[quote]csulli wrote:
You did the right thing. If you want to be with her you must end it with the current girl first and then find a way to be together with your old friend. It’s good though that you didn’t cheat. A man is nothing without his word.
How far apart do you to live now?[/quote]
About 400 miles now. But she’s finishing up school so all that can change.
And yes, I would end things with my current before starting something new. Assuming it actually went somewhere.
I’m just not sure even talking with and then meeting up with her counts as “the right thing”. Where exactly is that line that’s considered cheating? There’s a part of me that says that lusting after some random girl, and even acting on it, is far less a problem than this is. I have a longer and richer history here than with my girlfriend.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
Sorry about the wall of text. Just had to get that out. Thanks to anyone who read that. That actually means a lot to me for some inexplicably illogical reason.[/quote]
My advice (if you care): Life is short. Too short to have regrets and play the “what if” game. You need to reconnect with her, be honest with her about your feelings, and take it from there. Especially if your current relationship is less than satisfying.[/quote]
I do appreciate the advice. I’m just trying to figure out how to explore the what ifs without losing the what I haves.
[quote]csulli wrote:
You did the right thing. If you want to be with her you must end it with the current girl first and then find a way to be together with your old friend. It’s good though that you didn’t cheat. A man is nothing without his word.
How far apart do you to live now?[/quote]
About 400 miles now. But she’s finishing up school so all that can change.
And yes, I would end things with my current before starting something new. Assuming it actually went somewhere.
I’m just not sure even talking with and then meeting up with her counts as “the right thing”. Where exactly is that line that’s considered cheating? There’s a part of me that says that lusting after some random girl, and even acting on it, is far less a problem than this is. I have a longer and richer history here than with my girlfriend.
How do you see it?[/quote]
I don’t see that you did anything wrong.
I feel where you’re coming from though man. She sounds like “the one that got away” kinda. I dated a girl for several years before she ended up moving away to go to a different college and pursue her career path. She wanted to do long distance, but I broke things off. I didn’t feel like it was fair to her. Anyway in all the time I knew her she never did me wrong, and I’ve never stopped caring about her. Given my relationship history since then I’ve had a lot of “what if” thoughts. She ended up living only about 200 miles away. No idea what I’d do about any of it at this point though.
I still dream about her from time to time on the rare occasion that I have a dream. It always puts me into a deep melancholy for a few days afterwards.
[quote]csulli wrote:
You did the right thing. If you want to be with her you must end it with the current girl first and then find a way to be together with your old friend. It’s good though that you didn’t cheat. A man is nothing without his word.
How far apart do you to live now?[/quote]
About 400 miles now. But she’s finishing up school so all that can change.
And yes, I would end things with my current before starting something new. Assuming it actually went somewhere.
I’m just not sure even talking with and then meeting up with her counts as “the right thing”. Where exactly is that line that’s considered cheating? There’s a part of me that says that lusting after some random girl, and even acting on it, is far less a problem than this is. I have a longer and richer history here than with my girlfriend.
How do you see it?[/quote]
Forgive the intrusion, but let me just say that you will always regret the road not taken. When I was your age I met a young woman who would have been, I see now, perfect for me in every way. Had I gotten together with her, my life would have been markedly different than it is now. I had a “second chance” to be with her, a few years after I first met her, but by that time I was involved with another woman, and so I didn’t take that chance, much as you had with your woman. This was two decades ago and I still think about her, think about what might have been.
Incidentally, my relationship with the woman that I wanted to remain “true” to didn’t amount to anything, so in hindsight I would have been better off taking that second chance, but I didn’t, and I don’t imagine there will be a third.
You are here on this planet for a ridiculously short time, and then you are gone. Take the chances that are presented to you, or regret them afterwards.
Best of luck to you, brother. I sincerely hope that you are afforded a third chance, and that you take it this time.
I don’t see it as cheating, LoRez, though I recognize that it could have gone the other way. I’m glad it didn’t, for all of your sakes.
I agree with everyone that your relationship with your current girlfriend has sounded rocky for some time. It seems like you say “it’s not that bad” more than anyone should at your age, with no kids or joint property to make that a valid statement. I think you should get out, not because you’ve found your old friend, but because “not that bad” is not that good. If things go somewhere with the friend, great! If not, that’s okay.
Either with the friend or without, you need to find someone toward whom you can feel mutually enthusiastic love.
I have strong feelings because movers come tomorrow. I’m in despair! And I don’t even have time to process my feelings because I have to process all my stuff. And I’m tired and sort of want to cancel everything. But then I’d have to drive 125 miles back and forth to work again on Wednesday, and that’s been making me tired, too.
But meanwhile, porn came up in one of my sessions last week and I was happy that I’m such an expert. Apparently my predecessor wouldn’t “go there” at all. I was like, “oh, it doesn’t bother me to talk about porn; I know how important it is to men to talk about boning.”
…I was like, “oh, it doesn’t bother me to talk about porn; I know how important it is to men to talk about boning.”
Thanks T Nation!
[/quote]
You’re welcome, Em.
Let’s face it, you owe us. We provided all this training for you for free.
[/quote]
Oh, I know! I came here with questions and still feel like I’m learning. I’ve said more than once on these boards that my education was very lacking in masculine perspective - I am a much better-rounded clinician for being at TNation.
I think some of my puzzling success with men post-marriage may also be a result of my time spent here, though on the other hand the things that account for my puzzling success may also account for my love of TNation - an effect rather than a cause.
Still, I think you owe me, too! Haven’t I supported you all through thick and thin since 2007?
…I was like, “oh, it doesn’t bother me to talk about porn; I know how important it is to men to talk about boning.”
Thanks T Nation!
[/quote]
You’re welcome, Em.
Let’s face it, you owe us. We provided all this training for you for free.
[/quote]
Oh, I know! I came here with questions and still feel like I’m learning. I’ve said more than once on these boards that my education was very lacking in masculine perspective - I am a much better-rounded clinician for being at TNation.
I think some of my puzzling success with men post-marriage may also be a result of my time spent here, though on the other hand the things that account for my puzzling success may also account for my love of TNation - an effect rather than a cause.
Still, I think you owe me, too! Haven’t I supported you all through thick and thin since 2007?[/quote]
Absolutely.
Let’s set up a blood brother/sister ceremony for sometime soon.
Wear something skimpy.
[/quote]
I can’t; it’s cold now. You’re just lucky I narrowly escaped the clutches of the hunter guy* or I’d be wearing insulated camouflage Carhartt from hatted-head to wader-ed toes.
*Although he texted on Thanksgiving and I froze and didn’t say “leave me alone.”
Dont wanna go into to much detail but haven’t told really anyone but my mother. Me and my wife are separating after almost 6 years together 3 dating / 3 married. Always thought we would be together for ever. We started having bad issues about a year ago when I got out of the military and started working alot. She has always had jealousy issues and all the arguing and fighting has completely driven me away and I finally left as I have gotten to the point of wanting to just put hands on her which I refuse to do so this is the only option.
We have tried to fix it and she wants to but, I have gotten to the point of just wanting to be around her like this. I hope we can be friends as I love her and dont want anything bad to happen to her in any way and I pray she moves on with her life and does amazing… Unfortunately I just can’t be there as her husband any more. Not saying I’m perfect in any way and I know I’m not and am sure alot of this is my fault and wish we could go back and fix it but, its over that period now and we just need to part before it gets any worse.
Sorry for the rant was not supposed to be any where near this detailed but am working third shift by myself and have no one else to really talk to…
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t think everyone should process their feelings. Why? I only process my own if I feel they’re hindering my functioning in some way. My deal with men only came to the forefront because I’m dating with a distinct lack of cool. Prior to that I had no issue with men. I was married and didn’t flirt. It’s not like I ever cringed or cowered, I got along socially just fine with men and had no issue with it. Now I’ve noticed it’s a thing, so I’m figuring it out (actually I think I have it fully processed now).
Most of life requires little or no processing of feelings. Things like chronic illness, a child born with disabilities, unnatural death (let’s say your grandparent was driving a car and when it wrecked a piece of grandpa landed in your lap), abuse or abandonment by a parent, substance abuse in one’s self or close others - these may, depending on the person, have impacts beyond “sad” or “angry.”
I would say that the majority of people don’t need therapy, but I would say that almost all people need to learn to identify and verbalize their feelings if they plan to live well with others. Generally parents teach that, though not always. But some things can’t be verbalized to intimates because it’s too much, or they need to test it on a stranger first (coming out comes to mind).
Anyway. Talk to people or don’t! I have no strong feelings about that, but please don’t make it a matter of courage or fortitude to withstand something like the natural death of grandparents when most people manage this with little or no emotional strain:
“Nah, I can’t, my grandmother died and her funeral’s tomorrow. I’m gonna be with my family all day.”
“Oh, sorry to hear that, man.”
“Yeah. She was pretty old.”
I also experience traumatic stuff at work without seeming to need to process it with others. Honestly, when I leave work I’m usually focused on dinner regardless of the day’s horrors. No nightmares, and if I’ve cried specifically over work stuff I don’t remember it, though maybe I have, I don’t know. Many of my colleagues seem to have shit to process in meetings every single week. It irritates me, frankly. Maybe they’re in the wrong field?
That said, I’m way oversensitive to conflict at home and am a nightmare of talking in that context. But I’m talkative and extraverted, so that’s unsurprising. People I’m close to find it worrisome when I’m quiet for too long. (Like a toddler, lol.)[/quote]
Hey I get hungry after fucked up shit too! I also get a thirst for sweet iced tea, even though I rarely drink the stuff.
I go back to my taking a shit comment, in that I think I process my emotions like I digest my food, with little or no thought. Probably when I’m driving, or taking a shower. I do reflect on things sometimes but my thoughts are guided towards, “what should I do about this, if anything”, not “how do I feel about it,” because the feeling is already there, and I have the good luck to have grown into pretty well adjusted individual.
As far as your collegues being irritating, I think my collegues sensitivity is also their motivation to excell at their jobs, because they really want to help people. Except for the really panicky one, who was also extremely self centered. That strikes me as an odd combination, but anyway she quit so good riddance. My lack of sensitivity helps me to keep cool when things go to shit. But people have different strengths.
I think we agree, but have been arguing for the sake of argument, which is cool.[/quote]
This part:
Is a nice way for me to sum up what I do for a living. I help people determine the former who are mired in the latter. Sometimes the point is to accept the feeling and the circumstance. Nothing CAN be done, so now we have to figure out how to live with it. More often, though, there IS something that can and should be done and I help them determine what that is, then support them in pursuing it. It’s really little different from what I did working in gyms and a weight loss center. You want to get in shape? Here are the steps, and here is the reason these steps work (and then onto education about metabolism and muscle mass, etc). I push feelings buttons as well in talking about it ('you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll notice change"). It is much more, the way I work, about education and motivation.
I do it for me, too. I’m not after feeeeeling shit, I’m after optimizing my performance in the gym and the kitchen and my relationships and my job. I do this by thinking, not by feeling. But first I have to determine what it is I feel. Do I feel fat and lazy? Okay, time to get back to eating clean and figure out where my motivation went for working out hard, and get it back. Am I having a hard time with dating? Okay, time to think about what might be going on. First, is it them or is it me? If me, why? To me that’s processing, although the thread title was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Most of it is done without much conscious thought.
As for my work meetings, we’re all salaried and the meetings are set in stone. The purpose is to get feedback on tough cases and to vent horror, dismay, frustration if necessary. So it’s not out of line for someone to present a case and look for input or express feeling overwhelmed or hopeless (e.g. kid is being destroyed, parents just don’t get it, so hard to witness). But I deeply value competence, and there’s a point at which I question that if input is needed constantly, or if there needs to be endless emotional propping of someone in my field. [/quote]
This isn’t so intuitive to me, to say one should spend more time thinking than on feelings. I’ve realized it’s emotion rather than pragmatic intelligence/ raw logic that guides and informs our intelligence about things like our goals, deep attraction, inner pain, joy, beauty etc… Most of the things that make life worth living are linked to emotion via intelligence.
So to say you want to spend more time thinking than feeling is a little surprising being emotions inform us what to be intelligent about.
…I was like, “oh, it doesn’t bother me to talk about porn; I know how important it is to men to talk about boning.”
Thanks T Nation!
[/quote]
You’re welcome, Em.
Let’s face it, you owe us. We provided all this training for you for free.
[/quote]
Oh, I know! I came here with questions and still feel like I’m learning. I’ve said more than once on these boards that my education was very lacking in masculine perspective - I am a much better-rounded clinician for being at TNation.
I think some of my puzzling success with men post-marriage may also be a result of my time spent here, though on the other hand the things that account for my puzzling success may also account for my love of TNation - an effect rather than a cause.
Still, I think you owe me, too! Haven’t I supported you all through thick and thin since 2007?[/quote]
Absolutely.
Let’s set up a blood brother/sister ceremony for sometime soon.
Wear something skimpy.
[/quote]
I can’t; it’s cold now. You’re just lucky I narrowly escaped the clutches of the hunter guy* or I’d be wearing insulated camouflage Carhartt from hatted-head to wader-ed toes.
*Although he texted on Thanksgiving and I froze and didn’t say “leave me alone.”[/quote]
I am hoping (against hope) that Christmas won’t bring even more disconcerting communication your way.
At least he won’t know you’ve moved, I guess…[/quote]
That might have been the case if I didn’t talk so damn much. Everyone within a thousand miles of me knows I’m moving today. He knows where I work, too.
He’s been pretty quiet, so I’m starting to relax. Hopefully his attention span for drama is as short as mine.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t think everyone should process their feelings. Why? I only process my own if I feel they’re hindering my functioning in some way. My deal with men only came to the forefront because I’m dating with a distinct lack of cool. Prior to that I had no issue with men. I was married and didn’t flirt. It’s not like I ever cringed or cowered, I got along socially just fine with men and had no issue with it. Now I’ve noticed it’s a thing, so I’m figuring it out (actually I think I have it fully processed now).
Most of life requires little or no processing of feelings. Things like chronic illness, a child born with disabilities, unnatural death (let’s say your grandparent was driving a car and when it wrecked a piece of grandpa landed in your lap), abuse or abandonment by a parent, substance abuse in one’s self or close others - these may, depending on the person, have impacts beyond “sad” or “angry.”
I would say that the majority of people don’t need therapy, but I would say that almost all people need to learn to identify and verbalize their feelings if they plan to live well with others. Generally parents teach that, though not always. But some things can’t be verbalized to intimates because it’s too much, or they need to test it on a stranger first (coming out comes to mind).
Anyway. Talk to people or don’t! I have no strong feelings about that, but please don’t make it a matter of courage or fortitude to withstand something like the natural death of grandparents when most people manage this with little or no emotional strain:
“Nah, I can’t, my grandmother died and her funeral’s tomorrow. I’m gonna be with my family all day.”
“Oh, sorry to hear that, man.”
“Yeah. She was pretty old.”
I also experience traumatic stuff at work without seeming to need to process it with others. Honestly, when I leave work I’m usually focused on dinner regardless of the day’s horrors. No nightmares, and if I’ve cried specifically over work stuff I don’t remember it, though maybe I have, I don’t know. Many of my colleagues seem to have shit to process in meetings every single week. It irritates me, frankly. Maybe they’re in the wrong field?
That said, I’m way oversensitive to conflict at home and am a nightmare of talking in that context. But I’m talkative and extraverted, so that’s unsurprising. People I’m close to find it worrisome when I’m quiet for too long. (Like a toddler, lol.)[/quote]
Hey I get hungry after fucked up shit too! I also get a thirst for sweet iced tea, even though I rarely drink the stuff.
I go back to my taking a shit comment, in that I think I process my emotions like I digest my food, with little or no thought. Probably when I’m driving, or taking a shower. I do reflect on things sometimes but my thoughts are guided towards, “what should I do about this, if anything”, not “how do I feel about it,” because the feeling is already there, and I have the good luck to have grown into pretty well adjusted individual.
As far as your collegues being irritating, I think my collegues sensitivity is also their motivation to excell at their jobs, because they really want to help people. Except for the really panicky one, who was also extremely self centered. That strikes me as an odd combination, but anyway she quit so good riddance. My lack of sensitivity helps me to keep cool when things go to shit. But people have different strengths.
I think we agree, but have been arguing for the sake of argument, which is cool.[/quote]
This part:
Is a nice way for me to sum up what I do for a living. I help people determine the former who are mired in the latter. Sometimes the point is to accept the feeling and the circumstance. Nothing CAN be done, so now we have to figure out how to live with it. More often, though, there IS something that can and should be done and I help them determine what that is, then support them in pursuing it. It’s really little different from what I did working in gyms and a weight loss center. You want to get in shape? Here are the steps, and here is the reason these steps work (and then onto education about metabolism and muscle mass, etc). I push feelings buttons as well in talking about it ('you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll notice change"). It is much more, the way I work, about education and motivation.
I do it for me, too. I’m not after feeeeeling shit, I’m after optimizing my performance in the gym and the kitchen and my relationships and my job. I do this by thinking, not by feeling. But first I have to determine what it is I feel. Do I feel fat and lazy? Okay, time to get back to eating clean and figure out where my motivation went for working out hard, and get it back. Am I having a hard time with dating? Okay, time to think about what might be going on. First, is it them or is it me? If me, why? To me that’s processing, although the thread title was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Most of it is done without much conscious thought.
As for my work meetings, we’re all salaried and the meetings are set in stone. The purpose is to get feedback on tough cases and to vent horror, dismay, frustration if necessary. So it’s not out of line for someone to present a case and look for input or express feeling overwhelmed or hopeless (e.g. kid is being destroyed, parents just don’t get it, so hard to witness). But I deeply value competence, and there’s a point at which I question that if input is needed constantly, or if there needs to be endless emotional propping of someone in my field. [/quote]
This isn’t so intuitive to me, to say one should spend more time thinking than on feelings. I’ve realized it’s emotion rather than pragmatic intelligence/ raw logic that guides and informs our intelligence about things like our goals, deep attraction, inner pain, joy, beauty etc… Most of the things that make life worth living are linked to emotion via intelligence.
So to say you want to spend more time thinking than feeling is a little surprising being emotions inform us what to be intelligent about.
[/quote]
Well, the feelings are there regardless of whether one assesses them for meaning. So I feel all the time. But in my opinion a life lived at the mercy of the current feeling is a chaotic and ultimately unsatisfying one. Wonderful feelings should be enjoyed, negative feelings should be identified at the source (i.e. “why am I so angry?”) and then either be managed to either motivate change or eliminated as blocks, and mixed or confused feelings should be sorted.
Let’s say I feel “in love.” The feeling is there. But my questions to myself might be: is it really love? Not infatuation or hormones (horny)? Is it a love that’s healthy for me, sustainable, appropriate to my lifestyle? If so, what then? If not, what then?
I work with people all the time who decide they’re in love and then move in together with everyone’s kids part of the equation. Some thinking/processing effort would save a lot of grief.
[quote]Reed wrote:
Dont wanna go into to much detail but haven’t told really anyone but my mother. Me and my wife are separating after almost 6 years together 3 dating / 3 married. Always thought we would be together for ever. We started having bad issues about a year ago when I got out of the military and started working alot. She has always had jealousy issues and all the arguing and fighting has completely driven me away and I finally left as I have gotten to the point of wanting to just put hands on her which I refuse to do so this is the only option.
We have tried to fix it and she wants to but, I have gotten to the point of just wanting to be around her like this. I hope we can be friends as I love her and dont want anything bad to happen to her in any way and I pray she moves on with her life and does amazing… Unfortunately I just can’t be there as her husband any more. Not saying I’m perfect in any way and I know I’m not and am sure alot of this is my fault and wish we could go back and fix it but, its over that period now and we just need to part before it gets any worse.
Sorry for the rant was not supposed to be any where near this detailed but am working third shift by myself and have no one else to really talk to… [/quote]
I admire your recognition that things have gotten too intense for you to be together safely.
Have you thought about going to counseling together to try to iron some of this out?
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t think everyone should process their feelings. Why? I only process my own if I feel they’re hindering my functioning in some way. My deal with men only came to the forefront because I’m dating with a distinct lack of cool. Prior to that I had no issue with men. I was married and didn’t flirt. It’s not like I ever cringed or cowered, I got along socially just fine with men and had no issue with it. Now I’ve noticed it’s a thing, so I’m figuring it out (actually I think I have it fully processed now).
Most of life requires little or no processing of feelings. Things like chronic illness, a child born with disabilities, unnatural death (let’s say your grandparent was driving a car and when it wrecked a piece of grandpa landed in your lap), abuse or abandonment by a parent, substance abuse in one’s self or close others - these may, depending on the person, have impacts beyond “sad” or “angry.”
I would say that the majority of people don’t need therapy, but I would say that almost all people need to learn to identify and verbalize their feelings if they plan to live well with others. Generally parents teach that, though not always. But some things can’t be verbalized to intimates because it’s too much, or they need to test it on a stranger first (coming out comes to mind).
Anyway. Talk to people or don’t! I have no strong feelings about that, but please don’t make it a matter of courage or fortitude to withstand something like the natural death of grandparents when most people manage this with little or no emotional strain:
“Nah, I can’t, my grandmother died and her funeral’s tomorrow. I’m gonna be with my family all day.”
“Oh, sorry to hear that, man.”
“Yeah. She was pretty old.”
I also experience traumatic stuff at work without seeming to need to process it with others. Honestly, when I leave work I’m usually focused on dinner regardless of the day’s horrors. No nightmares, and if I’ve cried specifically over work stuff I don’t remember it, though maybe I have, I don’t know. Many of my colleagues seem to have shit to process in meetings every single week. It irritates me, frankly. Maybe they’re in the wrong field?
That said, I’m way oversensitive to conflict at home and am a nightmare of talking in that context. But I’m talkative and extraverted, so that’s unsurprising. People I’m close to find it worrisome when I’m quiet for too long. (Like a toddler, lol.)[/quote]
Hey I get hungry after fucked up shit too! I also get a thirst for sweet iced tea, even though I rarely drink the stuff.
I go back to my taking a shit comment, in that I think I process my emotions like I digest my food, with little or no thought. Probably when I’m driving, or taking a shower. I do reflect on things sometimes but my thoughts are guided towards, “what should I do about this, if anything”, not “how do I feel about it,” because the feeling is already there, and I have the good luck to have grown into pretty well adjusted individual.
As far as your collegues being irritating, I think my collegues sensitivity is also their motivation to excell at their jobs, because they really want to help people. Except for the really panicky one, who was also extremely self centered. That strikes me as an odd combination, but anyway she quit so good riddance. My lack of sensitivity helps me to keep cool when things go to shit. But people have different strengths.
I think we agree, but have been arguing for the sake of argument, which is cool.[/quote]
This part:
Is a nice way for me to sum up what I do for a living. I help people determine the former who are mired in the latter. Sometimes the point is to accept the feeling and the circumstance. Nothing CAN be done, so now we have to figure out how to live with it. More often, though, there IS something that can and should be done and I help them determine what that is, then support them in pursuing it. It’s really little different from what I did working in gyms and a weight loss center. You want to get in shape? Here are the steps, and here is the reason these steps work (and then onto education about metabolism and muscle mass, etc). I push feelings buttons as well in talking about it ('you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll notice change"). It is much more, the way I work, about education and motivation.
I do it for me, too. I’m not after feeeeeling shit, I’m after optimizing my performance in the gym and the kitchen and my relationships and my job. I do this by thinking, not by feeling. But first I have to determine what it is I feel. Do I feel fat and lazy? Okay, time to get back to eating clean and figure out where my motivation went for working out hard, and get it back. Am I having a hard time with dating? Okay, time to think about what might be going on. First, is it them or is it me? If me, why? To me that’s processing, although the thread title was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Most of it is done without much conscious thought.
As for my work meetings, we’re all salaried and the meetings are set in stone. The purpose is to get feedback on tough cases and to vent horror, dismay, frustration if necessary. So it’s not out of line for someone to present a case and look for input or express feeling overwhelmed or hopeless (e.g. kid is being destroyed, parents just don’t get it, so hard to witness). But I deeply value competence, and there’s a point at which I question that if input is needed constantly, or if there needs to be endless emotional propping of someone in my field. [/quote]
This isn’t so intuitive to me, to say one should spend more time thinking than on feelings. I’ve realized it’s emotion rather than pragmatic intelligence/ raw logic that guides and informs our intelligence about things like our goals, deep attraction, inner pain, joy, beauty etc… Most of the things that make life worth living are linked to emotion via intelligence.
So to say you want to spend more time thinking than feeling is a little surprising being emotions inform us what to be intelligent about.
[/quote]
Well, the feelings are there regardless of whether one assesses them for meaning. So I feel all the time. But in my opinion a life lived at the mercy of the current feeling is a chaotic and ultimately unsatisfying one. Wonderful feelings should be enjoyed, negative feelings should be identified at the source (i.e. “why am I so angry?”) and then either be managed to either motivate change or eliminated as blocks, and mixed or confused feelings should be sorted.
Let’s say I feel “in love.” The feeling is there. But my questions to myself might be: is it really love? Not infatuation or hormones (horny)? Is it a love that’s healthy for me, sustainable, appropriate to my lifestyle? If so, what then? If not, what then?
I work with people all the time who decide they’re in love and then move in together with everyone’s kids part of the equation. Some thinking/processing effort would save a lot of grief.[/quote]
That’s what I figured.
When you deal with negative emotions you introspect to figure out why you feel that way. You don’t just ignore the feelings as a solution, you understand the why and you usually reason/ hash out whether they should matter, effect you, or you should show them. Once you do this you have a sort of control, but the emotions are still there making you think about them on some level.
This is why a lot of guys talk about the guy who cares the least. A lot of guys are pretty bad about what they show. But just because someone has control over what they show doesn’t mean a lot as far as stability if the person is aware or emotionally intelligent/ whatever it’s called. It’s like showing strong when someone really isn’t, and maybe, just maybe that’s a quality that isn’t very honest.
I’m not calling myself an open book emotionally. I don’t always show a lot of negative emotions, sometimes it’s that I’m aware that showing them isn’t a good avenue, other times I think about why I’m feeling a certain way and my mulling of such feelings seems to diffuse whatever it may be that’s buggin. If I know something is embarrassing for someone I respect I’ll hold back laughter, also play off the things that I know are small but bug me in the moment all the time.
Point I’m trying to bring up is that maybe showing a lot of emotion on a guy is a good indicator of stability. The ONLY reason I think this is because some of the most calm people I have known have also been some of the most violent when they finally fly off the handle. One of the guys I worked with around a year ago was big time charming to the ladies, always seemed calm, polite, and the negatives were like water off a ducks back.
I looked him up, he was a reservist in the Army looking to go infantry after he had been working for a Chaplain. He’d always pick my brain about military stuff. When I looked him up to see how things were going I found he was in jail for assault, bit some guy in the face in a jealous fit over a lady.
Among the female friends I have, most complain that guys are either emotionally unavailable or have too many feelings. Funny thing, just this past thanksgiving a friend said specifically she was looking for one of those men without many feelings lol. There they are talking to me about my feelings about their experiences and desires lol.
I secretly wonder why the hell it is attraction, sex, lust, love has evolved to be so secret. You want your partner to have emotional intelligence about what they show, but not be a serial killer at the same time… Then it seems the smart thing to do is be forthcoming about feelings. Just doesn’t work that way though lol.
I have to get a boyfriend. As soon as my ex-husband turned on his computer this morning at 6-something, his Skype noise sounded here and I called and made him video with me so I could whine about my cold and the packing and the tape dispenser jabbing 4 bloody little holes in my finger tips.
He was a good sport, but I think he probably found the exchange fairly unsatisfying, as I did. It would have been better for me to spend that time having sex, and for him to spend that time doing whatever it is he does when he’s not listening to me whining.