I’m trying to get some legit feedback on if it’s “right” for a spouse to still have regular contact with a former partner that they were both in-love with and intimate with. I’ve listened to female relationship coaches and some other people, and they’ve said “no.” I’m curious about getting a more public opinion.
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If I didn’t trust my spouse enough to be able to maintain a friendship with a former lover and still remain faithful to me, I would not have picked her as my spouse in the first place.
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I have casual social contact with some formers .
We don’t go out of our way to meet up, but as part of being in the same peer group as when we met.
So, what kind of contact is it? Casual bump into here & there, or setting aside time for a private/intimate meet up?
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I don’t think I’d love it, but I’m a female relationship coach type, which may explain that.
On the other hand, I have no question about my spouse’s fidelity, so if he had a relationship of that sort maybe I would feel as T3hPwn does.
Also, doesn’t it depend what kind of relationship the spouse is maintaining? Occasional emails/texts? Comes to our parties with their own current flame? Or he goes out for drinks with her sometimes? Edit: or what @SkyzykS said.
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It’s not a right or wrong question.
It’s individual. What rules and boundaries were agreed to at the beginning of the relationship.
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It is an individual choice. What do you prefer for yourself?
For me: absolutely no!
And that’s a no while trusting my wife 
and us understanding that infidelity is grounds for divorce. So my no has nothing to do with “being insecure”.
What does the contact you speak of entail? A phone call here and there? A meetup? Why exactly does a spouse want to be friends with this person? What can s/he get from such a friendship?
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I guess I would wonder that, too, and would feel uncomfortable doing that to mine.
When I met my current husband I was friendly with my ex-husband, the father of my kids. He lived out of town and was coming to visit, and I’d offered that he could stay in my spare bedroom. Before the planned trip, things with my current husband progressed to the point that I would not have felt right hosting an ex overnight, so the plan became that I would let the ex stay at my place and I would stay with my now-husband.
My ex stopped being a threat the moment I realized that it would never, ever be fixable with him, and let myself declare “done.” (Him, leading up to this moment: “I just want to be left alone.” From me, from the kids, from the pets, from the house that needed to be sold; everything, though I made him take the dog because I was overwhelmed. So I’ve never seen it as me leaving, but rather as finally declaring “uncle.”) Anyway, he was no threat, but it still didn’t seem fair or right to be there with him.
Which may be why my husband and I trust each other. We prioritize one another’s comfort along with our own.
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They don’t have kids together or anything like that. If that were the case I’d be understanding to that situation.
She’s had other guy friends that she’s been with that I know of, I thought this guy was the same situation. I later found out that she actually loved him, when at first she told me he was just a “friend” that she would hook-up with. Lie 1. Later I confronted her about it and she said she loved him in high school. He went to high school in a different state. Lie 2. There’s been other things here and there that I found out, in-addition to one of her best friends telling me the truth.
Now I feel like she’s dishonest about her feelings for him. I never loved the fact that they talked but I’m definitely not a fan now.
If the ex is useful to both of you guys, why not?
Never a bad idea to have another tool in your arsenal
Otherwise, it depends on how you feel
Just go over and beat the shit out of him.
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Seems like these two should be more concerning than whether she hangs out with some exes. “My girlfriend lies to me about her relationships with other men. What should I do?”
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If it were someone with whom she shared a child, then contact is inevitable. Other than that, I don’t know, this seems like a very modern American question. What would your grandfather think?
EDIT: by modern American I mean effeminate (because the word I would normally use is not acceptable any longer).
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Can you provide an example or such a person’s usefulness?
Same.
If I think about it from the other way around, I know she trusts me, but what need do I have to maintain (as in, put some amount, however small, of time and effort) a relationship with a person who I decided I no longer wanted to be with? If I call it quits with one woman and start something with someone else, why would I ever need the previous woman around? I don’t need to hate her, and I can be friendly if we run into each other, but I can’t think of a single reason why I’d ever have to put any work into keeping any kind of relationship going with them.
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Though I don’t advise that, and I assume you’re joking, making advances on another man’s woman is damn nervy, ex-“lovers“ or not, and in more sane times, was done at one’s peril.
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Yup.
Let’s cut the crap here: what is spoken about here, in nearly all cases, is because they are longing for one another, or want to have sex. End of story.
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I’m of the belief that once you’ve been with someone where apparent “love” was involved then out of respect for your current partner you simply shouldn’t speak to them unless out of necessities and niceties. Nobody should have to cut somebody out entirely, and I know social circles can mix which is fine… but actively pursuing a friendship is bollocks. There are 8 billion people on the planet, I’ve never felt the need to feed friendships with an ex whilst with someone else.
All it serves is to make someone uncomfortable, and if it’s a relationship you care about you’d happily stop feeding a friendship with an ex-lover without even needing to think about it. She might say its controlling or that you’re insecure, but if the shoe was on the other foot and she liked you as much as you like her, she would have exactly the same feelings.
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All depends on how well you trust your spouse
Right.
I’ve also noticed a pattern amongst those who actively seek relation—ahem, friendships— with “exes”.
Common features:
- A litany of exes, starting at a very young age, like as early as thirteen years old. That is, never a time in which there was no boyfriend, or as my retired therapist put it, boyfriends dujour. This includes sex at an early age.
- Excessive socializing with males from a young age. A woman who was always peculiarly around men. Hence, “All my friends are guys.”
- The desire for thrills in a relationship, not just the pragmatic elements. Examples: “I want a guy who is funny,” “He’s a good guy but he’s not like Joey.”
- Alpha widowing.
So these are red flags I associate with people who seek such relations.
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Honestly I can’t. I was just always taught to not get rid of contacts unless they hurt me
With that said, the lying is concerning. It either signals she has lingering feelings or that she doesn’t trust him enough to disclose info
Nearly all my friends in undergrad were men. I had female friends when I was younger bc my parents were friends with their friends. I’m not promiscuous or attention seeking by any stretch of the imagination, it’s just been very hard to make and stay friends with women for some reason