I think this is the best thing my husband has done for my sons. He has shown them what it means to be a genuine man. One who is strong, loving and loyal.
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@cantfitinjeans One thing that has stuck out from your posts is that you view things in a very clear “either/or” structure. There’s a little room for hypotheticals, but holding two ideas at the same time and making them meld dosen’t seem to come naturally. Maybe it’s an age thing.
When I was 21, I remember a couple of my friends were trying to get the same girl. Let’s call them Josh and Tim. Tim and I were in a mixed group and he was complaining that Josh was all tough, but he was a gentleman. One of the women we were with said “You can be both.” That’s always stuck with me.
Hitting 21 is like a reset button. In your 20’s you’re a kid in adult years, in your 30’s a teenager, 40’s you’re actually an adult. So it’s good that you’re thinking about this now, but think about how you can be both a good husband who enjoys his marrage, and a strong father for your kids.
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I would do anything in the world for my wife. I’d defy death itself.
Unless I’m watching a youtube video or something.
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Definitely. 
Obviously.
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Well, it’s a feeling. Someone loves someones because they do them good, otherwise, why would you love? I know there are some people that love unconditionally, but I think there is actually a condition underneath.
Basically, love is selfishness.
I wouldn’t have treat her that way, don’t know how you got that. I don’t care much about a partner to life, at least now. I can take care of things by myself, whether it’s feelings or just advices. Don’t want it too sound too harsh, it’s not actually harsh.
Yep, you’re right. But, don’t you think there a lot of people like that? Maybe they don’t think that way when they get married, or right after their kids have grown, but sometime they will, and they get eventually divorced. I just think about these things now.
Not all people stay exactly the same for 20 years, and if they do, part of them had dreams, but they want kids first.
Not all relationships are lovey dovey. I don’t want kids when I’m 40 so I can find the perfect one.
I absolutely do. That’s why so many people get divorced after their children are gone. They completely lose sight of the relationship between them and focus only on their children. Next thing you know, your kids moved out and on with life. You are now living with a complete stranger and the purpose of your relationship is gone.
Very true statement. There are plenty of long term relationships that are built on foundations that have very little to do with love. And I don’t think love should be the only basis for a relationship. A successful marriage requires a certain level of attraction, respect, shared goals, willingness to compromise and sacrifice, ability to communicate, and a myriad of other things that I’m probably forgetting. It’s also quite possible to love people who would be a terrible spouse or who make you miserable. I would not recommend marrying one of these people. Nor would I recommend marrying someone if you are that person to them.
I don’t know anyone who stays the same for 20 years. People change and so do relationships. My husband is completely different than he was when we met. I am nothing like the person he married. Neither one of those are a bad thing. He taught me to be more responsible, I taught him to be more affectionate. We compliment each other in our strengths. The trick to marriage is finding a way to change and adjust your relationship together. Dreams also change. This is not necessarily a bad thing.
If a co-parenting relationship is all you are interested in be honest with any perspective mate. Perhaps you will find someone who has a similar desire. But don’t pretend and trick someone because you don’t want to wait to have children. That’s not fair to anyone and will end very badly for you. I can think of very little that is worse than marrying someone because you love them and want a future with them and finding out they never felt the same.
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Guess what… at 21. You might not be the same in 5 years. With your world view going through a complete overhaul.
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I was exaggerating a bit
Implies that you see a future wife as a mother and not her own self.
What would happen if your future wife goes through something that makes her unable to have kids?
I’m saying all of this bc I’m having these conversations with my mum.
she feels like she lost herself during the time my brother and I were growing up. Everything was for us, she was always a mum or wife. When a sacrifice was needed, she made it. This caused her a lot of pain and it’s taken until her 50s to finally enjoy/be herself.
The decision to dedicate so much was mostly her choice; however, pressure from my dad and family made her feel like not having her own identity was normal and a “necessary” price.
I don’t doubt that you can and will find a woman who is more than willing to dedicate everything to her/your children, but as @BethB and others have said, if you don’t support her for her and not only as a mother, it will likely backfire.
Your children will also likely end up as unlicensed marriage counsellors like I have been for the past 7 years or so
@cantfitinjeans have you looked into the impact of divorce on children?
If we had a normal divorce system, people like you would have zero custody of children after divorce if it takes place while they’re minors.
I completely get this. I’ve had similar issues myself. This was compound by the facet that I moved 600 miles away from everyone that ever knew me. It’s very strange and difficult when your entire identity is in reference to someone else. (This is so and so’s girlfriend, wife, mom, etc). It took me years to build an identity that was mine again. Now, when I go visit my family and see people that I knew growing up it is so strange. Someone who knew me before I become someone else’s something. Someone who knew me as just Beth. Now that my kids are nearing the age where I am more peripheral for them, my identity is changing again. It’s definitely weird, but I think it’s probably good. Being a wife and mother almost requires you to be a chameleon. What role to I need to fill today? I used to struggle with it. But looking back I think it was good. It showed me how capable I am and that I am very able to adjust to a given circumstance. I like to think of it as a fluid personality. Lol
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Pre Cana my then fiance and I are doing an exercise with the priest. We each separately answer questions in secret, then compare answers at the end. “Under what circumstances would you leave the marriage and seek divorce?” We both answered infidelity. The priest went on to counsel us that no, that cannot be. We must forgive as Christ did. Now obviously there are scenarios that go beyond that, but he wanted us to really take stock of what we’re getting into.
@cantfitinjeans have you been in a relationship? Long term(year +)? If so, how was that and did it end badly?
Around your age I had a split with a girl that broke my heart. Sent me into a good 5 years of banging sluts and no commitment. But like everyone is saying, it changes, you’ll change.
I would break up. Probably would be hard for me but gotta do it. Not saying straight away break up, but soon.
I’m not going to replace someone’s identity with being a mother. It’s her own decision. Obviously I wouldn’t want her to be sad, and I would encourage her to do things that would make her happy (with me also). I do wish that my future wife would be primarily a mother because that’s what kids need in my opinion, but only if she wants it too. Not going to remove her identity, not gonna force myself on anyone obviously.
Not sure what you all mean. Obviously I wouldn’t want to live with someone that is sad and just plain mom. What did you all get from “I would probably see it more as a taking care of their mother”?
Yeah, and if I would ever divorce, it would only be when they’re grown.
The divorce system already prefers the mothers over the fathers.
That you wouldn’t give a shit for caring for her because she is her, someone who needs care and love regardless of her mommy status.
Why not? My wife had my son when I was 40.
I wanted a proven record of dedication and cooperation, along with self assurance that I was on the right path.
He’s a good kid. A blessing, really. Dilligent in his school work- high honors roll, kind to others, etc.
Children thrive in a stable environment.
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Haven’t been really. I had “chances” but it’s or I wasn’t attracted to her, or it wouldn’t be something serious. If you’re trying to figure out if I was ever in love, then probably not.
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I see. Divorce has ramifications on families as a whole and breaks the bonds between people. Hence mass divorce is doing a great job wrecking society.
Yes. It also has done a great job wrecking lives. We’ve had much discussion about it in several threads.
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So what do you think I would do? Just let her feed babies? Obviously I would treat her a human being, and as a partner to life. I think the obvious is obvious here.
Maybe it wasn’t a good phrased sentence. What I did mean is that I don’t care much about a “partner to life”.