Dealing with F-ed Up Parents

Off Topic
61

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
Oh and I should take the emotion out of the fact that my mom is terminally I’ll and my dad has debilitating abusive anger problems. We got some real Harvard graduates here.[/quote]

And yet you repeatedly refer to your parents as fucked up. You act like she’s doing these things deliberately. I have been ‘blessed’ with a relative with advanced stages of MS, another who’s a paranoid schizophrenic, so don’t tell me I know nothing about it.

If you don’t want the advice, don’t start a thread asking for it.

62

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I am frustrated at the following things:
I cannot convince my dad to get help for his anger
I cannot make my mom healthly(ier) again.
I do not have the money or means to move out (the one friend who I could have stayed with just left for a tour to the middle east)
I cant find a damn job despite having a good resume.

If you got a problem that I have a problem with that, you need a reality check. Many of you are implying that I am doing nothing because I am venting on this site. That is a silly conclusion to draw. I have applied to about 40 jobs in the past month alone.

Retrospectively, there is no way I could accurately, in an unbiased manner, capture the full scope of my situation on this forum. I appreciate the people who are giving me sincere advice. Please note that I am listening an reading.

On the other hand, a larger fraction of you are drawing ignorant conclusions about my life, my character and my situation. As ONE example, one poster mentioned (embellishing) that my dad was losing “the love of his life” Reality check buddy, my parents have fought since I was a child, my dad and mom got married for the wrong reasons, as they have confessed to me.

It is very bold and blatantly stupid to make assertions about my parents relationship based on the information in my first post (actually, I never discussed anything about their relationship). I suspect that this behavior is motivated by a combination of an inflated ego and ignorance.

Thank you to the people who have some insight. [/quote]

You’re very abrasive. I wonder if this might account for some of your trouble with women?

But nonetheless, best of luck to you and yours.

63

You need a big Latino family.

64

To usmccds423:

You do understand that there is more to a divorce then just breaking up with someone right? There are financial and legal obligations from both parties which doesn’t always lend a divorce a practical solution. Not to mention emotional issues such as co-dependence or plain fear in the case of an abused wife…For someone that tries to come off as so well versed with life I am surprised you aren’t aware of this common and simple fact. And I am very familiar with my parents marriage, having talked to my father, my mother, and most recently my aunt and uncle confided something somewhat disturbing about my mom before she married my dad. Of course, she cannot refute or confirm the facts given her condition so that is purely speculative. If you’d like a memoir I think I can drum one up tonight!

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[quote]Aero51 wrote:
To usmccds423:

You do understand that there is more to a divorce then just breaking up with someone right? There are financial and legal obligations from both parties which doesn’t always lend a divorce a practical solution. Not to mention emotional issues such as co-dependence or plain fear in the case of an abused wife…For someone that tries to come off as so well versed with life I am surprised you aren’t aware of this common and simple fact. [/quote]

Ya, I’ve heard this before. Right on here even. Most of it is total crap in my opinion.

If there’s abuse going on, which you didn’t say, that’s a different thin entirely. The bottom line doesn’t change much though. At least one of your parents needs your help. They wiped your ass for years and now you don’t want to help them. That’s what I get from your posts.

66

Anyway, I’m convinced this is an elaborate troll job as it is.

67

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
Anyway, I’m convinced this is an elaborate troll job as it is.[/quote]

Agreed.

68

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
You need a big Latino family.

[/quote]

What would he do with it, PP? Tell us more about its advantages. I may want to get one, too, lol.

69

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
You need a big Latino family.

[/quote]

What would he do with it, PP? Tell us more about its advantages. I may want to get one, too, lol.[/quote]

I am curious about this as well. I used to work in Bushwick, Brooklyn, which is largely Puerto Rican and Dominican–so much that is is referred to as Bushwico and its inhabitants as Bushwican–as were most of the families I dealt with in my line of work. Looking back, I can’t tell what is more inherently functional about them.

70

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
You need a big Latino family.

[/quote]

What would he do with it, PP? Tell us more about its advantages. I may want to get one, too, lol.[/quote]

I am curious about this as well. I used to work in Bushwick, Brooklyn, which is largely Puerto Rican and Dominican–so much that is is referred to as Bushwico and its inhabitants as Bushwican–as were most of the families I dealt with in my line of work. Looking back, I can’t tell what is more inherently functional about them. [/quote]

Not to speak for PP, but I believe it is the generalization that “latin” culture has a stronger sense of family and respect than your more typical “American” culture.

Obviously individual results will vary, and it is an generalization, but that is what I thought she was saying.

71

I think it would be very healthy for you to realize the aspects of life that you can control as well as the aspects of life that you cannot control.

Trying to control something that you cannot results in suffering.

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[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
I think it would be very healthy for you to realize the aspects of life that you can control as well as the aspects of life that you cannot control.

Trying to control something that you cannot results in suffering.
[/quote]

Good post.

Reminds me of when I was a young kid growing up with this prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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Edit: I didn’t read page three comments, and I feel like an asshole now. And the previous version of this post had many typos which I have been prone to recently.

74

You think you have it bad, OP? Here’s some home video of my dad teaching me to ride a bike.

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[quote]Aero51 wrote:
OK, not sarcastic and annoyed answer. Lots of people are drawing conclusions about my life which is totally unjustified and inaccurate based on the narrow band of information I provided in my original post.

My favorite and easiest example: I just got out of school and am looking for a job. I moved back in with my parents to save rent money. Rent is at least $700(no food or utilities) for a garbage place. I have already taken out an extra 10k in student loans, under my name, to avoid going home months ago. The average unemployment is duration is 6 months, so figure I would lose at least $4200 before I land a job if I am lucky. I worked at wall mart over the summer to supplement my income working 30 hours a week taking home no more than 1200 a month. By the end of the month I had no spending money. I could spend those hours looking for a real job. Bug according to some people “building character” is more important than making a real living.

Don’t even get me started on the fallacy of “building character”

So based on what I read, I should be working a dead end job, paying rent unnecessarily, enjoy cleaning my moms crap because its a character building activity, I should excuse my Dads behavior because he is stressed but somehow I am just as stressed and I do not act out like him, and apparently I am an adult child because I am looking for a real job but saving rent money by living home.

Its pretty clear some posters have no idea what they are talking about. I dont take those oppinions seriously, I will not listen to them, they are wrong.

[/quote]

I have some bad parents, though not as bad as you describe. Some ideas that have helped me are these: First of all life is like a chess game, except you are in control of exactly one piece. You can’t control the actions of your parents and you are old enough that you shouldn’t blame them for any problem you have from here on out-I’m not saying that they didnt do damage or they could have been better, but at some point you have to say these are the cards I’ve been dealt and I’m going to make the most of them. They blow up, they act crazy, they do unfair or even illegal things… all you can do is control your response to that and that is what allows you to rise above it. If you meet people who have been through what most people consider true hell (ie war), those people generally have an inner serenity…because frankly whatever happens, they’ve seen much worse. True mastery is when you see people completely cool and funny even under the worst situations, thats usually when a person has mastered a key aspect of life.

76

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I am 24 and have finished school. I am home until I can find full time job at which time I will be moving out ASAP. My parents are pretty fucked up to be blunt. The best years of my life were far away in school and I feel like I have regressed to my highschool days where I have to lock myself in my room or be very defensive and on alert to make it through the day.

My mom has dementia, comorbid with her diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. The problem is that she can be a total bitch and when you fight with her 15 minutes later she doesn’t even remember what happened and wonders why you are so angry at her…so she gets angry that you are mad at her. To give you an idea how screwed up she is, I walked in her room a few nights ago to the smell of urine and feces. I asked if she went to the bathroom in her diaper and she LAUGHED! Like its a joke that I have to physically pick my mom up and put her on the toilet, then change her and her sheets at 12:30 in the morning.

My dad is nuts. Cant even describe him here without several anecdotes. Earlier today he literally THREW a vaccuum cleaner (one of those 10 gallon wet-dry vacs) across the garage because his knees hurt and I told him to take a 30 minute break before he went back to fixing the pellet stove we worked on.

Apparently the pellet stove needed to be worked on NOW! Not to mention every damn day I am woken up to him screaming and yelling at some absurd problem. Yesterday he spilled some V8 juice and scream and yelled as if he just found out he was diagnosed with cancer. When I confronted him (calmly) he laughed, thinking his reaction was FUNNY! Yeah, maybe for a dysfunctional sitcom staring a chimp with roid rage.

Living with these people is a nightmare. Its not like your typical dysfunctional family so I have very few, actually nobody, to relate to or talk to anyone who understands. My long time friends from years ago understand how my parents are and usually listen to me though. Hell when we were in elementary school my one friend did a hilarious impression of my dad.

I really don’t know what to do to cope with them aside from being out of the house as much as possible. It’s hard to be in a good mind set around them and consequentially that makes literally everything, from going to the gym and job searching, a greater effort. Still, I do both consistently, but my patients for them is wearing fast. This is living with them for only 3 weeks btw…[/quote]

So who changed your moms diaper when you were away at college? Did she just sit in feces all day or???

77

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]tedro wrote:

[quote]JLone wrote:
Victim Mentality:

[/quote]

This. OP, you’re a jerk. I read through this and was expecting a troll job, hopefully my instinct was right and it turns out this is all it is.

Your mom has dementia. If you aren’t strong enough to deal with it then move out, but don’t blame her for your failure to cope.

Your dad probably is failing to cope. Same thing applies. Help him with it or move out.[/quote]

Not this. OP, you’re not a jerk. The new trend is to blame victims, especially on “alpha” and “hardcore”.

Also, some apparently don’t realize it takes a job to move out, else one wants to live on the streets.
[/quote]
uhm isnt him blaming his mom blaming the victim?

78

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]JLone wrote:

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all. [/quote]

I left home at 16 with no means of support and no place to live. Can I reply?

I’m inclined to agree with JLone here. Brickhead, I see you sympathizing with the OP over the poor situation, and it is a poor situation, but his rage AT his parents is misplaced because they are dealing with a much poorer situation. The father who laughed at his son’s umbrage over the thrown vacuum might reasonably ask his son to take care of mom’s diapers and vicious moods for three YEARS, not weeks, and then see how pleasant and controlled he is able to be.

Many of us are aware that intolerable situations are intolerable, and many of us have simply walked away. There are couches if one has friends, there are shelters if one does not. There are rooms to rent on Craigslist that are manageable on a part time job. One could seek one’s real job while hunkered down in one.

If an adult child chooses to return home for the free rent and hot food, he gets what he gets and should appreciate the opportunity to access it. If what he gets is intolerable, then as a grown man he should cease to tolerate it.

His mom is ill and his father dealing with mountains of stress. Maybe they were never great, but that just means they’re ill-equipped to deal with this mess. Do they have college degrees? Maybe OP could spend some of his time researching relief for them; visiting nurses or some such.

I guess where I fall on this is that if a kid chooses to return to this particular home, it should be with the intent to offer some help to parents in crisis. OP’s desire that it be pleasanter for him and to feel sorry for himself that this is his life FOR POSSIBLY MONTHS AND MONTHS is slightly off-putting.

Do some good, ya know? Be a son who helps.

Or be a son who politely withdraws from what he considers to be a toxic environment. [/quote]

Your post is reasonable but here’s the thing: the guy is trying to get a job and move out, what you suggest.

He is simply venting and looking to talk to people who can empathize. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

And I think it’s disingenuous to simply speak of leaving as if it’s so easy, as if he wouldn’t if he could. The job scene and economy these days do suck despite the notion that we are supposedly out of a recession. You refer to choosing to go back home. Well, it’s not much of a choice considering he has to because he doesn’t have a job yet, which he is looking for.

I accepted a horrible situation when I commuted to college for a semester or two with my family. Rent here, even in Long Island or Queens, NY is VERY high and even for a crappy room, it’s not exactly like I’d be able to cough up much money folding clothes at the Gap or buttering bagels or any of the other wonderful part time jobs I had during school (100 to 200 bucks per week didn’t do much, even fifteen years ago).

I can go on but I have to leave for work. Might be back later. [/quote]

You mistake my point. My suggestion isn’t that he get a job and move out, it’s that he be gracious while he takes advantage of their generosity. If that’s not possible, then yes, he should excuse himself and find a better situation. God bless and good luck, and all.

I don’t know where OP lives, but having slept on the ground and in a shelter when I thought my parents were unbearable, I’m not sure it matters much to me. We don’t HAVE to have posh accommodations, we CAN sleep in nasty roach-infested places. It comes down to a decision about what we are and are not willing to live with.

“Kids” bitching about their shitty parents and feeling sorry for themselves wears thin for me once they’re adults. How did OP pay for the “best years of his life far away in school”? I’m going to guess he had help.

His mom has MS and dementia. On my scale of suckatude, this rates a 10 while “I’m stuck living at home where it’s lousy compared to dorm life but I have to because I want a great job and a great place to live” rates a 2, maybe 4 if OP does the right thing and pitches in with good cheer for the short time he’s there.

If OP were 15 I’d be right there with you in sympathizing, but at 24 you should be a help to ill parents if you return to the nest, not a petulant, self-pitying resource vacuum.[/quote]
Agree I’ve lived in my car when not able to find a friend’s house to crash at. If you didn’t have poor social skills or whatever you could stay with some chick you are laying the pipe to. There’s “hard” labor jobs that pay great and cash but you probably don’t want to do that. The main point is to remember the situation is much much worse for them.

79

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
You need a big Latino family.

[/quote]

What would he do with it, PP? Tell us more about its advantages. I may want to get one, too, lol.[/quote]

I am curious about this as well. I used to work in Bushwick, Brooklyn, which is largely Puerto Rican and Dominican–so much that is is referred to as Bushwico and its inhabitants as Bushwican–as were most of the families I dealt with in my line of work. Looking back, I can’t tell what is more inherently functional about them. [/quote]

Not to speak for PP, but I believe it is the generalization that “latin” culture has a stronger sense of family and respect than your more typical “American” culture.

Obviously individual results will vary, and it is an generalization, but that is what I thought she was saying. [/quote]

http://www.beinglatino.us/lifestyle/latinos-caring-for-their-elders-en-la-casa-con-los-abuelos/

Yes. In my experience, they “do family” better.

A Latina friend of mine is taking care of her mother after a massive stroke. Her mom is in a hospital bed in the family room. There are hermanos, hermanas, tios, tias, and cousins in and out all the time.

One of my kids was in the hospital this fall. My husband were hanging out in the ICU waiting room. There’s a Latino family in there with us, waiting for their child. The parents, and 6-10 other relatives. Within an hour, they were talking to us, offering us food and praying for our kid.

In rural New Mexico where I grew up, half the kids in my high school considered themselves “cousins”. These kinds of close family bonds were pretty typical. The OP needs to marry a nice Latina with a huge family and move them all into the house. Problem solved.

80

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
You need a big Latino family.

[/quote]

What would he do with it, PP? Tell us more about its advantages. I may want to get one, too, lol.[/quote]

I am curious about this as well. I used to work in Bushwick, Brooklyn, which is largely Puerto Rican and Dominican–so much that is is referred to as Bushwico and its inhabitants as Bushwican–as were most of the families I dealt with in my line of work. Looking back, I can’t tell what is more inherently functional about them. [/quote]

Not to speak for PP, but I believe it is the generalization that “latin” culture has a stronger sense of family and respect than your more typical “American” culture.

Obviously individual results will vary, and it is an generalization, but that is what I thought she was saying. [/quote]

http://www.beinglatino.us/lifestyle/latinos-caring-for-their-elders-en-la-casa-con-los-abuelos/

Yes. In my experience, they “do family” better.

A Latina friend of mine is taking care of her mother after a massive stroke. Her mom is in a hospital bed in the family room. There are hermanos, hermanas, tios, tias, and cousins in and out all the time.

One of my kids was in the hospital this fall. My husband were hanging out in the ICU waiting room. There’s a Latino family in there with us, waiting for their child. The parents, and 6-10 other relatives. Within an hour, they were talking to us, offering us food and praying for our kid.

In rural New Mexico where I grew up, half the kids in my high school considered themselves “cousins”. These kinds of close family bonds were pretty typical. The OP needs to marry a nice Latina with a huge family and move them all into the house. Problem solved.

[/quote]
Your so cute PP

Being married into a Latino family with my children being half I can agree with this post by PP