Let's Process Our Feelings

Off Topic
721

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Skyz, you are obviously skilled enough to navigate BOTH the arenas of attraction AND relationship. Mr. Hockey is showing strong signs of “relationship skillz”, but not “attraction skillz”. A relationship (at least one with mind blowing passionate sex) is a fire that is KINDLED by the spark of attraction… He’s not igniting that spark in her at all - in fact, just the opposite. He is also failing to REALIZE this and adjust which shows lack of empathy and poor situational awareness/social intelligence. She can, and should, do better.
[/quote]

I guess that is where I’m disconnecting or misinterpreting things. Seems like Hockey Guy is good relationship material. Hence my question to Em about the libido, whether holding back was a conscious effort or if it just ain’t happening. The spark is what I’m not clear on. It could be that the guy looks good on paper but just doesn’t do it, or there could be some very good reasons on her side for not going into full on bacchanalia mode.
[/quote]

I think that you do believe that desire can be negotiated or derived rationally…

It cant.

He does not generate the tingle, for the reasons outlined above, and if she wont tingle, she tingles not.
[/quote]
Oh, no. I’m pretty sure that it is a deep visceral response.

I’v had my own experiences with trying to rationalize desire and I know that for me it doesn’t work like that.

722

Won’t desire come or not come once we start doing things? I find him attractive, he smells good - there’s no UN desire. With the smart guy I was having to do some work to get un-desire quenched. With hunter guy it was there as soon as we kissed, but like orion is saying, he was definitely dog to my cat. And then attraction immediately died when he got weird, or when I noticed that he’d been weird all along.

Iraq is polite but certainly making early remarks in that direction. Nothing over the line, definitely don’t get the sense that he’s a libertine like Sen. But dog/cat is there along with clear relationship intent.

Hockey. . . is kind. I think I may have to have a talk with him, about moving slowly and taking time before I settle in and holding off on sex but while we’re on the topic what does he prefer in terms of quantity and such. IF I can choke that all out without having a panic attack. Not because he’s rushing me in any way, god knows he’s not, but to clarify that I’m dating others. I actually think he could be a good match for me sexually because as kind as he is, he’s also quietly take-charge-ish.

I haven’t had to do a single drop of thinking about anything so far, except what I wanted to eat. (And of course my usual obsessive over thinking.) He invited me last night to a baby shower, which means his whole giant family 3 hours away (I think he invited me, that is, he said: “I know this is quite soon in our relationship, so I do expect you to say no and I will understand.” Am I MEANT to say no?) I’d sort of like to go because I love meeting families, but. . .?

I don’t think I like Iraq better than Hockey. I just don’t know. I haven’t met Iraq. I don’t want to move forward with either of them while I have the other on the line because that’s not fair to them and would make me feel like an asshole. I’m actually struggling not to feel like one already. I’m worried that I’m being greedy or toying with people or - I don’t know. Something that’s bad.

723

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
Jesus Em is pulling a lot of dudes.[/quote]
Shouldn’t be surprising.[/quote]

I’m surprised! I’m astonished by the entire bizarre situation.

724

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Won’t desire come or not come once we start doing things? I find him attractive, he smells good - there’s no UN desire. With the smart guy I was having to do some work to get un-desire quenched. With hunter guy it was there as soon as we kissed, but like orion is saying, he was definitely dog to my cat. And then attraction immediately died when he got weird, or when I noticed that he’d been weird all along.

Iraq is polite but certainly making early remarks in that direction. Nothing over the line, definitely don’t get the sense that he’s a libertine like Sen. But dog/cat is there along with clear relationship intent.

Hockey. . . is kind. I think I may have to have a talk with him, about moving slowly and taking time before I settle in and holding off on sex but while we’re on the topic what does he prefer in terms of quantity and such. IF I can choke that all out without having a panic attack. Not because he’s rushing me in any way, god knows he’s not, but to clarify that I’m dating others. I actually think he could be a good match for me sexually because as kind as he is, he’s also quietly take-charge-ish. I haven’t had to do a single drop of thinking about anything so far, except what I wanted to eat. (And of course my usual obsessive over thinking.) He invited me last night to a baby shower, which means his whole giant family 3 hours away (I think he invited me, that is, he said: “I know this is quite soon in our relationship, so I do expect you to say no and I will understand.” Am I MEANT to say no?) I’d sort of like to go because I love meeting families, but. . .?

I don’t think I like Iraq better than Hockey. I just don’t know. I haven’t met Iraq. I don’t want to move forward with either of them while I have the other on the line because that’s not fair to them and would make me feel like an asshole. I’m actually struggling not to feel like one already. I’m worried that I’m being greedy or toying with people or - I don’t know. Something that’s bad.

[/quote]

I’d take Hockey’s offer to you, the baby shower thing as a sign he’s willing to go there and thinks of you when those events come up (which is awesome right?). I’m not so secretly rooting for Iraq, but isn’t Hockey everything you said you wanted? Honestly, it’s kind of annoying that you need to think about it, that’s just me being honest. What are you going to do, test him and test him until you find an excuse to not be intimate and keep telling him take it slow lol? Seems like you are already connecting pretty well, you notice his subtle qualities and you like them which means they are very likely real, as he’s not trying to be a showoff and just being a classy dude, treating you like a lady.

If I were him and reading this I’d be annoyed that you are decisive in what you say you want, then when you get it, you are up in the air. I mean the guy is pushing it at his own pace, he can’t control your feelings about the kissing, so what is it that you really want? Seems like you just want to be single and play the field a bit, nothing wrong with that and it’s an explanation unto itself, especially given what you have gone through.

725

iraq guy is a pipe dream. Just tell him there’s too much distance.

726

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Won’t desire come or not come once we start doing things? I find him attractive, he smells good - there’s no UN desire. With the smart guy I was having to do some work to get un-desire quenched. With hunter guy it was there as soon as we kissed, but like orion is saying, he was definitely dog to my cat. And then attraction immediately died when he got weird, or when I noticed that he’d been weird all along.

Iraq is polite but certainly making early remarks in that direction. Nothing over the line, definitely don’t get the sense that he’s a libertine like Sen. But dog/cat is there along with clear relationship intent.

Hockey. . . is kind. I think I may have to have a talk with him, about moving slowly and taking time before I settle in and holding off on sex but while we’re on the topic what does he prefer in terms of quantity and such. IF I can choke that all out without having a panic attack. Not because he’s rushing me in any way, god knows he’s not, but to clarify that I’m dating others. I actually think he could be a good match for me sexually because as kind as he is, he’s also quietly take-charge-ish. I haven’t had to do a single drop of thinking about anything so far, except what I wanted to eat. (And of course my usual obsessive over thinking.) He invited me last night to a baby shower, which means his whole giant family 3 hours away (I think he invited me, that is, he said: “I know this is quite soon in our relationship, so I do expect you to say no and I will understand.” Am I MEANT to say no?) I’d sort of like to go because I love meeting families, but. . .?

I don’t think I like Iraq better than Hockey. I just don’t know. I haven’t met Iraq. I don’t want to move forward with either of them while I have the other on the line because that’s not fair to them and would make me feel like an asshole. I’m actually struggling not to feel like one already. I’m worried that I’m being greedy or toying with people or - I don’t know. Something that’s bad.

[/quote]

I’d take Hockey’s offer to you, the baby shower thing as a sign he’s willing to go there. I’m not so secretly rooting for Iraq, but isn’t Hockey everything you said you wanted? Honestly, it’s kind of annoying that you need to think about it, that’s just me being honest. What are you going to do, test him and test him until you find an excuse to not be intimate and keep telling him take it slow lol? Seems like you are already connecting pretty well, you notice his subtle qualities and you like them which means they are very likely real, as he’s not trying to be a showoff and just being a classy dude, treating you like a lady.

If I were him and reading this I’d be annoyed that you are decisive in what you say you want, then when you get it, you are up in the air. I mean the guy is pushing it at his own pace, he can’t control your feelings about the kissing, so what is it that you really want? Seems like you just want to be single and play the field a bit, nothing wrong with that and it’s an explanation unto itself, especially given what you have gone through. [/quote]

Yes, I want to be single for more than a few weeks, play the field and then decide what qualities are important to me and what aren’t. And then I want to settle into a wonderful relationship with someone I KNOW, rather than the first nice stranger who decides he likes me and has good qualities.

Hockey and Iraq both seem to be everything I’m looking for. But who knows? They’re strangers still.

727

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Won’t desire come or not come once we start doing things? I find him attractive, he smells good - there’s no UN desire. With the smart guy I was having to do some work to get un-desire quenched. With hunter guy it was there as soon as we kissed, but like orion is saying, he was definitely dog to my cat. And then attraction immediately died when he got weird, or when I noticed that he’d been weird all along.

Iraq is polite but certainly making early remarks in that direction. Nothing over the line, definitely don’t get the sense that he’s a libertine like Sen. But dog/cat is there along with clear relationship intent.

Hockey. . . is kind. I think I may have to have a talk with him, about moving slowly and taking time before I settle in and holding off on sex but while we’re on the topic what does he prefer in terms of quantity and such. IF I can choke that all out without having a panic attack. Not because he’s rushing me in any way, god knows he’s not, but to clarify that I’m dating others. I actually think he could be a good match for me sexually because as kind as he is, he’s also quietly take-charge-ish. I haven’t had to do a single drop of thinking about anything so far, except what I wanted to eat. (And of course my usual obsessive over thinking.) He invited me last night to a baby shower, which means his whole giant family 3 hours away (I think he invited me, that is, he said: “I know this is quite soon in our relationship, so I do expect you to say no and I will understand.” Am I MEANT to say no?) I’d sort of like to go because I love meeting families, but. . .?

I don’t think I like Iraq better than Hockey. I just don’t know. I haven’t met Iraq. I don’t want to move forward with either of them while I have the other on the line because that’s not fair to them and would make me feel like an asshole. I’m actually struggling not to feel like one already. I’m worried that I’m being greedy or toying with people or - I don’t know. Something that’s bad.

[/quote]

I’d take Hockey’s offer to you, the baby shower thing as a sign he’s willing to go there. I’m not so secretly rooting for Iraq, but isn’t Hockey everything you said you wanted? Honestly, it’s kind of annoying that you need to think about it, that’s just me being honest. What are you going to do, test him and test him until you find an excuse to not be intimate and keep telling him take it slow lol? Seems like you are already connecting pretty well, you notice his subtle qualities and you like them which means they are very likely real, as he’s not trying to be a showoff and just being a classy dude, treating you like a lady.

If I were him and reading this I’d be annoyed that you are decisive in what you say you want, then when you get it, you are up in the air. I mean the guy is pushing it at his own pace, he can’t control your feelings about the kissing, so what is it that you really want? Seems like you just want to be single and play the field a bit, nothing wrong with that and it’s an explanation unto itself, especially given what you have gone through. [/quote]

Yes, I want to be single for more than a few weeks, play the field and then decide what qualities are important to me and what aren’t. And then I want to settle into a wonderful relationship with someone I KNOW, rather than the first nice stranger who decides he likes me and has good qualities.

Hockey and Iraq both seem to be everything I’m looking for. But who knows? They’re strangers still. [/quote]

The real stranger was the Hunter. Iraq is still a stranger as well, Hockey from what you have told us isn’t so much a stranger but someone you are becoming familiar with as you notice subtleties that may be, or are likely going to be consistent with him. The thing is with him you can find out as you have access to him. I like that you don’t want to give up on Iraq, a lot btw.

Have you thought about what life would be like with a military man? Can you go months on end without him being there? A lot of women promise this but fail horribly and it really does a number on the men, there are so many stories out there… Just know what you are getting into.

So, the only guy close to any sort of field around you is Hockey. If you intend to play the field then you should have more face to face dates with other dudes that are actually in the field, and not thousands of miles away. It seems like you may have limited yourself to Hockey, and Iraq is kinda this surreal ideal dude.

728

[quote]Severiano wrote:

The real stranger was the Hunter. Iraq is still a stranger as well, Hockey from what you have told us isn’t so much a stranger but someone you are becoming familiar with as you notice subtleties that may be, or are likely going to be consistent with him. The thing is with him you can find out as you have access to him. I like that you don’t want to give up on Iraq, a lot btw.

Have you thought about what life would be like with a military man? Can you go months on end without him being there? A lot of women promise this but fail horribly and it really does a number on the men, there are so many stories out there… Just know what you are getting into.

So, the only guy close to any sort of field around you is Hockey. If you intend to play the field then you should have more face to face dates with other dudes that are actually in the field, and not thousands of miles away. It seems like you may have limited yourself to Hockey, and Iraq is kinda this surreal ideal dude.

[/quote]

Actually, I went out with a world-weary cynic last night and have lunch plans with the cheery libertine on Saturday, Hockey on Sunday. The sweet-but-damaged builder is still in contact and has asked about dinner tomorrow night. I sent him a Dear John last week saying I think he’s still grieving his marriage and also feel that aside from the cheating I’m more alike to his ex-wife than would probably work. He didn’t answer, so I thought that was done, but it turned out his internet was down. He thinks I’m over thinking things and he wants to go out again. A nice guy with a farm, whom I know slightly, is talking about getting together. I’m assuming he’s not looking for a friend. I think he’s too out of shape for me, though.

So no, there’s definitely a field.

Assuming Hockey wants to have sex, he wants it no more than I do. I want to have sex regularly and enthusiastically, I’m just not willing to date around while having sex with someone and I’m not ready to be exclusive. I don’t see it as that I’m testing him, I see it as getting to know him. As he’s not rushing things, perhaps he’s doing the same.

Iraq is in the Guard and has been deployed (couple of tours in Afghanistan) but at the moment he’s working for a private company. He’s generally 2 months on, one off, but he says he was home for a good bit of last year. When he’s home for any length of time he works for his family’s construction-oriented business. My understanding is that he’s doing what he’s doing to stockpile money and get his kids grown and into and through college. I do worry about what it means, though. I’ve already started getting concerned about his safety, so there’s that piece. How do I send someone I love (should that happen) off to a place that is constantly exploding?

Hockey and Iraq have been around about the same length of time. I’m emailing at length back and forth with Iraq, exchanging music and (clean) pictures (not just of each other, everything - where he is, the weather at home, my christmas tree, his peculiar Christmas dinner), while I’ve seen Hockey pretty much weekly, but emails are brief and goal-directed.

729

[quote]csulli wrote:
iraq guy is a pipe dream. Just tell him there’s too much distance.[/quote]

Why a pipe dream, csulli?

730

I’m confused again, Em.

731

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
iraq guy is a pipe dream. Just tell him there’s too much distance.[/quote]

Why a pipe dream, csulli?[/quote]
Didn’t you say he lives really far away? And when he’s not living far away he’s in freakin Iraq? You’ve got a good job going, I don’t see you moving to his place any time soon. So even when he’s home it remains long distance… And as a guy whose dad was in the marines for 10 years, women never, ever know how difficult that relationship is until they try it. I dunno Em, I just don’t see a relationship of that much distance working. Not that I’m an expert on long distance relationships, but statistically that’s just the way it goes.

732

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
iraq guy is a pipe dream. Just tell him there’s too much distance.[/quote]

Why a pipe dream, csulli?[/quote]
Didn’t you say he lives really far away? And when he’s not living far away he’s in freakin Iraq? You’ve got a good job going, I don’t see you moving to his place any time soon. So even when he’s home it remains long distance… And as a guy whose dad was in the marines for 10 years, women never, ever know how difficult that relationship is until they try it. I dunno Em, I just don’t see a relationship of that much distance working. Not that I’m an expert on long distance relationships, but statistically that’s just the way it goes.[/quote]
It’s pretty much a synthetic relationship until you get real quality face time. Even then the introduction of hidden elements sets off the binary sequence of yes and no, and then it’s over. Like nothing. Synthetic. Or maybe that’s just me.

733

[quote]spar4tee wrote:
I’m confused again, Em.[/quote]

Me too. Why are you confused? Is it because like me you don’t know what you’re doing with all these men or how best to proceed?

734

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
iraq guy is a pipe dream. Just tell him there’s too much distance.[/quote]

Why a pipe dream, csulli?[/quote]
Didn’t you say he lives really far away? And when he’s not living far away he’s in freakin Iraq? You’ve got a good job going, I don’t see you moving to his place any time soon. So even when he’s home it remains long distance… And as a guy whose dad was in the marines for 10 years, women never, ever know how difficult that relationship is until they try it. I dunno Em, I just don’t see a relationship of that much distance working. Not that I’m an expert on long distance relationships, but statistically that’s just the way it goes.[/quote]

An hour and a half. He’s got a son in a college a few minutes from my office.

You’re right, of course. I don’t know if I can call it off before I meet him, though. But maybe it’s just going to screw with me even more to meet him, because I can already tell we’ll like each other initially. There won’t be any surprises looks-wise, we’re both sending “here’s me just now” pics. But then what? I have a boyfriend every third month, whose life I’ll fear for?

I just don’t know.

735

[quote]pushharder wrote:
LOL at the guys who still don’t get the Sen of Say after all these years.

[/quote]

Who loves ya baby?!?!

736

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
Plus, he’s kinda like David Spade whereas DollarBill was Chris Farley. Kidding, Sen.
[/quote]

Dios mi…I’ve been going for Bill Murray…

737

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
(I don’t know how to manage the check thing - to what degree do I argue or launch myself after the check?),
[/quote]

When you’re done eating go to the restroom and give your card to the waiter and tell him to just charge it without bringing you the bill.

738

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
This is a good question, and one I was thinking about while I worked out. I think both. My sexuality is responsive, and there hasn’t been anything to respond to. Also, I’m holding out for the Iraq guy. He may be much more intriguing as a distant idea than a reality, but I want to see.

[/quote]

Have you seen the movie Salmon Fishing In The Yeman?

739

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
have lunch plans with the cheery libertine on Saturday, [/quote]

You’ve found another libertine? I’m hurt…

740

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Severiano wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Won’t desire come or not come once we start doing things? I find him attractive, he smells good - there’s no UN desire. With the smart guy I was having to do some work to get un-desire quenched. With hunter guy it was there as soon as we kissed, but like orion is saying, he was definitely dog to my cat. And then attraction immediately died when he got weird, or when I noticed that he’d been weird all along.

Iraq is polite but certainly making early remarks in that direction. Nothing over the line, definitely don’t get the sense that he’s a libertine like Sen. But dog/cat is there along with clear relationship intent.

Hockey. . . is kind. I think I may have to have a talk with him, about moving slowly and taking time before I settle in and holding off on sex but while we’re on the topic what does he prefer in terms of quantity and such. IF I can choke that all out without having a panic attack. Not because he’s rushing me in any way, god knows he’s not, but to clarify that I’m dating others. I actually think he could be a good match for me sexually because as kind as he is, he’s also quietly take-charge-ish. I haven’t had to do a single drop of thinking about anything so far, except what I wanted to eat. (And of course my usual obsessive over thinking.) He invited me last night to a baby shower, which means his whole giant family 3 hours away (I think he invited me, that is, he said: “I know this is quite soon in our relationship, so I do expect you to say no and I will understand.” Am I MEANT to say no?) I’d sort of like to go because I love meeting families, but. . .?

I don’t think I like Iraq better than Hockey. I just don’t know. I haven’t met Iraq. I don’t want to move forward with either of them while I have the other on the line because that’s not fair to them and would make me feel like an asshole. I’m actually struggling not to feel like one already. I’m worried that I’m being greedy or toying with people or - I don’t know. Something that’s bad.

[/quote]

I’d take Hockey’s offer to you, the baby shower thing as a sign he’s willing to go there. I’m not so secretly rooting for Iraq, but isn’t Hockey everything you said you wanted? Honestly, it’s kind of annoying that you need to think about it, that’s just me being honest. What are you going to do, test him and test him until you find an excuse to not be intimate and keep telling him take it slow lol? Seems like you are already connecting pretty well, you notice his subtle qualities and you like them which means they are very likely real, as he’s not trying to be a showoff and just being a classy dude, treating you like a lady.

If I were him and reading this I’d be annoyed that you are decisive in what you say you want, then when you get it, you are up in the air. I mean the guy is pushing it at his own pace, he can’t control your feelings about the kissing, so what is it that you really want? Seems like you just want to be single and play the field a bit, nothing wrong with that and it’s an explanation unto itself, especially given what you have gone through. [/quote]

Yes, I want to be single for more than a few weeks, play the field and then decide what qualities are important to me and what aren’t. And then I want to settle into a wonderful relationship with someone I KNOW, rather than the first nice stranger who decides he likes me and has good qualities.

Hockey and Iraq both seem to be everything I’m looking for. But who knows? They’re strangers still. [/quote]

I think you’re doin it right. This is that pre-relationship figuring it out/getting to know kind of stage. Decisions on who is the right one are still a little ways off, let alone exclusivity and other long term plans.