Give up on Iraq guy for Christ’s sake.
Em, you don’t disclose anything to anyone because there’s nothing to disclose. When people first meet there’s an expectation that they’re also seeing other people, up until you have the discussion that you’re not.
I think you should go with this and push your self out of your comfort zone. Go on lots of dates with lots of people and resist your urge to Tell Everything. I understand you want to connect with people, but you can explore connecting in ways that don’t involve oversharing (emotional or sexual).
This could be a great experiment for you with the proper mindset.
[quote]csulli wrote:
Give up on Iraq guy for Christ’s sake.[/quote]
I really, really want that one, though. 
I sort of really want all of them at the moment (but Iraq most of all), so Dr. P, I’m working on it. None of the guys I’m talking to have done that pushing thing, so maybe I’m getting better at something (finding a different type, maybe, or giving off different vibes). Still, the urge to clarify everything so no one gets hurt is strong. But really, what hurt does it prevent?
I think maybe I should become an active Catholic so I can start going to confession and get some of this stuff off my chest. lol
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Still, the urge to clarify everything so no one gets hurt is strong.
[/quote]
Well you’re at least doing a great deal to restore my faith in the trustworthiness of females 
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:… the urge to clarify everything so no one gets hurt is strong. But really, what hurt does it prevent?
[/quote]
You are not responsible for their feelings!
If they’re upset because they want an exclusive relationship and you don’t, then that’s on them.
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Still, the urge to clarify everything so no one gets hurt is strong.
[/quote]
Well you’re at least doing a great deal to restore my faith in the trustworthiness of females :)[/quote]
Yet at the same time destroying your faith in our intellects!
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
Em, you don’t disclose anything to anyone because there’s nothing to disclose. When people first meet there’s an expectation that they’re also seeing other people, up until you have the discussion that you’re not.
I think you should go with this and push your self out of your comfort zone. Go on lots of dates with lots of people and resist your urge to Tell Everything. I understand you want to connect with people, but you can explore connecting in ways that don’t involve oversharing (emotional or sexual).
This could be a great experiment for you with the proper mindset.[/quote]
I don’t think this approach works as well for women as it does for men. It has been my experience that so much as one drink with a guy means you are forsaking all others. I think, unless stated otherwise, most guys think that seeing a girl once or twice means she is your girlfriend and no longer seeing anyone else.
When I was single and dating and found someone that I wanted to get to know better, I would say something like, “I think you are great/funny/etc and would like to get to know you better. However, I will be seeing other people. If you are OK with that, I would like to see you again.” Some guys were fine and actually thanked me for being honest, while others freaked the fuck out.
It’s not over sharing, it is being honest about what you are looking for at the moment. His reaction also gives you a lot of insight into his character. If he continues to push and ask why or tries to change your mind, you have just been presented with a very clear red flag and can end everything right then and there.
Why does it have to be so complicated? I honestly don’t know how the players get any joy out of this business.
When did you give the speech, SP? Doesn’t seem like an initial date thing, because who knows if they like you. Second date? When kissing starts? (Kissing! That’s what messes me up.)
Also, I’ve had a couple of guys sort of tentatively, tactfully wonder if I like sex. Obviously coming out of relationships/marriages without. I didn’t mind, though it’s awkward to answer. Anyway, it’s something I wonder about, too, having also come out of a marriage lacking in that. Is there any way for me to tactfully ask, or as a woman is that not really possible without sending a way wrong message?
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Also, I’ve had a couple of guys sort of tentatively, tactfully wonder if I like sex. Obviously coming out of relationships/marriages without. I didn’t mind, though it’s awkward to answer. Anyway, it’s something I wonder about, too, having also come out of a marriage lacking in that. Is there any way for me to tactfully ask, or as a woman is that not really possible without sending a way wrong message?[/quote]
What? Are there people who don’t like sex? I don’t understand any of this.
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Also, I’ve had a couple of guys sort of tentatively, tactfully wonder if I like sex. Obviously coming out of relationships/marriages without. I didn’t mind, though it’s awkward to answer. Anyway, it’s something I wonder about, too, having also come out of a marriage lacking in that. Is there any way for me to tactfully ask, or as a woman is that not really possible without sending a way wrong message?[/quote]
What? Are there people who don’t like sex? I don’t understand any of this.[/quote]
Yes, yes there are. And it sucks mightily to be bound to them when you don’t feel the same way.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Also, I’ve had a couple of guys sort of tentatively, tactfully wonder if I like sex. Obviously coming out of relationships/marriages without. I didn’t mind, though it’s awkward to answer. Anyway, it’s something I wonder about, too, having also come out of a marriage lacking in that. Is there any way for me to tactfully ask, or as a woman is that not really possible without sending a way wrong message?[/quote]
What? Are there people who don’t like sex? I don’t understand any of this.[/quote]
Yes, yes there are. And it sucks mightily to be bound to them when you don’t feel the same way. [/quote]
Hmm… I don’t think any of these guys are ever actually wondering if you like sex. They are probably just trying to actually have sex. Do you have like an example? I mean, no man ever wonders if a girl likes sex.
Now I guess given your past experience you could legitimately wonder if a guy likes sex, but honestly, I don’t think that is a common enough problem for you to need to worry about it.
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Also, I’ve had a couple of guys sort of tentatively, tactfully wonder if I like sex. Obviously coming out of relationships/marriages without. I didn’t mind, though it’s awkward to answer. Anyway, it’s something I wonder about, too, having also come out of a marriage lacking in that. Is there any way for me to tactfully ask, or as a woman is that not really possible without sending a way wrong message?[/quote]
What? Are there people who don’t like sex? I don’t understand any of this.[/quote]
Yes, yes there are. And it sucks mightily to be bound to them when you don’t feel the same way. [/quote]
Hmm… I don’t think any of these guys are ever actually wondering if you like sex. They are probably just trying to actually have sex. Do you have like an example? I mean, no man ever wonders if a girl likes sex.
Now I guess given your past experience you could legitimately wonder if a guy likes sex, but honestly, I don’t think that is a common enough problem for you to need to worry about it.[/quote]
Why yes, yes I do have examples, because with online dating I can copy/paste.
An attorney asked early on: “Are you kind, smart and sensual?”
I talked about kind and smart, then: “If by sensual you mean mysterious and sultry, which is how I think of it (e.g. Angelina Jolie), then probably no, that’s not me. On the other hand, if by sensual you mean sexy or interested in sex, then possibly yes to the first (also so subjective a notion) and definitely yes to the second. However, if by that we then mean looking for casual sex, that wouldn’t be me.”
He responded something to the effect that he wasn’t looking for casual sex, either, but his ex was bipolar (depression a problem I assume) and so he needed to ask where I stood on that. He liked my answer. I think your age doesn’t allow you to encounter all the miserable things that can go wrong as kids, weight gain, high cholesterol and low T come into play, along with years and years of petty arguments and such.
And another, Iraq, actually, but after we’d been writing back and forth for a while: “You do like passion and intimacy once you become involved to that point?”
It’s not really a speech, Em, it’s just a statement. Generally at the end of the date when you decide whether you want to see each other again, you just say Yes, but, just so you are aware, I am also going to be seeing other people. Simple and to the point so there are no mixed signals.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Why yes, yes I do have examples, because with online dating I can copy/paste.
An attorney asked early on: “Are you kind, smart and sensual?”
I talked about kind and smart, then: “If by sensual you mean mysterious and sultry, which is how I think of it (e.g. Angelina Jolie), then probably no, that’s not me. On the other hand, if by sensual you mean sexy or interested in sex, then possibly yes to the first (also so subjective a notion) and definitely yes to the second. However, if by that we then mean looking for casual sex, that wouldn’t be me.”
He responded something to the effect that he wasn’t looking for casual sex, either, but his ex was bipolar (depression a problem I assume) and so he needed to ask where I stood on that. He liked my answer. I think your age doesn’t allow you to encounter all the miserable things that can go wrong as kids, weight gain, high cholesterol and low T come into play, along with years and years of petty arguments and such.
And another, Iraq, actually, but after we’d been writing back and forth for a while: “You do like passion and intimacy once you become involved to that point?”
[/quote]
I’m not 100% sure what to make of this lol. That is completely not what I would mean if I were to ask a girl if she were “sensual” though. And Iraq guy may have just been trying to get you talking and thinking about sex like we always are.
Maybe I’m way off base I dunno. It just never, ever, ever in a million years would have occurred to me that I needed to ask a female if she liked sex, implying the answer could be “No, I’m asexual.”
And even then I don’t need her to like it I just need her to consent to it 
Update: My house is under contract. I am feeling great.
Thanks for letting me share my feelings.
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Why yes, yes I do have examples, because with online dating I can copy/paste.
An attorney asked early on: “Are you kind, smart and sensual?”
I talked about kind and smart, then: “If by sensual you mean mysterious and sultry, which is how I think of it (e.g. Angelina Jolie), then probably no, that’s not me. On the other hand, if by sensual you mean sexy or interested in sex, then possibly yes to the first (also so subjective a notion) and definitely yes to the second. However, if by that we then mean looking for casual sex, that wouldn’t be me.”
He responded something to the effect that he wasn’t looking for casual sex, either, but his ex was bipolar (depression a problem I assume) and so he needed to ask where I stood on that. He liked my answer. I think your age doesn’t allow you to encounter all the miserable things that can go wrong as kids, weight gain, high cholesterol and low T come into play, along with years and years of petty arguments and such.
And another, Iraq, actually, but after we’d been writing back and forth for a while: “You do like passion and intimacy once you become involved to that point?”
[/quote]
I’m not 100% sure what to make of this lol. That is completely not what I would mean if I were to ask a girl if she were “sensual” though. And Iraq guy may have just been trying to get you talking and thinking about sex like we always are.
Maybe I’m way off base I dunno. It just never, ever, ever in a million years would have occurred to me that I needed to ask a female if she liked sex, implying the answer could be “No, I’m asexual.”
And even then I don’t need her to like it I just need her to consent to it ;P[/quote]
OMG, that last bit made me laugh hard.
As for the rest, who the hell knows what they’re saying or trying to do? Not I, that’s for certain!
What would you mean if you asked a girl if she was nice, smart, and sensual? And under what conditions would you ask this? lol
Iraq may be trying to get me to talk about sex. Distinct possibility. I may have brought the subject into play, in fact, as I’m pretty curious about things and I may have tip-toed around “wow, two months, long time. . .” Because I recall reading about his hand in the context of women and dating and having fun over there, and it was a subject I initiated. And then backed right away from.
[quote]dmaddox wrote:
Update: My house is under contract. I am feeling great.
Thanks for letting me share my feelings.[/quote]
I think we’re all happy to share your feelings of relief and happiness!
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Why yes, yes I do have examples, because with online dating I can copy/paste.
An attorney asked early on: “Are you kind, smart and sensual?”
I talked about kind and smart, then: “If by sensual you mean mysterious and sultry, which is how I think of it (e.g. Angelina Jolie), then probably no, that’s not me. On the other hand, if by sensual you mean sexy or interested in sex, then possibly yes to the first (also so subjective a notion) and definitely yes to the second. However, if by that we then mean looking for casual sex, that wouldn’t be me.”
He responded something to the effect that he wasn’t looking for casual sex, either, but his ex was bipolar (depression a problem I assume) and so he needed to ask where I stood on that. He liked my answer. I think your age doesn’t allow you to encounter all the miserable things that can go wrong as kids, weight gain, high cholesterol and low T come into play, along with years and years of petty arguments and such.
And another, Iraq, actually, but after we’d been writing back and forth for a while: “You do like passion and intimacy once you become involved to that point?”
[/quote]
I’m not 100% sure what to make of this lol. That is completely not what I would mean if I were to ask a girl if she were “sensual” though. And Iraq guy may have just been trying to get you talking and thinking about sex like we always are.
Maybe I’m way off base I dunno. It just never, ever, ever in a million years would have occurred to me that I needed to ask a female if she liked sex, implying the answer could be “No, I’m asexual.”
And even then I don’t need her to like it I just need her to consent to it ;P[/quote]
Okay, was just looking back at emails and it seems I didn’t tip-toe around anything, asking first about fun and dating over there and then directly “Sex?”
What’s wrong with me? No wonder they’re all so weird!
I’m off to my wine tasting adventures now, where no men will be. Unless some are there. (We’ll see. lol)
I’ll let you know if we take our clothes off for any reason.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
What would you mean if you asked a girl if she was nice, smart, and sensual? And under what conditions would you ask this? lol
[/quote]
Under no conditions would I ask that. It seems to me an absurd question. I mean wtf is she gonna say? “No, I’m a dumb, frigid bitch.”
IF hypothetically I were to at least ask a woman if she were sensual I would mean it in the sense that some women are more into cuddling and just general touching and hand holding and that sort of thing and other ladies are more standoffish. That does not however, imo, reflect either positively or negatively on their sexuality. I think of that more as non-sexual type touching and bonding and such.
But regardless I would never ask that. The word “sensual” to me is used almost exclusively in a farcical context, and I would feel ridiculous and laugh at myself if I ever attempted to use it seriously.
I would probably just ask if she was a cuddler. I like girls like that, not gonna lie. And no I’m not giving anyone my “man card” for that statement. If you think it should be relinquished then take it if you can!