[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t want them to be a focal point in my day-to-day life, that’s all. They can be a nice surprise when I know someone well enough to undress. I have sexier bras for special occasion and some of my minimizing bras are lacy and sexy, though obviously not madly so. More like “pretty” I guess.
The other reason is that I have a good body for clothes, and I like them, and reining things in a bit makes it easier to fit my preferred style of dress well.
I still probably look like a C cup, so it’s not like they’re gone. [/quote]
But now we know they are imprisoned, yearning to be free…
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t want them to be a focal point in my day-to-day life, that’s all. They can be a nice surprise when I know someone well enough to undress. I have sexier bras for special occasion and some of my minimizing bras are lacy and sexy, though obviously not madly so. More like “pretty” I guess.
The other reason is that I have a good body for clothes, and I like them, and reining things in a bit makes it easier to fit my preferred style of dress well.
I still probably look like a C cup, so it’s not like they’re gone. [/quote]
But now we know they are imprisoned, yearning to be free…[/quote]
They yearn to find someone they can like, respect, and trust, with whom they can have an intimate and satisfying relationship. THAT is what makes them feel free.
They have no interest in men who don’t fit the above description and they don’t want to alienate women by giving off a vamp vibe.
A nice secure set of boobs can be happy independent of circumstance. They hang out together, work side by side -sometimes one goes off on its own like it wants to be alone for a little while. No big deal.
It’s those crazy ones that are always jumping around and have to be in your face that you have to worry about.
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
A nice secure set of boobs can be happy independent of circumstance. They hang out together, work side by side -sometimes one goes off on its own like it wants to be alone for a little while. No big deal.
It’s those crazy ones that are always jumping around and have to be in your face that you have to worry about.
[/quote]
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t think everyone should process their feelings. Why? I only process my own if I feel they’re hindering my functioning in some way. My deal with men only came to the forefront because I’m dating with a distinct lack of cool. Prior to that I had no issue with men. I was married and didn’t flirt. It’s not like I ever cringed or cowered, I got along socially just fine with men and had no issue with it. Now I’ve noticed it’s a thing, so I’m figuring it out (actually I think I have it fully processed now).
Most of life requires little or no processing of feelings. Things like chronic illness, a child born with disabilities, unnatural death (let’s say your grandparent was driving a car and when it wrecked a piece of grandpa landed in your lap), abuse or abandonment by a parent, substance abuse in one’s self or close others - these may, depending on the person, have impacts beyond “sad” or “angry.”
I would say that the majority of people don’t need therapy, but I would say that almost all people need to learn to identify and verbalize their feelings if they plan to live well with others. Generally parents teach that, though not always. But some things can’t be verbalized to intimates because it’s too much, or they need to test it on a stranger first (coming out comes to mind).
Anyway. Talk to people or don’t! I have no strong feelings about that, but please don’t make it a matter of courage or fortitude to withstand something like the natural death of grandparents when most people manage this with little or no emotional strain:
“Nah, I can’t, my grandmother died and her funeral’s tomorrow. I’m gonna be with my family all day.”
“Oh, sorry to hear that, man.”
“Yeah. She was pretty old.”
I also experience traumatic stuff at work without seeming to need to process it with others. Honestly, when I leave work I’m usually focused on dinner regardless of the day’s horrors. No nightmares, and if I’ve cried specifically over work stuff I don’t remember it, though maybe I have, I don’t know. Many of my colleagues seem to have shit to process in meetings every single week. It irritates me, frankly. Maybe they’re in the wrong field?
That said, I’m way oversensitive to conflict at home and am a nightmare of talking in that context. But I’m talkative and extraverted, so that’s unsurprising. People I’m close to find it worrisome when I’m quiet for too long. (Like a toddler, lol.)[/quote]
Hey I get hungry after fucked up shit too! I also get a thirst for sweet iced tea, even though I rarely drink the stuff.
I go back to my taking a shit comment, in that I think I process my emotions like I digest my food, with little or no thought. Probably when I’m driving, or taking a shower. I do reflect on things sometimes but my thoughts are guided towards, “what should I do about this, if anything”, not “how do I feel about it,” because the feeling is already there, and I have the good luck to have grown into pretty well adjusted individual.
As far as your collegues being irritating, I think my collegues sensitivity is also their motivation to excell at their jobs, because they really want to help people. Except for the really panicky one, who was also extremely self centered. That strikes me as an odd combination, but anyway she quit so good riddance. My lack of sensitivity helps me to keep cool when things go to shit. But people have different strengths.
I think we agree, but have been arguing for the sake of argument, which is cool.[/quote]
This part:
Is a nice way for me to sum up what I do for a living. I help people determine the former who are mired in the latter. Sometimes the point is to accept the feeling and the circumstance. Nothing CAN be done, so now we have to figure out how to live with it. More often, though, there IS something that can and should be done and I help them determine what that is, then support them in pursuing it. It’s really little different from what I did working in gyms and a weight loss center. You want to get in shape? Here are the steps, and here is the reason these steps work (and then onto education about metabolism and muscle mass, etc). I push feelings buttons as well in talking about it ('you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll notice change"). It is much more, the way I work, about education and motivation.
I do it for me, too. I’m not after feeeeeling shit, I’m after optimizing my performance in the gym and the kitchen and my relationships and my job. I do this by thinking, not by feeling. But first I have to determine what it is I feel. Do I feel fat and lazy? Okay, time to get back to eating clean and figure out where my motivation went for working out hard, and get it back. Am I having a hard time with dating? Okay, time to think about what might be going on. First, is it them or is it me? If me, why? To me that’s processing, although the thread title was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Most of it is done without much conscious thought.
As for my work meetings, we’re all salaried and the meetings are set in stone. The purpose is to get feedback on tough cases and to vent horror, dismay, frustration if necessary. So it’s not out of line for someone to present a case and look for input or express feeling overwhelmed or hopeless (e.g. kid is being destroyed, parents just don’t get it, so hard to witness). But I deeply value competence, and there’s a point at which I question that if input is needed constantly, or if there needs to be endless emotional propping of someone in my field.
I’ve got some very mixed feelings right now. Sometimes I just act, and later try to make sense of why I did what I did.
There’s this girl I knew. I was in college when I met her, she was the younger sister of a friend; she was still in high school. We hit it off from the beginning, and saw each other nearly every weekend for a few years before we both ended up moving separate directions. It was strictly platonic for obvious reasons. It was hard when you’ve got a girl who wants you to do… something. And all that ever happened was a hug hello and goodbye. Because that’s all I could really do.
We talked regularly for a few years after that, until we eventually lost touch. We were heavily invested in each other, because of the rather unique situation, I functioned at times like a brother, a boyfriend, and a close confidant. She drove me to be better, I did the same for her. In that respect it was very good for each of us, because we fed and thrived off of the others higher standards. Several years went into this, but we never really had the opportunity to really be together. She’s really been one of the most important people in my life. I probably wouldn’t be where I am now if she hadn’t helped push me to be here.
Well… after a few years of silence, we reconnected on the phone last week. We had a couple amazing conversations that made me regret that silence. Those threw me into a whole bout of “what if” scenarios, and had me seriously questioning my current rather difficult long-distance relationship.
I decided to meet up with her.
Tonight I saw her for the first time in probably six years. We had dinner at this place with a view over the lake, great food, great drinks. We closed the place out, just the two of us. She was all dolled up, gorgeous. I even had gotten a room just down the street, basically everything in place for whatever happened. (I was visiting her so I needed a place as is.)
But things went sideways. She indicated some very clear interest, giving me a decent sized window to do something… but I didn’t. A hug goodbye is all that happened.
A girl I’d been interested in for years came back into my life and gave me that chance… and I chose not to take it. Ten minutes after we left, the “what the fuck did you just do, did you really just do that?” kicked in.
And I’m still trying to make sense of it.
I can come up with all sorts of explanations, from “things just didn’t click anymore” to “I didn’t want to cheat” to “I reverted back to my old ‘look but can’t touch’”. But nothing really fits
And so I’m laying in a nice hotel bed with an amazing view over the water trying to make sense of things.
But for whatever reason, I “know” I made the right choice. I just don’t know why.
Sorry about the wall of text. Just had to get that out. Thanks to anyone who read that. That actually means a lot to me for some inexplicably illogical reason.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
Sorry about the wall of text. Just had to get that out. Thanks to anyone who read that. That actually means a lot to me for some inexplicably illogical reason.[/quote]
Nothing wrong with not cheating.
Why you did not bone her before remains a mystery though.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
Sorry about the wall of text. Just had to get that out. Thanks to anyone who read that. That actually means a lot to me for some inexplicably illogical reason.[/quote]
Nothing wrong with not cheating.
Why you did not bone her before remains a mystery though. [/quote]
Pretty simple answer. Age, then distance. She moved to Europe for a few years after she turned 18, and I moved 500 miles away just before then.
There were other people in there but this was a fixture for about 6 years.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
Sorry about the wall of text. Just had to get that out. Thanks to anyone who read that. That actually means a lot to me for some inexplicably illogical reason.[/quote]
My advice (if you care): Life is short. Too short to have regrets and play the “what if” game. You need to reconnect with her, be honest with her about your feelings, and take it from there. Especially if your current relationship is less than satisfying.
You did the right thing. If you want to be with her you must end it with the current girl first and then find a way to be together with your old friend. It’s good though that you didn’t cheat. A man is nothing without his word.
I don’t think it was about cheating or not cheating at all. I mean sure, it worked out the right way, but that’s more an accident than anything. If there’s anyone I would end my current relationship for, it’s this.
The venue, the setting, it was great for a date. Getting to know someone or celebrating. But it didn’t work for reconnecting. There’s just too much that needed to be processed. There were six years of solid communication, then 4 years of silence. We were trying to do in a few hours what really needs a few weeks.
Probably the more important part was that I don’t think it was for the right reasons on her part. She’s having a tough time with some things in her life right now. I didn’t realize the extent until seeing her in person. What she needs is a great guy who’s there to support her as well as well as everything else; not just a diversion. Once upon a time I could have been that guy, but not today, not right now. And if I wasn’t going to be, I didn’t want to give her ideas otherwise. Of course it’s really presumptuous to think I know what’s best, but eh.
And somehow I did that without really putting any thought into it.
[quote]Chushin wrote:
I seem to recall your current relationship being shaky, if not on the ropes, so it only makes sense to consider other options.
I say good on you for not cheating, but if it were me, I’d continue to “explore” the idea of getting out of your current relationship and into one with a woman who sounds really good for you.
[/quote]
Things had improved, but the distance causes things to stagnate. We’re good in person and the few weeks we spent together last month were great. Things were moving in a good place. We’re not so great on the phone.
But that’s sort of what this was. I wanted to know if there was still something here. There could be, but it would be hard for awhile. For a very long time, I thought she was the right girl for me, but unattainable. Now that it is, I’m not so sure anymore.
It’s the lack of certainty that seems to be seeping into everything in my life. I need a healthier way to deal with it.
