Thank you for the poignant, considerate, and vulnerable response.
My mother, who has a degree in philosophy, has a name for a game we could play where we compare our lives. She calls it “Ain’t it awful?” It’s where we try to one up each other about how awful our lives are.
Your point about externalizing is on the mark. I have recognized for a long time that I view myself as lacking agency, that I am a victim. I have done work around this but am still defensive about it, because, frankly, as a a five year old getting pounded by older, larger siblings, I was a victim.
As were you.
Of course, we have the choice to change the narrative - from victim to victor/survivor. That requires a radical shift in thinking, which is what I am trying to do. I am sixty, so I have more than sixty years of living as a victim. It is not that easy to change (as you well know), and I have always been a slow learner.
The ADHD piece helps me attack the problem. Rather than being angry at myself (there’s that A word again), I try to step back and recognize the emotional dysregulation as a part of my particular neuro make up.
Gabor Mate’ talked about it on Rogan. I saw it on TikTok. It must be true.
And for me, it makes sense. Fifty percent of adults with ADHD suffer SUD.
I have come to recognize that my fathers’ absence to work long hours, coach sports teams (never mine), and to drink at the local bar, was him doing the best that he could. That my mothers’ decision to let her kids “sort it out” was not abandonment, just her lack of awareness because she was an only child. That my oldest brothers’ abuse was his way of controlling a world in which he felt out of control. Most of the time, I don’t hate them. I feel sorry for them, I am sad about a lost childhood, but I am no longer existentially exhausted by these grievances.
That may not be me being a victor rather than a victim, but it is a step in that direction.
Brene’ Brown has a TEDTalk on being vulnerable. I think she wrote a book about it as well. I recognize that it may not seem like such a big deal to you to share here, but to me, it is a love language.
Thank you.
