That’s tough. I think i’d go with The Cure
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I’m separated after 11 years marriage and headed toward divorce 
I take accountability that I got so caught up in a job requiring long hours and I put the bare minimum into the relationship for a while (“I promise next year will be better…”) but this past year I really focused on improving the marriage, such as doing marriage counseling and reading relationship books. I cut back on work hours, planned more dates/trips and did more of the household tasks.
Maybe it was too little too late and her mind was already made up, but it’s just disappointing because in my mind issues she brought up like communication and trust can be worked on if both people are on board. There weren’t any of the standard “deal breakers” you think of like an affair or physical/verbal abuse.
I’m kind of taking a break to focus on my own issues before I try to date again. One thing I did realize about myself is I tend to feel like I need to “shoehorn” myself into whatever specific version of myself I think the other person wants or they will lose interest and leave. This has been true in both friendships and romantic relationships. This has led to resentment on my part or burnout and unintentionally pushing people away after a while.
Early on I was the husband that went out of his way to plan romantic surprises etc. but that fell off over time. Probably need to work on finding a level I can sustain long term or the same thing will likely happen in any future relationship.
In hindsight I switched from taking the marriage for granted to “shoehorn mode” which probably came across as desperate and off-putting.
Probably not the person to ask for advice but I’d just say that if you feel the marriage is in a “rut” don’t ignore your gut- take action! It probably won’t magically get better on its own. And if you have too much momentum going in the wrong direction it can be very difficult to turn things around.
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What you said here in my opinion, is all in the mind and not what actually happens in reality.
You said love isn’t a “feeling” necessarily, but you quote a definition that defines love as multiple feelings.
I think that’s an instinct every man has by nature. I don’t think this is related to “love”.
I think love is selfish because you’re looking for a person that does you good, whether it’s having a massage every day or her looking pretty. If I understood well, you’re describing love as something that you would do anything for, even if you get nothing in return. Does that exist really? Probably, but there is something deeper there.
I think love is selfish because you’re looking for a person
I absolutely wasn’t when it happened to me. The opposite. I was pushing away pretty much everyone.
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Same here.
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I’m sure at this point, this thread has taken its own spin.
But to answer original question, I had three rules in life:
- Don’t get married
- if you do, don’t have kids
- If you do, don’t raise someone else’s kids
I got married at 23, have four kids, 3 of which are not genetically related to my wife or I.
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Ive kind of browsed around the thread and will offer a perspective I didnt see yet
You have a very unusual set of desires. That doesnt make them wrong, but it does make them very hard to find and link up with someone who has the same ones.
MOST humans are attracted to the idea of a long term partner (at least at some point), raising kids *with that partner* (most people dont just want kids, they want kids with a specific person because they love that person), and just generally experiencing life with them and all that comes with it.
You apparently want the kid(s) but not the romantic partner. Again, nothing “wrong” with that but its gonna be a rare, rare woman that is also looking for that.
However, the idea isnt entirely unique. Theres even websites that link up people who want to Co-Parent with each other and have that be their only relationship to the other person
You are 21… I know you feel like thats an adult and that you are as old as youve ever been, but take it from a 40+ year old, that aint shit. I wouldnt be making ANY decisions that impact the rest of your life like having a kid with a stranger (or even marrying someone you love) at 21. Heck even 25 seems a little young for that to me, but again we are all different.
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#Metoo
It can also be seeing a potential.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this.
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It can be many things.
Thanks for the kind words
Yeah for sure. If I learned anything from this thread is not to make any decisions now. Seems like most responders here didn’t actually look for a relationship but just found one somehow. Seems like everyone here were at the same mindset I’m.
Yep, I’m pretty sure 90% of women are not like that. That is probably why there is some cheating from girls, because sometimes their partner isn’t emotional or romantic, etc. Not saying guys don’t cheat either, but they cheat because of physical attraction.
I don’t mind a partner, but I gotta have freedom. Having a partner, usually means not having full freedom (not by any means having sex with other women).
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What was your parent’s relationship like? Seems you have a single interoperation on how relationships work.
Long story haha. I just see how relationships look like around me.
I guess if you define “freedom” as “doing whatever I want at any time I want it”, than yeah any time you do anything that involves other humans your “freedom” is going to be limited, not just marriage/relationships
I cant go on vacation next week because Im scheduled at work. Does that mean I dont have “freedom” ? In some sense I suppose it does, but by and large we all realize there are benefits to having a job
Most people derive benefit from a long term relationship with someone else as well, perhaps you dont though. Again nothing wrong with that, its just unusual , and perhaps the things you desire are SO unusual you may never find someone who shares your same ideals/goals/desires
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If we’re going to start talking about freedom, I’m gonna bust out Sartre’s “Radical Freedom” and ya’ll are going to start feeling REALLY silly.
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We’re All just brains in vats as far as we can know
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I’m going with the Cure. The double Decker bus is too much for me. That and some girls’ mothers are bigger than other girls’ mothers. Toooo much.
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