Relationship experts would say something like this:
If she has an emotional bond with him, it would be easier to cross some lines or even cheat, but only if you two are having marriage issues. If you’re solid, then maybe not much to worry about. The problems could arise if you two are having problems, big fights, or even just emotional separation with no blowups – the “my spouse feels more like a roommate” situation. In that case, the slope gets slipperier. Add butter to that slope if he too is in the same situation.
Even if nothing is going on yet, there’s something I’ve heard called “pre-cheating.” It’s just an array of behaviors that might lead up to it. Sometimes, one spouse is just getting a thrill out of it, mostly online. I wouldn’t call it just an innocent thrill for funsies because no one wants to be the spouse that’s in the dark about it. It’s more like deceit than “cheating” but many might call it that.
Now, at the risk of having everyone here hate me, what about checking her phone and social messages? I know, that’s considered a no-no, but so is cheating. And it might relieve you if you find nothing. And if you find nudes that weren’t sent to you… well, you get it.
Dani and I listen to this radio show where they do a segment called “War of the Roses.” If a woman thinks her husband is cheating, he gets a call from a “flower shop” with an offer of sending free sexy flowers to anyone. Obviously, if he puts another name on the card, there’s trouble. If a woman is thought to be cheating, she gets a call from a “flower shop” saying they have a delivery for her to her work place, but oops, we dropped the cards: “Do you know who would be sending you flowers?” If she says her husband’s name, they say, “We don’t have that name. Anyone else?” It’s the second guy’s name that raises eyebrows of course.
I’m not saying to pull something like that. This could be innocent or you could just be paranoid, but the situation does sound suspicious. I truly hope it’s nothing.
I needed to see closure around old relationships before committing myself. Wouldn’t have forced the process but easily would’ve ended the relationship citing poor timing, or left it casual.
Not going to pretend to be the “cool” hubby / SO and take out the trash while my wife is out “being friends” with her ex. You’re a cuck, not a progressive Superman. I suppose we all make decisions based on our own experiences but I’ve been on the other side of this coin. It’s brutal and funny to watch them kiss when she was sucking your dick less than a toothbrush session ago.
Fortunately exes were a non-issue with my now wife.
I try not to look. Ive looked because of some things that made me question it. Kind of Reagan-esq, trust but verify.
There was one text where it could have been questionable. We had a fight and she was telling him about it. Her last text to him went like this,
Her: I just wish that…
Him: Yeah me too
His response makes no logical sense as a response to hers. So in my mind she texted him something following that text and deleted it.
From what i can tell its harmless but they have full on conversations almost like a couple. Doesnt mean she’s not deleting texts she wouldnt want me to see, I juat dont know. Plus she’ll delete his but keep girlfriends texts from months ago. She use to hide her phone when she texted around me but now I think she just texts him at work.
The flower shop thing is interesting. She would probably send the flowers to her grandma though, which would be fine too.
Numbers 3 and 6 are relevant. I dont think she has any of his stuff but I dont know for sure. I found a polo once that was definitely not mine but she said it was her Dad’s. It didnt look like something he’d fit into but left it alone.
I would not be feeling very well about that. I am fortunate that my wife is considerate enough to not be texting her ex’s. (Maybe being they are both dead could factor into that. Just saying.)
I can say this: It’s possible to trust your spouse with all your heart and still be uncomfortable with a situation like ex-texting. The fact that you argue and she texts him doubles that discomfort.
If you say, “I’m very uncomfortable with that” without making accusations and she says what amounts to “too bad,” then it’s just not a good sign. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable and would cut off the texting immediately, even if you thought it was innocent. It’s not exactly a big sacrifice to NOT text your ex.
Any chance of couples counselling, either regular or faith-based? A third party often helps get the communication going without a blowup.
What does his wife think about it? Is she in the dark? I know you probably don’t have the answer to that. The question is, does your spouse know the answer? Do you drop into his wife’s DMs and ask her? Okay, that’s more of a malicious thought and doesn’t solve your marriage issue. But still…
I don’t see why anyone would hate on this given the situation.
The two texts read exactly this way? She said “I just wish that…” and he said “Yeah me too”?
Because they make sense to me as a…not good thing.
My husband and I have never talked about our phones or openness or cheating (just that it’s something he’ll never have to worry about) but we both hand phones over easily, and his isn’t passworded, which I SO appreciate. I should ask if he cares that mine is (for work reasons).
I would be uncomfortable (very) with what you describe.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this, @Jay77.
What does his wife think about it? Is she in the dark? I know you probably don’t have the answer to that. The question is, does your spouse know the answer? Do you drop into his wife’s DMs and ask her? Okay, that’s more of a more malicious thought and doesn’t solve your marriage issue. But still…
Chris, That is a great question. Im sure he didn’t volunteer more than them just being friends.
She knows I know now as we had an unfinished arguement about it a couple months ago. We need to finish this talk soon.
Yes, that was the exact phrasing of the last two texts. That one is hard to forget.
We both have the same PIN to our phones, so no mystery there. For work mine has always needed one, so that was a good compromise. We’ll share phones here and there but doesnt mean she doesnt delete stuff.
IDK man, this makes a LOT of logical sense to me - I just think you don’t want it to (understandably).
Sincerely, you should start looking for a lawyer and get mentally prepared for what’s about to happen.
You will be okay, your life will go on without her, and there are other women who deserve you more than she does. Ones that won’t be chatting up their exes like it’s no big deal. That shit is outright disrespectful for either side to be doing.
Have you actually expressed these worries, or skirted around them because you thought you were being overbearing? Like, “honey. explain to me how I should feel comfortable with [list the things]. Because they feel really ominous.”
Why didn’t the argument finish?
Yeah, unfortunately, this. Or hold her feet to the fire so she can explain and/or make decisions.
There are all sorts of articles and surveys and “Top 10” lists about the reasons for divorce, but I think the greatest issue, which touches all the others, is poor communication. People afraid of saying what they want or don’t want (boundaries) or fighting to win rather than understand. If the marriage appears to be on the rocks regardless, be completely honest. Here’s something that outlines how - it’s probably geared toward women, but it’s the right stuff nonetheless.
DEAR MAN (From DBT Workbook)
Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.
Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying “No” clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.
Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need.
Mindful keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic. Speak like a “Broken record.” Keep asking for what you want. Or say “No” and express your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again. Ignore attacks. If the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.
Appear confident, effective, and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating.
Negotiate be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.
Given our location here, I thought I should edit to clarify that “dear man” represents the starting letters of the steps outlined. It’s just a blueprint for effective communication, not a letter to a man, lol.
We might disagree here, but I see no coming back from this.
Maybe OP is nicer (read: more gullible) than me, but if I found an emotional affair (particularly with a past lover), I’d be sending her on a one way trip to stay there with him. I genuinely do not see any coming back from this
OP, I don’t give unsolicited advice. However I do talk about ideas, options, and observations.
I’m not sure, but it seems like you are underestimating your own strength and options. You can possibly salvage the situation by simply having a discussion and request she stops texting him and explain how it is completely uncalled for. If you unfortunately find out that something naughty is brewing, an emotional affair, and want to rectify the situation, you can demand she stops it, or else the marriage will head in the wrong direction; shape up or ship out! That’s if you are someone who can tolerate an instance of emotional cheating. Some men won’t.
You know, you’re also allowed to call him, ask why he’s talking to your women, tell him it’s insane, and demand that he stops. No threats needed. This likely would put a stop to things quickly, as he will realize it’s not a game, and in the process you could find out where she stands. Don’t be surprised either way; a woman might leave a man after him taking such a stand and being found out, or she might even gain more respect for him and shape up, never to repeat such activity. She also might want sex shortly after such a stand too.
I think many of us, men and women alike, have to learn assertiveness and boundaries. That is the next step for OP, I would think. I don’t know that he’s got his information about what’s happened really organized, because I don’t think he’s addressed this head-on yet. So:
Brick’s response seems right, with a decision as to what is to be done to follow.
I don’t know about calling the guy, but I’m female, so.
