I can agree. Since you’ve been kind enough to ask, I’ll explain a bit more.
Sorry In advance if this grosses you out.
In past instances I wouldn’t have had such an issue with over eating. I’d just regulate and go back to my normal caloric intake. It’s a bit different when It comes to binge/purge cycles. There’s the overeating, which is usually followed by self induced vomiting (proper terminology for the word purging).
Thing with that is, you’re just hungry all over again, but by now your blood sugar levels are either tanked or through the roof, and you’re playing this massive tug of war game between your ghrelin and leptin hormones. It’s just not a pleasant thing to deal with.
I’ve always used this whole thing as a coping mechanism, but it often gets out of hand because there’s a point where it’s not just the mental aspect of it, but getting physically stuck going back and forth because your body is trying a great deal to regulate what’s happening to it. So not only are you dealing with all the crap that’s going on in your head, but also your actual self fighting back.
It just turns into a very tiring and dangerous cycle. And I’ve always done my best to catch it right before it starts, by not allowing myself to overeat when I’m focusing on recovery. I know a lot of folks overeat during the holidays. I do find solace in knowing that, but when I say overeat, in this particular instance for me personally, I’m not talking about the typical holiday overeat.
I’m talking like upwards of 10-15,000 calories worth of food being eaten in a small amount of time. Think of those “10,000 calories in a day” videos you see on YouTube. Now compress that into the span of maybe an hour and a half. Or even less. That’s the kind of overeating I mean. I kind of use soft words when I talk about this on my log, so as not to make folks uncomfortable, but in reality it’s…not a pretty picture. And when talking about eating disorders, bulimics in particular the ones who’ve been suffering for multiple years, often deal with gastric ruptures, just from the sheer amount of pressure from eating a lot and rapidly, and the force of repeated vomiting. Which is what happened to me some years ago.
And I get nervous because my body has managed to heal tremendously from the years I was recovered, but I’ll never forget that night being in that hospital, and being so close to not waking up that next morning.
So when I’m surrounded by large quantities of food, I often get anxious for a bit, and all of what I’ve said above just starts racing in my head. Most times I can act quick enough and employ the many coping skills I’ve learned and taught myself, but sometimes I lose my patience, or I just want my mind to be quiet right then and there, so I just start eating.
And then I get in this…trance of sorts, and the food no longer just tastes good, but it feels good. I’m not anxious anymore. I’m not nervous anymore. It’s just me and whatever’s in front of me.
But what follows after these binging episodes is just anger. I see it as I couldn’t control myself, and I just end up taking my anger out on myself. It’s always been the same motive, even if the stressors are different.
Currently I’m not where I once was concerning the magnitude of previous b/p cycles, but It’s easy for me to be right back at that level of severity.
I know the holidays are meant to focus on family, friends, and just all around positivity, and don’t get me wrong during the holidays I try my best to just focus on everyone else, and enjoy them being around me, but…as soon as I start seeing the plates of food in front of me, it just turns into a mental battlefield.
I know you probably didn’t ask for all of that, but thank you for showing concern. And again, I apologize for how…graphic of a description I made for some things, but I do see it in a very very different light.
It really helps me more than you know, when you guys pop in here. I really appreciate it.
All I can do is offer my full throttle support as someone very far away in the internet who is rooting for you. ROOTING FOR YOU!!!
