That picture is fabulous. Very Cbear.
I highly approve of those grades. Just think what you could do if you could focus even more of your academic talent. Perhaps take over the world?
I lifted tonight at the local.
Bench, worked up to 155x2.
then some other stuff, DEMANDING that my lats grow.
in relevant news- i have lost any tolerance I had for bullshit. And as much as i seclude myself from people, it’s still creeping in and now I’m swimming in it.
I’m ()<-- this close to disappearing. The real kind. Pack my shit and leave in the middle of the night. I fucking hate people, this idea that I have to be nice and tone down and tell people what they want to hear, or say what i mean but say it in a different way (which means that it loses half or more of my intended meaning) or not say something when i feel like i should. all of the same for “do” instead of “say.”
I’m not going to act like I know everything. I’m no longer young enough to think I know everything, and not yet old enough to feel sorry for those that do. This leaves me in a somewhat constant state of anger and frustration, and I know that people wont change even if the scenery does- but the break before it all started again would be appreciated.
nads- i grew up in suburbia, dad from small town and mom from big city. we had a big(ish) garden for many years growing up, so the process isnt new. these gardens are… HUGE.
kimba- 
haven’t forgotten about you, darling. I just hafta pull my head out of my ass.
[quote]CBear84 wrote:
I’m ()<-- this close to disappearing. The real kind. Pack my shit and leave in the middle of the night. I fucking hate people, this idea that I have to be nice and tone down and tell people what they want to hear, or say what i mean but say it in a different way (which means that it loses half or more of my intended meaning) or not say something when i feel like i should. all of the same for “do” instead of “say.”
[/quote]
I know of a place that’s far away and has nice weather where you can say what you want and if anyone has a problem with it you can either blame it on cultural differences or just say “bless your heart” afterwards and its ok…
i’ll let you know if i need a ride from the airport.
Gardening rules. Only problem is now what am I gonna do with all of these fucking banana peppers!
You had tolerance for bullshit? I must’ve missed that.
The good news is that with age comes tolerance, or at least a certain amount of apathy to the stupidity of others. Or that could just be me.
i concur with Cal…and it does start to happen in your later 20’s I find
Cal is awesome.
If the point of your speech (words/conduct) is to communicate and be HEARD then it’s a mistake to make it all about you, the speaker. You must attend to your audience. Perhaps that feels inauthentic? I find the ability to communicate effectively empowering.
If the point of your speech is to EXPRESS yourself, by all means say whatever, no need to censor yourself. But, don’t expect to be understood or expect to be able to build a relationship like that–unless of course your talking with someone who thinks just like you. But really, where is the fun in that?
Honestly, you struck me as a social person–an extrovert? You don’t like people?
It seems that as I get older, the better I get at not telling people that they’re dumb cunts and instead just being a passive aggressive bitch with a smile. Is that the kind of tolerance you’re talking about Cal?
No, what I think Cal is saying is that the tolerance comes from honestly not giving a fuck about other people who are beneath one’s notice due to a horrible case of stupid. You see them, but don’t SEE them if that makes sense.
Time is precious. I don’t waste mine on cunts.
Bear, there is really nowhere to run. Sorry.
Might be time for some Buddhist reading, CBear. Really helps me find perspective and joy in the present.
For me, tolerance and temperance have come with age. At some point, the realization dawned that nothing really matters. And so, having that knowledge, I had to decide how to approach the world. Become bitter, continue to live in my own fantasy-land believing I was the center of the world, or reach out to others with positive intentions.
One of my aspirations is to leave every social situation better than I found it. Am I successful? No. But there’s tremendous satisfaction and empowerment in swallowing negativity and spreading positivity. I must admit that this is one reason I’ve been so dismayed visiting the PW site lately.
Take care, CBear.
Kimba, I love it when you talk dirty. Rawr.
And yes, what Kimba and Snapper said. I’m reminded of a scene in The Terminator where Sarah Connor is working as a rushed-off-her-feet waitress in some shit diner. She’s having a bad day and then some snot-nosed brat dumps his ice cream in her pocket. Her collegue turns to her and says, years from now, none of this will matter. And that’s really how you have to look at these kind of annoyances.
WARNING- tl;dr
It’s gonna be hard to respond individually or in a multi-paragraph rant, but I’ll try. If I don’t write it down I’ll lose it even if it might not come out the right way the first time, and it’s here instead of my journal. So-
I had (have) a tolerance for bullshit bc of my incessant need to help people. Even when I don’t like he/she/it/them, when it’s inconvenient for me, even when it’s damaging to me in one way or another. The last part I’ve learned the hard way too many times to do too often, and the hardest lesson came in the scariest way- you all know about the stalking, but you’ll never know how bad it really was and how much it changed the way I think about things. I may not either for that matter, for years to come.
That compulsion of mine is why I stay in pharmacy even when I could so easily get paid so much more to do something else, and why I’ve chosen the career I have. Every single day in the pharmacy, I make someone’s day better and help people. HOWEVER- even that has begun to wear on me- i hate most of the medications i dispense, and the majority of patients i see have no interest in bettering themselves or receiving help because they’d rather just exist pain free- not even disease free- as long as it doesn’t hurt, it’s not a problem.
I want and need to make the world better for me being in it (narcissistic, perhaps? only, i dont mind if i dont get credit for it), every day, and not only is that happening less and less but i’ve drastically slashed the number and type of people that i spend time with.
coworkers are almost a must (i dont HAVE to work if i’m in school, i do it bc i like to do things that cost a lot of money and my pride is involved), family is a must, and the friends i actually see are few and far between. I haven’t minded any of that (i’m far from lonely) until recently (absence of school stress allowing me to see other problems?) and it seems that in any direction i turn, my small web of human relationships is contaminated with people consumed with not only destroying themselves, but other people (in one way or another).
every. single. day. i make progress toward the goals i have for myself (some of which i cant quantify or qualify because setting limits seems absurd), and it’s not always steps forward. sometimes the steps are sideways, sometimes they’re WAY out of the way, but i never quit. and some of the destructive behavior i mentioned above in my necessary-ish relationships is not outwardly noticeable as harmful but involves negligence, which is just as bad if not worse. in “Boondock Saints” the monsignor cites Kitty Genovese and the horror of inaction. I’m not referencing a similar situation, but it helps to make my point.
I cannot allow myself to be too closely tied with that, even in my family. so maybe it’s not true anger that i feel, it could very well be disappointment in the people i love, leading to frustration that i can’t help them help themselves, leading to anger- because as hard as it is for me sometimes, i still never give up.
half of my communication is expressing myself- not just putting out information and hoping the idea is received as i intended it, but also letting my word choice, tone, and body language let the receiver know how i feel about what i’m saying/doing. if it’s a situation in which i respect the audience, i will and do care about/attend to he/she/it/them. that respect is a rarity in my day to day interactions. even rarer that it’s truly necessary i restrain myself and falsely represent my feelings.
i’ve read some Buddhist ideology here and there, and it sounds like an oasis in the desert. my hangup is that i DO care, it DOES matter to me. every moment of every day matters. it’s once in a score of blue moons that i permit myself to enjoy pure apathy and it’s always followed by a brief state of zen- it’s those moments that i feel most connected with the world and its energy, but it’s perfect when it happens. I got to have that when I went to see Galileo, but came back to this burning pile of rubble and i feel like i’m seeing it more clearly now.
I perform at my collective best and feel mostly at peace when i’m able to adopt kimba’s mindset, and it feels most comfortable. I’m an extrovert when 60% of the time, and that’s the most noticeable. with what’s left, i’m observing, analyzing, and planning.
It might be the conceit and youth to so firmly believe that i can and should be making a difference, and i might grow out of it. for now, it’s as much a part of me as my tangible bits and i would be more willing to lose an appendage.
feeling it. goin to bed. shit to accomplish tomorrow.
I hope you find some peace soon. Who makes you happiest? <-don’t really have to answer on the internets. Most of the time it seems like people are really what make other people happy in the end and all of that peace of mind is just establishing the right mindset to cultivate the right relationships with the right people.
But let’s not forget the message from Jean Paul Sartre’s “Huis Clos.”
Are you familiar with that, CBear?
I imagine you, steeled against the apathy of midwestern America, running her fingers over a brick wall with eyes closed, dreaming about getting lost in some celbatic oblivion far, far away. No name, no history, a brand new story to write.
I’m ashamed to say this, but during the height of my brother’s drug addiction I actually wished him dead. That one day he would just overdose and stop torturing himself and my mother and stop ruining everyone’s lives. How horrible that I didn’t give him a fighting chance. But its true, it’s difficult to help people when they can’t help themselves, and its even more difficult to empathize with destructive behavior. You’re a far better person than I am because I did in fact just up and leave and disconnect from all of it. I tell myself I was protecting myself, but it was cowardly. Sometimes I regret it, sometimes I don’t. We all have our personal battles and we have to navigate through the personal battles of others and that isn’t easy. In the end you have to choose what’s best for yourself and extend a hand to those around you when you feel you have the strength to.
I think you have a great capacity to make a difference in this world, Cbear, because of your particular defiance. That little fire inside you that grows and recedes, it needs to be harnessed. Just don’t go burning yourself out.
Btw, I never mentioned, that photo of you is amazing!
You have a lot of “Yang” in you, lol! And for me, a “Yin” person, that’s enviable. Together we could probably take over the world! Or maybe go though a carton of smokes in a couple days. Impressive feats the both of them, i’d say.
Hey, don’t underestimate the small acts of kindness. I just went through a really stressful situation with my surgery. I’d never been under anesthesia before and had myself building up a good anxiety attack. Just having the doc and nurses treat me with real caring made a huge difference, and I know for them it was a routine, nothing experience. I’m sure that’s true for you everyday in your work, as you interact with people who are going through health problems/ aging, etc… stuff that is very difficult for them.
About training - I’m a trap bar lover myself. I just feel safer with it somehow.
Masch: You have an absolutely beautiful way of being in the world and expressing yourself.
Cbear: When my kids were little, their need for me both physically and emotionally was overwhelming at times. I remember one day, it was 5:30, my husband should have been home, he wasn’t, and I needed him because I was just done. I couldn’t take them anymore. I put them in their beds crying, closed the door to my room, and curled up in the darkest recess of my closet. And with my hands over my ears, I wept. I have often wished I was a better mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter…
It’s cliche, but you really do have to take care of yourself first. You can’t give what you don’t have.
You can make a difference. As Puff points out, you’re just not always, or indeed, rarely privileged to see it. I endorse, whole heartedly, honesty in communications. That is the respect that I show to my clients. But there is no judgment. At work, there are many days (most days) (and in the most obvious ways) it sure feels like what I do doesn’t matter. Lose a winning case because your client is too icky or scary. Win a case–client with a 35 year sentence gets a new trial–has a new trial gets convicted again and comes back to you with a 50 year sentence. He had a chance to get out of prison before he died, before he met me. And I “won.”
I think about quitting. I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t care. I practice resiliency. If there is a wall falling down, I want to be one of the people under it and pushing against it. That’s how I choose to be in the world. I want to fight. And there is much worth fighting for.
All you can do is offer your hand. And offer it again.
I sure do hope that you feel better soon.