I wonder if there’s some correlation between being loyal and attracting cheaters? :([/quote]
No, but is a Game theory thingy, this time Nash, not Mistery.
It actually makes sense to cooperate when you do business again and again and again which you kind of have to in a traditional society.
Throw in modern mores, anonimity and defecting from the deal gets rewarded, because you only play the game once with each partner.
Throw in cash and prices in case of a divorce and defecting gets even more interesting.
Incentives matter and in a weird way people are actually acting rationally.
So if you someone who would never consider cheating you are simply in the weaker position and will encounter it.
Now it gets better than that, sooner or later you might decide that you will do it too, thereby maybe ruining men who would have never considered it and for some young women it does not even make sense not to ride the carousel because most men she meets are so ccynical that they automatically assume they do.
Its an ever widening circle of distrust within a society.
I disagree with Push though, that is still far from the backlash.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I met a guy for breakfast Saturday whose wife abruptly left for another man. My mom did the same, but not for a man.
[/quote]
For a woman, then? Was she driving a Subaru?[/quote]
Well, I will say one thing for Lesbians, they pay their debts and give back the tools I lent them.
That goes a long way with me, up to, and including, SUV Riceburners. [/quote]
You seem to be implying that a lesbian is just like a woman, only with reason and accountability added back in.
[/quote]
Its a tragedy.
Sane women dont want to have the intercourse with men…
What iz we gonna do?[/quote]
This is the male equivalent of the oft-heard female lament: “he’s handsome, considerate, a good listener, well-dressed, good cook, intelligent…he’d be perfect if only he weren’t GAY.”
I dunno. Seeking out bisexual women (who combine most of the best attributes of lesbian and straight women) seems a great deal more practical than becoming a lesbian oneself.
[quote]csulli wrote:
Obviously it really hurts being cheated on. I tried to never let it bother me when I found out other girls did it with me, I just said “Well that’s their fault not mine”, but after having enough time to get over it and reflect, they’re both pretty much equally depressing. It’s all just data points of females going outside their committed relationship of multiple years and letting some other dude go balls deep for what feels like no effort…
It’s all rather soul crushing. That’s me whining though like orion said lol.[/quote]
I ultimately decided I just won’t let it happen. The basis for my rationalization was “it’s her decision, and who am I to keep her from doing what she wants to do.”
But I’ve changed my stance. I can’t control whether or not she’ll cheat, but I can control whether it will be with me. This is one of those cases where I genuinely feel better doing the “right” thing. As far as flirting and everything up until that point, I don’t really have any issues, but there’s a line I no longer cross. Having tried it both ways, that’s where I personally feel most comfortable.
On a different but related note, one of the major turning points in my current relationship was when my girlfriend realized that I actually could cheat on her if I wanted. It’s as if she’d never considered the possibility, but once it became obvious, a lot of the prior bs went away. Now I’d like to think it was because she saw that I was faithful to her and it was a matter of my principles, but in reality I think it was because she realized there was actually genuine competition. I’m guessing she didn’t want to do something that might literally drive me into the arms of her competition.
She’s now well aware that I have options, and in a lot of ways that’s made things better. And I’ve learned to keep my options open.
Just something to keep in mind if/when you do decide to attempt another LTR. Which I hope you do, eventually.
[quote]csulli wrote:
Obviously it really hurts being cheated on. I tried to never let it bother me when I found out other girls did it with me, I just said “Well that’s their fault not mine”, but after having enough time to get over it and reflect, they’re both pretty much equally depressing. It’s all just data points of females going outside their committed relationship of multiple years and letting some other dude go balls deep for what feels like no effort…
It’s all rather soul crushing. That’s me whining though like orion said lol.[/quote]
I ultimately decided I just won’t let it happen. The basis for my rationalization was “it’s her decision, and who am I to keep her from doing what she wants to do.”
But I’ve changed my stance. I can’t control whether or not she’ll cheat, but I can control whether it will be with me. This is one of those cases where I genuinely feel better doing the “right” thing. As far as flirting and everything up until that point, I don’t really have any issues, but there’s a line I no longer cross. Having tried it both ways, that’s where I personally feel most comfortable.
On a different but related note, one of the major turning points in my current relationship was when my girlfriend realized that I actually could cheat on her if I wanted. It’s as if she’d never considered the possibility, but once it became obvious, a lot of the prior bs went away. Now I’d like to think it was because she saw that I was faithful to her and it was a matter of my principles, but in reality I think it was because she realized there was actually genuine competition. I’m guessing she didn’t want to do something that might literally drive me into the arms of her competition.
She’s now well aware that I have options, and in a lot of ways that’s made things better. And I’ve learned to keep my options open.
Just something to keep in mind if/when you do decide to attempt another LTR. Which I hope you do, eventually.[/quote]
Dread game:
You thought it was about her appreciating you for your character ?
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I met a guy for breakfast Saturday whose wife abruptly left for another man. My mom did the same, but not for a man.
[/quote]
For a woman, then? Was she driving a Subaru?[/quote]
It was my MOM. I was 12 and she just up and left us. I can’t joke about it.
I am against infidelity, for the record.
Had a second date with the guy whose wife left him for another man. He’s a wreck, even after three years. I’d love to be his therapist (he needs one) but I don’t want to be his girlfriend. What sucks is that he gave me flowers and a bottle of wine. Augh, you shouldn’t have! ~guilt~
Howdy, long time lurker, first time poster (to this thread).
Looking for a bit of direction regarding the line between being supportive and being a sucker, something I’m not having a lot of success navigating right now.
Bit of backstory: I live with my GF of 5 years and have joint custody of 4 young children from a previous marriage. In reality, most of their time is spent at my place. My GF struggles with anxiety, she’s been on and off mild meds most of her life thanks to a dad who’s an MD. She’s been off them for 5 or 6 years now after realiizing that her dad didn’t necessarily have her best interests at heart. She works very hard to control her anxiety on her own and is mostly successful. Yoga, working out, dancing, therapy 2x week, etc are all strategies she used to keep her anxiety under control.
Her anxiety has started to soar as her professional life has started to become less fulfilling (bad boss, tough clients, the usual challenges). Nearly every night she comes home, we talk about her challenges as work and she cries. Some nights, it’s 15 minutes and other nights it’s for 2 hours. On weekends, we’ll have marathon talks of 2 - 3 hours about how unhappy she is, and how anxious she is, and how work is triggering her anxiety, and what she can do to get herself in a better place. I’m a very good listener and am naturally empathetic and I’ve always attracted women who have tumultuous inner lives. Sex, which used to be 4-5x a week has dropped off to once every 2 weeks or so. She’s less playful and less affectionate overall.
And I can not take it anymore. If I have to listen to one more person I care about cry I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a fork. I’m exhausted.
So, I’m torn. I feel like an emotional kleenex. Or a Xanax. I’m a Xanax with a pulse. For whatever reason, I can’t see myself clearly in all of this and have no idea if I’m the greatest boyfriend ever (cleans house, has dinner ready, listens to all her problems) or the biggest schmuck ever (not getting laid, spends hours and hours a week listening to her problems).
Work stress shouldn’t be underestimated as a catalyst for the breakdown of communication and good function of a relationship. In mine is has been huge, from both sides.
Surely that is not the only thing, but it can be a big one.
