sounds like u need to get a seperation,your wife doesn’t sound like she loves u, If she did she would let u touch her and she would show affection.Was it always like this?
Who cares as long as I pop my cookies. And sometimes it’s better sooner than later. I need my sleep. Usually my women don’t take kindly to my attitude and soon leave. Which is ok by me. Copsfan should “cop” an attitude with his wife and maybe she’ll take a little leave of absence. Then you can start poundin’ all kinds of broads…or just rub one out and catch up on those zzzzzz’s.
How old are you and your wife Copfan? When you were first married did she seem to enjoy sex? I’m only 20, but I’m worried as hell I’ll be married and it’ll end up like that.
I’m in my mid-30s and my wife is in her lower 30s. No, it hasn’t always been like this. It wasn’t like on the wedding night, she said, "Look buddy, this is the way it’s going to be … 3 minutes of thrusting … ".
No, it gradually got worse and worse, till it got to rock bottom. Her desire faded, and mine didn’t. I remember many years back a period where she didn’t want to have sex at all and one night I was pleading for it and she said, “OK if you really want it, let’s just do it quickly with no foreplay.”. I think we were in trouble before that, but I think that was definitely a turning point in the wrong direction. On the other hand, it could have gone worse if I had just given up pleading or if she was more insistent that there be no sex. Maybe in that case I would be on here saying that we haven’t had sex in years. I think that would be worse.
Your sad tale really made me feel for you. I admire the fact that you are sticking it out with your wife, despite the sexual problems. Many men would have left her long ago. Just goes to show that marriage really is “for better or for worse”. Sounds to me like she was either abused as a kid or terrified to enjoy sex for some reason. How truly sad.
copsfan - It sounds exactly like she was abused, emotionally or physically/sexually. I was withdrawn and HATED to be touched by anyone for a very long time because of my abuse. 5 years of counseling - and a lot of rugby and lifting - made me a very differnt person. Would she see a therapist? Would you go to therapy together? And to those of you who say ‘dump her because she doesn’t put out’ perhaps he thinks marriage is for life and loves his wife?
I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate here. Maybe Copsfan is the one who may need to spend some $$ on therapy to find out why he’s been willing to settle for an unsatifactory relationship for so long.
Everything that you’ve said points in the direction that your wife was abused sexually in her past. Possibly, it was rape. Possibly by her father or boyfriend. I don’t know. If in fact I’m wrong and she has never been abused than I fail to see how she could “love” you. After more than 10 years of marriage, four kids, etc. and she is treating you like this, that’s absurd. Not the sex part, the affection part, no touching, hugging, kissing, etc. That’s just ridiculous. If your wife loves you, she’ll desire to be affectionate with you. Especially since she’s in her early 30’s. Granted everyone is different, but that’s the age women are generally at their sexual peak. I urge you to fix this problem in order to save your marriage. I for one could not live out my life with someone that didn’t want to be affectionate.
How about an endocrinologist? Could she have hormone problems??? I’m just guessing. No hugging kissing? That’s very strange behaviour. I wish you the best. One pray for you. Good luck man. 
It could be hormonal. Doctors have medicine that will increase sexual drive in women. Or, she may be getting it from somewhere else. But if it has been going on as long as you say it has, that probably isn’t the case.
I really want to thank everyone for the messages of support and concern. My wife and I have finally sat down and done a lot of talking about this and decided to see a sex therapist. I hope it works. I hope we can also get my wife off of the drugs (anti-depressants and birth control) that may be contributing to this problem. Of course the problem started long before she got on the drugs, but I’d be willing to bet that the drugs are also doing their share. As for the abuse issue, I have asked her on several occasions and she’s always said no, so I don’t know what more can be done in that direction, unless the sex therapist wants to probe deeper.
Thanks again.
I am really sorry to say it Copsfan but when I read your story I laughed my sack off. I agree that she obviously has had some problems in the past that are contributing to it, but can’t she just put on a brave face for 3 friggin’ minutes? My “EX” wife complained about her legs getting sore one time (which is probably what made me laugh with your story) and I told her we could switch positions, then she gave me the dirtiest look. How many things do we hate that we shut our mouths about? Ever nail a woman with a messy yard? Get some hairs on your head while thrusting and it cuts like a knife, but do we complain and make her feel bad? Noooooo! And some women just can’t help but have a bit of an odour, no matter how clean she is, but to say “Geez you stink!” would be insensitive. Obviously I’m jaded on this issue so I just have to finish by saying “DAMN”!!
Copsfan -
If I had to put money on it, I would say the anti-depressants AND the birth control are definitely a factor. Of course, there could be many more things at work here (as the “polite” responders have suggested), but renectly my girlfriend was trying some different birth controls since the other wasn’t working out. One made her horny as hell, the other frigid. Now she’s off them all together (kinda sucks, but oh well, she feels better).
Also, as someone with a bit of knowledge on anti-depressants, sexual side-affects are often the most common. Your wife may need to tweak either the dosage or find a new prescription to see what works for her. Lastly, if the meds aren’t fully working, and the depression is still prevelant, that can kill any, and all, sexual desires right there. I went through a small bout with depression and my libido was WAY down. It really sucked. All better now, though.
And Patricia, thanks for saying what needed to be said: sex is hardly about the amount of time involved. Fellas, just concentrate on taking care of your woman first, then worry about yourself. It’ll pay off more than you know. Time means nothing.
I’m curious about how unique my situation is. I’ve looked a bit on the net and can’t seem to find any other stories like mine. I’ve seen plenty of stories about wives who’ve cut off their husbands from sex completely, but none where the wife still allows it, but in a very minimal way and makes it clear that she hates it. I mentioned this to a friend and he said that my wife probably is afraid to cut me off sex completely because she’s afraid I’d leave.
Copsfan, take it from me, RUN do not walk to theraphy. Marriage, sex, or personal (theraphy), it really doesn’t matter at first, just get some help. Next try to get her to go with you to theraphy. You also want to contact a physican (and psychitrist) about the medication she is taking and its side effects (probably a different doc than the one who is prescribing her current regemend. For those of you who have taking drugs for depression they can TOTALLY change your sex appitite (which I think is some of the reason for your wife’s lack of interest). Another question that no one has asked is why is your wife on anti-depressant medication in the first place? Is she having problems with depression? (And if she is, is she going to counseling?) Another note, while you have asked her several times if she was abused and she said “no” that does not meen that she was not abused. Pick up any phychology textbook (and from personal experience) the brain tends to gloss over tramatic events in ones past. And finally, take heart, because there are many people who suffer from depression, it will not go away overnight, and sometimes it will seem like nothing is working, but if you go counseling, get her medication adjusted correctly, and work with it, you will have a relationship that will have seen both sides of the rainbow.
been there and not going back,
tim
PS~also, look at getting a vasectamy, regardless of your moral or religion issues, it will help both of you out–she can get off birth control and you both can have some piece of mind
I don’t want to get a vasectomy. That would cut down my options if this marriage ends and I want to get remarried. Another woman might not want to marry someone who she can’t have kids with.
That shouldn’t even be a question. You’re either dedicated to the marriage or you aren’t. The back doors become self-fulfilling prophesies. Sack up and make a decision.
Cops fan, I did have some sympathy for you but now am pissed off, what the hell do you meen, “if I remarry?” I don’t give a shit about morals or ethics, the point is, if you want to have a successful relationship with your wife you can’t be thinking about “what if?” I don’t care if this is only a thought in the back of your mind or you think about remarring every day, the other person in the relationship WILL sense your reluctance (espically if they are depressed and have an inferiority complex anyway). I think the question you need to ask yourself is, “is this relationship worth it? and if it is am I willing to put the effort into it to make it better?” If your answer is “no” I suggest that you separate, staying in it will only negatively affect you both.
I am committed to this relationship, but permanently destroying my ability to reproduce is where I draw the line. I have this thing about leaving my body as God made it, unless there’s something seriously wrong with it. I don’t need no doc cutting up my private parts without a damn good reason, thank you very much. If that means I’m not “committed” enough to the relationship, so be it. I wouldn’t expect my wife to get sterilized, and I don’t think she should expect me to.
Here’s an interesting web site I found that discusses some of the serious risks posed by having a vasectomy, both health-wise and marriage-wise: