Let's Process Our Feelings

Off Topic
961

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
but ultimately very shallow and strangely tiring. [/quote]

I can see how this would be true.

I’ve been thinking of the Iron John book some mentioned. I believe the book states Ask first where you are going and then ask who is coming with you. My thought is I’d be more interested in what I was doing than who I was doing it with…I’d hope that along the way I’d make connections with like-minded souls (and vaginas)…

I guess one other problem with my scheme would be if someone came along that was willing to offer one of my harem more than I was commitment wise…I can just see some smug fucker stealing my theater-loving, nympho out from under me by promising a ring on her finger and grandkids. Effers!

962

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I suppose if you picked several and they were interested in maintaining intimate-but-limited relationships it would be okay, and that’s what the one libertine guy was looking for, but it’s not my cup of tea.
[/quote]

I got the impression your libertine was more interested in building a sexual coterie rather than interesting friends or the opposite gender with possibility for benefits…maybe I’m wrong…didn’t he just take you out to some bar and text that while he hadn’t had a threesome he’d like to? Sounded pretty creepy. Not like ol’ Senny…when I get the itch to take a pottery class you can bet the pottery will come first…then any interesting potting chicks I meet and then Senny last as he’s a gentleman…and one hell of a potter in the making.

963

[quote]sen say wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
but ultimately very shallow and strangely tiring. [/quote]

I can see how this would be true.

I’ve been thinking of the Iron John book some mentioned. I believe the book states Ask first where you are going and then ask who is coming with you. My thought is I’d be more interested in what I was doing than who I was doing it with…I’d hope that along the way I’d make connections with like-minded souls (and vaginas)…

I guess one other problem with my scheme would be if someone came along that was willing to offer one of my harem more than I was commitment wise…I can just see some smug fucker stealing my theater-loving, nympho out from under me by promising a ring on her finger and grandkids. Effers!

[/quote]

I don’t think you’d have to worry about that. As long as you are a high status guy and come correct with the dick, chicks will deal with just about ANYTHING. I actually had an arrangement just like you described: one chick was the good cook, one was the out-doorsey type, one was very sophisticated, And of course, the nympho (although sex was pretty good with all of them). The main issue I had with all that was time management. Holidays were very awkward. Some of them didn’t really, you know, actually “know” about the other ones… LOL

It was after that epic implosion of drama that I instituted my “absolute honesty” policy. But anyway, if you have the loot, status, time and desire, you can have as many women as you want. Just don’t knock any of them up…

964

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[if you have the loot, status, time and desire, you can have as many women as you want. Just don’t knock any of them up…[/quote]

That’s a big checkeroonie to the loot, status, time and desire…i’m Sen Say ffs!

Knocking up not an option…snipped these past 14 years…ai yi yi…just realized it’s been 14 years…wow…

AC when we hooking up for lunch in DC amigo !?!?

965

[quote]sen say wrote:

Thoughts?

[/quote]

I would stick to 2-3.

7 sounds like a lot of work.

966

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Help me process the concept of staying “friends with my ex”

[/quote]

I have a hypothesis on this. More like social bro-science, but here goes.

A lot of women don’t have their own social circle outside of family. They enter one by starting a relationship with a man who is part of one and are then part of it. When they break up or what ever, instead of leaving that circle the woman then stays part of it, maybe tapping it for other partners or drifting away at will but maintaining access via “friends with ex”.

I have a couple of ex’s I’m still friends with but not on an actively keeping in touch basis. They’re part of the 12 step stuff which creates a somewhat inextricable link. Last week I was seated between them which happens often enough. We all exchanged glances and niceties then kind of laughed at the arrangement. Another guy who has known me and knows my history through out looked over and laughed about it too. Later on he commented that there should be a sub-group for the women I’ve been with over the past 14 years or so (good natured joking), along with some talk about having to live with your history.

967

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Help me process the concept of staying “friends with my ex”

[/quote]

I have a hypothesis on this. More like social bro-science, but here goes.

[/quote]

Weak. Didn’t you see the Levy, Levy, Cophon study on this? Totally proves you need to oil up before maintaining any sort of friendship with an ex.

968

[quote]sen say wrote:

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[if you have the loot, status, time and desire, you can have as many women as you want. Just don’t knock any of them up…[/quote]

That’s a big checkeroonie to the loot, status, time and desire…i’m Sen Say ffs!

Knocking up not an option…snipped these past 14 years…ai yi yi…just realized it’s been 14 years…wow…

AC when we hooking up for lunch in DC amigo !?!?[/quote]

When it gets JUUUUUUST a bit warmer! LOL I’m definitely down for that. I live in Fairfax, by the way, if that’s closer…

969

[quote]angry chicken wrote:

When it gets JUUUUUUST a bit warmer! LOL I’m definitely down for that. I live in Fairfax, by the way, if that’s closer…[/quote]

I’m shoveling out right now…pretty cold, eh?

I hit DC once a month to get my hair cut on L Street…Black Rooster Pub or Mackeys is usually good for a burger and a beer…i thought you worked downtown?

970

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Help me process the concept of staying “friends with my ex”[/quote]

What if the conversation went like this:

Her: “so I talked to my friend Jeff”
Me: “cool, how do you guys know each other?”
Her: “Oh, he one my exes”
Me: “Really, why didn’t it work out with you guys?”
Her: “We got along great, but realized our long-term goals were very different. He wanted to raise a big family near his parent in NY, and I’m not interested in having kids and need my outdoor space to really feel grounded.”
Me: “Wow, he sounds like a decent enough guy.”
Her: “oh, he is. I’m just glad we realized it would never work between us.”
Me: “interesting…”

I think there’s this expectation that when a relationship fails, you have to come to the point where you hate the other person and curse the day you ever met. It goes back to the myth of THE ONE and how you’re supposed to meet that person who is THE ONE and if it doesn’t work out, you have to hate them for wasting your time and keeping you from meeting THE ONE who is out there somewhere.

I’ve got a couple gay acquaintances and I’m amazed at how they stay friendly with their exes. That’s not to say that their relationships don’t end badly, but maybe because the community is so small, they realize they can’t burn bridges every time a relationship doesn’t work out. And sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. It’s no ones fault, and the two just split up amicably.

971

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
It goes back to the myth of THE ONE
[/quote]

Just call me Tommy Bullfinch!

972

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Help me process the concept of staying “friends with my ex”

Personally, when I end a relationship with someone it’s for a reason. Either a betrayal, a lie, “loss of spark”, lack of boundaries/low self esteem, etc… but whatever it is, FOR ME, it’s over. I don’t want to be friends with that person. I don’t want to “catch up with them” occasionally. I don’t want to do lunch. I used to try to keep them around for random hook ups, but eventually learned that it can get messy and bring drama/feelings, etc… so I quit doing that - after all, I have no problem meeting new chicks for random hook ups, but I digress…

Also, I’ve encountered a fairly popular trend of younger people staying friends with exes almost all of the time. I’m not talking “long term relationships” either. And even if they guys were assholes! For example:

Her: “so I talked to my friend Jeff”
Me: “cool, how do you guys know each other?”
Her: “Oh, he one my exes”
Me: “Really, why didn’t it work out with you guys?”
Her: “He kept cheating on me… and… he wrecked my car and didn’t pay for it”
Me: “Wow, he sounds like a real dick. Why do stay friends with someone like that?”
Her: “oh, I’m friends with all of my exes”
Me: “interesting… Gotta. Go.”

I just don’t get that concept. To me it clearly shows a lack of mature boundary function and probably low self esteem, coupled with a dose of neediness and blind, self indulgent humility. But SOOOO many people these days - especially the younger generation - just stay friends with all of their exes. That’s one reason I rarely dated women younger than 28 or so - seems like most of them have serious character flaws with being “friends with my exes” among other things. Boggles my little brain.[/quote]

I would say that this can be turned on its head and looked at the other way. When I get together with someone it’s for a reason, and presumably that reason is significant enough to maintain me in the relationship for anywhere from 2 years to 2 decades. In the case of my ex-husband, we share a family. We’re friends beyond that because now that the pressure of shared finances, his uneven disposition, and sex are gone, what’s left is comfortable familiarity and a shared history. I don’t know that I could have become friends if he hadn’t taken responsibility for creating the conditions that forced the breakup, but he did. Even during our divorce process there were sweet, funny moments along with the flare-ups of recrimination.

There’s no chance of a return to the relationship, at least from my perspective. He feels to me like an extended family member. I’m probably still his best friend, but that’s because he doesn’t have any others and doesn’t know how to make them.

On the other hand, although I wish him well in conquering his demons, I’ll never be friends with the recent ex-boyfriend. I don’t trust him in any regard and have no desire to have any part in his life.

973

[quote]sen say wrote:

[quote]angry chicken wrote:

When it gets JUUUUUUST a bit warmer! LOL I’m definitely down for that. I live in Fairfax, by the way, if that’s closer…[/quote]

I’m shoveling out right now…pretty cold, eh?

I hit DC once a month to get my hair cut on L Street…Black Rooster Pub or Mackeys is usually good for a burger and a beer…i thought you worked downtown?[/quote]

I used to, but I’m managing about 25 MW of power (generators, MV switchgear, distribution, etc…) at a cluster of data centers in Manasshole these days. I have climbed the stairway to electrical heaven! LOL

974

[quote]sen say wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I suppose if you picked several and they were interested in maintaining intimate-but-limited relationships it would be okay, and that’s what the one libertine guy was looking for, but it’s not my cup of tea.
[/quote]

I got the impression your libertine was more interested in building a sexual coterie rather than interesting friends or the opposite gender with possibility for benefits…maybe I’m wrong…didn’t he just take you out to some bar and text that while he hadn’t had a threesome he’d like to? Sounded pretty creepy. Not like ol’ Senny…when I get the itch to take a pottery class you can bet the pottery will come first…then any interesting potting chicks I meet and then Senny last as he’s a gentleman…and one hell of a potter in the making.[/quote]

No, I was doing the online thing. He said he was looking for long term intimacy; “a fucking girlfriend.” I’m not sure he was sure what he wanted, honestly. When we met for lunch he asked what I thought (of him). I said I needed to think about it, let it settle a bit, and threw the question back at him. He spoke at some length about his thoughts while peeing, which included questioning whether he’d become comfortable with his life as it is, was he ready to make changes, etc. I think if I’d wanted to do a committed thing he was willing to explore it. I didn’t like him that much, but even if I did I don’t really want to be a piece of someone’s midlife crisis. Figure it out, THEN go looking for whatever it is.

975

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
He spoke at some length about his thoughts while peeing,
[/quote]

What? He spoke to you about his thoughts while he was physically peeing at the same time, or he talked to you about thoughts he had while peeing at a later date?

Ai yi yi…these guys…

976

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
There’s no chance of a return to the relationship, [b]at least from my perspective[/b]
[/quote]
Bingo. From his, somewhere deep down in his sad mind there is. Otherwise he wouldn’t be talking to you. This is how men work.

977

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
There’s no chance of a return to the relationship, [b]at least from my perspective[/b]
[/quote]
Bingo. From his, somewhere deep down in his sad mind there is. Otherwise he wouldn’t be talking to you. This is how men work.[/quote]

I don’t think so. I think this is perfect for him. He has me, but without all the pressure I bring. I don’t any longer ask him to deal with his shit (depression? low T?) so he’ll have energy to do things, maybe have sex, and I don’t beg or demand that he be fiscally responsible.

Actually, it’s now exactly what he wanted our marriage to be!

Edit: though I acknowledge that you could be entirely right, who knows. Men! So odd.

978

[quote]sen say wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
He spoke at some length about his thoughts while peeing,
[/quote]

What? He spoke to you about his thoughts while he was physically peeing at the same time, or he talked to you about thoughts he had while peeing at a later date?

Ai yi yi…these guys…[/quote]

No, he came back from the bathroom and shared the thoughts he’d had while in there.

That’s how red hot I am. Men think of me when they pee.

979

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
That’s how red hot I am. Men think of me when they pee.[/quote]

You should print up floaty targets so they could focus all their energy on you.

980

None of you speak German.

Thats perfect.

Process this.