Leaving Behind My Best Friend

[quote]philipmein wrote:
I think the best way to help your friend change his life would be to ask him what he wants. He asked about personal trainer certifications 2 years ago and you’ve mentioned how he doesn’t even want to talk about the subject now. He obviously doesn’t want that but there might be something that he actually desires for his life. Something you can help him with by enabling and supporting him.

Get him to meet you somewhere other than his parents house (force him to at least make an effort) and ask him if there is something productive that he would like to do with his life. Don’t suggest anything for him. It has to be something that HE wants.

Draw up a time line with 3 boxes: one for today, one for 2 weeks from now, and one for 2 months from now. Have him come up with things he can do in each time period that’ll get him closer to his goal. Then, ask him how you can help out. If you just assume he wants you to check in on his progress then he’ll likely be annoyed by it. But at least it’s obvious that his failures are his own fault if he asks you to check in with him on his progress and he hasn’t done anything productive.

[/quote]

This makes sense if his friend is 15 years old. Maybe 20. Not 30.

[quote]flipcollar wrote:

[quote]Madtytecurls wrote:
Man this is really sad, but I think you have convinced me flipcollar. I have never actually told my friend how his life situation makes me upset but I think I am going to later this week.

I just have to think of a way to explain it without making it seem like I’m telling him “you’re not good enough to hang out with me” which isn’t how I feel. I also want to leave the door open in case he ever does decide to turn his life around and let him know I’m willing to help so long as he’s serious about it.

I think I’m also going to try to use that “nerd vs loser” comparison to talk about the kinds of company he keeps and hope he’ll understand that a nerds are supposed to enjoy learning. I enjoy video games, and some comic books but my life doesn’t center around them because they’re not productive activities and its possible to enjoy productive activities too like working out.

Man, I really am going to need to think about how I am going to word this.[/quote]

You’re being a bit dramatic here man. This isn’t a break up. You can just stop hanging out with him. No need to have a conversation about it. You can pretty much just fade out of his life. That’s how this stuff generally works out. I’ve done this with plenty of bad influences. When he calls you to hang out, just say, no I’m busy. You do it enough, he’ll either A) get the hint and stop calling, B) confront you about it eventually, at which time you can talk to him about why you haven’t been seeing him, or C) he’s dumb as a brick, calls you incessantly, and you eventually do have to take the initiative and tell him to go away.

I am curious, and maybe you’ve mentioned this and I missed it, but how often do you see him right now?
[/quote]

You’re right it does sound a bit gay. Its a bromance for certain but I shouldn’t treat it like a break up. I hang out with him on the weekends and a couple times a week on the weekday after work.
I was thinking about telling him I’m busy but be specific saying I’m doing productive things, maybe give him the idea that maybe he should be too. I think he needs to meet somebody who was like him for a while but got his act together. I figure I’m not the best role model. I have never been exceptional at anything. I was a mediocre high school student, a pretty good college student and today I make only ok money. I was never in his shoes though.

[quote]philipmein wrote:
I think the best way to help your friend change his life would be to ask him what he wants. He asked about personal trainer certifications 2 years ago and you’ve mentioned how he doesn’t even want to talk about the subject now. He obviously doesn’t want that but there might be something that he actually desires for his life. Something you can help him with by enabling and supporting him.

Get him to meet you somewhere other than his parents house (force him to at least make an effort) and ask him if there is something productive that he would like to do with his life. Don’t suggest anything for him. It has to be something that HE wants.

Draw up a time line with 3 boxes: one for today, one for 2 weeks from now, and one for 2 months from now. Have him come up with things he can do in each time period that’ll get him closer to his goal. Then, ask him how you can help out. If you just assume he wants you to check in on his progress then he’ll likely be annoyed by it. But at least it’s obvious that his failures are his own fault if he asks you to check in with him on his progress and he hasn’t done anything productive.

But there’s nothing wrong with ending your friendship if you’re done with him. The above scenario could easily end with him getting nothing done 2 months from now.[/quote]

Sadly I have already had conversations much like that with him. We don’t just hang out at his parents house, he comes over to my place now that I don’t need to pick him up since he has his driver’s license. I have asked him what he wants to do with his life and he will give some vague answer like
“I’m going to get my cert, get my own place, have a career and things are going to be awesome!” Then life moves on and nothing happens.

[quote]Madtytecurls wrote:

[quote]philipmein wrote:
I think the best way to help your friend change his life would be to ask him what he wants. He asked about personal trainer certifications 2 years ago and you’ve mentioned how he doesn’t even want to talk about the subject now. He obviously doesn’t want that but there might be something that he actually desires for his life. Something you can help him with by enabling and supporting him.

Get him to meet you somewhere other than his parents house (force him to at least make an effort) and ask him if there is something productive that he would like to do with his life. Don’t suggest anything for him. It has to be something that HE wants.

Draw up a time line with 3 boxes: one for today, one for 2 weeks from now, and one for 2 months from now. Have him come up with things he can do in each time period that’ll get him closer to his goal. Then, ask him how you can help out. If you just assume he wants you to check in on his progress then he’ll likely be annoyed by it. But at least it’s obvious that his failures are his own fault if he asks you to check in with him on his progress and he hasn’t done anything productive.

But there’s nothing wrong with ending your friendship if you’re done with him. The above scenario could easily end with him getting nothing done 2 months from now.[/quote]

Sadly I have already had conversations much like that with him. We don’t just hang out at his parents house, he comes over to my place now that I don’t need to pick him up since he has his driver’s license. I have asked him what he wants to do with his life and he will give some vague answer like
“I’m going to get my cert, get my own place, have a career and things are going to be awesome!” Then life moves on and nothing happens.
[/quote]
Until he can give a specific answer, he’ll just keep meandering around especially given a lack of institution and inherent drive.

[quote]MrZsasz wrote:

[quote]browndisaster wrote:

[quote]MrZsasz wrote:

[quote]browndisaster wrote:
By all means make sure to not improve your life. It’s impossible to just play video games with him for a couple hours a week and not get sucked into his shittyness.[/quote]

Bullshit. If you are that weak and pathetic, so be it, but don’t make it out to be some universal law that you must be a sheep and follow the pack. All my friends are heavy drinkers, quite of few of them smoke, more than half of them regularly smoke weed and make use of other recreational drugs, none of them ever read except when they are forced to and even then, none go to the gym though none are sedentary, and half of them play video games daily.

I don’t drink in any real way, smoke, have never done drugs, I read voraciously, I train consistently, and Mario Kart on Super Nintendo was about when I realized I don’t seem to have enough fingers to play most modern games. So what am I, some super special iron willed ubermensch? I call bullshit on you, sir.[/quote]
Sheep don’t concern themselves with the lions’ roars.[/quote]

Sorry, but does that not make you a sheep in lion’s clothing who can’t help but surrender his identity to those around him?[/quote]
you’re dumb as shit lol. Read my posts again and realize I was joking

anyways, agreed with everything flipcollar said.

I actually had a similar issue today. I’ve been friends with this girl for about 4-5 years. In the past year we became close. By close I mean that she complains all the time. She got a job at the same company I did because dad is a hiring manager - she’s a lazy POS that doesn’t know anything about IT. She has continued to complain.

Only now it became a professional concern, as it truly will make me look bad if I let it continue. I definitely don’t want to end the friendship, especially seeing that she’s the only person my age here, I do enjoy her company sometimes, and her dad could help my career, but I still did. I told her nicely as I could that I can’t listen to her complain any more. She didn’t take it well.

If I’ve lost a friend over this, it sucks. However, not sticking up for myself and staying as her free Dr. Phil all the time would’ve been worse. I think just look at the opportunity costs: their company or actually being happy and successful. It makes the choice pretty clear.

[quote]Madtytecurls wrote:
Its not going to be an easy decision. I’m 30 years old, he’s 29 and we’ve known each other since grade school.

Thing is though after high school I went to college a degree in exercise science as well as the CSCS certification and he just went absolutely nowhere. The guy is really into video games which is cool because I like playing video games too. However, he’s also really into some creepy anime stuff that seems aimed at pedophiles, he also is part of the “brony” sub-culture which literally is adult men who are into the little girls show “My Little Ponies.”
I figure most of this stuff is harmless but the problem is he doesn’t have a life which surrounds any of it!

He’s 29 years old and still lives with his parents.

He’s currently unemployed and the last job he had was at Wal-Mart, he’s been unemployed for about a year and a half.

He ONLY JUST got his driver’s license a few months ago and he acts like its the greatest accomplishment of his life, sadly he has a bit of a point.

He’s told me he wants to become a personal trainer like me and I was thrilled at the idea of helping him out. I also have the certification materials for ACE which doesn’t require a college degree so I happily lent him my study materials. He seemed really determined to study and get certified and get a job in the fitness industry which made me think he’s finally getting his life around.

Problem is that was 2 years ago! ACE is one of the most piss-easy certifications to get and he keeps telling me how worried he is since he’s never been good at taking tests. He blogs on Facebook about his determination to become an ACE-certified trainer but whenever I bring it up with him or offer to help teach him the material he quickly changes the subject to anime, conventions, and video games.

I know it sounds like the answer should be obvious but this guy is literally like a brother to me, he’s just been such a complete loser in his adult life and I wish there was something I could do to help him.

Does anyone know anybody like this or has ever met someone like this? Is there any hope?

Thanks.

[/quote]

Hes a NEET. Give him or tell him to watch the anime : " Welcome to the NHK " ~ it basically will force him to confront his lifestyle.

Your his best friend the best person to give it to him raw ~ tell him why your telling him as well and leave it at that.

[quote]kinein wrote:

[quote]Madtytecurls wrote:
Its not going to be an easy decision. I’m 30 years old, he’s 29 and we’ve known each other since grade school.

Thing is though after high school I went to college a degree in exercise science as well as the CSCS certification and he just went absolutely nowhere. The guy is really into video games which is cool because I like playing video games too. However, he’s also really into some creepy anime stuff that seems aimed at pedophiles, he also is part of the “brony” sub-culture which literally is adult men who are into the little girls show “My Little Ponies.”
I figure most of this stuff is harmless but the problem is he doesn’t have a life which surrounds any of it!

He’s 29 years old and still lives with his parents.

He’s currently unemployed and the last job he had was at Wal-Mart, he’s been unemployed for about a year and a half.

He ONLY JUST got his driver’s license a few months ago and he acts like its the greatest accomplishment of his life, sadly he has a bit of a point.

He’s told me he wants to become a personal trainer like me and I was thrilled at the idea of helping him out. I also have the certification materials for ACE which doesn’t require a college degree so I happily lent him my study materials. He seemed really determined to study and get certified and get a job in the fitness industry which made me think he’s finally getting his life around.

Problem is that was 2 years ago! ACE is one of the most piss-easy certifications to get and he keeps telling me how worried he is since he’s never been good at taking tests. He blogs on Facebook about his determination to become an ACE-certified trainer but whenever I bring it up with him or offer to help teach him the material he quickly changes the subject to anime, conventions, and video games.

I know it sounds like the answer should be obvious but this guy is literally like a brother to me, he’s just been such a complete loser in his adult life and I wish there was something I could do to help him.

Does anyone know anybody like this or has ever met someone like this? Is there any hope?

Thanks.

[/quote]

Hes a NEET. Give him or tell him to watch the anime : " Welcome to the NHK " ~ it basically will force him to confront his lifestyle.[/quote]

haha i loved that anime.

I fell out of touch with all of my friends from when I was a teenager. One is in prison until 2031, others are 24 or 25 and still getting drunk with high school kids at high school parties. Is he a good friend to you? Accept him for what he’s and who’s to you, a friend you play video games with. If not then cut him lose. His lifestyle is bad but it could be a lot worse.

Wow.

What the fuck will you kids come up with next?

Any adult male who is over 24, doesn’t work a real job/go to school full time, lives with his parents and plays video games/watches anime/my little pony all day long is a fucking waste of space. How did being THAT much of a piece of shit become socially acceptable?

Seriously, WTF is wrong with men these days? On what planet would any decent parent allow this to happen?

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Wow.

What the fuck will you kids come up with next?

Any adult male who is over 24, doesn’t work a real job/go to school full time, lives with his parents and plays video games/watches anime/my little pony all day long is a fucking waste of space. How did being THAT much of a piece of shit become socially acceptable?

Seriously, WTF is wrong with men these days? On what planet would any decent parent allow this to happen?[/quote]

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Wow.

What the fuck will you kids come up with next?

Any adult male who is over 24, doesn’t work a real job/go to school full time, lives with his parents and plays video games/watches anime/my little pony all day long is a fucking waste of space. How did being THAT much of a piece of shit become socially acceptable?

Seriously, WTF is wrong with men these days? On what planet would any decent parent allow this to happen?[/quote]

This x a shit ton

He’s never grown up. Shame on him, shame on his parents. I bet somewhere his mom still has a bunch of his 9th place and reserve-honorable-mention ribbons.

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Wow.

What the fuck will you kids come up with next?

Any adult male who is over 24, doesn’t work a real job/go to school full time, lives with his parents and plays video games/watches anime/my little pony all day long is a fucking waste of space. How did being THAT much of a piece of shit become socially acceptable?

Seriously, WTF is wrong with men these days? On what planet would any decent parent allow this to happen?[/quote]
lol

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Wow.

What the fuck will you kids come up with next?

Any adult male who is over 24, doesn’t work a real job/go to school full time, lives with his parents and plays video games/watches anime/my little pony all day long is a fucking waste of space. How did being THAT much of a piece of shit become socially acceptable?

Seriously, WTF is wrong with men these days? On what planet would any decent parent allow this to happen?[/quote]
He just hasn’t had anyone try to stab him yet. One good stab in the butt will get his shit together. That or he’ll simply end up bled out through his ass.

Quick update on this whole dilemma. I recently told him I am not going to either the Anime convention or Bronycon with him later this year. I didn’t tell him that it was because I no longer liked him as a friend but I told him that I am just busy trying to find a new job and moving (which is true).

He was really upset since he told me he really wants me to get into the convention and anime scene since he knows the inner nerd in me would love it. I explained that I just have too many real life responsibilities to worry about right now. This was a half-truth as while it is true that I do have real life responsibilities, I still have plenty of leisure time that I would rather not spend with anime or My Little Ponies. My leisure time is spent working out and playing video games.

I spoke with his parents actually. Like I said before I’m almost like a son to them so I can speak with them about anything and they are also concerned about him. I recommended they talk to him about threatening to cut him off if he didn’t start studying for the ACE exam or do something at least that would allow him to be independent. I told them they should support him in helping him get his own place, help him find a job, and even help him study if necessary but they shouldn’t be supportive of him when he just sits around all day doing nothing but anime, fighting games and Bronies.

That is another point I forgot to mention, he pretty much only plays fighting games. I figure if he can spend all those hours memorizing tedious button combinations for executing combos then he can study a piss easy certification exam.

[quote]audiogarden1 wrote:
Serous question to OP and CSulli:

The day you’re hanging out with your boy and he breaks out a couple of My Little Pony dolls and starts neighing and brushing their hair and shit, how the fuck do you continue being friends with that person?[/quote]
I LOL’ed hard

[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Wow.

What the fuck will you kids come up with next?

Any adult male who is over 24, doesn’t work a real job/go to school full time, lives with his parents and plays video games/watches anime/my little pony all day long is a fucking waste of space. How did being THAT much of a piece of shit become socially acceptable?

Seriously, WTF is wrong with men these days? On what planet would any decent parent allow this to happen?[/quote]
This X 1,000,000
I was wondering when the voice of reason would show up.
Reading this thread, it’s no wonder this country is falling apart.
My little ponies for crying out loud?!?!
WTF

Can you tell us the titles of some of the series he’s into that you’re worried about? Have you tried to find some middle ground, like in badass anime like Golgo 13?

If it’s something like Ro-Kyu-Bu then just try to appreciate it for the basketball and protagonist who can do 1-arm pushups.

A show primarily focusing on female protagonists doesn’t mean it’s only for girls to watch. Spike’s a bro dragon and his obsession for gems is hilarious. If he’s spending too much time on interests you have no interest in sharing I can understand growing apart, you’re not obligated to force yourself together because of your history, but it would suck if you intentionally abandon him in regard to any interests you guys do retain in common (like gaming) for essentially unrelated stuff that isn’t hurting you.

[quote]He’s 29 years old and still lives with his parents. He’s currently unemployed and the last job he had was at Wal-Mart, he’s been unemployed for about a year and a half. He ONLY JUST got his driver’s license a few months ago and he acts like its the greatest accomplishment of his life, sadly he has a bit of a point.[/quote]Sounds rough.

[quote]He’s told me he wants to become a personal trainer like me and I was thrilled at the idea of helping him out. I also have the certification materials for ACE which doesn’t require a college degree so I happily lent him my study materials. He seemed really determined to study and get certified and get a job in the fitness industry which made me think he’s finally getting his life around.

Problem is that was 2 years ago! ACE is one of the most piss-easy certifications to get and he keeps telling me how worried he is since he’s never been good at taking tests. He blogs on Facebook about his determination to become an ACE-certified trainer[/quote]How fit is your friend? As easy as ACE may be, perhaps he lacks confidence pursuing it because he doesn’t want to spend money (which being unemployed, he may not have much of) for something he doesn’t think can earn him money, since certified or not, if the trainer doesn’t look fit, most people won’t want to hire them.

Well first, try not to think of him as a ‘complete’ loser (he did at least win at getting a driving license) since he might pick up on that attitude. If our friends have exaggerated CD-thinking about us then we are also prone to indulging in it, and the last thing he needs is giving up on himself.

I’d just keep sharing the stuff you have in common (interest in fitness and games, sounds like) and if you’re not interested in discussing anime or conventions, you can just say so. There might also be ways to bridge the gap in terms of interests. You could for example, move to conversing about anime that have muscular characters (such as the Strongarm Alchemist) to get him enthusiastic about fitness.

If he wants to attend anime conventions (or even brony conventions) get him interested in how he could cosplay a muscular character and help set an example that geeks can be fit.

As for the ACE thing, it’s all well and good but he should probably keep his options open and try to learn a trade or something along those lines. If he’s not passionate about most careers, if you could mention what anime series he’s into maybe somebody would know a character in one with a career he could try to emulate. Winry Rockbell is a mechanic and prosthetics expert, for example, basically real careers.

Heck even going pony-wise, though I’m doubtful this guy would be a fashion designer like Rarity, maybe he could go work on an apple farm and learn to make apple pies or some shit. Then go burn off the carb by dashing up hills 20% faster. Perhaps if he aimed to seduce some special pegasister via a pie-tea party combination he would be more motivated to do other things to better his life.

[quote]Does anyone know anybody like this or has ever met someone like this? Is there any hope?[/quote]There’s always hope, but there’s also never any guarantees.

As hard as it may be, you should stop hanging out with this guy. Nothing good will come out of you continuing to hang out with him. He will only drag you down and not allow you to achieve greater things. Like Marzouk said, you become the top 5 people who you spend time with. He has nothing to offer you except memories from growing up, which it seems he never did grow up.