[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So, um, the hunter guy texted tonight asking how I’m doing. I should just ignore it, right? There’s no need to reiterate “no thank you”?
[/quote]
For some odd reason, I dont think he is going to “get it” on his own.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So, um, the hunter guy texted tonight asking how I’m doing. I should just ignore it, right? There’s no need to reiterate “no thank you”?
[/quote]
If you have already said “no thank you,” a man at his age should understand when you do not engage him further. I didn’t read back to see exactly what you said to him, so perhaps you were equivocal. If not, then responding is not going to do anything good for either of you.
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]Severiano wrote:
If there is a rough form of chauvinism, be it sexual, religious, or national superiority, isn’t this a good place to start introspection? I mean, some of these folks acknowledge they are sexist, or have some religious zeal, or have sort of myopic international view of their nation and it’s policies.
IMO people build lies and try to live behind them, make excuses for their broken belief systems when they fail instead of re-examining them. I know it’s harsh, maybe coming from me I’ll push people farther away from their eventual cure… In the end it has to do with facing your own fears and insecurities, or lack of them when they should be there.
Instead, own your fears and insecurities. You may never fully overcome them, but you can get over on them on a consistent basis if you know what they are. You have a perfect platform for it here… Anonymity and someone who is in earnest willing to try and help.
I’m saying, try to take ownership of your fears and insecurities, lick them, and make them yours. Not at anyone in particular, just sayin… [/quote]
Not everyone who sees thing different from how you see them has issues.
My sexism for example is infinitely better thought through and internally consistent than what I believe your Pollyanna standard egalitarian narrative to be. [/quote]
Well it seems you self diagnosed yourself pretty well. You acknowledge and justify your own chauvinism. You feel chauvinism towards women because of what you believe you know about womankind as a whole. I take it you have this opinion because of what you observe about women, probably some of the things you have been able to put into practice to help convince yourself of whatever hunches or theories you have had as you say your views are consis tent and well thought out compared to what you believe my narrative to be about women, being better in memory than it actually has been.
I remember every time I’ve been rejected or mistreated by a woman. First date I ever had, took a girl to homecoming, then to the afterparty where she hooked up with the senior who threw the party. Most promising and serious relationship I was ever in was cut short by the lady’s parents because I’m American. I’ve also had a really bad experience with a divorcee. She was really pretty damaged, but I enjoyed her company and her antics very much, but then there’s lies and deception, and a woman who is damaged will try to hide those things. She acted like she wanted me to help but never let me in, in the process I grew very fucking fond of her. I made the decision to call her on her lies, it was probably the best thing I could do for her as a friend but it was also the last time I spoke with her. Those are just some of my experiences. I’m not rosy glassed.
Women can be mean and come off cold. It’s usually baggage from how they were treated, or the stereotypes that men are emotionally detached, and we can just take it because we are men. It’s expected that we dust ourselves off and try again. Kinda makes me feel like women see us as robots sometimes. When they finally meet a real motherfucker, turns out they usually don’t know what they want, at least that’s my experience. But, every once in a while you meet someone who you really click with, and all the bullshit you go through ends up being worth it.
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So, um, the hunter guy texted tonight asking how I’m doing. I should just ignore it, right? There’s no need to reiterate “no thank you”?
[/quote]
You joking?[/quote]
No! I have no way of knowing, of course, but I get the distinct sense that he feels that he’s given me time to cool off, and has cooled off himself, because he was pretty upset when I said enough the second time. I think I was extremely unequivocal:
[quote]Jason,
I want you to stop contacting me. I ended things because it all seemed way too intense on your part for people who barely know each other, and now your anger and suggestions that I’m somehow cheating on you are freaking me out.
I’ve begun worrying that I may have a situation, in that you are way over the top. I would like some reassurance that you’re in control of yourself and I don’t have to worry about that. We saw each other for two weeks. This is not the breakup of a relationship.
I barely know you and you have accused me of using you and cheating on you. This has nothing to do with other men, there aren’t any, it has to do with that I don’t feel safe any longer and just want it to stop.
Emily[/quote]
I mean, that’s a pretty clear “no,” no?
I thought we might be done when he shot off that I obviously don’t want someone who’ll treat me well (nice guy fucked over again!).
But last night he texts “mmm, shrimp are good, how are you doing?” The shrimp refer back to conversations we’d had previously, in response to which he bought some frozen shrimp.
It certainly seems like it SHOULD be a joke. And yet.
I honestly find it more than a little worrying.
Edit: it has just occurred to me that “you joking?” could be about my question rather than his bizarre tenacity. In which case I guess . . . no. 
P.S. I split the bill on dinner out, and bought rounds when we went out the second weekend. He cooked, but he’s a good distance from where I am now and I did the driving, so monetarily probably slightly uneven to his benefit. Not that I care, but it’s just more weirdness to suggest I’m “after something,” particularly as I may out-earn him. I don’t think I give off dependent vibes. Just the opposite.
Oh, orion, I was thinking about you during my drive home last night, and this men thing, and your statement that I attract immature men. I started thinking omg, how many men does he think I have access to on a day to day basis, and how deeply am I supposed to vet these guys and by what means? I mean, I don’t go out with anyone who doesn’t have a reasonable, responsible job, friends, good grooming, etc.
And then I remembered making a “dating application” with one of the adolescent girls I worked with (jokingly, and yet). On it were places for boys to list grades, relationship to parents, drug use, number of fights. At the end it requested a character reference.
Maybe I should dust that off!
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So, um, the hunter guy texted tonight asking how I’m doing. I should just ignore it, right? There’s no need to reiterate “no thank you”?
[/quote]
You joking?[/quote]
No! I have no way of knowing, of course, but I get the distinct sense that he feels that he’s given me time to cool off, and has cooled off himself, because he was pretty upset when I said enough the second time. I think I was extremely unequivocal:
[quote]Jason,
I want you to stop contacting me. I ended things because it all seemed way too intense on your part for people who barely know each other, and now your anger and suggestions that I’m somehow cheating on you are freaking me out.
I’ve begun worrying that I may have a situation, in that you are way over the top. I would like some reassurance that you’re in control of yourself and I don’t have to worry about that. We saw each other for two weeks. This is not the breakup of a relationship.
I barely know you and you have accused me of using you and cheating on you. This has nothing to do with other men, there aren’t any, it has to do with that I don’t feel safe any longer and just want it to stop.
Emily[/quote]
I mean, that’s a pretty clear “no,” no?
I thought we might be done when he shot off that I obviously don’t want someone who’ll treat me well (nice guy fucked over again!).
But last night he texts “mmm, shrimp are good, how are you doing?” The shrimp refer back to conversations we’d had previously, in response to which he bought some frozen shrimp.
It certainly seems like it SHOULD be a joke. And yet.
I honestly find it more than a little worrying. [/quote]
Uhh, you told him you feel unsafe and that what you had together was a flash in the pan. He should be leaving you alone at this point. A protective dude would be a little offended at you feeling unsafe and back off. Be careful.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
number of fights[/quote]
Is a lower number better or is a higher number better?
-
He could have read your email as “I guess I came on too quick… maybe if I just give her a little time, she’ll change her mind”. And he’s decided that it might have been enough time, and he’s just trying to feel things out. (And if you ignore him, he’ll just wait for awhile and try again… likely growing more infatuated in the process, because now you’re even harder to get and makes it more of a challenge.)
-
Responding to the text with something along the lines of “Please leave me alone” should make things crystal clear.
At least that’s how I read it.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]Chushin wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So, um, the hunter guy texted tonight asking how I’m doing. I should just ignore it, right? There’s no need to reiterate “no thank you”?
[/quote]
You joking?[/quote]
No! I have no way of knowing, of course, but I get the distinct sense that he feels that he’s given me time to cool off, and has cooled off himself, because he was pretty upset when I said enough the second time. I think I was extremely unequivocal:
[quote]Jason,
I want you to stop contacting me. I ended things because it all seemed way too intense on your part for people who barely know each other, and now your anger and suggestions that I’m somehow cheating on you are freaking me out.
I’ve begun worrying that I may have a situation, in that you are way over the top. I would like some reassurance that you’re in control of yourself and I don’t have to worry about that. We saw each other for two weeks. This is not the breakup of a relationship.
I barely know you and you have accused me of using you and cheating on you. This has nothing to do with other men, there aren’t any, it has to do with that I don’t feel safe any longer and just want it to stop.
Emily[/quote]
I mean, that’s a pretty clear “no,” no?
I thought we might be done when he shot off that I obviously don’t want someone who’ll treat me well (nice guy fucked over again!).
But last night he texts “mmm, shrimp are good, how are you doing?” The shrimp refer back to conversations we’d had previously, in response to which he bought some frozen shrimp.
It certainly seems like it SHOULD be a joke. And yet.
I honestly find it more than a little worrying.
Edit: it has just occurred to me that “you joking?” could be about my question rather than his bizarre tenacity. In which case I guess . . . no. :/[/quote]
One thing that stands out to me is the line “This is not the break up of a relationship.”.
That could mean different things to different people. From your side I see it as “we aren’t even in a relationship to be broken up”. Meanwhile, in his mind if he thought that you were in a relationship, it would mean “We are still in a relationship”.
That being said, there are a lot of characteristics of people that can be tinted in the light of their viewing. Most of the women that are attracted to me see me as protective, which I am. Unfortunately there can be a very fine difference between protective and possessive and they are easily confused. All but one woman I’ve been in a relationship with as an adult has made that mistake, and I ended up finding out by being the guy who has to confront previous guy and make it clear that their relationship is over and she is no longer “his” girl friend.
The same can be said for a lot of assets/defects like “Knows how to get what he wants”. Is that jovial and convincing or manipulative and passive aggressive? I had a supervisor once who made it clear that he prized dedication above all else. Sounds good right? Be there every day a half hour early and go that extra mile, right? Well, the reality of it was more like abandon your family. Holidays are a thing of the past. I mean, where else would you rather be on Christmas? Getting paid double time or bumming around the house with a bunch of drunken relatives?
Anyways, I’m sure you get my drift. I just hope that this situation with hunter guy works out for you. (under different circumstance I’d probably have a little talk with him :))
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Oh, orion, I was thinking about you during my drive home last night, and this men thing, and your statement that I attract immature men. I started thinking omg, how many men does he think I have access to on a day to day basis, and how deeply am I supposed to vet these guys and by what means? I mean, I don’t go out with anyone who doesn’t have a reasonable, responsible job, friends, good grooming, etc.
And then I remembered making a “dating application” with one of the adolescent girls I worked with (jokingly, and yet). On it were places for boys to list grades, relationship to parents, drug use, number of fights. At the end it requested a character reference.
Maybe I should dust that off![/quote]
That would not be very girly because it is not clandestine enough.
So, you can do this differently.
Water seeks its own level, yes, but not just in romantic relationships.
You can find a mature man via his mature friends.
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
number of fights[/quote]
Is a lower number better or is a higher number better?[/quote]
Ha! Well, she was young, so I think a lower number would be preferable. If the grades and the reference were okay, there might have been some leeway for elementary school scuffles.
How many fights have you been in, csulli?
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
How many fights have you been in, csulli?
[/quote]
Haha like one. Nobody ever seems to want to fight me 
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
How many fights have you been in, csulli?
[/quote]
Haha like one. Nobody ever seems to want to fight me :([/quote]
Yeah, that is amusing.
“Dude, what the fu…, Oh…”
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Oh, orion, I was thinking about you during my drive home last night, and this men thing, and your statement that I attract immature men. I started thinking omg, how many men does he think I have access to on a day to day basis, and how deeply am I supposed to vet these guys and by what means? I mean, I don’t go out with anyone who doesn’t have a reasonable, responsible job, friends, good grooming, etc.
And then I remembered making a “dating application” with one of the adolescent girls I worked with (jokingly, and yet). On it were places for boys to list grades, relationship to parents, drug use, number of fights. At the end it requested a character reference.
Maybe I should dust that off![/quote]
That would not be very girly because it is not clandestine enough.
So, you can do this differently.
Water seeks its own level, yes, but not just in romantic relationships.
You can find a mature man via his mature friends. [/quote]
Do I really strike you as being capable of clandestine action, or even thought?
Anyway, I don’t know, the ex-boyfriend has really decent, mature, and devoted friends, both men and women, from all phases of his life, and they were all about selling him to me. But then, there are enough good things about him that I still miss him, so it’s no wonder that other people love him, too. That fucker.
So, tonight I went to the grocery store on the way home from work and decided to put into play all the fine advice I’ve received here about finding a non-clingy, non-lunatic man. There was a guy in line ahead of me at the checkout and for the first time ever it occurred to me to look to see if he was wearing a wedding ring. He wasn’t! Okay, but they can be in relationships without being married, so I looked at his groceries. They looked pretty single-guy to me. He’s definitely not hosting Thanksgiving!
All right, then, I thought, time to make my move. So I was ready to give him the customary sustained-eye-contact thing. But he never looked at me! Initially it felt like a setback, and I blamed my bulky winter jacket because he didn’t strike me as being out of my league, but then I realized that this is exactly the cool, self-contained character I seek, the guy smart enough to give me space and not seem too needy.
But then he finished bagging his groceries and left. I’m not sure at this point how to subtly let him know that I appreciate his calm, cool demeanor.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But then he finished bagging his groceries and left. I’m not sure at this point how to subtly let him know that I appreciate his calm, cool demeanor. [/quote]
So…
Girl game?
You iz lacking it?
I never thought about it, but girl game is so goddamn passive.
Not the brutal do or die the male version is, but frustrating nonetheless.
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
But then he finished bagging his groceries and left. I’m not sure at this point how to subtly let him know that I appreciate his calm, cool demeanor. [/quote]
I never thought about it, but girl game is so goddamn passive.
[/quote]
Not to sound defensive, but I must have SOME game, or the weirdos wouldn’t be so taken with me. I think I may have a talent for kissing.
Anyway, but now I’m told the best men are the ones who aren’t chasing me. Okay! But how do I get one of them? “I see you have Pringles there. Do you like them?”
Or maybe I should go right for the kill: “I have a talent for kissing. Are those Cheddar Cheese Pringles any good?”