[quote]csulli wrote:
You’re not doing her any favors by gifting her something’s he didn’t earn and doesn’t deserve. That’s not how shit works in the real world, and you would be doing her a disservice to not teach her that lesson now rather than later when it may have more dire consequences.[/quote]
Well, if I read things correctly, she actually DID do the work, just not in a timely fashion. So, I mean, I think she deserves some credit.
But actually, no, that’s not what I meant to say. And I don’t actually care that much.
It’s the whole “that’s not how shit works in the real world” line that I find interesting. In the real world, I find being “too honest” actually works against you more often than not. It’s not really about her at all, it’s about his reputation and how good or bad of a “team player” it makes him look. There’s only a few times when throwing a teammate under the bus makes any sense, and there’s even fewer that you can get away with it without it biting you later on.
Really, the truth is going to come out and her reputation will precede her so it’ll all work its way out over time.
Getting your shit done no matter what but still playing the little political games seems to work better than not playing the games at all. You don’t actually have to be a team player, you just need to look like it on paper.
That was a lesson learned the hard way, twice. That’s where I was coming from.[/quote]
Total agreement! The real world doesn’t want to hear whining about the project. It just wants results and people who can lead successfully.
[quote]csulli wrote:
You’re not doing her any favors by gifting her something’s he didn’t earn and doesn’t deserve. That’s not how shit works in the real world, and you would be doing her a disservice to not teach her that lesson now rather than later when it may have more dire consequences.[/quote]
Well, if I read things correctly, she actually DID do the work, just not in a timely fashion. So, I mean, I think she deserves some credit.
But actually, no, that’s not what I meant to say. And I don’t actually care that much.
It’s the whole “that’s not how shit works in the real world” line that I find interesting. In the real world, I find being “too honest” actually works against you more often than not. It’s not really about her at all, it’s about his reputation and how good or bad of a “team player” it makes him look. There’s only a few times when throwing a teammate under the bus makes any sense, and there’s even fewer that you can get away with it without it biting you later on.
Really, the truth is going to come out and her reputation will precede her so it’ll all work its way out over time.
Getting your shit done no matter what but still playing the little political games seems to work better than not playing the games at all. You don’t actually have to be a team player, you just need to look like it on paper.
That was a lesson learned the hard way, twice. That’s where I was coming from.[/quote]
Total agreement! The real world doesn’t want to hear whining about the project. It just wants results and people who can lead successfully.
[/quote]
Not whining though. The teacher asked for a score. Giving faulty data merely invalidates his metric. None of my professors in college or my bosses at work ever seemed to care much about the harmony of any group so long as the work got done. I’m no stranger to doing the lion’s share of the work in such projects. In fact most of the time I simply did everything anyway, because I was never satisfied with how other people did things. And I gave them great group scores lol, because none of them ever screwed me over. I don’t mind if they don’t help, but don’t promise me something you can’t deliver on especially if it fucks me over.
Honestly the thing where she forced you to cancel on your duties the day before a powerlifting meet was enough for me to zero her. Most people have no idea what a horrible, stressful ordeal it can be getting the right people to actually show up for those.
[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking and I’m well aware that this is a minuscule problem in the grand scheme of life, but I guess I’m asking what would some of you do in a situation like this?[/quote]
10-15 with a short explanation about her unreliability and how that was a detriment to the group. It’s low enough to indicate “noticeably sub-par”, without coming across as an ass… and then provides the opportunity for further adjustment by the professor or whoever’s teaching the course.[/quote]
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Well, in the case of the ex-husband I found out years after the fact, though I was enraged about that and a dozen other betrayals of various sorts. Still, it’s been more than three years and we’re intertwined in a thousand ways. Time mellows the bad stuff. Also, I’ve had a much happier three years than he has, despite some setbacks, and think he needs me. I’m probably his best friend. I know that if I needed him he’d be there, too, if he could. ~shrug~[/quote]
I understand where you’re coming from there (I’ve done the same although different of course) but do you really think that’s healthy? Do you think it’s prevented you from properly investing in new relationships?
That was always my concern.[/quote]
Not at all. There’s no element of romantic love there for me.
In many ways I don’t respect my ex-husband. In AC’s terminology, his “frame” is weak. Mine is most definitely not. I know exactly who I am and what I want and what my downsides and strengths are. He is incapable for whatever reason of doing the work needed to stop being chronically dissatisfied and unhappy. I think he and I both benefit from the security of having someone out there in the world, caring, but that’s really all it is. He checked in last night to see how the move went. That’s nice. But live with him again I will never do. There’s no temptation whatsoever. I want to fall in love with someone I can adore without reserve. That’s not my ex. He’s guarded and defensive about all the wrong things, and completely incapable of intimacy of any sort, though we do share a comfortable familiarity.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.[/quote]
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.
[/quote]
I could not despise this product more. If I ever walked into my bathroom and found a contraption of this sort choking and suffocating my beloved, soft, beautifully malleable tube of delicious, minty toothpaste, why, I can’t even say what I might do. Bad things, though. Really dangerous things. I can’t even look straight at it. Those little ridges of terror! ~brr~
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.[/quote]
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.[/quote]
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Well, in the case of the ex-husband I found out years after the fact, though I was enraged about that and a dozen other betrayals of various sorts. Still, it’s been more than three years and we’re intertwined in a thousand ways. Time mellows the bad stuff. Also, I’ve had a much happier three years than he has, despite some setbacks, and think he needs me. I’m probably his best friend. I know that if I needed him he’d be there, too, if he could. ~shrug~[/quote]
I understand where you’re coming from there (I’ve done the same although different of course) but do you really think that’s healthy? Do you think it’s prevented you from properly investing in new relationships?
That was always my concern.[/quote]
Not at all. There’s no element of romantic love there for me.
In many ways I don’t respect my ex-husband. In AC’s terminology, his “frame” is weak. Mine is most definitely not. I know exactly who I am and what I want and what my downsides and strengths are. He is incapable for whatever reason of doing the work needed to stop being chronically dissatisfied and unhappy. I think he and I both benefit from the security of having someone out there in the world, caring, but that’s really all it is. He checked in last night to see how the move went. That’s nice. But live with him again I will never do. There’s no temptation whatsoever. I want to fall in love with someone I can adore without reserve. That’s not my ex. He’s guarded and defensive about all the wrong things, and completely incapable of intimacy of any sort, though we do share a comfortable familiarity.
[/quote]
Is that his understanding as well or do you think he might have different motives?
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.[/quote]
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Well, in the case of the ex-husband I found out years after the fact, though I was enraged about that and a dozen other betrayals of various sorts. Still, it’s been more than three years and we’re intertwined in a thousand ways. Time mellows the bad stuff. Also, I’ve had a much happier three years than he has, despite some setbacks, and think he needs me. I’m probably his best friend. I know that if I needed him he’d be there, too, if he could. ~shrug~[/quote]
I understand where you’re coming from there (I’ve done the same although different of course) but do you really think that’s healthy? Do you think it’s prevented you from properly investing in new relationships?
That was always my concern.[/quote]
Not at all. There’s no element of romantic love there for me.
In many ways I don’t respect my ex-husband. In AC’s terminology, his “frame” is weak. Mine is most definitely not. I know exactly who I am and what I want and what my downsides and strengths are. He is incapable for whatever reason of doing the work needed to stop being chronically dissatisfied and unhappy. I think he and I both benefit from the security of having someone out there in the world, caring, but that’s really all it is. He checked in last night to see how the move went. That’s nice. But live with him again I will never do. There’s no temptation whatsoever. I want to fall in love with someone I can adore without reserve. That’s not my ex. He’s guarded and defensive about all the wrong things, and completely incapable of intimacy of any sort, though we do share a comfortable familiarity.
[/quote]
Is that his understanding as well or do you think he might have different motives?[/quote]
I really have no idea, and beyond occasional mild curiosity, don’t care. I spent a lot of years begging him to tell me what he wanted sexually, emotionally, and even for dinner. What I got were indications of unhappiness I worried were my fault, but no explanation of why or what could be different, and a lot of blowups that were not directed at me or anyone in particular, but that made life with him one of unending stress and confusion.
Now he’s still largely unhappy, but I’m no longer the source of it. And I’m still largely happy, but I no longer believe he had much to do with that when we were together.
I have no desire or motivation to pursue his motives. Let him figure out how to express them for himself if he wants to do so. It’s no longer my job to try to pry his wants or needs out of him so I can provide them.
What’s interesting is that freed of the impossible responsibility of trying to make one another happy, we seem to be able to enjoy each other more. I’m cheery and someone he trusts, he’s sweet and sort of Eeyore-ish. . . it works better this way.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.[/quote]
You and I are NOT exchanging gifts this year, silverblood.
[/quote]
WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
it fits with this years top books, “Fifty Shades of Crest”[/quote]
It’s too bad! Torture your toothpaste all you want, I’LL have no part in it!
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Well, in the case of the ex-husband I found out years after the fact, though I was enraged about that and a dozen other betrayals of various sorts. Still, it’s been more than three years and we’re intertwined in a thousand ways. Time mellows the bad stuff. Also, I’ve had a much happier three years than he has, despite some setbacks, and think he needs me. I’m probably his best friend. I know that if I needed him he’d be there, too, if he could. ~shrug~[/quote]
I understand where you’re coming from there (I’ve done the same although different of course) but do you really think that’s healthy? Do you think it’s prevented you from properly investing in new relationships?
That was always my concern.[/quote]
Not at all. There’s no element of romantic love there for me.
In many ways I don’t respect my ex-husband. In AC’s terminology, his “frame” is weak. Mine is most definitely not. I know exactly who I am and what I want and what my downsides and strengths are. He is incapable for whatever reason of doing the work needed to stop being chronically dissatisfied and unhappy. I think he and I both benefit from the security of having someone out there in the world, caring, but that’s really all it is. He checked in last night to see how the move went. That’s nice. But live with him again I will never do. There’s no temptation whatsoever. I want to fall in love with someone I can adore without reserve. That’s not my ex. He’s guarded and defensive about all the wrong things, and completely incapable of intimacy of any sort, though we do share a comfortable familiarity.
[/quote]
Is that his understanding as well or do you think he might have different motives?[/quote]
I really have no idea, and beyond occasional mild curiosity, don’t care. I spent a lot of years begging him to tell me what he wanted sexually, emotionally, and even for dinner. What I got were indications of unhappiness I worried were my fault, but no explanation of why or what could be different, and a lot of blowups that were not directed at me or anyone in particular, but that made life with him one of unending stress and confusion.
Now he’s still largely unhappy, but I’m no longer the source of it. And I’m still largely happy, but I no longer believe he had much to do with that when we were together.
I have no desire or motivation to pursue his motives. Let him figure out how to express them for himself if he wants to do so. It’s no longer my job to try to pry his wants or needs out of him so I can provide them.
What’s interesting is that freed of the impossible responsibility of trying to make one another happy, we seem to be able to enjoy each other more. I’m cheery and someone he trusts, he’s sweet and sort of Eeyore-ish. . . it works better this way.[/quote]
So is he like your beta-orbiter-emotional-sponge* now haha!?
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Well, in the case of the ex-husband I found out years after the fact, though I was enraged about that and a dozen other betrayals of various sorts. Still, it’s been more than three years and we’re intertwined in a thousand ways. Time mellows the bad stuff. Also, I’ve had a much happier three years than he has, despite some setbacks, and think he needs me. I’m probably his best friend. I know that if I needed him he’d be there, too, if he could. ~shrug~[/quote]
I understand where you’re coming from there (I’ve done the same although different of course) but do you really think that’s healthy? Do you think it’s prevented you from properly investing in new relationships?
That was always my concern.[/quote]
Not at all. There’s no element of romantic love there for me.
In many ways I don’t respect my ex-husband. In AC’s terminology, his “frame” is weak. Mine is most definitely not. I know exactly who I am and what I want and what my downsides and strengths are. He is incapable for whatever reason of doing the work needed to stop being chronically dissatisfied and unhappy. I think he and I both benefit from the security of having someone out there in the world, caring, but that’s really all it is. He checked in last night to see how the move went. That’s nice. But live with him again I will never do. There’s no temptation whatsoever. I want to fall in love with someone I can adore without reserve. That’s not my ex. He’s guarded and defensive about all the wrong things, and completely incapable of intimacy of any sort, though we do share a comfortable familiarity.
[/quote]
Is that his understanding as well or do you think he might have different motives?[/quote]
I really have no idea, and beyond occasional mild curiosity, don’t care. I spent a lot of years begging him to tell me what he wanted sexually, emotionally, and even for dinner. What I got were indications of unhappiness I worried were my fault, but no explanation of why or what could be different, and a lot of blowups that were not directed at me or anyone in particular, but that made life with him one of unending stress and confusion.
Now he’s still largely unhappy, but I’m no longer the source of it. And I’m still largely happy, but I no longer believe he had much to do with that when we were together.
I have no desire or motivation to pursue his motives. Let him figure out how to express them for himself if he wants to do so. It’s no longer my job to try to pry his wants or needs out of him so I can provide them.
What’s interesting is that freed of the impossible responsibility of trying to make one another happy, we seem to be able to enjoy each other more. I’m cheery and someone he trusts, he’s sweet and sort of Eeyore-ish. . . it works better this way.[/quote]
So is he like your beta-orbiter-emotional-sponge* now haha!?
*trademark orion[/quote]
That’s probably a fair description at this point, but we’re that for each other. On the other hand when I was head over heels with Tim for two years the ex and I were still slowly building a friendship out of the ruins of our marriage. I don’t think “beta orbiter” really holds up well into adulthood, where things become more complex than “girl wants to have safe backup while looking for bad boy.” The lack of passion was on his side, so you could possibly call me the beta orbiter through our marriage. The ever faithful side-kick while he tried to figure out what he wanted. He wrote earlier this year:
The above-quoted is one of the reasons I can be friends with him, thinking about it. It eased a lot of the hurt and anger.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.[/quote]
You and I are NOT exchanging gifts this year, silverblood.
[/quote]
WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
it fits with this years top books, “Fifty Shades of Crest”[/quote]
It’s too bad! Torture your toothpaste all you want, I’LL have no part in it![/quote]
it’s not torture. it’s physically aggressive gentle persuasion.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.[/quote]
You and I are NOT exchanging gifts this year, silverblood.
[/quote]
WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
it fits with this years top books, “Fifty Shades of Crest”[/quote]
It’s too bad! Torture your toothpaste all you want, I’LL have no part in it![/quote]
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m going to derail this for a moment to show off what I consider to be the latest and greatest is toothpaste tube-squeezing technology, the Tube Wringer. Not only does it squeeze the toothpaste to the top of the tube, but it crimps the tube as it goes. This serves 2 purposes. First, it gets every little bit of precious paste out. And second, it prevents blowback when someone squeezes the tube too forcefully.
No messy, rolled up tube. No split sides, and no waste.[/quote]
You and I are NOT exchanging gifts this year, silverblood.
[/quote]
WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
it fits with this years top books, “Fifty Shades of Crest”[/quote]
It’s too bad! Torture your toothpaste all you want, I’LL have no part in it![/quote]