It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, as they say…
Thanks for you replies everyone. Yes, many of the issues you brought up do apply. Here’s the issues…
- Yes, my wife is overweight. She talks about diet & exercise programs she wants to do, but hasn’t put talk into action since trying Atkins a couple of years ago. I was skinny most of my life, but in 2003 I topped out at about 200 pounds with a big gut that made my shirt bulge out.
Last year I cut my food intake and increased my bicycle riding, and dropped to less than 165. I felt like I was too skinny again, and she felt like “Jack Sprat’s wife.” I’m all for being less thin, but I’d like to regain the weight in muscle, not gut fat. She admits that she has trouble motivating herself to do what she needs, and seeing me working out makes her feel bad that she’s not doing the same.
But I don’t think that’s a valid reason for me to not work out. I’m 110 percent supportive of whatever she decides she needs to do to lose weight & get in shape. But I can’t push her either because she’ll rebel and eat more. She has to do this when she is ready and makes the decision for herself.
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No, it doesn’t really take time away. We’re trying to pay off some big credit card balances right now, and gym membership fees are not as essential as the mortgage, food and cable TV (at least in her view). So I’m doing all my working out at home while watching the news doing whatever I can on equipment I have or can improvise. I’m doing pushups, chin-ups. We have a swiss ball and some dumb bells. We have a community rotary action coming up and I’m planning to buy a recumbant exercise bike for her and a weight bench & weights for me.
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No, I don’t have a history of cheating. But that is a fear of hers. All I can do is assure her I won’t.
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She says she thinks the guys who compete in the body-builder competitions are gross, and she never liked guys who were “obsesssed” with body building and always check themselves out in the mirror.
OK, I believe her that she doesn’t like the Schwarzenegger look, but that’s not my goal. I don’t think I’d do the work and/or take the drugs to get there anyway. I’m be happy tranforming my look from the Leanardo DiCaprio to a Russell Crowe or Brendon Frazer look. She can’t say they’re gross becaue when we watch these moves with these guys she never fails to comment on how hot she thinks they are.
- Finally, she questions the timing of my interest in weightlifting. She has a friend in her 20s who is very hot looking, who has boyfriend who works out and uses steroids. She beleives I’m doing this to ger her attention.
All this has brought up memories of when I was in my 20s and sex was a rare event for me, and none of those partners looked like my wife’s friend. I often blamed my woman difficulties on being too thin & non-muscular. I now regret that I didn’t seek out steroids during that year in my 20s that I was working out in a gym but gained little to show for it. Seeing this woman’s choices in men brought up feelings that my physique was and is inadedquite. I recently discovered the book “Scrawny to Brawny” and it seems to address the issues I had when I did weightlifting years ago. So now I want to persue the program described in the book.
And yes, validation from others on how I look is part of my motivaion. I got a lot of this at work already after I lost 25 pounds of gut, and I wouldn’t mind more as I build up my chest shoulder & arms. But isn’t that the reason ANYBODY works out beyond what is necessary for purely health reasons?
Is the connection of her friend to my renewed interest in bodybuilding a valid reason to not do it?
If she gets hostile from you making a 6-8 hr a week committment to yourself and to the gym, then use that for energy.
She wants you to be a fat, sorry, lazy piece of crap thats no good but for bringing home a paycheck to her.
Looking at you fat and sorry and lazy makes her feel better about herself.
Its a problem in her psychology, she shouldnt even think like that.
Cuase if its your wife, it should uplift her especially when good or positive things happen to or for you.
So ballz up, be a man and tighten that shit up, if she gets mad from you going to the gym, she’ll even get madder when you tighten your shit up.
[quote]aduren wrote:
At the end she started having lots of fun especially when i dragged her on a tire around while running (like running with weight) or when i would run with her on my shoulders…[/quote]
How old is your girlfriend, eight?
LOL…
j/k
Whatever motivated you to do it, good. You did it. Don’t let that motivation be ruined by anyone. You already know what you need to do, and you have already taken the first two steps, the first by working out, the second by coming here. Do you really need to ask us? I believe you already know what there is to do, and just wanted some other guys to reinforce you. We did. Now get busy and get what you want.
Your wife is feeling insecure.
Maybe you can reverse the issue a bit and ask her not to take out her insecurities on you… in a really nice and supportive way of course.
My wife got a little concerned when I started spending so much time eating and working out. She slowly came around to my new ways and is now doing the Velocity Diet with me to get ready for our vacation. That never would have happened a year ago.
She was mad that the weekend we usually spend together was now spent by myself at the gym. She wasn’t so much jealous of what I was doing, but of losing the time together. Now we go together, and she is looking great. Just be polite to her about stuff and make things available, but don’t push it on her.
I did the Lowery fasted morning walks, and we would walk around the neighborhood talking and that got us to day hikes in parks. She really liked that. Eventually, she wanted to go to the gym…
I feel your pain brother. I have and am going through similar crap.
My wife and I have been together for 17 yrs. We have 2 children, two boys 16 and 11 y/o. We both work and make respectable money but are far from wealthy. We have a nice home and drive late model vehicles.
I’m 48 yrs old and have been physically active most of my life. However over the last few years I have gotten more serious about my training. I guess because I’m getting older I want to go for the gusto while I still can. My wife on the other hand hates training and does it hit or miss. More miss than hit lately. She’s not fat but could lose a few lbs and tone up, she’s also a smoker. It’s annoying but God forbid I tell her anything about it. Honestly, I’d rather her smoke than not smoke. She tried to quit at the beginning of the year and lasted nearly 3 months before caving in and starting back; THANK GOD! She was a total BITCH until she went back to it. The kids and I couldn’t stay out of her way no matter what. It was like PMS on steroids.
Anyhow it seems that training and supplementation has really driven a huge wedge in our relationship. She has a shit-fit when I spend any money on my hobby, even though it doesn’t impact the household budget. I don’t drink or smoke, but of course there is never any problem with money for cigarettes and alcohol but we can’t afford those supplements or organic foods. She also belittles me about being a bodybuilder whenever she can. She has no problem ridiculing me in front of anybody that’ll listen, like store clerks, waiters, etc. She loves to call me shit like Mr. Clean, Hercules, Mr. Universe, gorilla boy, macho-man and just about any other demeaning name she can think of. “Don’t make daddy mad he might crush you with his big muscles”. “Anybody want tickets to the gun show”. She even has my kids making fun of me about it too. When I get enough and tell her or the kids I don’t appreciate it, she says it’s only a joke and I’m a big baby with no sense of humor. She says I look disgusting, too bulky and veiny. Funny thing is when she sees other guys built like me she’ll say stuff like, "He’s fine or he’s got a rockin bod’.
She tells me, “If I don’t like the jokes then give up my training and stop taking all that crap”. One day after taking a barrage of shit from her I thought I’d turn the tables and told her, her ass was too wide and the cellulite on her legs looked like the surface of the moon. She got so pissed she wouldn’t speak to me for 2 weeks. The silence was great but during the freeze out she was a total bitch. Throwing shit around and acting like an asshole the whole time and making snide comments under her breath until I apologized and told her I didn’t mean it just to make peace. She agreed to stop the “jokes”, but that lasted about a week and then became part of the joke. She’d make a joke about bodybuilding or me and then say, “Oops, I’m not supposed to say things like that, I’m sorry”, very sarcastically.
I’ve tried to explain to her that training is my middle age crazy. Instead of getting a hair transplant, a sports car or dumping her and the kids for a newer model this is my thing. My hobby doesn’t hurt anyone I go to the gym while she’s at work and the kids are at school. I have no social life other than my family, my job and my workouts. I’m home every night. I try to be a good husband and father to our kids. The only friends I have anymore are “our friends”, translated to mean her friends. But no matter how hard I try I’m still a joke to my family and “our friends”.
Most of this is my own fault. I should pick up my marbles and go play somewhere else, but we’re in a situation where we can’t afford a divorce financially. It takes both of our incomes to afford our current standard of living and I guess neither of us wants to give that up. I could probably afford it alone, barely, but she wouldn’t be able to and I don’t want our kids to suffer. I guess if I had a wish, it would be for her to find some other poor bastard who’d be willing to put up with her and her move out with him.
Bottom line…My advice to you is if you can nip it in the bud, otherwise head for the hills.
Good luck,
AssBuster
Seriously, I have thought about this myself (in the future tense, I’m single with no kids), and I’ve decided that healthy (in mind, spirit, and body) kids need healthy parents as role models. You could call it “a virtue to selfishness”, but you should be the kind of person you want your kids to be. No offense meant, I greatly understand the difficulties of being yoked with people who don’t value their health (my parents, my ex…).
the last girl i dated before i met my current lady was like this. she was out of shape, but she was also very clingy.
I told her that working out was something I did, she didn’t have to if she didn’t want to and I didn’t care if she did or didn’t. I told her I wanted to take care of myself, and be in the best shape possible.
She then she pulled the whole “you like going to the gym more than you like being with me” bullshit, to which i replied “the gym was there before you and it’ll be there after you”. while this didn’t go over too well, it drove home the point that i wasn’t giving up the gym and if she wasn’t going to at least be quiet about it much less support it, she could get the hell out.
the way i see it, i’ve got enough stress, so i don’t need any extra negative forces around.
What are so many of you guys doing in relationships and marriages with people like this?!
To the original poster, do your best to stay motivated. Good luck in what you are doing, but you may seriously need to consider why you are staying in a relationship like this. It’s not even about the gym really, you two have some real issues to work out.
Women are suckers for going for romantic walks and crap like that. Just don’t screw up and call it training or exercise!
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Assbuster, I don’t have the brainpan to see the path, but there has to be a way to explain that it is damaging the relationship for her to be snidely turning you into the butt of all the family jokes.
If she expects you to respect her, you should also be able to expect similar respect in return.
On the other hand, maybe let her know that such ridicule is a great motivator and kicks your ass all the way to the gym on days when you might otherwise not go.
Buy the kids weights for xmas, show them how to use them properly, and get them on your side too… after all, just tell them hot chicks dig fit guys.
Okay, I’m done giving out relationship destroying advice for one day…
To the OP- for christ’s sake do not but her a recumbant bike if she doesn’t specifically ask you to. That’s like pouring gas on a fire…
Also- you guys have a lot more problems than just you working out and her being jealous. The fact that you think this much about her hot friend means there is some truth to her insecurity. You need to get that shit in check and do what you need to do.
Assbuster… man… that’s freakin’ horrible. The only thing I could suggest would likely lead to a hell of a fight; sitting your family down, everyone at once, and drawing a line in the sand. Explain why you do what you do, if you hope that your kids will adopt a healthy, disciplined lifestyle, bring that up. Expound upon the advantages and virtues of it. There are plenty of examples of the old kings of physical fitness and how remarkably graceful their aging was – it’s a decision that affects the entirety of your life, and the quality of that life, not a quest of vanity.
But you’ve also got to lay down the law, man: that you won’t tolerate open disrespect, and that these “jokes” have crossed that line.
Talk about toxic – I get peevish in fighting with my wife over putting supplements in the budget, but damn, my head would explode if she ever crossed that line. That’d be too much.
Someone asked how T-men (and probably a Vixen or two) get stuck in these relationships? Some people hide this side of them for a long, long time. It just lays dormant until your spouse allows themselves to slide down to a certain level. Fear and jealousy start building up, and then it starts with a little barb or a jab here or there. Something thinly veiled but easily brushed off. It grows a day at a time, a week… a month… a year. It’s never just right there – that’s easy to confront.
It’s the subtle, slow changes, like someone in a steady health decline, that has you one day looking in the mirror and asking; “Where the fuck did I go wrong?”
If you’ve got kids, it’s twice as complicated. No man worth a damn is going to feel comfortable screwing his family over to secure his own peace of mind – so now there’s the one-two combo of responsibility and guilt weighing in. At a certain point, things have to get UGLY before they get better.
Assbuster – best of luck to you, man.
[quote]Northcott wrote:
Someone asked how T-men (and probably a Vixen or two) get stuck in these relationships? Some people hide this side of them for a long, long time. It just lays dormant until your spouse allows themselves to slide down to a certain level. Fear and jealousy start building up, and then it starts with a little barb or a jab here or there. Something thinly veiled but easily brushed off. It grows a day at a time, a week… a month… a year. It’s never just right there – that’s easy to confront.
If you’ve got kids, it’s twice as complicated. No man worth a damn is going to feel comfortable screwing his family over to secure his own peace of mind – so now there’s the one-two combo of responsibility and guilt weighing in. At a certain point, things have to get UGLY before they get better.
[/quote]
I think this is a great thread.
You just explained everything that happened to me a few years back with the jealousy thing. It’s never 1 thing, the progression is slow yet CONSTANT untill you do a 180 and switch shit up.
AB- All I could think about when reading your post was …48??? this guys 48 and takes this shit??? His wife acts like this? Best of luck and thanks for sharing. It seems this topic has a lot of validity to T-Nation-ers.
To the gun show comment…when she uses it make clever fun of it like…“But honey don’t you realize she already has the tickets?”
[quote]eengrms76 wrote:
The fact that you think this much about her hot friend means there is some truth to her insecurity. You need to get that shit in check and do what you need to do.[/quote]
Yeah, I know. My shit is more “in check” than it was last summer, but how do I complete that process? And does that mean my exercising should be limited to riding my mountain bike, which I’ve was doing since long before I met my wife?
assbuster - sounds like this:
your wife has no respect for you so she treats you like shit
the fact you take it reinforces her disrespect
and the cycle repeats
Wow dancar that explanation you gave was pretty blunt in and of its self.
I highly respect that.
I would say this to you ultimately if you are not doing any thing wrong IE using drugs to lose weight, cheating on your wife etc.
Then getting your self in shape is a good thing and can only benefit you and your household. You will become less tired as the weight stabilizes you will be healthy and strong which can only help on the job and its well known that in shape healthy people tend to be more successful.
So wether your wife is motivated or not you aren’t doing anything wrong except improving your odds for a better life so have at it she is being selfish doesn’t matter if its justified by her being threatened by it you are not doing anything wrong so get with the program and workout.
her jealousy may eventually lead to her saying hey my husband is looking pretty good maybe I should start getting back in shape. But even if it doesn’t youre either gonna love your wife the way she is or not and she is either gonna give you a break or not.
But you are not doing anything wrong!
I will say this though if you are having any and I mean any type of financial hardships no matter how small don’t go by the 1500 dollar a yr gym membership with the 500 dollar intiation fee and don’t go to the Vitamin Shoppe and by 3 yrs worth Of Creatine.
She and you should be concerened about the bills first you can go for walks and work out at the park and at home.
Good luck Man.
[quote]oldskinnyfat wrote:
assbuster - sounds like this:
your wife has no respect for you so she treats you like shit
the fact you take it reinforces her disrespect
and the cycle repeats[/quote]
Trust me man, you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know, but I’m between shit and stink. What can I do? If anyone else even attempted to disrespect me like she does I’d rip their head off.
Believe me if it wasn’t for the gym and my kids I would’ve probably eaten my gun a long time ago. Now I’m stuck in a world of shit and the gym is my only sanctuary, my only release.
It’s also pretty sad that things have come to this. We used to have a nearly fairytale romance. We were best friends. Life just comes along and kicks you in the nads over and over again and things change. Your interests change and you grow apart. We’re now nothing more than plutonic roommates. It sucks!
My sole purpose for my prior post was to warn dancar and any other guys who weren’t into the abyss as deeply as I am to head for the hills or get the wife/G/F on your side before its too late.
Thanks to those who have offered their support and or condolences. To the others try walking a mile in my shoes before you judge me too harshly.
Peace,
AssBuster
Assbuster don’t think of us a judging you. Think of it more that we are grieving with you, and trying to be supportive to you and the op in changing the trends…