Advice re: Friendship

Off Topic
1

(This post is directed at older, more mature t-maggers, those who’ve been through these situations)

At what point do you stop being close to a friend?

I’ve had 2 nasty breakups with friends, close friends, in the last few years.

Nasty meaning I still think about it once in a while, nasty meaning if I saw them I’d want to punch their face in. Both of these occurred over the phone btw, and they said things to me I doubt they would ever say to my face.
1 occurred directly by way of a wife, the other by a GF combined by mistakes by me.

1 of them, Rob, was someone I honestly felt was going to be a friend for life - but his wife intervened. THat one was tough to take.

The upside of the other one caused by my mistakes awa the GF was I truly learned a LOT from it. What I learned I don’t think is that relevant to this discussion, so I won’t talk about it. But it was positive in the sense of a life lesson learned.

My dilemma is this: I’m approaching the point with my other close friend, Eugene, where every time I talk to him I can barely tolerate him.

He is the most self-centered person I’ve ever known, he cannot tolerate any criticism even if its from the people who know him best, he is often difficult to hang out with since he refuses to go to places he doesn’t like and if he does, he whines like a baby. He is incredibly immature.

I also cannot stand most of his GFs btw, which is a HUGE factor in my mind considering the 1st 2 breakups I mentioned.

Finally, I don’t think there is anything I’m gaining from our friendship. I just don’t see any upside in it, I don’t see how its beneficial to me. I think its beneficial to him in some ways, probably more than it is to me.

But there is a flip side: he is very loyal, and we are comfortable around each other, since we’ve been buddies for 9 years now, since we were juniors in college. Its nice to know you can kick back with a buddy who you trust, who won’t judge you too much; that’s part of why one remains friends with someone, right?

ANother positive upside is that I have become friends with just about all of his friends (he tends to be a friendly guy). 2 of them I’m very close to, and another 1 or 2 I get along very well with.
He has not become friends with any of mine I should add.

I’m closer to 1 or 2 of the guys I met thru him than HE is btw.

SO know you’ve hopefully understood both sides.

Also 3 out of the 4 friends I’ve mentioned he is angry at because they barely call him anymore or return his calls.

So they’ve decided to distance themselves from him.

Why haven’t I done the same thing? I guess out of loyalty, and for the fact that we’ve been friends for a long time.

After writing this, I think I’ve found the answer. Its time to distance myself from him.

But your thoughts would be appreciated.

2

Unfortunately, people change as they grow older, and sometimes you just plain don’t end up going anywhere near the same places.

My advice? Don’t turn it into a breakup. Just let him drift off if that’s where he wants to go, and don’t work overly hard at getting together with him. There’s no reason why the friendship can’t be back-burnered without destroying it.

3

[quote]CDarklock wrote:
Unfortunately, people change as they grow older, and sometimes you just plain don’t end up going anywhere near the same places.

My advice? Don’t turn it into a breakup. Just let him drift off if that’s where he wants to go, and don’t work overly hard at getting together with him. There’s no reason why the friendship can’t be back-burnered without destroying it.
[/quote]

CDarklock summed it up nicely. If he is a true friend, the friendship will stand the test of time and distance. My best friend lives in S. Florida and I live in S. Carolina. I hadn’t seen him in like 2 years. When I went down to visit last month, it was like I had just seen him yesterday. We got caught up a little on what each of us had been doing for the last couple of years but, other than that it was like there was no absence in the friendship.

Basically, what I’m saying, is that if he is a good friend, the friendship will survive being on the back burner for a while. Maybe, you are around this friend too often and now all of his quirks and mannerisms are what is bothering you. Then a break from each other might actually help the friendship.

Just my $.02

4

I would go for the backburner advice also but unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn’t respond to well to that. Putting a friendship in the background is something both people have to be okay with and normally ends up in the friendship fading soon after. Oddly enough, sometimes they come back hotter than ever though, and those are friends worth keeping. The truth is, if you can’t have a conversation with him without flaming up, it’s time to move back a little, to a tolerable level. A man’s choice of mate btw is also a strong indication of who they are, if you consistently find yourself disliking someone’s choice of mates, then chances are there are some very acute differences between the two of you. In the end, I think loyalty is a key characteristic to any meaningful relationship, but it simply can not be the base of one. Think of loyalty in terms of habits. Are you the kind of person who will continue to do something you don’t like because you don’t want to change your habits and go through the effort of reestablishing new ones?

Best of luck. J.

5

He is the most self-centered person I’ve ever known, he cannot tolerate any criticism even if its from the people who know him best, he is often difficult to hang out with since he refuses to go to places he doesn’t like and if he does, he whines like a baby. He is incredibly immature.

Sonny, why would you subject yourself to that? Even for the positive reasons you listed it doesn’t seem worth it. The one constant in life is change. People come into your life and people drift out. The ones you can really relate to and respect are the ones that will last. Enjoy the others while they last, but let them go when the time comes.

6

Thanks for the responses guys.

A friend told me today he wishes he were 23 again (he’s 28) becuase he could have 5 years to do things differently and better.

He knows its not healthy to think that way and have regrets, but he brought it up anyway. I told him: “No way. I’m so much wiser now than I was 5 years ago, and that
is invaluable. No way.”

One of the things I’ve figured out is how important the people we associate with are because they have an enormous influence on us, most of it subconsciously. The younger you are, the more easily you are influenced by others.

That’s why if you want something in life, you should associate with those who have already reached that goal as well as those who are trying to reach it and share your same mindset.
They can help you get where you’re going.

Right now, Eugene isn’t helping me get anywhere.

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1 more thing re: wisdom that comes with life experience. I now recognize how different my life would have been if I had hung out with a different clique in HS. My first year, I was friends with some high achievers, guys who studied seriously, did debate team, etc. They ended up going to colleges like Cornell and Wesleyan.

Sophomore year, I changed my circle of friends, to slackers and low achievers, and we all ended up the same way: mediocre grades, decent SATs, state colleges and crappy private schools. (Not that I regret going to UMass, it was awesome!)

Actually, the high-achievers probably dropped ME out of their circle. Fuckers!

Nerds!

Ah well…no use thinking about what might have been.
SOmetimes its just too painful, you know?

Like there was a 5’10 blonde from Iceland who I should have…F#ck! I’m going to stop thinking about her!

No remorse, no regrets