Did that, didn’t end well. Would not recommend.
When I started leading the relationship - things got a little worse, then they started going better. Then a LOT better.
1 Like
Is she some kind of moron who can’t do anything?
Want to know what’s crazy to me, it’s the fact that some kids will grow to act like an attractive man naturally because of that being demonstrated by their own father, and his relationship with their mother.
Men who haven’t been exposed to that growing up unfortunately have to acquire that way of thinking or habits on their own.
1 Like
I believe men taking on the leadership role is their gift to women. I do not think it is an easy task.
1 Like
I agree with this, that 60/40 is manageable.
But!
This reminds me of a thing I did at work.
A guy I was teamed up with thought he was the hardest working guy on the crew. And this was a tough crew. Lots of violent criminals, high strung/high test freakin whackjobs. We were repairing & restoring barges. Hard, nasty, dirty stuff- and according to management, the most productive & profitable division in the company. Like a team of sled dogs. Left alone, we’d tear each other to pieces. Well directed, we’d run the Iditarod.
So dude is actually pretty lazy, but he’s the hardest working guy he knows- acording to him. I got tired of hearing him flap his yap.
So I set up 2 identical machines to the exact same settings, and challenged him. 1 stick of 5/32 rod for time, then as far as you can weld in 5 minutes. Must be full, passable welds.
Result- Test 1, the rods burned at the exact same rate. Test 2, we both welded the exact same length/time. Measured by a 3rd guy who was also tired of his shit.
But he STILL believed that he worked harder than everybody else.
There is no possible way to be in an equally beneficial relationship with someone like that, and he actually has a pretty common misunderstanding of effort in general.
No coincidence his wife was pretty unhappy too. She accidentally sent a text to him that was meant for her boyfriend. He asked her what she was having for lunch, and she texted back “ok, 2:30 at the crown hotel. See ya soon” then said that their youngest son was hitting buttons playing with her phone. 
2 Likes
A lot of analysis going on here, lol.
Find your fit and marry it. Find your relationship groove together. Work on tough spots. Yours will vary from others. Hopefully you were authentic while dating, it makes it easy to keep being the person she married and vice versa. Keep her horny and then keep her fucked. You’ll be fine.
2 Likes
I grew up in a 2 parent household, but was led astray with shitty advice RE girls.
“Just be yourself”
Well that shit doesn’t work if you’re already being yourself and that isn’t getting female attention.
#baggage
anyways, I had to unplug myself and figure out how the hell I should act.
It still is “just be yourself”, but in a VERY different context.
2 Likes
Hey, dress up slutty. we’re goin’ to Hooters.
1 Like
Trashy behavior isn’t attractive.
“Hey, I have a table reserved at xyz restaurant at 7:00pm Friday. I want you to wear that black dress I like - the one with the open back. I’ll pick you up.”
2 Likes
If you move that comma 2 words to the right it completely changes the post.
3 Likes
I know. I stated explicitly that I don’t read or particularly expose myself to agendized feminism, either. I simply don’t want to read books proving that half the people are victimizing the other half with the government’s assistance. The feminist literature is no different. Here is one book summary:
A renowned feminist thinker argues we need to get in the way of happiness, our own and other people’s, to build a more just world
Do you refuse to laugh at offensive jokes? Have you ever been accused of ruining dinner by pointing out your companion’s sexist comment? Are you often told to stop being so “woke”? If so, you might be a feminist killjoy—and this handbook is for you. In this book, feminist theorist Sara Ahmed shows how killing joy can be a radical world-making project.
I just don’t want to read it. I’m not radical. I never have been and never will be. I don’t want to undertake a world-making project by killing joy! At the same time, I recognize problems in the system.
Same thing with the issues you raise. I’m not oblivious to the difficulties confronting men. I work intimately with both men and women, and have been front line to some of the issues they face.
However, I will say that the issues I encounter generally fall into the category of “I chose to have children with a bad person, and now I’m screwed.” Child support issues (people refusing to work on the books to avoid paying, for instance), driving with the kids while intoxicated or surrounding them with unsavory people and the better parent can’t do anything about it, parents just disappearing (usually fathers, but sometimes mothers). The gaslighting people do to former partners, men and women they’ve said “I love you” to, is sickening. It just goes on and on, the helplessness of parents who want to protect their children in today’s world.
I think this is terrific, and I wish you luck with it. I would absolutely watch one of your vids!
My father once said that he could always tell when one of the women at the office was getting a divorce, because all of a sudden she’d start losing weight and get a new hairdo, then he offered “maybe if they’d done that in the first place, they wouldn’t be getting a divorce.” Feminist killjoy that I was, I said “men do it, too, Dad.” And despite being a member of the He-man Woman Hater’s Club, he agreed. (My father, by the way, got stuck with two kids when my mother up and left.)
Anyway, he was right - though it is both sexes - and I’ve kept it in mind. I tell my husband occasionally that we should go on a fancy date, which is laughable because we live in a small place with limited options and eat regularly at all the ones we like, but to me “a fancy date” is a time to be…focused on one another. Have a fancy drink and do a romantic toast. A coworker asked once where I was going as I left work because I’d put on lipstick. Home.
I expect and ask for mushy talk occasionally. If I say something really sweet and complementary to him and he responds with a grunt, I tell him that he needs to say something back. Not all the time, but occasionally.
People will say that marriage is work, but I don’t think of this as work. I think of it as tending - similar to straightening the ruffles on my daughter’s dress or folding the dishtowel neatly on the kitchen counter when the kitchen is clean. Just…taking care of. Work in marriage is overcoming emotional shutdown when a fight has gone to silent treatment and the relationship is in a chilly, polite place. Work is forgiving something shitty the other person has said when they were in a bad mood or frustrated. Work is assuming the best when someone is distant and you don’t know why.
But I think taking care of yourself and one another is the nice part. My husband would have a different take on “the nice part.” I think he’d be focused on having someone to spend time with - he called me a big baby hiking last week (slogging up a mountain jn a snow storm, I wanted to start slogging back down, lol) and I was able to point out “Who else is willing to do this with you? HUH? No one!” (Except the dog.) It’s true, and he values that. I’m a good buddy. Sex, of course. And he very much values our shared financial resources.
6 Likes
The problem is one party is waiting for the other to step and do something. When the reality hits, you won’t replace the partner you burdened with the task of stepping up to save the relationship looking like you do (fat, sloppy, hobo-ish), you have the motivation to step up and do what you should have done earlier.
1 Like
Sure, but those people are not my problem. Taking my partner for granted is something I can avoid with a little awareness. Taking care of myself is something I do for me even more than for him.
Treating the people I love with the same respect I’d show a stranger or a group of them and showing up at home the way I show up in public just makes good sense to me. I want to smell pretty at home AND work.
And I expect the same from my husband. I don’t expect to be courted or woo’d in my marriage, but I do expect him to show up as the same person I dated.
2 Likes
My $.02 cents, if you view a relationship as transactional and keep a mental tally of who does more/less it’s doomed to fail.
7 Likes
If I’m understanding this right, you give compliments with the expectation of getting something in return?
There aren’t many things that give me the ‘ick’ but this is one of them.
Good for you. Question: do you think that the states involvement in marriage (alimony, child support, generally punitive for men and beneficial for women) has an impact on whether the average woman takes their husband for granted?
(In aware this happens on both sides in different capacities)
1 Like
No. I’m very verbal as well as gratitude-leaning. He hears a LOT of nice and/or sexy stuff from me (“just so you know, I’m objectifying you right now!”). Occasionally the grunt I get in return will prompt me to tell him he has to say nice stuff to me, too. Occasionally I’ll get something funny back (“I’ve always admired your height”) other times more serious.
Verbal is not his love language, but sometimes I want reciprocation. So I say so. He does the same thing. Tells me that it IS possible for me to break down the boxes in the garage, or whatever.
Communication.
1 Like
I guess we’re different. Compliments, IMO, should only ever be given because the giver wants to give it. It’s a gift.
If you’re giving it with the expectation of getting something in return, it’s not really a compliment anymore.
My wife used to ask me to say nice things to her, and I would capitulate. It wasn’t genuine and it didn’t make either of us feel good - if anything, the opposite.
I eventually stopped capitulating her and explained that if i had to be compelled into giving a compliment, i won’t mean it when i say it. Now when i give compliments, theyre given from a place of genuine appreciation. We both like this better.
My daughter (7) tries to milk her accomplishments for maximum praise (what kid doesnt?). I explained the same thing to her.
We don’t do “compliment fishing” in my house. Maybe it’s just a me thing, but being compelled to say something nice just isn’t it for me.
I just think compliments and gifts should be given from a place of abundance and appreciation, not negotiationm
Really? You can’t think of complimentary things to say about your wife? That’s a little depressing.
I don’t do tit for tat, but rather occasionally ask for tat from someone who often forgets to verbalize nice feelings.
If I’m straddling you or snuggled against you and telling you how grateful I am that you came into my life, or whatever, I’d like to think that nice things will come easily to mind without any need for dishonesty.
Again, I’m very free with compliments and announcements that “this is perfect” or “you’re my best friend” without expectation of anything in return. But if I’d like to hear something to make me feel good, wouldn’t it be reasonable to simply ask the man I’m married to?
Your reaction feels like a power-struggle thing to me. Like “you can’t tell me what to do.”
If your wife is asking you to say nice things, you aren’t saying them enough. She wants reassurance or something alike to it. Acknowledgment. Why be parsimonious?
1 Like
That’s not what i said and i think you know that.
Often times, I’ve found that women do not want the thing they said they want. I’m sure I’m not the only man whose experienced this.
Strangely, once i started giving compliments only when i genuinely wanted to - she no longer asked for compliments.
She also knows exactly the things to do that will make me want to give her compliments, because she knows how those things make me feel.
She does things i like, i do things she likes. Geunine reciprocation without negotiation.
P.S i used to think the relationship was a power struggle… when i was not the one in charge of it. I’ve set a direction for our family and relationship, my wife happily follows along with that plan because she likes the destination and trusts me to bring it to fruition. There is no power struggle; i am the captain, she is my first mate. I have found this dynamic to be the most appealing and satisfying for both of us.
It really is what you said. That you’d capitulate and it wasn’t genuine. I could list 10 nice things I love about my husband right now - a hundred - and they would be genuine.
I think you are the one in a transactional situation. I’m the one asking earnestly for what would make me feel happy, which he can easily give without cost or sacrifice. I’m not exercising power over him, nor he me. I shouldn’t have to earn loving behavior. Nor should he, e.g. if he compliments me enough I’ll put out.
That’s where the “icks” are to me.