What?
[quote]Such penetrating questions really do demand a thread of their own.
Thank you.[/quote]
Can I really?
Night all. I hope you process your feelings well.
[quote]Der_Steppenwolfe wrote:
I hope so. I’m still a git, though, and I’d like to know:
Does anybody want a stone sculpture with Mark Rippetoe’s ‘A’ and ‘B’ workouts and simple instructions for carrying out the program carved into its face? I’m not in the business of making stuff on a speculative basis any more and I need a show of hands before I proceed.
Also:
Can Jamie Lewis in fact go fuck himself? He seems really nasty and egotistical. It’s a serious question. I mean, I’d never want to hang out with him, because I’m scared of him, but I’d like to know if I should keep reading his stuff.[/quote]
I processed long and hard over this and decided that the answer to both questions is no.
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Ha! Well, Chuck E’s best friend was considerably less sold on the whole thing. Not because she doubts Hockey in any way, but because she’s worried that I’m “doing that thing again” where I only see the good things and if I notice bad, brush it away. I may have mentioned in here 70 or 80 times, and I mentioned it to her last night, that I would have broken up with Tim long before I did if she hadn’t been doing the exact same thing (“But I LIKE him, Emily. You like him, too!”).
Even last night I had to run down the list of absolute deal-breakers (some of which I haven’t talked about in here) to pull her away from the idea that there is or should be a romantic spark remaining there. She and I have a similar tendency to recognize red flags, but then lose focus on them in favor of positives. Which is why we’re similarly good at strengths-based work.
Still, the only red flag I’ve noted with Hockey (and am still exploring) is the physical piece, and wondering do we suit there. That’ll take time, but happily exploration of the matter is pleasant.
So Chuck E is in tentative strong like. Hero worship is present, but that’s infatuation, not love, unless it’s sustainable. Hockey seems to be right there with me, which is helpful, obviously.
[/quote]
Yeah, I was torn between “Are you doing that thing again???” and teasing you with Chuck E.
I decided to let you enjoy your euphoria. :-)[/quote]
I’m trying hard not to do that again. I’m hoping it won’t happen because it’s now an identified issue and I’m generally pretty good about changing maladaptive patterns. And let’s not forget that I’ve dropped a lot of men like hot potatoes when I’ve noticed something off.
But we’ll see what happens once (if) I get securely attached. That’s the test. [/quote]
FWIW, I do think that you’ve done a good job so far this time.
PS: Let’s also not forget that idealization of one’s partner is also a legitimate part of what makes commitment that is resistant to rough times possible. [/quote]
I agree, and have no desire to limit my capacity for devotion, just to find the right person and then express adoration to my heart’s content.
I get to do that at work (like people unreservedly) and I have friends worthy of devotion. I just need this last piece. It’ll happen eventually.
[quote]Der_Steppenwolfe wrote:
Can Jamie Lewis in fact go fuck himself? He seems really nasty and egotistical. It’s a serious question. I mean, I’d never want to hang out with him, because I’m scared of him, but I’d like to know if I should keep reading his stuff.[/quote]
There’s lots of good stuff in his blog, if you can get past his bloviating and death metal album reviews. fwiw, he’s bi too so maybe you can find some additional wisdom in his words.
Thanks- money is, once again, very very difficult now and emotional progress is rearing its ugly head. I’d much rather people were honest.
What feelings are actually appropriate for submission anyway? A fair number of people I’ve known have ended up in prison recently, and while I’m in no real danger of heading that way myself, I’d like to keep it that way. My sex life, my activities online and the way I treat those close to me are separate spheres, for very good reasons. I can’t be expected to maintain neutrality all the time when I’m constantly being pulled in opposite directions by two equally destructive people though!
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
He smells really good.
[/quote]
Every time with you women… So weird.[/quote]
It’s not a very big study and I have no idea if it’s been repeated, but this is interesting.
I’m with you about smell. It’s not his soap or any skin product, but The Mister just smells really good. I love to snuggle my face right below his ear. I think this would be a big drawback with people meeting on the web. They’d need to pass the sniff test. Honestly, when I was dating this was a thing for me. Some men just don’t smell right.
Changing topics…
Emily, I didn’t want to take up more of Spock’s thread taking about clothes, but you mentioned age and skirt lengths. I’m with you, I think. Since I’m short, I can pull off shorter lengths without looking too risque, but I’m starting to feel more comfortable with lengths that come to about my knee, or just above. I don’t like to look like “older gal, trying too hard”, or “older gal, needs to stay out of her daughter’s closet.” I have a teenage son, and I don’t need his friends saying “wow your mom” either. 
Funny, when I was in my teens and 20’s I was more modest, with lots of my skirts coming down to mid-calf. Remember the Laura Ashley look? Then I think the climate and beach culture here in Ca had an impact. - It’s been in the 80’s here this week, and during the summer you see lots of swimsuits everywhere - along with other factors that influenced me. And spending way more time in exercise clothes made me more comfortable showing more skin. Still, if I’m going to show more leg, I’ll always cover my arms and wear a higher cut top. And if I wear a lower cut blouse or sundress, I tend to cover my thighs, and/or wear a sweater that covers my shoulders. I think that’s a key to dressing ladylike, If you are going to expose a little leg, cover your top and vice versa.
I haven’t been following, but this Hockey sounds nice. Exciting!
Edited [/quote]
Okay, back to this - I think spending so much time in workout clothes has definitely reduced my bashfulness about skin. I rarely wear low-cut tops, though sometimes, but for some reason I’m very comfortable with my legs showing, within reason. Mostly I’m going for a look that’s appealing and makes me seem accessible, sporty, and casually sexy rather than overtly sexual. It’s important to me that other women like me. I guess that’s how I gauge whether I’m okay or not rather than any particular rule of thumb about dress. As long as women along the socioeconomic spectrum feel comfortable with me, I feel I’m managing to keep myself within bounds. If men find me appealing, too, then I’ve hit the sweet spot.[/quote]
Yes. And sorry it took me so long to respond. Busy long weekend with kids.
About low-cut tops, build really matters. This top would look a lot more revealing on Sophia Vergara, from Modern Familly. For people with my build, it’s more about collar bones. She looks so soft and feminine, it makes me wish I had a place to wear a full tulle skirt.
You mentioned the socioeconomic spectrum. When I go back to my hometown there is a lot of poverty and obesity. It’s always a shock when I’ve been away for awhile. Boxy t-shirts and sad jeans are the uniform. I find women in unisex clothes depressing. Not to mention, you start to think about all the diabetes. We would both stand out there, regardless of clothes. Your leanness would get attention. Being lean in a skirt or dress for sure. Here in SoCal near the coast, there are fit women who take care of themselves everywhere. It’s largely socioeconomic.
OK, I will stop hijacking your thread now. Nice to talk some girl talk with you!
I want to share!
Why “THE ONE”?
I have been married for 20 years. She Say is “THE ONE”. I hope to die first so I don’t have to deal with life without her.
If for some reason she left my life I can’t imagine finding another “THE ONE”.
And to be honest…I wouldn’t want to.
Been there done that.
I’ve been thinking about this for some time, but haven’t bothered to take the time to write it down. She Say is out of town for the next couple of days so I have some free time. This to me is one reason I would not want to replace THE ONE.
Maybe this would be more coherent if I used bullet points
When you re-find THE ONE you:
-
Lose all your free time. I’m really, really happy just sitting and talking with She Say. Most of my free time is spent just hanging out with her. Since she’s been away I have read a 300 page book all in one shot, played my guitar for an hour and had a relaxing dinner with Sen III and IV. Given the choice I would have preferred to spend that time just hanging out with her. It’s snowing here so we probably would have been cooking up a storm and having some drinks. Dinner would have been elaborate and probably 2-3 hours would have been spent cooking with her. This would have been a great day also, but without THE ONE I’m free to do whatever I want.
-
Lose your ability to do things THE ONE doesn’t want to do with members of the opposite gender. She Say doesn’t like to dance. I would like to take dance lessons. I can’t do this with a guy. She Say doesn’t like classical music concerts or heavy metal, or some jazz, etc…I would like to go to more concerts…I could go with a dude, or by myself, but given the choice I like hanging out with women.
-
Lose your ability to have sex with other people. Self explanatory.
In my musings I believe I would want like 4-6 steady girlfriends…actually now that I’m thinking it through 7 would probably be perfect…one for each day of the week… I’d want 1 interested in theater…not as in wanting to be an actress, but just one that would want to go to a play with me once a month or so…I’d want 1 interested in food, fine dining, dives, all kinds of food, cooking, eating, drinking…1 interested in dancing…1 interested in singing or playing in a band, so we could do a show together like once a month…1 that was passionate about reading and literature and poetry…1 that was a complete nymphomaniac and just really, really wanted to fuck…1 that really loved to plan trips and travel…I’m pretty sure I could arrange my schedule so that I’d have a date 3 or 4 nights a week…I’m not opposed to 1 woman serving a dual role…maybe the theater buff loves to dance…maybe they all really, really love to fuck (who knows I could get lucky!)…but my experience has been that my interests, hobbies and activities are more diverse than just one woman (or human) would be really interested in…this goes for She Say…I know, for example, she’d enjoy someone more interested in politics…I make an effort to talk politics with her, but it is an effort.
I’ve watched one of my relatives go through a divorce and then re-marry and divorce again and now he’s shacked up with another woman. This is really what gets me thinking, “Why THE ONE?”
Anyway…what would I be giving up by trying to create a life where I had THE SEVEN rather than THE ONE? I guess the most obvious thing is I wouldn’t have one person to commit myself to and be committed to. Like I said, I’ve already had that. I’ve loved deeply and been loved deeply. Sacrificed, had sacrifices made. Nurtured through sickness, gave birth with, raised children, buried parents.
One other thought I’ve had is it could be strange at Holiday time.
Thoughts?
[quote]sen say wrote:
Thoughts?
[/quote]
I think you’re a madman.
Wait, what’d She Say?
[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
He smells really good.
[/quote]
Every time with you women… So weird.[/quote]
It’s not a very big study and I have no idea if it’s been repeated, but this is interesting.
I’m with you about smell. It’s not his soap or any skin product, but The Mister just smells really good. I love to snuggle my face right below his ear. I think this would be a big drawback with people meeting on the web. They’d need to pass the sniff test. Honestly, when I was dating this was a thing for me. Some men just don’t smell right.
Changing topics…
Emily, I didn’t want to take up more of Spock’s thread taking about clothes, but you mentioned age and skirt lengths. I’m with you, I think. Since I’m short, I can pull off shorter lengths without looking too risque, but I’m starting to feel more comfortable with lengths that come to about my knee, or just above. I don’t like to look like “older gal, trying too hard”, or “older gal, needs to stay out of her daughter’s closet.” I have a teenage son, and I don’t need his friends saying “wow your mom” either.
Funny, when I was in my teens and 20’s I was more modest, with lots of my skirts coming down to mid-calf. Remember the Laura Ashley look? Then I think the climate and beach culture here in Ca had an impact. - It’s been in the 80’s here this week, and during the summer you see lots of swimsuits everywhere - along with other factors that influenced me. And spending way more time in exercise clothes made me more comfortable showing more skin. Still, if I’m going to show more leg, I’ll always cover my arms and wear a higher cut top. And if I wear a lower cut blouse or sundress, I tend to cover my thighs, and/or wear a sweater that covers my shoulders. I think that’s a key to dressing ladylike, If you are going to expose a little leg, cover your top and vice versa.
I haven’t been following, but this Hockey sounds nice. Exciting!
Edited [/quote]
Okay, back to this - I think spending so much time in workout clothes has definitely reduced my bashfulness about skin. I rarely wear low-cut tops, though sometimes, but for some reason I’m very comfortable with my legs showing, within reason. Mostly I’m going for a look that’s appealing and makes me seem accessible, sporty, and casually sexy rather than overtly sexual. It’s important to me that other women like me. I guess that’s how I gauge whether I’m okay or not rather than any particular rule of thumb about dress. As long as women along the socioeconomic spectrum feel comfortable with me, I feel I’m managing to keep myself within bounds. If men find me appealing, too, then I’ve hit the sweet spot.[/quote]
Yes. And sorry it took me so long to respond. Busy long weekend with kids.
About low-cut tops, build really matters. This top would look a lot more revealing on Sophia Vergara, from Modern Familly. For people with my build, it’s more about collar bones. She looks so soft and feminine, it makes me wish I had a place to wear a full tulle skirt.
You mentioned the socioeconomic spectrum. When I go back to my hometown there is a lot of poverty and obesity. It’s always a shock when I’ve been away for awhile. Boxy t-shirts and sad jeans are the uniform. I find women in unisex clothes depressing. Not to mention, you start to think about all the diabetes. We would both stand out there, regardless of clothes. Your leanness would get attention. Being lean in a skirt or dress for sure. Here in SoCal near the coast, there are fit women who take care of themselves everywhere. It’s largely socioeconomic.
OK, I will stop hijacking your thread now. Nice to talk some girl talk with you!
[/quote]
How can you hijack a thread about nothing?
I’m lucky to live in a place with a lot of diversity of class and style because it allows me the same. I don’t hesitate to go to the grocery store post-workout, can dress like a carpenter if I feel like it, and can wear feminine clothes to my heart’s content. Mine is a changeable enough nature that I like being able to dress according to mood. Living in Dallas-Fort Worth I found it wearying that people in my social circle seemed to need to be fully made up and hair-sprayed to engage in fitness walking around the neighborhood. I like to be able to ponytail up and go play.
Weight where I am definitely correlates strongly with poverty, although there are different types of overweight. More affluent people seems to e healthier regardless of weight (within reason). Same with thin - there’s a dusty, underfed, over-lived quality to thin people who’ve been chronically poor.
WTF did I just read?
[quote]sen say wrote:
I want to share!
Why “THE ONE”?
I have been married for 20 years. She Say is “THE ONE”. I hope to die first so I don’t have to deal with life without her.
If for some reason she left my life I can’t imagine finding another “THE ONE”.
And to be honest…I wouldn’t want to.
Been there done that.
I’ve been thinking about this for some time, but haven’t bothered to take the time to write it down. She Say is out of town for the next couple of days so I have some free time. This to me is one reason I would not want to replace THE ONE.
Maybe this would be more coherent if I used bullet points
When you re-find THE ONE you:
-
Lose all your free time. I’m really, really happy just sitting and talking with She Say. Most of my free time is spent just hanging out with her. Since she’s been away I have read a 300 page book all in one shot, played my guitar for an hour and had a relaxing dinner with Sen III and IV. Given the choice I would have preferred to spend that time just hanging out with her. It’s snowing here so we probably would have been cooking up a storm and having some drinks. Dinner would have been elaborate and probably 2-3 hours would have been spent cooking with her. This would have been a great day also, but without THE ONE I’m free to do whatever I want.
-
Lose your ability to do things THE ONE doesn’t want to do with members of the opposite gender. She Say doesn’t like to dance. I would like to take dance lessons. I can’t do this with a guy. She Say doesn’t like classical music concerts or heavy metal, or some jazz, etc…I would like to go to more concerts…I could go with a dude, or by myself, but given the choice I like hanging out with women.
-
Lose your ability to have sex with other people. Self explanatory.
In my musings I believe I would want like 4-6 steady girlfriends…actually now that I’m thinking it through 7 would probably be perfect…one for each day of the week… I’d want 1 interested in theater…not as in wanting to be an actress, but just one that would want to go to a play with me once a month or so…I’d want 1 interested in food, fine dining, dives, all kinds of food, cooking, eating, drinking…1 interested in dancing…1 interested in singing or playing in a band, so we could do a show together like once a month…1 that was passionate about reading and literature and poetry…1 that was a complete nymphomaniac and just really, really wanted to fuck…1 that really loved to plan trips and travel…I’m pretty sure I could arrange my schedule so that I’d have a date 3 or 4 nights a week…I’m not opposed to 1 woman serving a dual role…maybe the theater buff loves to dance…maybe they all really, really love to fuck (who knows I could get lucky!)…but my experience has been that my interests, hobbies and activities are more diverse than just one woman (or human) would be really interested in…this goes for She Say…I know, for example, she’d enjoy someone more interested in politics…I make an effort to talk politics with her, but it is an effort.
I’ve watched one of my relatives go through a divorce and then re-marry and divorce again and now he’s shacked up with another woman. This is really what gets me thinking, “Why THE ONE?”
Anyway…what would I be giving up by trying to create a life where I had THE SEVEN rather than THE ONE? I guess the most obvious thing is I wouldn’t have one person to commit myself to and be committed to. Like I said, I’ve already had that. I’ve loved deeply and been loved deeply. Sacrificed, had sacrifices made. Nurtured through sickness, gave birth with, raised children, buried parents.
One other thought I’ve had is it could be strange at Holiday time.
Thoughts?
[/quote]
My thought, after having dated what seemed like 7 men in 7 days, is that it was fun (one guy designs beautiful timber structures, another has a specialty farm, the boring guy with the plane, etc, so lots of interesting things to talk about) but ultimately very shallow and strangely tiring. I suppose if you picked several and they were interested in maintaining intimate-but-limited relationships it would be okay, and that’s what the one libertine guy was looking for, but it’s not my cup of tea.
I like the depth of a shared history. I had what in retrospect seems like a pretty crappy marriage, but I valued it deeply for its sense of continuity. I’m glad we’re friends now so we can both access that part, since it was good. As you said, all the milestones of life, both hurts and joys, were shared and we had our own language and beloved familiar in-jokes.
I’d like all of that with someone who’s better suited to me, personality-wise.
An advantage I have, I suppose, is that I like doing stuff with women, too, so my friends can fill in whatever my (theoretical) partner lacks.
[quote]tsantos wrote:
WTF did I just read? [/quote]
I don’t know. Did it give you. . . feelings?
Help me process the concept of staying “friends with my ex”
Personally, when I end a relationship with someone it’s for a reason. Either a betrayal, a lie, “loss of spark”, lack of boundaries/low self esteem, etc… but whatever it is, FOR ME, it’s over. I don’t want to be friends with that person. I don’t want to “catch up with them” occasionally. I don’t want to do lunch. I used to try to keep them around for random hook ups, but eventually learned that it can get messy and bring drama/feelings, etc… so I quit doing that - after all, I have no problem meeting new chicks for random hook ups, but I digress…
Also, I’ve encountered a fairly popular trend of younger people staying friends with exes almost all of the time. I’m not talking “long term relationships” either. And even if they guys were assholes! For example:
Her: “so I talked to my friend Jeff”
Me: “cool, how do you guys know each other?”
Her: “Oh, he one my exes”
Me: “Really, why didn’t it work out with you guys?”
Her: “He kept cheating on me… and… he wrecked my car and didn’t pay for it”
Me: “Wow, he sounds like a real dick. Why do stay friends with someone like that?”
Her: “oh, I’m friends with all of my exes”
Me: “interesting… Gotta. Go.”
I just don’t get that concept. To me it clearly shows a lack of mature boundary function and probably low self esteem, coupled with a dose of neediness and blind, self indulgent humility. But SOOOO many people these days - especially the younger generation - just stay friends with all of their exes. That’s one reason I rarely dated women younger than 28 or so - seems like most of them have serious character flaws with being “friends with my exes” among other things. Boggles my little brain.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]tsantos wrote:
WTF did I just read? [/quote]
I don’t know. Did it give you. . . feelings?[/quote]
Is confusion a feeling?
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Help me process the concept of staying “friends with my ex”
[/quote]
I don’t get it…unless you got kids together…my relative cut all ties to his ex…did it with class on his part, but she went bat-shit crazy when he explained, “No, we’re not staying friends and no, there’s no chance we’ll get back together”…I think his kids might not have ended up so fucked up if he could have just smiled at her 3 or 4 times a year at graduations and stupid shit like that.