Anybody out there find it hard to make friends? I find it nearly impossible almost everywhere I go. I have a few friends, but none really close. Everybody seems to have their own group of friends. My wife and I have noticed it’s really hard being “accepted”. I am an avid mountain biker and sometimes I’ll ride with groups but usually by myself. It’s hard to get into one’s group. Doing some painful self evaluating- I have come to the conclusion…that I just don’t fit in. Do you ever go to the beach, movies, vacation, school, ect and see people together and kinda feel left out? I wonder how all these people met each other. It kinda pisses me off as well. I finished elementary school a long time ago and yet I see grown adults participating in “clicks”. I’ve always been my “own man” and have never adhered to the norm of the crowd. Sometimes they are like sheep meaning they all do the same thing—it’s like they don’t think for themselves. Are you like this? Are you one these people? Am In pain? Yes I am. I have never been accepted my whole life in school or other groups, even sports. Anyone else out there feel like me?
Most people fit in with crowds because most people are shallow, booring, and unintelligent, and require the approval of other humans to continue existing. I have yet to meet one person for whom I had a bit of respect who didn’t say something like “I can count the number of real friends I have on one hand.”
Of course, there ARE pathological individuals who can’t get along with anyone, and I’m not including those individuals among me ‘respected’ list, but people who require depth and honesty in relationships quickly realize that there are only a small number of people in an average lifetime that can share such depth and honesty with you.
Then again, there’s another type of person…the kind who can make friends with almost any group of people, at least in the short term, yet still maintain depth and honesty with a small group of close friends. I must say I am in admiration of such people…
Okay, I was really tempted to just leave this for the ironic humor of it all, but we don’t need someone else running around out there with a complex.
I think we can all feel out of the loop now and then. I know that I feel the same way many times, never really having all that many close friends when I was in college. I’ve talked with people who have moved cities and they say the hardest part is making friends. That’s because it’s easier to just sit there than to actually step out and meet people. But the thing is, there is a big difference between not being able to be make friends and being left out of the loop and being left alone because you are anti-social, you have a shitty personality, or are just weird. You have to make sure you don’t fall into the second category.
If you want to make friends and you don’t fall into the a-hole department, go out and find something you like. Most people are really pretty good when you get to know them. Try signing up for a sports league wherever you live, many times they’ll put lone players on other teams. Go out to a sports bar and look for others who cheer on the same team. Go golf as a single. You always get paired up with someone there. Just don’t sit there and read this website and expect your new best friend to come knocking on your door. Jehovah Witnesses, Girl Scouts, and Salesmen make shitty friends.
Hey I’m with you. Its hard to make a friend and in social functions with a bunch of unknown people, I use to be the only one not in a “click”. Then I realized all it took was to look to your left or right and say “Hello how are you” and put your hand out for a shake. Everyone is in the same boat well except pretty people (specifically pretty women 
). What ya got to loose to be open.
Nah - never have felt “left out”. While the times I spend with Ko and the “kiddies” (our five birdies) is something that I look forward to (since you know, he is my best friend/bud), I really enjoy the times by myself. I very rarely require the company of others to feel “included” or “whole”. And I agree with elegua, most people are shallow, boring and require some type of “approval” from others. Do you want to be this way?
Ko and I have a close circle of friends - and we have met others from this forum that we have welcomed into our lives. This close circle of friends share very similar interests and are such good people it's just such a joy to be around them. Either we're hanging with one/two of these people or we're alone. I really wouldn't want it any other way.
I just remember a line from a movie, where one of the more shallow characters exclaimed: "you've just embarrassed me in front of a few hundred of my close personal friends." Uh huh.
people are strange when you’re a stranger…
I think your only problem is that you need to re-think the group dynamic. Like you said yourself, “sometimes they are all like sheep…”. This can work to your advantage and disadvantage. Don’t expect anyone person in the group to bring you in just because you know them, he/she doesn’t want to risk the disapproval of the group. However, if you mingle around and get to know everyone on even the shallowest basis, the converse may also be true.
I agree wiht the above and would add that I too amd a fringe dweller for various reasons
I
a. didnt finish school, so did not form a cohort there, and moved all my life.
b. do not enjoy or participate in sports.
c. do not participate in an SUV 2 kids and a dog house in the burbs consumer nightmare.
d. too old to be an X’er, too young to be a Boomer (tweener generation)
d. too educated to hang with blue collar
e. too eccentric to hang with intelectuals
f. too unattractive to hang with the beautiful people
g. too boorish and aggressive to hang with the artist types
the list goes on…
I have been exactly the same my whole life as well. This is it in a nutshell- most likely you are more of a individual than most other people in your own age group. That alone will automatically alienate you to a certain extent; then if you have a highly individualized moral set it is even harder to find people who aren’t intimidated by you, because you are most likely very sure of yourself. Next if you lead an active lifestyle like most T men/women do then your group of potential friends is even smaller (especially in the US where most are grossly overweight and out of shape). Don’t ask me why people who are completely non-active hate active people… I tried to make a nonactive “female friend” see the benefits of being healthy and she just didn’t get it. I think it’s just one of those things you have to find out for yourself (unfortunately some people let themselves go past the point of no return) Then if your like me and someone screws with you, you do not give them a second chance… and guess what? Most people don’t deserve one anyway! Don’t get me wrong I love humanity and believe in everyone’s potential to be a great individual, but most people don’t find themselves as early as people like us do… they will find themselves eventually but right now they are sheep. Don’t loose hope though, you’ll find more people like yourself over time. I’m one of them!
Yeah I always felt like I never belonged. My friends in high school would always desert me when they would go chase the girls. It seemed that I am to Haole for Hawaii and to Japanese for the mainland. I just wonder how other mixed race people get along.
I think that you need to re-evaluate yourself with the mindset of ‘I don’t fit in…relative to who?’ (if you put me amongst a group of Goths, that would apply to me too). I personally, have never found it hard to make friends, and I would categorise myself as Elegua’s 3rd Paragraph analysis. You need to understand that within each clique, there is a history behind each member, i.e. how they got together, which members form the strongest bond, and who is THE STRAW that stirs the cup, and brings everybody together (would they even get together if it weren’t for you??) It will Always be kinda difficult to be fully accepted if you haven’t bothered to give them the time of day, because you have ‘I don’t wanna be categorised as a sheep’ mentality. To the ‘Clique’ they are thinking, ‘Since we don’t really know him, is it that big of a loss if we were never to see him again?’ So in a sense, you do need to be more open minded and accept that not everybody is going to think like you, and just let go for a while…conversate in topics that you wouldn’t normally talk about. Gradually, by spending time with you, they get to learn what is the REAL you, your mannerisms, your humor etc…It’s these Key elements that build your personality to someone, and in turn, have them open up to you.
Do you think it’s easy for people like us who may eat healthy 24/7, 6x a day, to be with people who don’t care about their physique, health, eat 2-3 x a day, with each meal being a Burger King or KFC? It’s not easy, but then again I wouldn’t expect them to revolve their social calendar around me. So again, it’s about compromise…Making friends is kinda like finding a partner…It comes when you are not looking for one.
I think that is “cliques” that they are participating in…
Acceptance generally comes when you are able to make others feel comfortable with you. That is an art that needs to be learned and fostered. Some people have the gift to walk into a room, make small talk with anyone, make everyone they talk to feel important and interesting, and leave having met a lot of people. That’s not to say that they hav become close friends, but they are able to establish a conversational comfort level very easily. I’ve always envied that gift, but have now come to realize that it is an art that needs to be nurtured just like anything else. It does take a lot of guts to walk up to strangers and converse, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. As for fostering really close friends and feeling accepted in groups, just remember one thing–most people don’t enjoy the company of negative and pessimistic people. The more optimistic and positive you are in your group situation, the more fun you are to be with. The more fun you are to be with, the more people will want your company.
Friends will help you move — real friends will help you move bodies.
You problem is you are not a follower and you are not yet a leader. You talk about sheep and your dislike of them. So are you will to take the time and energy to develop sheep of your own? It take a lot of work. As stated above you may want to study group interactions so you can approach it rationally.
By the way, I too am an outsider. I “visit” many groups to assist me in accomplishing my goals, but never fully join them.
To kill the pain, take a step back and do some self discovery. Check out Empires of the Mind by Dr. Dennis Waitley. It is worth your time. Best of Luck.
I was that way until I got into a business association that really goes into personal growth. There’s a lot of resources that will help you. But first you need to change your thoughts of yourself. Self-talk is powerful. The same thoughts that say “that damn bar is going to move or I’ll kill myself attempting it” is the same method to make yourself into some one who can relate to virtually any body. Try “How to Win Friends and INfluence People,” and “How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing With People.”
I’m deaf…am always being/feeling left out
You can probably figure out from my handle, that, I too, am an avid mountain biker. Ive actually met a few people on the trails but I also race and am on a team, which I found to be a much easier way to make friends.
Like others have said - joining groups or clubs involving activities that you enjoy.
I have often contemplated how it is rather difficult to make friends after leaving the school setting. It seems that there are lots of ways to meet men/women for dating purposes (personal ads, singles groups, etc) but not too many groups that focus on adults meeting other adults for friendship purposes. Don’t know why.
I can empathize with your situation, but don’t get sucked into the trap of thinking everyone that is part of a group is a sheep. I have been fortuate in that I get along easily with most people. I don’t sacrafice what I am interested in or my values because of that, quite to the contrary I’ve found most people who get along with everyone are the least sheep like. My triathlon friends find my views on philosophy fascinating, my religious friends find my triathlon background very interesting. It’s important to remember that everyone can feel like they are the only one who understands where they are coming from, and most of the time they are. No one can REALLY understand you. There are things I don’t like about my fiancee and things that are weird or different about every one of my friends, but those things don’t keep us from forming cliques. It’s our enjoyment of each others company and compassion for each other that keeps everyone coming back for more. I know this post isn’t filled with practical How to Win Friends and Influence People Advice because friendship isn’t about things you can do, it’s a state of mind. If I can offer any practical advice it’s read the Dali Llama’s book the art of happiness, nothing makes friends like empathy and compassion. I know it’s hard to break into groups but once you do it has a snowball effect.
Don’t feel bad. Most people are assholes. If the assholes were required to wear signs that said “I am an asshole”, then it would be a simple matter to stay away. The problem is having so-called friends (or spouse) turn into assholes. Then, my friend, you realize that all that friendship/trust crap isn’t really worth it.
Get a good dog and enjoy life.