OP - those last few posts make you seem unlikable, immature, and unable to view this situation outside of your own narrow perspective. Sure, we anonymous internet posters have very little insight into your life and your whole situation, but sometimes it takes a 10,000 foot view of things to see the big picture.
Even after it being mentioned by several people, we still haven’t seen an ounce of empathy from you for you parents and the situation they are going through.
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
OP - those last few posts make you seem unlikable, immature, and unable to view this situation outside of your own narrow perspective. Sure, we anonymous internet posters have very little insight into your life and your whole situation, but sometimes it takes a 10,000 foot view of things to see the big picture.
Even after it being mentioned by several people, we still haven’t seen an ounce of empathy from you for you parents and the situation they are going through. [/quote]
I dunno man. His last few posts made a lot of sense to me.
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
OP - those last few posts make you seem unlikable, immature, and unable to view this situation outside of your own narrow perspective. Sure, we anonymous internet posters have very little insight into your life and your whole situation, but sometimes it takes a 10,000 foot view of things to see the big picture.
Even after it being mentioned by several people, we still haven’t seen an ounce of empathy from you for you parents and the situation they are going through. [/quote]
I dunno man. His last few posts made a lot of sense to me.[/quote]
Coming online to vent, get some advice or more perspective, then claiming everyone who disagrees with him or has another view point is simply dead wrong, makes a lot of sense to you?
Showing no empathy for what his parents are going through makes sense to you?
Basically telling everyone who refuses to join his pity party and woe is me attitude that they can F off makes sense to you?
I don’t think anyone is saying it’s not a crappy situation, and most have said they can understand why he feels the way he does, but all he’s done so far is complain, show no signs of empowering himself to get out of the situation, and tell everyone who offers another perspective that they are wrong.
There are people who have overcome far worse, yet this guy tells his story like he literally doesn’t have any options. He talked about a $700 rent payment as if he couldn’t, instead of renting a full 1 br apartment, rent a room in someone else’s place for 1/2 the price, and/or hop on some gov’t assistance to subsidize his measily income. How much do you wanna bet this guy has a cell phone and other non necessities? (gym membership, anyone?)
Again, he’s in a crappy situation and his parents will probably suffer regardless of what he does. But I can’t stand when people swear they have no options. The reality is they have options, but they don’t want to take them, they just want to complain. This guy has implicitly made the decision that this is the best option for him based on free rent. He’s essentially trading his happiness for free rent. Yeah, that makes sense.
[quote]Aero51 wrote:
My parents are pretty fucked up to be blunt. [/quote]
Interesting, why are they fucked up?
Oh…
Your mom has a mental disorder she can’t control and the love of your dads life is not the person he married. She’s more like a child whom he has to care for until the day one of them dies. He could leave her, but every person he knows would think he’s a scum bag. So he’s living in a completely fucked situation.
Do you really not understand why he is so angry? You get angry after 1 diaper change & a 15 minute argument… That’s his life now
[quote]
The problem is that she can be a total bitch and when you fight with her 15 minutes later she doesn’t even remember what happened and wonders why you are so angry at her…[/quote]
She has dementia right?
[quote]
so she gets angry that you are mad at her. To give you an idea how screwed up she is, I walked in her room a few nights ago to the smell of urine and feces. I asked if she went to the bathroom in her diaper and she LAUGHED! Like its a joke that I have to physically pick my mom up and put her on the toilet, then change her and her sheets at 12:30 in the morning. [/quote]
How many time when you were a baby do you think she walked in your room at 12:30 to change your shit filled diaper while you laughed the whole time?
Move out. You’re 24.
[quote]
I really don’t know what to do to cope with them aside from being out of the house as much as possible. It’s hard to be in a good mind set around them and consequentially that makes literally everything, from going to the gym and job searching, a greater effort. Still, I do both consistently, but my patients for them is wearing fast. This is living with them for only 3 weeks btw…[/quote]
No matter how bad you think you have it your dad has it worse than you. Your mom has it worse than both of you.
Like several other, I think your OP makes you sound like an entitled prick. You are acting like a child and not a man.
You can either A.) Cry about it some more or, B.) Deal with it.
Your mom and dad need you.
Feel free to ignore all this if you want. I don’t really care, however, don’t think I don’t understand. I’m living through a similar situation right now too. I’d be ashamed of myself if I acted like you are acting.
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
How many time when you were a baby do you think she walked in your room at 12:30 to change your shit filled diaper while you laughed the whole time?
[/quote]
lol, and then proceeded to poop bazooka all over her hands, changing table and wall.
God damn I don’t miss that.
[quote]zecarlo wrote:
I don’t see it like that at all. His parents are not being generous. First off, they are his parents so he should be able to live at home (at 24) without it coming off as charity.
[/quote]
I couldn’t disagree more. He is a grown man living off his parents who are living a nightmare.
His parent’s aren’t being generous? How much more does this kid deserve simply because he was born? He has a free roof, food, and he got a degree (I bet it was paid for).
This is a prime example of the entitlement mentality so many people talk about. He can walk away from this situation anytime he wants to. His parents cannot. He’s a man.
[quote]
Second, it’s not like he isn’t taking some of the burden off his father by helping to take care of his mother.
The problem is that he is 24, a kid in many ways, so to expect him to have the skills and experience to deal with people in his parents’ condition is asking a lot. So he sees two options: stay and suffer or leave. There should be a third option which is stay and help and learn to deal with the situation in a way that doesn’t end up devouring his own life, which is just beginning. But again, there is no way someone his age could be expected to have the ability to do that without some help. Blaming the OP for certain feelings or reactions is wrong because maybe, just maybe, the way he thinks and feels was shaped by the conditions he grew up in. It’s not like once you hit adulthood all of your previous experiences that shaped you suddenly are erased and you become “all grown up.” [/quote]
You are talking as if he is a child. He is not.
[quote]IamMarqaos wrote:
At 24 you are still a kid?
No.
You can vent, you can bitch and complain but what you can’t do is disrespect your parents in a case where they are dealing with things utterly beyond their control. His mother has dementia, something she didn’t sign up and for and he describes her as fucked up. His father, who has lived with his wife deteriorating for years has cracked under the pressure and he describes him as nuts.
The OP is in a bad spot but I’d feel a lot more sympathy if some love and understanding would have shone through in his post.
Yes, changing his mom’s diapers isn’t something he signed up for either but he seems quite incapable of seeing things from his parents’ perspective. They live it every moment of every day. In the moments she is lucid she is faced with the horror of losing her mind and her husband has to stand on the side lines and see it fucking happen day in day out knowing full well that nothing he does is going to make it go away.
You didn’t ask for my opinion and from your response I gather that you don’t care either but quite frankly, you need to man the fuck up. They are your parents. And while it sucks they need your help, the right thing to do is be there for them and not to disrespect them. And another thing, do it with love and let that shine through and you are going to get laid more often than you can imagine. Women love a giver, a care taker. Right now you don’t come across too well.
[/quote]
Spot on. Good post.
[quote]Aero51 wrote:
Yes[/quote]
Exactly what a child would think.
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
Coming online to vent, get some advice or more perspective, then claiming everyone who disagrees with him or has another view point is simply dead wrong, makes a lot of sense to you?[/quote]
Yeah. It’s better he vent here than at his parents. If he has other outlets, that would be better, but if this is the outlet…
I don’t really think that’s the case. I think he’s just venting frustration right now. You can show empathy, help out, and it can still get to you.
I think you have to consider he’s chosen to do that here, where it simply doesn’t work. People here will set you straight, even if you don’t want to hear it. It’s almost like T-Nation can be a father figure…
[quote]I don’t think anyone is saying it’s not a crappy situation, and most have said they can understand why he feels the way he does, but all he’s done so far is complain, show no signs of empowering himself to get out of the situation, and tell everyone who offers another perspective that they are wrong.
There are people who have overcome far worse, yet this guy tells his story like he literally doesn’t have any options. He talked about a $700 rent payment as if he couldn’t, instead of renting a full 1 br apartment, rent a room in someone else’s place for 1/2 the price, and/or hop on some gov’t assistance to subsidize his measily income. How much do you wanna bet this guy has a cell phone and other non necessities? (gym membership, anyone?)
Again, he’s in a crappy situation and his parents will probably suffer regardless of what he does. But I can’t stand when people swear they have no options. The reality is they have options, but they don’t want to take them, they just want to complain. This guy has implicitly made the decision that this is the best option for him based on free rent. He’s essentially trading his happiness for free rent. Yeah, that makes sense.
[/quote]
I think he’s simply overwhelmed. Pretty much everyone here has said sensible things. Once he’s able to get out of his head a bit, I have a feeling he’ll come around.
Obviously just my opinion.
I’ve been through overwhelming situations that in the grand scheme of things are insignificant, but that have completely clouded my judgment and rationality. Some of it was fixed by just changing thought patterns (cognitive-behavioral stuff), some of it was fixed by getting better at coming back to a calm state after getting a bit worked up (“meditation”/mindfulness stuff, and working on improving heart-rate variability).
In other words, I’ve been like this too, and it’s absolutely ridiculous looking back on it. But when you’re like this, you’re basically just panicking and nonsensical.
My two cents.
[quote]Aero51 wrote:
OK, not sarcastic and annoyed answer. Lots of people are drawing conclusions about my life which is totally unjustified and inaccurate based on the narrow band of information I provided in my original post.
My favorite and easiest example: I just got out of school and am looking for a job. I moved back in with my parents to save rent money. Rent is at least $700(no food or utilities) for a garbage place. I have already taken out an extra 10k in student loans, under my name, to avoid going home months ago. The average unemployment is duration is 6 months, so figure I would lose at least $4200 before I land a job if I am lucky. I worked at wall mart over the summer to supplement my income working 30 hours a week taking home no more than 1200 a month. By the end of the month I had no spending money. I could spend those hours looking for a real job. Bug according to some people “building character” is more important than making a real living.
Don’t even get me started on the fallacy of “building character”
So based on what I read, I should be working a dead end job, paying rent unnecessarily, enjoy cleaning my moms crap because its a character building activity, I should excuse my Dads behavior because he is stressed but somehow I am just as stressed and I do not act out like him, and apparently I am an adult child because I am looking for a real job but saving rent money by living home.
Its pretty clear some posters have no idea what they are talking about. I dont take those oppinions seriously, I will not listen to them, they are wrong.
[/quote]
I mean this sincerely. I hope you never have your character challenged in a significant way.
[quote]LoRez wrote:
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
Coming online to vent, get some advice or more perspective, then claiming everyone who disagrees with him or has another view point is simply dead wrong, makes a lot of sense to you?[/quote]
Yeah. It’s better he vent here than at his parents. If he has other outlets, that would be better, but if this is the outlet…
I don’t really think that’s the case. I think he’s just venting frustration right now. You can show empathy, help out, and it can still get to you.
I think you have to consider he’s chosen to do that here, where it simply doesn’t work. People here will set you straight, even if you don’t want to hear it. It’s almost like T-Nation can be a father figure…
[quote]I don’t think anyone is saying it’s not a crappy situation, and most have said they can understand why he feels the way he does, but all he’s done so far is complain, show no signs of empowering himself to get out of the situation, and tell everyone who offers another perspective that they are wrong.
There are people who have overcome far worse, yet this guy tells his story like he literally doesn’t have any options. He talked about a $700 rent payment as if he couldn’t, instead of renting a full 1 br apartment, rent a room in someone else’s place for 1/2 the price, and/or hop on some gov’t assistance to subsidize his measily income. How much do you wanna bet this guy has a cell phone and other non necessities? (gym membership, anyone?)
Again, he’s in a crappy situation and his parents will probably suffer regardless of what he does. But I can’t stand when people swear they have no options. The reality is they have options, but they don’t want to take them, they just want to complain. This guy has implicitly made the decision that this is the best option for him based on free rent. He’s essentially trading his happiness for free rent. Yeah, that makes sense.
[/quote]
I think he’s simply overwhelmed. Pretty much everyone here has said sensible things. Once he’s able to get out of his head a bit, I have a feeling he’ll come around.
Obviously just my opinion.
I’ve been through overwhelming situations that in the grand scheme of things are insignificant, but that have completely clouded my judgment and rationality. Some of it was fixed by just changing thought patterns (cognitive-behavioral stuff), some of it was fixed by getting better at coming back to a calm state after getting a bit worked up (“meditation”/mindfulness stuff, and working on improving heart-rate variability).
In other words, I’ve been like this too, and it’s absolutely ridiculous looking back on it. But when you’re like this, you’re basically just panicking and nonsensical.
My two cents.[/quote]
I don’t think I disagree with anything you wrote (or you disagree with anything I wrote).
I think we both hope this guy gets his head out of his ass. The first step to getting your head out of your own ass is to realize all you smell is shit.
(pretty proud of myself, I just made that line up)
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
[quote]Aero51 wrote:
OK, not sarcastic and annoyed answer. Lots of people are drawing conclusions about my life which is totally unjustified and inaccurate based on the narrow band of information I provided in my original post.
My favorite and easiest example: I just got out of school and am looking for a job. I moved back in with my parents to save rent money. Rent is at least $700(no food or utilities) for a garbage place. I have already taken out an extra 10k in student loans, under my name, to avoid going home months ago. The average unemployment is duration is 6 months, so figure I would lose at least $4200 before I land a job if I am lucky. I worked at wall mart over the summer to supplement my income working 30 hours a week taking home no more than 1200 a month. By the end of the month I had no spending money. I could spend those hours looking for a real job. Bug according to some people “building character” is more important than making a real living.
Don’t even get me started on the fallacy of “building character”
So based on what I read, I should be working a dead end job, paying rent unnecessarily, enjoy cleaning my moms crap because its a character building activity, I should excuse my Dads behavior because he is stressed but somehow I am just as stressed and I do not act out like him, and apparently I am an adult child because I am looking for a real job but saving rent money by living home.
Its pretty clear some posters have no idea what they are talking about. I dont take those oppinions seriously, I will not listen to them, they are wrong.
[/quote]
I mean this sincerely. I hope you never have your character challenged in a significant way. [/quote]
That’s the worst think you can wish for this guy. He’ll be stuck in his bubble for the rest of his life if that happens.
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
The first step to getting your head out of your own ass is to realize all you smell is shit.
(pretty proud of myself, I just made that line up)[/quote]
I like that. Well done.
Venting is fine, but maybe a site like T-Nation is the wrong place to find people who will SOLELY empathize in the way you want. This is a site that has “Alpha” as some of the topic names, fer fuks sake. At least 50% of the people here see problems as challenges to push through, or at least aspire to see it that way.
I took care of my dad for months during stage 4 cancer. I quit my job, stayed home. After he passed, i stayed unemployed for a year to transition, and watch my mom, who was already feeling lonely and depressed when he was alive. One of the nurses who visited us wrote in her comments about “caregiver fatigue” when she saw how all the famliy was breaking down. I remember her mentioning to my sister how I was approaching exhaustion, and I said out loud, mostly to myself “It’s my dad. I can do this all day”. It’s hard, whether you choose to do it at all, choose to do it begrudgingly, or choose to try to do it with a smile. It’s hard for you, for your family.
As for the whole victim mentality thing, everyone does it a bit. Everyone who feels pain wants, at least for a short period of time, a little pity. It’s not even pity really, it’s an acknowledgement of our pain and struggle. So you vent and you want people to say “That sucks”. Some posters here KNOW it sucks, and are skipping the step of saying it, and focussing on the next steps and what to do constructively.
It SOUNDS like you don’t like your parents, which may or may not be true. What is true is that it sucks, it’s hard, and you want an out. Ideally, it’s not your parents dying, its that your mom gets better and your dad is not under so much stress and depression. AND you want a great job and future. When I took care of my dad, months in, I was like “When does my life start/restart? When am I done?”. I did not want to say goodbye to my parents, but I wanted the situation to change, and I was almost powerless to change it.
It sucks man. It’s your decision what to do. Eventually, you will have more freedom, whether it’s because you choose to move out, or when your mom succumbs or gets professional care in a facility, or you win the lottery, or everyone dies. Right now it sucks. Everyone here knows it sucks. The criticism is how to handle it.
It sucks.
[quote]talc wrote:
Venting is fine, but maybe a site like T-Nation is the wrong place to find people who will SOLELY empathize in the way you want. This is a site that has “Alpha” as some of the topic names, fer fuks sake. At least 50% of the people here see problems as challenges to push through, or at least aspire to see it that way.
I took care of my dad for months during stage 4 cancer. I quit my job, stayed home. After he passed, i stayed unemployed for a year to transition, and watch my mom, who was already feeling lonely and depressed when he was alive. One of the nurses who visited us wrote in her comments about “caregiver fatigue” when she saw how all the famliy was breaking down. I remember her mentioning to my sister how I was approaching exhaustion, and I said out loud, mostly to myself “It’s my dad. I can do this all day”. It’s hard, whether you choose to do it at all, choose to do it begrudgingly, or choose to try to do it with a smile. It’s hard for you, for your family.
As for the whole victim mentality thing, everyone does it a bit. Everyone who feels pain wants, at least for a short period of time, a little pity. It’s not even pity really, it’s an acknowledgement of our pain and struggle. So you vent and you want people to say “That sucks”. Some posters here KNOW it sucks, and are skipping the step of saying it, and focussing on the next steps and what to do constructively.
It SOUNDS like you don’t like your parents, which may or may not be true. What is true is that it sucks, it’s hard, and you want an out. Ideally, it’s not your parents dying, its that your mom gets better and your dad is not under so much stress and depression. AND you want a great job and future. When I took care of my dad, months in, I was like “When does my life start/restart? When am I done?”. I did not want to say goodbye to my parents, but I wanted the situation to change, and I was almost powerless to change it.
It sucks man. It’s your decision what to do. Eventually, you will have more freedom, whether it’s because you choose to move out, or when your mom succumbs or gets professional care in a facility, or you win the lottery, or everyone dies. Right now it sucks. Everyone here knows it sucks. The criticism is how to handle it.
It sucks.[/quote]
Great post, man.
Are your other 12 posts this insightful?
[quote]talc wrote:
Venting is fine, but maybe a site like T-Nation is the wrong place to find people who will SOLELY empathize in the way you want. This is a site that has “Alpha” as some of the topic names, fer fuks sake. At least 50% of the people here see problems as challenges to push through, or at least aspire to see it that way.
I took care of my dad for months during stage 4 cancer. I quit my job, stayed home. After he passed, i stayed unemployed for a year to transition, and watch my mom, who was already feeling lonely and depressed when he was alive. One of the nurses who visited us wrote in her comments about “caregiver fatigue” when she saw how all the famliy was breaking down. I remember her mentioning to my sister how I was approaching exhaustion, and I said out loud, mostly to myself “It’s my dad. I can do this all day”. It’s hard, whether you choose to do it at all, choose to do it begrudgingly, or choose to try to do it with a smile. It’s hard for you, for your family.
It sucks.[/quote]
As a cancer survivor myself I just want to reach out for a moment and tell you that this brought tears to my eyes. I don’t know you from Adam but you have my respect.
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
That’s the worst think you can wish for this guy. He’ll be stuck in his bubble for the rest of his life if that happens.
[/quote]
True.
I’m afraid it would completely ruin his life though.
I am frustrated at the following things:
I cannot convince my dad to get help for his anger
I cannot make my mom healthly(ier) again.
I do not have the money or means to move out (the one friend who I could have stayed with just left for a tour to the middle east)
I cant find a damn job despite having a good resume.
If you got a problem that I have a problem with that, you need a reality check. Many of you are implying that I am doing nothing because I am venting on this site. That is a silly conclusion to draw. I have applied to about 40 jobs in the past month alone.
Retrospectively, there is no way I could accurately, in an unbiased manner, capture the full scope of my situation on this forum. I appreciate the people who are giving me sincere advice. Please note that I am listening an reading.
On the other hand, a larger fraction of you are drawing ignorant conclusions about my life, my character and my situation. As ONE example, one poster mentioned (embellishing) that my dad was losing “the love of his life” Reality check buddy, my parents have fought since I was a child, my dad and mom got married for the wrong reasons, as they have confessed to me.
It is very bold and blatantly stupid to make assertions about my parents relationship based on the information in my first post (actually, I never discussed anything about their relationship). I suspect that this behavior is motivated by a combination of an inflated ego and ignorance.
Thank you to the people who have some insight.
[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I am frustrated at the following things:
I cannot convince my dad to get help for his anger
I cannot make my mom healthly(ier) again.
I do not have the money or means to move out (the one friend who I could have stayed with just left for a tour to the middle east)
I cant find a damn job despite having a good resume.
[/quote]
If you had written this in your OP I doubt anyone would have given you shit. The bottom line is, while you are suffering, your parents are suffering more. You want out, go see a recruiter. They’ll have you at OCS in a week. There is always a way out.
I have not read a word that implies the above.
Why not?
You are not the only person to go through a tough time.
You talk about your parents in a completely negative way. You insult both of them, one of whom has a debilitating condition.
You are obviously not married. Your parent fight a lot, why aren’t they part of the 50+% that divorce. They must really hate each other. Do you even know why they got married or are you just assuming you know why?
It’s equally as ignorant to not expect other people to draw a different conclusion than you have. Especially with limited information.
[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I am frustrated at the following things:
I cannot convince my dad to get help for his anger
I cannot make my mom healthly(ier) again.
I do not have the money or means to move out (the one friend who I could have stayed with just left for a tour to the middle east)
I cant find a damn job despite having a good resume.
If you got a problem that I have a problem with that, you need a reality check. Many of you are implying that I am doing nothing because I am venting on this site. That is a silly conclusion to draw. I have applied to about 40 jobs in the past month alone.
[/quote]
Remember the context and the audience. Look at the current top threads in “Politics”. Look at a lot of the replies on “Get a Life”. The mentality is often “saddle up, pull up your bootstraps, individual effort”. This isn’t even a pure bodybuilding site, most topics are about performance and winning and dominating sports and life. The approach and mentality in the replies are all about getting past problems, not feeling bad, and feeling bad is viewed as a waste of time or a barrier to pushing through. This mentality, these approaches WORK for many things. Here, people ARGUE or DO STUFF. It’s such a common theme that there are specific threads like “Let’s process our feelings”. You’d get a different response in reddit/r/depression - different audience. Here, you either get advice on how to solve it, or get lambasted for not solving it, or both in the same thread. As you’ve noticed, there are very few poster who will just empathize with problems.
Hell, trying merging this thread into the Over-35. You’ll end up with a whole mess of people who will complain about millenials, etc.