[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
In other Penelope Pitstop news, I called a guy to schedule a first appointment yesterday, and we got on the topic of names (I was asking what he prefers). Anyway, we were on the phone for maybe five minutes at most, and at the end he announced me funny in a delighted way that made my eyes widen in terror, because having newly discovered that I’m some sort of femme fatale for Men With Issues, I’m freaked out that my regular me will be problematic in a therapy context.
I had dinner with my best friend last night and she first suggested that I develop some boundaries, but what, I’m not going to be enjoyable to talk to and still somehow do the work? I’ll just sit there flatly to prevent middle-aged male clients from liking me? Then she said I should wear a wedding ring at work to set a visual boundary and then not worry if they develop a little crush. But that seems weird and dishonest to me.
We were rolling over the idea that I could explain that my private caseload is full currently (ex-boyfriend, Tim, popped up in email yesterday morning, probably drunk Wednesday night when he sent them, still don’t feel clear of the hunter yet, and of course ex-husband is still in the picture platonically) and so I’m not currently accepting boyfriends.
It’s funny, but sort of - not. [/quote]
Meh, this won’t be a problem once you start delving into the issues, assuming that you are the professional that I think you are.
Talking about names and talking about horrible life events are 2 very different things, and you will automatically put up the necessary boundaries anyway.
Being fun and being a good therapist aren’t mutually exclusive, right?
[/quote]
Correct. I’m told, and I can sense, that I"m very good at what I do. This is just all new to me, both the men and the issues facing older adults. Women of any age are fine for me, and I had a couple of men in their twenties in yesterday and that’s comfy, too. Old men, I’m guessing no problem.
Talking during dinner the other night it became really clear to me, I think for the first time, the extent to which I’ve shielded myself from men, which is how I’ve reached my 40s and find myself in this absurd state of incompetence.
I was a really nerdy kid. Awkward hair, crooked glasses, the works. I wasn’t an early dater, and puberty started late for me. Around late 15 I changed - suddenly body rocked, got a slight grip on my hair, and lost my glasses in a friend’s yard. By then my family had really fallen apart and by 16 I was becoming feral, ultimately running away and crossing the country. Boys and men started becoming ominous, as they do with vulnerable girls. After all, I was hanging out with at-risk boys. And men in their twenties and thirties can be some creepy ass fuckers when they think they’d spotted a victim. I was able to keep myself safe by developing coping skills that I wasn’t even aware I’d developed, such as invisibility, conflict avoidance, probably whatever it is that bonds protective men quickly to me. It wasn’t long before my mother determined that perhaps I was better off with her than my father, and I resumed a more typical life.
Meanwhile, my social skills with everyone but men I perceived as potential threats were developing madly. I remember a conversation in here several years ago, with maybe Neph and Uncle Gabby, about flirting and I said I didn’t do it. At all. If I was in line at a Starbucks I would chat with anyone near me, except men in a potential sexual/romantic age range. I said and thought it was because I was married and didn’t want to suggest things I didn’t mean. Until now almost all of my adult jobs have been working with women and children (an exception being the gym where I met my ex-husband) and my coworkers have been largely female.
Anyway, now I’m letting the coping skills go and it all seems weird and vaguely anxiety-producing. I’ve known forever that my SMV has been higher when I meet guys in a group setting that’s comfortable for me, I assumed because my personality offered compensation for my looks. Now I realize that was the only context within which I interacted normally, until professional development had me working increasingly with men in my demographic as team members. But that’s not intimate. Dating and therapy are.
It’ll be okay. I’m not going to wear a ring, because although that might be easier in the short term it’s ultimately self-defeating. For one thing, I would like to meet someone (not a patient, though, lol) and for another, I’ve been able to tell 100 kids and grandmas that I can’t accept cookies/coffees/shepherd’s pie and various other gifts and invitations to birthday parties and weddings and such. (I did take the Anne of Green Gables ornament from the librarian’s kid, because I was as excited about their pilgrimage to PEI as they were, which is why they brought it back for me.) So it’s not like I can’t express appropriate refusal.