I created this new account to ask this question because I don’t really want any T- Friends to know who I am because I’d be embarressed.
Basically I feel asbolutly awfull about something I did in the past. I can’t stop thinking about it, sometimes my brain feels “pumped” from all the worrying.
About three years ago I was in a nightclub with a few friends when this girl comes on to me and starts flirting. I go along with it (why not) and before I know it, we are kissin on some seat. After a while we decide to go back to my place. She tells me before sex that shes engaged and has two kids! I tell her no way, I can’t do this and then she tells me " But i Don’t love him" For some reason I interpreted this as “its ok, shes not really in a relationship if she doesnt love him, go for it.”
Of course this was me thinking with my dick. Afterwards, she went back to her home up the North and i Broke off all contact with her. I wanted nothing to do with her.
This happened three years ago. I was 21 at the time, and I didn’t think much about it because i was young, immature, free and single and probably drunk. I cant remember all the details.
Now I am 24 and i have a serious relationship and I’m feeling regret. And I don’t know if i can accept what i did. I feel like I am a scumbag that doesnt deserve happiness in a relatonship. I worry about that man and his two kids up the North, will he be played by some careless woman for the rest of his life? I am ashamed that I was part of her making a fool out of him. I am ashamed that I was weak, and had sex with his Fiance. That last line disgusts me.
I am disgusted
I keep thinking of some decent man up the North with 2 kids, and a cheating fiance, and he doesnt know any better. I feel like he deserves to know the truth but I can’t find him. I don’t know how to deal with this guilt. I used to like who I was, now I dont want to be on my own. I’m nearly crying as i type. If i Had the morals that I Have now back then, I would have kicked that bitch out, and rang her boyfriend off her phone.
But I was 21 and sexually inexperienced, a bit drunk and pathetic. I dont know how to be happy again. I dont want to become clinically depressed, and anxious. I used to enjoy being a positive person. Now whenever I try to be happy this guilt drags me back. A few freinds of mine told me that she was the one in the wrong, that she lured me in and she “knew what she was doing. You were single, you didnt cheat, she did”
But I still feel wrong. I cant get this cloud of misery off my shoulders. I need a different perspective on the situation, one that will help me to get over this.
If you can offer any advice on dealing with guilt I would more than appreciate it. Its effecting my entire life.
I feel like this is something that “isnt who i am” but i cant get away from the guilt. I used to take pride in being a generally decent person, but this memory shakes my foundations. It challenges the way i percieve things, it makes me feel unacceptable, immmoral, prick, fuckin stupid. I dont want to feel like that dickhead who slept with a man’s woman.
I would never approache another man’s woman. Never. Ever. its not something I would ever thought i would do. Its something i take serious, and this memory shakes my whole fuckin life.
The longer this goes on, the more I forget about the details of that night. And the more ambiguous the situation becomes. More to worry about.
Lately I honestly cant remember if she told me before or after sex that she was engaged and had two kids.
All i remember saying was “no i cant do this” after she said it. Im thinking about it so much that anything else is exhausting
She really didnt give a shit. I do.
Can anyone help with this mess, i feel like a cunte.