I was involved with a female co-worker for a little over a month. She initiated everything, but I had been crushing on her for months prior to that. She was the first person I’ve ever dated. Because of my inexperience, I made constant mistakes in dealing with her, including being timid to the point of acting disinterested. I often acted like I just wanted to be friends and made her do most of the flirting. I really liked her, but I don’t know whether she knew how I felt because I worked hard to conceal it. She’s wicked smart, so she may have still picked up on it.
Our workplace closed last month, and most workers there including me were laid off, but she was transferred to the company’s other site because she was a top performer. Seven weeks ago, while we were still seeing each other, I asked her to pull strings at the new site to get me hired there. The only reason I wanted to go there was that she was going. She agreed to do so. We never spoke of the matter again.
The following week, she suddenly went cold and started pulled away. Being a timid little bitch, I tried to play it off like it didn’t bother me and I just wanted to be friends all along. The next thing I knew I was thoroughly friendzoned. A few weeks later, she gossiped to our group of co-workers that she was having sex with someone else. I don’t know whether she thought I wouldn’t care or didn’t care how it made me feel, but it was the most excruciating pain I ever felt.
At that point I stopped communicating with her and pretty much distanced myself from her as much as possible. I asked her to remove me from our group text and stopped sending my usual nice guy texts asking her how her day was a blah blah blah. One painful morning I knee-jerked into unfriending her on Facebook, then regretted it since it’s my last connection to her, and sent her a friend request with an apology, which she accepted. The next day she invited me to drive with her to visit a mutual friend in the hospital; I sucked it up but it was torture and I was very distant the whole time.
The day after the hospital, she called me and told me she could get me a job at the new site where she works (normally laid off employees have to wait at least six month before they can re apply, but she got approval from the GM to get me around this restriction). I replied that I already had another job offer and that “I’d rather smash my nuts with a hammer for 40 hours a week than work there again.” I didn’t really mean it, and was just being a smartass, but that comment set her off and caused her to rescind the offer and tell me I shouldn’t come in to interview.
I feel really, really, shitty about this. I did it because I was in emotional pain over her rejection of me and channeled that pain into a stupid ass snarky comment that she took as me spitting in her face. I texted her an apology a few days ago and she didn’t reply. I get it. She did this for me as a friend even though I’ve pretty much stopped being one. It just hurts so fucking bad that I love this person and she’s not even cool with me anymore.
Here is my dilemma. Even though her fling with the other dude is now over, I wouldn’t even think about trying to interest her in going out again at this time because I already know the answer. I also don’t want to be friends because despite the differences between us that make us incompatible, I’m still too fucking attracted to her and in my mind she is still firmly classified as a love interest. I wonder if maybe one day I can get over my attraction to her and accept her as a friend. She’s really good to her friends, and was to me when I acted like one. Maybe if I tried to be a friend and accept the pain I would eventually get numb to it?
If I don’t do something I’m going to lose her from my life altogether forever. Maybe that’s what some people would argue needs to happen and therefore I shouldn’t try to obtain her forgiveness. Right now all I want is for her to tell me she accepts my apology and that we’re fine, and then I can somehow move on with trying to move on. Should I try to call her in a few days and talk to her directly? Should I tell her that the reason I acted that way is that I have feelings for her and don’t want to be her friend? Maybe just wait a few weeks/months and then call to catch up and act like it’s no big deal?
As you can see I’m going nuts. I just want the pain of this to go the fuck away bro.
Help.
Tl;dr: I done fucked up on every possible level with this one. how do I still get her to have sex with me?