I have stuff to process but I don’t know exactly what it is. I sort of feel like I’ve had a mirror epiphany to orion’s, sort of the opposite. It stems from my lunch with the libertine. I think the reason it went so well for me from a who-flustered-whom perspective is that I took sexy out to play, which I never have before with a stranger, or with anyone, really, except the ex-boyfriend.
When I was married the sexual dynamic was very odd. We’d have a period of no sex (these got longer and longer over the years) with sudden revival/honeymoon phases. These might start with having sex twice in a day, then taper down over the course of a week. I’ve known for a while that the ex was like a sexual carrion eater somehow - he wanted me when I was dead in that regard. Once I started to wake up and get invested he withdrew. He’d talk about sexy underwear and such, but when I was actually in them and behaving seductively (to the limited extent I knew how to) he cut me off. Very hurtful.
Then along came Tim, who responded with such overwhelming enthusiasm to everything. It spurred me on because the feedback loop was so positive, and I Ioved responding freely and then eventually seducing him back. It was fun shocking him as I became less inhibited, which then became fun jokes. I announced one day as he came back from the bathroom at a restaurant that I’d just been checking out his package, for instance. Thereafter he’d notice me doing it and accuse me of objectifying him. Then we’d fool around. Occasionally he’d say with mock horror “you’re thinking about sex, aren’t you!” and I’d give a sultry response (he was always right, he could tell). Normal stuff, I think, but not for me.
I didn’t say or do anything overt with the libertine, but I think I let that element of my nature show clearly. Previously I’ve kept it well hidden.
So, my epiphany is that I can be smoldering if I want. My further epiphany is that I want to share that with someone who also appreciates the regular me. I don’t want to smolder with randoms and I don’t want to attach men to me with that (libertine in hot pursuit now, because I got busy at work and never managed to write to tell him never mind). That’s a thing I adored with Tim. The look on his face when I did surprising or sexy things, being able to seduce him with my eyes, occasionally meeting him at the door with seductive clothes on. Those were good things.
In other processing news, he emailed this week (first time long time) to say that he hoped I was staying warm in the union suit and wooly hunter hat (that he gave me, both as jokes, but I loved them both). The subject line was “cold cold cold,” which he’s done many times before, I think it may be a song lyric. But I have all his winter coats. He left them behind and came to pick up stuff in storage within a week of my having discovered that he’d been cheating. He emailed to notify me that he’d be in town in case I wanted to leave the state. (lol) I mentioned having the coats and he said to drop them at his former place. I decided not to (last days of old job, busy, wasn’t feeling generous) and emailed that they’d be on my front porch. I don’t know whether he didn’t get the email or what, but didn’t get the coats. So they need to be shipped. Or, not. I’ve had strong feelings around the coats (guilt that he may be cold, fury over the way he treated me) and time keeps passing and I keep not doing it. I don’t know whether the email was meant to be passive-aggressive, maybe not, but I decided to respond as if it was about the coats and was able to get some of my feelings off my chest, which I think was good for me.
[quote]I’m sorry about the coats. Every time I think “okay, today I’ll box them up” I get upset all over again, wind up feeling sad and then embarrassed about being such a colossal joke in that relationship, and then getting angry and thinking I’ll throw them away because I well remember you telling me I needed to figure something out about my stuff at Pam’s because as you said: “I’m not paying for your shit.” As if I’d have expected you to. Then I think why do you get to have everyone treat you better than you treat them, and then I wind up hurting all over again about how much I loved you and wanted you but how little it mattered.
One of these days I’ll be able to cope better with it all and I’ll send the coats. Or I’ll get mad enough to throw them away.
I wanted to email you on New Year’s Day and beg you to stop drinking and get your shit together, but went through the same process as above and didn’t do that either.[/quote]
I feel better acknowledging the coats for some reason. I don’t mean to torture him, but it’s still fucking with my head. I was glad to have a chance to say so. His response was “Thanks.” :-/
I think that’s all my processing for now. I should go run.
