. Cloaked so that it can be denied, true, but the fact that she continues it in spite of knowing how you feel about it marks it for what it is: cruelty. It’s a rock and a hard place: you’d be called less of a man for taking it, and some shithead will probably use the same insipid insult if you complain about it being hurtful. Fuck them. Do what you need to and bring about change.
You need to lay down your terms, state the consequences of having your terms defied, and be willing to carry out those consequences if the line is crossed.
This isn’t a platonic relationship you’re in. Platonic implies a level of peace that you’re not experiencing. You’re worried about your sons – that’s noble. Bear in mind that they learn from watching.
Also bear in mind that they’re not just seeing their chief male role model being treated poorly by their mother, from your description they’re being encouraged to join in. What kind of men will they grow up to be with this behaviour as their new core? How will it affect their relationships? The way they deal with people? They way they allow people to deal with them?
Compassion is a gift to the world, man, not an individual. True compassion touches all involved, and is hard as Hell to achieve as a state of mind. It’s not compassion to let this trend continue. You’d be better off with a change. Your sons would be better off with a change. And I guarantee that your wife will be better off if she chooses to learn a lesson and speak with less venom.
You can’t choose what lessons people learn, but you can stand for what you believe in. If you believe that you deserve better, and that your sons deserve a better environment to grow in, then you need to do something. Now.
Putting your foot down, a long heart-to-heart, seperation, marital councilling… whatever it takes. Just do something and make a change.
[quote]dancar wrote:
eengrms76 wrote:
The fact that you think this much about her hot friend means there is some truth to her insecurity. You need to get that shit in check and do what you need to do.
Yeah, I know. My shit is more “in check” than it was last summer, but how do I complete that process? And does that mean my exercising should be limited to riding my mountain bike, which I’ve was doing since long before I met my wife?[/quote]
How to complete the process? Easy- change the way you think. Ok so it’s not that easy. I also didn’t say you need to change your exercising. Basically you need to stand up to your wife- lay all your cards on the table. Tell her that by you working out that doesn’t mean you have any less respect for her, that you are looking for something else (i.e. other women), or that you are unhappy with anything other than strictly your appearance and health. If she doesn’t trust and support you enough after those arguements, then you’re probably screwed. Some women just won’t change, and they expect the man to change. You undoubtedly knew that when you married her.
I do truly believe that you can’t push her into exercise, even if she really wants is. You need to let her start on her own. This will just lead to further insecurity on her part.
You have a tough road ahead of you. It’s too bad too. As an absolute last resort… print out this entire thread and let her read it. It would nice for her to read the nice things you’ve said about her which I doubt you can say to her face.
I’d delete that shit about her hot friend though… By the way- how hot is she- you got pictures? 
We had a talk last night. I clarified that it’s about me feeling better about myself. She can accept that, but worries that I’ll be too “obsessive.” I told her that I could understand how someone could be obsessive, but we define “obsessiveness” differently. She considers the protein powders to be obsessive.
This is frustrating for me because last year I went from 192 pounds with a bulging gut to 163-165 pounds, and she said I was too skinny. But she has a problem with my taking a path that would have me gaining muscle bulk rather than fat. She thinks Brandon Frazer is hot, but that my current 168-170 (at 5’11") is perfect.
As for the hot looking friend, I do have pictures, but I avoid looking at them because it puts me in a headspace I’d rather not be in. So posting them here would not be productive, not to mention disrespectful. But I’ll tell you who reminds me of her: The girl Steve Carrell meets in the bookstore in “40 Year Old Virgin” and the actress who plays “Izzy” on the TV show “Gray’s Anatomy.”
Yowza! I’m working on becoming a forty year old virgin so I can meet that chick in the bookstore and bang the everlasting snot right out of her.
Yikes, sorry, I can see how you’d try to avoid that headspace seeing as how you are married and all.
I had a thought last year that if I were single, I would place a personal ad in one of those alternative weekly papers (the free ones with all the local band reviews) claiming to be a real 40 year old virgin.
I’m sure there are a few women out there who would be into being the first for a guy who’s been a virgin too long.
Try it and let us know how it goes
Assbuster,
I have much respect for you. I would’ve kicked her in the crotch for some of those snide comments.
My wife was a little displeased when I started working out again, but it was only cause she was pregnant and she couldn’t join me.
Since then she has lost all the baby weight, and this was our second child. She has since began tanning and joining me in the evening while I work out.
She knows I work out not only to feel better about myself, but it helps release the tension of everyday life, besides it’s cheaper than therapy.
The only thing we get a little cross ways on is when it comes to purchasing sups, she doesn’t mind the protein powder or the creatine or anything else except for things that I havent tried previously. She thinks it’s a waste of money to try something and not be sure if it really works. I understand her point and I agree some what. I don’t want to waste money either.
Other than that we work out together an hour or so everynight,
She is also very accomodating from a diet standpoint, she cooks healthy food and it’s not just for my benefit.
Ass buster, I’d recommend trading her in on a new model,with big tits.
Bullpup
[quote]dancar wrote:
We had a talk last night. I clarified that it’s about me feeling better about myself. She can accept that, but worries that I’ll be too “obsessive.” I told her that I could understand how someone could be obsessive, but we define “obsessiveness” differently. She considers the protein powders to be obsessive.
This is frustrating for me because last year I went from 192 pounds with a bulging gut to 163-165 pounds, and she said I was too skinny. But she has a problem with my taking a path that would have me gaining muscle bulk rather than fat. She thinks Brandon Frazer is hot, but that my current 168-170 (at 5’11") is perfect.[/quote]
That sounds very similiar to what my wife has been saying recently.
I’ve lost about 40 pounds over the past 3 months, am down to just under 190 lbs, and my wife thinks I should stop right here.
And I want to get even leaner.
Personally, I’m probably the leanest I’ve ever been, but I want to see if I can completely get rid of the spare tire I’ve had since birth.
The next battle I think we’ll get into is when I want to keep buying Spike or when I get to the 2 a days in CW’s HFT program.
That should be interesting…
Unfortunately, my wife doesn’t drink or smoke, or spend all that much money. So, I can’t try and use that logic on her when she complains about how much I’m spending on supplements.
[quote]dancar wrote:
We had a talk last night. I clarified that it’s about me feeling better about myself. She can accept that, but worries that I’ll be too “obsessive.” I told her that I could understand how someone could be obsessive, but we define “obsessiveness” differently. She considers the protein powders to be obsessive.[/quote]
All my life I’ve been “obsessed” with some hobby or interest or another. And when there’s nothing else going, that’s where you’re likely to find me. Some people are like that… the others, are just bored.
Protein powder itself indicates a hobby, same as if you’d had gardening tools or a stamp album. Only your level of interest and energy input could indicate an obsession.
Maybe you are obsessed. But what else should you do with your time? You could spend it with her, on a shared activity. That might be what’s bothering her. Of course, her unwillingness or nonmotivation to join you in fitness doesn’t help.
You should continue to work out, no matter what. And she should, ideally, join you. Perhaps you need to find some other fitness activity which she would enjoy. Walking as someone mentioned, is a great start. Also, you’ll have time to chat and connect.
There are too many reasons not to do stay fit.
But I don’t think that one of them, especially in your case, should be the validation of others - as you’d mentioned in a previous post.
Your wife is right to suspect that something is up. Even though you haven’t cheated on her physically or emotionally, you have cheated with your eyes and mind. I can understand that you’d be sexually attracted to a hot 20-something slut, but that’s obviously not the woman that you love and married.
Of course, I suppose the woman that you loved and married wasn’t middle aged and overweight. My parents went through something similar.
My dad lost a lot of weight due to cancer, and thought he was hot shit. He started ragging on everyone else to be trim like him until my mom developed a bit of a complex, and added about 20 pounds to her already overweight body. My dad then thought he had a chance with some hot 30 year old (he’s in his early 50’s), and made a damn fool of himself, so that my mom found out about his attempts to win over this other woman.
This made her very angry and hurt, but determined enough to get her revenge by trimming down big time, so that she’s much more fit now than my dad. He gets the hots for her again, and their marriage survived. It was really down to the wire for a while there though.
Well, hopefully that story is helpful to you or Assbusters or anyone else.
But, dancar, you really should be training for only one person, and that’s yourself. Not for the validation of your co-workers and especially not for any young women.
If you want validation, here it is - unconditional validation no less: Without dancar, the whole world itself would cease to exist. He is vitally connected to and involved in every physical/biological/chemical or spiritual processes occuring throughout all the universe(s). Nothing is more essential than you, and all depend upon you - in whatever state you find yourself.
Good luck.
You had me until…
[quote]Kailash wrote:
If you want validation, here it is - unconditional validation no less: Without dancar, the whole world itself would cease to exist. He is vitally connected to and involved in every physical/biological/chemical or spiritual processes occuring throughout all the universe(s). Nothing is more essential than you, and all depend upon you - in whatever state you find yourself.[/quote]
Did you wake up smoking somthing today…
The rest of your post was pretty good. I think the bottom line for ANY GUY on this forum is communication. You need to let your significant other know how important this is to you and that it won’t take over your life. And also let them know they need to get over your supplement purchases. There are way more expensive hobbies you could have…
Especially considering I’m NOT buying a gym membership at this time, which also means there’s no time away from her since I’m working out at home near the TV.
[quote]Northcott wrote:
I’m backing what Zarathus said, man. Assbuster, you’ve got to do two things ASAP:
- Pick a new screen name so I don’t feel like a freak talking to you. ;)[/quote]
Sorry about the user name. Its because I really bust my ass in the gym and life in general. Like I tell people who know me personally, “I have 2 speeds balls to the wall or not at all”.
This isn’t a recent development. I have been training and supplementing at this level for a few years now and this has been a tired ass tale. I stand up to her. Things are cool for a little while then they slide right back to where they were until the next big blow up.
[quote]Straight up, man – this sounds like abusive behavior. Cloaked so that it can be denied, true, but the fact that she continues it in spite of knowing how you feel about it marks it for what it is: cruelty. It’s a rock and a hard place: you’d be called less of a man for taking it, and some shithead will probably use the same insipid insult if you complain about it being hurtful. Fuck them. Do what you need to and bring about change.
You need to lay down your terms, state the consequences of having your terms defied, and be willing to carry out those consequences if the line is crossed.[/quote]
You’re right it is abuse by her and it’s not a lack of balls on my part but rather a major effort in restraint and control. I have a very volatile temper and work very hard to control it, which is one reason I train so intensely. It’s my release or I’d probably be dead or in jail and she’d be 6 foot under.
My reference to plutonic here meant NO SEX. I’m stuck in a loveless, sexless relationship. We’re pretty much roommates. We share expenses and responsibilities but pretty much live separate lives.
My kids and I have a pretty straight up honest relationship. They know the score as much as kids can understand about their mother and me. They love me and their mother. They just think she’s really funny when she zings me and they enjoy chiming in. Their jokes ARE actually pretty funny and I don’t think they mean them to be hurtful or disrespectful.
Also they only say stuff privately whereas their mother has no respect and torments me publicly. Every once in a while though when I’m feeling especially froggy I’ll shoot a few insults, I mean jokes back her way in retaliation. I know 2 wrongs don’t make a right but sometimes it feels pretty damned good.
I agree with this completely. That is my goal eventually, to get away. Like I said earlier it comes down to lifestyle. We’d both have to give up too much if we divorced and the kids would be the ones to suffer the most. So we stay in this sham marriage until either the kids move out or if God smiles on me, she’ll take up residence elsewhere with a roommate, boyfriend, whatever.
[quote]You can’t choose what lessons people learn, but you can stand for what you believe in. If you believe that you deserve better, and that your sons deserve a better environment to grow in, then you need to do something. Now.
Putting your foot down, a long heart-to-heart, seperation, marital councilling… whatever it takes. Just do something and make a change.[/quote]
I wish there were no kids involved, especially my youngest. He’s an insulin dependent diabetic and has been since age 2. He and I are very close and it’d tear both of us apart if he and I weren’t together. He’s Daddy’s boy.
I’m sure my life with her would be better if I either backed off my training or quit all together but fuck that! This IS my stand. I’ll be damned if I’ll give up something I not only love but keeps me from doing really crazy shit.
So the crap goes on because I won’t budge. As a matter of fact my new goal is when I turn 50 I want to compete in a regional BB contest. I want to try and place in the top 5 and get my pro card. That’d be the ultimate in revenge!
Thank you my brother for all of your kind words and thoughts. I have to say joining T-Nation has been one of the best things I’ve ever done. All of you bros feel like friends to me. I wish I could meet and thank each of you in person.
Peace,
AssBuster
[quote]assbuster wrote:
As a matter of fact my new goal is when I turn 50 I want to compete in a regional BB contest. I want to try and place in the top 5 and get my pro card. That’d be the ultimate in revenge![/quote]
Please start a thread when you begin your final training for this. I would love to see it and we’ll damn well cheer you along, mate.
Good luck with everything!
Miserere
Assbuster,
I assume it wouldn’t by lying, so tell her you love her and want to be with her, but pack your bag and live in a hotel until she promises to respect you.
Next time she makes fun of you in public, pick up the car keys, go home, pack your shit and move out for a month.
Next time, two months. No freaking iffs, ands, buts or discussions. It is respect or nothing.
It’s not violent, it’s not a break-up, but you get away from some sarcastic snarky negative attitude. She learns she can’t push you around anymore.
Drop by the house, pick up the kids and go do things with them all the time. Just eat and sleep somewhere else. Tell them you still love each other, but that their mother has a habit of insulting you that you aren’t willing to accept anymore and that if they don’t understand, eventually they will.
Yeah, I’m single, can you tell?
P.S. If she respects you for a while… drink a few beers and give her some loving!
[quote]eengrms76 wrote:
Did you wake up smoking somthing today… :)[/quote]
No need anymore, I’m perma-stoned. But here’s a further explanation:
Did you know that in about 6 years time, every cell in your body will have died and all the matter have been replaced? And does not every thought you’ve ever had comes from the outside, either from direct stimuli or from the thoughts passed along by others? So where is your being?
To look for it is like removing the bark from a palm tree. Each layer is removed, but the next layer only reveals itself as the new outside layer. Inside, there is nothing.
Or cut into your own flesh (no, don’t really do it). Where you expected to reach the inside, you’ve only exposed new surfaces. You can cut and cut, but all you’ll ever find is the outside. There is no inside.
Just think, if only one atom was removed from existence, it would impact every atom with which it was interacting. In turn, these atoms would impact others. Eventually the entire universe would feel the loss. Nevermind that this scenario itself is impossible. Physics has shown, through the laws of conservation, that everything is essential.
So we’re all in this state of continuous validation. With no real being other than all being. And nothing is more important.
[quote]Miserere wrote:
assbuster wrote:
As a matter of fact my new goal is when I turn 50 I want to compete in a regional BB contest. I want to try and place in the top 5 and get my pro card. That’d be the ultimate in revenge!
Please start a thread when you begin your final training for this. I would love to see it and we’ll damn well cheer you along, mate.
Good luck with everything!
Miserere
[/quote]
You can count on it! BTW…I really like your avatar.
[quote]vroom wrote:
Assbuster,
I assume it wouldn’t by lying, so tell her you love her and want to be with her, but pack your bag and live in a hotel until she promises to respect you.
Next time she makes fun of you in public, pick up the car keys, go home, pack your shit and move out for a month.
Next time, two months. No freaking iffs, ands, buts or discussions. It is respect or nothing.
It’s not violent, it’s not a break-up, but you get away from some sarcastic snarky negative attitude. She learns she can’t push you around anymore.
Drop by the house, pick up the kids and go do things with them all the time. Just eat and sleep somewhere else. Tell them you still love each other, but that their mother has a habit of insulting you that you aren’t willing to accept anymore and that if they don’t understand, eventually they will.
Yeah, I’m single, can you tell?
P.S. If she respects you for a while… drink a few beers and give her some loving! ;)[/quote]
For a single guy you seem to have it going on. Thanks man for the advice and kind words.
[quote]Kailash wrote:
eengrms76 wrote:
Did you wake up smoking somthing today…
No need anymore, I’m perma-stoned. But here’s a further explanation:
Did you know that in about 6 years time, every cell in your body will have died and all the matter have been replaced? And does not every thought you’ve ever had comes from the outside, either from direct stimuli or from the thoughts passed along by others? So where is your being?
To look for it is like removing the bark from a palm tree. Each layer is removed, but the next layer only reveals itself as the new outside layer. Inside, there is nothing.
Or cut into your own flesh (no, don’t really do it). Where you expected to reach the inside, you’ve only exposed new surfaces. You can cut and cut, but all you’ll ever find is the outside. There is no inside.
Just think, if only one atom was removed from existence, it would impact every atom with which it was interacting. In turn, these atoms would impact others. Eventually the entire universe would feel the loss. Nevermind that this scenario itself is impossible. Physics has shown, through the laws of conservation, that everything is essential.
So we’re all in this state of continuous validation. Nothing is more important.[/quote]
WOW! Now that’s some deep shit. KEWL!