[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
In other Penelope Pitstop news, I called a guy to schedule a first appointment yesterday, and we got on the topic of names (I was asking what he prefers). Anyway, we were on the phone for maybe five minutes at most, and at the end he announced me funny in a delighted way that made my eyes widen in terror, because having newly discovered that I’m some sort of femme fatale for Men With Issues, I’m freaked out that my regular me will be problematic in a therapy context.
I had dinner with my best friend last night and she first suggested that I develop some boundaries, but what, I’m not going to be enjoyable to talk to and still somehow do the work? I’ll just sit there flatly to prevent middle-aged male clients from liking me? Then she said I should wear a wedding ring at work to set a visual boundary and then not worry if they develop a little crush. But that seems weird and dishonest to me.
We were rolling over the idea that I could explain that my private caseload is full currently (ex-boyfriend, Tim, popped up in email yesterday morning, probably drunk Wednesday night when he sent them, still don’t feel clear of the hunter yet, and of course ex-husband is still in the picture platonically) and so I’m not currently accepting boyfriends.
It’s funny, but sort of - not. [/quote]
Meh, this won’t be a problem once you start delving into the issues, assuming that you are the professional that I think you are.
Talking about names and talking about horrible life events are 2 very different things, and you will automatically put up the necessary boundaries anyway.
Being fun and being a good therapist aren’t mutually exclusive, right?
[/quote]
Correct. I’m told, and I can sense, that I"m very good at what I do. This is just all new to me, both the men and the issues facing older adults. Women of any age are fine for me, and I had a couple of men in their twenties in yesterday and that’s comfy, too. Old men, I’m guessing no problem.
Talking during dinner the other night it became really clear to me, I think for the first time, the extent to which I’ve shielded myself from men, which is how I’ve reached my 40s and find myself in this absurd state of incompetence.
I was a really nerdy kid. Awkward hair, crooked glasses, the works. I wasn’t an early dater, and puberty started late for me. Around late 15 I changed - suddenly body rocked, got a slight grip on my hair, and lost my glasses in a friend’s yard. By then my family had really fallen apart and by 16 I was becoming feral, ultimately running away and crossing the country. Boys and men started becoming ominous, as they do with vulnerable girls. After all, I was hanging out with at-risk boys. And men in their twenties and thirties can be some creepy ass fuckers when they think they’d spotted a victim. I was able to keep myself safe by developing coping skills that I wasn’t even aware I’d developed, such as invisibility, conflict avoidance, probably whatever it is that bonds protective men quickly to me. It wasn’t long before my mother determined that perhaps I was better off with her than my father, and I resumed a more typical life.
Meanwhile, my social skills with everyone but men I perceived as potential threats were developing madly. I remember a conversation in here several years ago, with maybe Neph and Uncle Gabby, about flirting and I said I didn’t do it. At all. If I was in line at a Starbucks I would chat with anyone near me, except men in a potential sexual/romantic age range. I said and thought it was because I was married and didn’t want to suggest things I didn’t mean. Until now almost all of my adult jobs have been working with women and children (an exception being the gym where I met my ex-husband) and my coworkers have been largely female.
Anyway, now I’m letting the coping skills go and it all seems weird and vaguely anxiety-producing. I’ve known forever that my SMV has been higher when I meet guys in a group setting that’s comfortable for me, I assumed because my personality offered compensation for my looks. Now I realize that was the only context within which I interacted normally, until professional development had me working increasingly with men in my demographic as team members. But that’s not intimate. Dating and therapy are.
It’ll be okay. I’m not going to wear a ring, because although that might be easier in the short term it’s ultimately self-defeating. For one thing, I would like to meet someone (not a patient, though, lol) and for another, I’ve been able to tell 100 kids and grandmas that I can’t accept cookies/coffees/shepherd’s pie and various other gifts and invitations to birthday parties and weddings and such. (I did take the Anne of Green Gables ornament from the librarian’s kid, because I was as excited about their pilgrimage to PEI as they were, which is why they brought it back for me.) So it’s not like I can’t express appropriate refusal.
[/quote]
I always enjoy and am impressed with your insight and honesty regarding yourself.
You can’t help but be a good woman.[/quote]
Well, it seems like she has been hifing in LTRs in order to avoid facing the SMP:
What is more troubling is that she attracts immature men.
If water seeks its own level that indicates that she has a lot to work on. [/quote]
Also, this. I’m not sure it’s fair. In fact, I believe it is not.
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What possible reason have I for WANTING the SMP, if by that you’re saying sexual marketplace? Have I somehow missed out? On what? The “cock carousel”? It’s like saying someone’s been hiding behind a glass of wine in order to avoid tequila shot games. I’d much rather the wine.
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Do I? I will certainly grant that the hunter was childish as hell, but I pulled away as soon as I got to know him The smart guy isn’t immature. He made the one stupid comment, but I don’t think it reflected much of anything. That didn’t work for other reasons - namely that I didn’t feel attracted to him, and also my sense was that he would ultimately seek to install me in his bed and kitchen as a convenience for when he’s home, which is rarely. I think that would work well for some women. Not me.
You know about the shortcomings (insecurities/immaturities) of my two long term relationships because I’ve opened them to you. I suspect if you met either of them you would regard them well. Ex-husband multilingual, world traveled, has built a successful business, plays a couple of instruments by ear, has a basement full of kickboxing and tennis trophies. The ex-boyfriend has a master’s degree and was on the faculty of a well regarded university before taking up his most recent work. That he was terminated had in part to do with his lack of awareness of local politics and even more to do with the place. He was the 5th in ten years. That’s not him, though he did stupid stuff.
So I don’t know that my choices reflected immaturity. However, you’re right in that water finds its level, and so did I. The ex-husband has a great deal of difficulty with intimacy. He’s pretty asperger-y. When I met him there were all sorts of things I didn’t want to talk about, and he never asked. It’s hard to call a two decarde relationship a failure, though, no? We spoke for nearly an hour last night, catching up. Does that really suggest immaturity on either of our parts?
Ex-boyfriend was also my level. Restless, exciting, funny, and able to engage in both physical and emotional intimacy, which were all the things I wanted and needed at the time. Flawed, yes, and he hurt me, but I still miss him and I know he misses me, so also a success in many ways. That I am perfect for men who need propping and help containing themselves is a given. But that I attract immature men is an over simplification.
- As for my own immaturity, I again disagree. Inexperienced and immature are not the same thing. Before I turned 17 I’d dropped out of school, hobnobbed with old school hobos, been hungry enough to steal food, spent a week at the holidays in a locked drug rehab place where guys were tweaking while I sat across the room buried in Shogun, become a live-in maid for absurdly wealthy people, and then returned to start college, still age 16. And during all of this managed to both keep myself safe and feel I was having an excellent adventure.
Granted, separating physical reactions from emotional ones when becoming involved with men, and not falling too quickly into something that’s not good (the propping and containing thing I no longer wish to do), is a challenge for me. That might suggest immaturity and the need to work on things - but the mature news is that I am the one who identified the issue and AM seeking to understand it, which suggests, IMO, otherwise. And look - I’ve cut both of the last two loose quickly, because they aren’t right for me.
What is YOUR excuse for remaining stuck in the same pattern, orion?
