Dealing with F-ed Up Parents

Off Topic
1

I am 24 and have finished school. I am home until I can find full time job at which time I will be moving out ASAP. My parents are pretty fucked up to be blunt. The best years of my life were far away in school and I feel like I have regressed to my highschool days where I have to lock myself in my room or be very defensive and on alert to make it through the day.

My mom has dementia, comorbid with her diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. The problem is that she can be a total bitch and when you fight with her 15 minutes later she doesn’t even remember what happened and wonders why you are so angry at her…so she gets angry that you are mad at her. To give you an idea how screwed up she is, I walked in her room a few nights ago to the smell of urine and feces. I asked if she went to the bathroom in her diaper and she LAUGHED! Like its a joke that I have to physically pick my mom up and put her on the toilet, then change her and her sheets at 12:30 in the morning.

My dad is nuts. Cant even describe him here without several anecdotes. Earlier today he literally THREW a vaccuum cleaner (one of those 10 gallon wet-dry vacs) across the garage because his knees hurt and I told him to take a 30 minute break before he went back to fixing the pellet stove we worked on.

Apparently the pellet stove needed to be worked on NOW! Not to mention every damn day I am woken up to him screaming and yelling at some absurd problem. Yesterday he spilled some V8 juice and scream and yelled as if he just found out he was diagnosed with cancer. When I confronted him (calmly) he laughed, thinking his reaction was FUNNY! Yeah, maybe for a dysfunctional sitcom staring a chimp with roid rage.

Living with these people is a nightmare. Its not like your typical dysfunctional family so I have very few, actually nobody, to relate to or talk to anyone who understands. My long time friends from years ago understand how my parents are and usually listen to me though. Hell when we were in elementary school my one friend did a hilarious impression of my dad.

I really don’t know what to do to cope with them aside from being out of the house as much as possible. It’s hard to be in a good mind set around them and consequentially that makes literally everything, from going to the gym and job searching, a greater effort. Still, I do both consistently, but my patients for them is wearing fast. This is living with them for only 3 weeks btw…

2

I can empathize with this as I too have experienced SERIOUS domestic issues. My own father is mentally disturbed, and the damage he did is pretty significant (can’t get into details here).

I strongly suggest the following:

See a therapist to speak to about this situation. Venting on here to other dudes who can empathize under a screen name is helpful, but a competent therapist might be able to offer far more help.

As tough as it is, you have to accept the situation until you can afford to move out. Yes, your situation is not good, but you must find a way to deal with it. Get out of the house as much as possible, make new friends (preferably a group of smart, resourceful men), meet and date women, get to the gym, spend time at the book store, talk to people, etc. This might distract you from the situation and give you things to look forward to and might even offer some form of mental and emotional removal and distance from the situation.

Continue to search for jobs. I don’t know what your profession is, but if it is something in which you can provide a service, try to drum it up in a self-employed side hustle.

3

Thanks, I am trying to do some of those things already. I am in engineering btw. Dating is kinda rough. I am not ugly or anything but I find it very hard to small talk and BS upon first encounters. I feel like most women my age just want guys to tell them what they want to hear. Im sure dealing with my mom all these years has made me somewhat misogynistic. I only care because other people (my sister and close friends) tell me it is a problem. Exercising really helps for a few hours - the endorphins and sense of accomplishment makes a good difference.

4

Sorry to hear about your mother’s condition. It’s going to be hard but you need to find ways of dealing with your mother’s conditions without getting mad about it when it is beyond her control.

You can be angry and bitter at these people or you can try to make things work. It will take patience, humility and displaying vulnerability & empathy because it sounds like both sides have a lot to get over. You’re going to have to give up a little and it’s up to you if it’s worth it but they are your parents.

5

Victim Mentality:

6

[quote]JLone wrote:
Victim Mentality:

[/quote]

Easy to speak like this when one isn’t going through the situation himself. The fact is that he IS a victim of a crappy situation.

It is quite natural or one to vent or complain when he feels powerless to a situation, which from the way he’s describing it, he is: no job. If he had the money or somewhere else to live free, he’d likely move out to get out of this situation.

7

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
Thanks, I am trying to do some of those things already. I am in engineering btw. Dating is kinda rough. I am not ugly or anything but I find it very hard to small talk and BS upon first encounters. [/quote]

This is exactly what bad daters and cerebral type of people have a hard time with, but it’s necessary to get dates. Try it and make adjustments.

[quote]
I feel like most women my age just want guys to tell them what they want to hear. [/quote]

Uh… that goes for ALL women, young and old. :slight_smile:

[quote]

Im sure dealing with my mom all these years has made me somewhat misogynistic. [/quote]

I sometimes feel the same way from working with nearly all women, but it I don’t let that feeling get out of control or develop into full blown misogyny. Not to mention the assortment of trashy people out there in general these days.

[quote]

I only care because other people (my sister and close friends) tell me it is a problem. [/quote] What problem are they telling you about?

[quote]
Exercising really helps for a few hours - the endorphins and sense of accomplishment makes a good difference.[/quote]
Good!

8

[quote]JLone wrote:
Victim Mentality:

[/quote]

This. OP, you’re a jerk. I read through this and was expecting a troll job, hopefully my instinct was right and it turns out this is all it is.

Your mom has dementia. If you aren’t strong enough to deal with it then move out, but don’t blame her for your failure to cope.

Your dad probably is failing to cope. Same thing applies. Help him with it or move out.

9

[quote]tedro wrote:

[quote]JLone wrote:
Victim Mentality:

[/quote]

This. OP, you’re a jerk. I read through this and was expecting a troll job, hopefully my instinct was right and it turns out this is all it is.

Your mom has dementia. If you aren’t strong enough to deal with it then move out, but don’t blame her for your failure to cope.

Your dad probably is failing to cope. Same thing applies. Help him with it or move out.[/quote]

Not this. OP, you’re not a jerk. The new trend is to blame victims, especially on “alpha” and “hardcore”.

Also, some apparently don’t realize it takes a job to move out, else one wants to live on the streets.

10

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]JLone wrote:
Victim Mentality:

[/quote]
Easy to speak like this when one isn’t going through the situation himself. The fact is that he IS a victim of a crappy situation.

It is quite natural or one to vent or complain when he feels powerless to a situation, which from the way he’s describing it, he is: no job. If he had the money or somewhere else to live free, he’d likely move out to get out of this situation. [/quote]
Brick, in his OP and following post he blames his mother, his father, girls in general and being too smart (hence, engineer but poor social skills) all of which are external.

Victim mentality is blaming things that are outside of your control. You yourself think his life would be better if someone gave him a free place to live. If only that free-housing fairy were to grant him that wish, must be her fault too.

As for your snide, “when one isn’t going through it,” remark. I graduated college at 22 and got a full time job and a part time job working a total of 60+ hours a week to make ends meet. I guess the idea of the good-job fairy and the free-housing fairy hadn’t fully taken over the youth back then.

11

I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers!

12

[quote]
Brick, in his OP and following post he blames his mother, his father, girls in general and being too smart (hence, engineer but poor social skills) all of which are external. [/quote]

I don’t see where he blames anyone, only that he is having a difficult time.

[quote]

Victim mentality is blaming things that are outside of your control. You yourself think his life would be better if someone gave him a free place to live. If only that free-housing fairy were to grant him that wish, must be her fault too. [/quote]

I said his life would be better with one of two options: 1) getting a job and moving out or 2) having a place to live without a job (a free place).

He has neither.

[quote]

As for your snide, “when one isn’t going through it,” remark. I graduated college at 22 and got a full time job and a part time job working a total of 60+ hours a week to make ends meet. I guess the idea of the good-job fairy and the free-housing fairy hadn’t fully taken over the youth back then. [/quote]

He doesn’t have the job yet and said he is looking for one. So until then he will have to deal with ths situation!

I have no idea why you mention “fairies” considering he is looking for a job and it’s obvious he wants a job so he can move the hell out!

Regarding my so-called snide remark: have you gone through that type of situation?

13

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all.

14

[quote]JLone wrote:

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all. [/quote]

Thanks.

15

[quote]JLone wrote:

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all. [/quote]
I don’t think anyone does.

16

god damn. do we all have issues or what.

17

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

No one says it’s easy but you don’t have to be a dick about it. It’s your mum FFS… we all end up looking after unwell parents in the end, the decent ones amongst us anyway (suspect you’re trolling but anyway).

18

[quote]JLone wrote:

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all. [/quote]

I left home at 16 with no means of support and no place to live. Can I reply?

I’m inclined to agree with JLone here. Brickhead, I see you sympathizing with the OP over the poor situation, and it is a poor situation, but his rage AT his parents is misplaced because they are dealing with a much poorer situation. The father who laughed at his son’s umbrage over the thrown vacuum might reasonably ask his son to take care of mom’s diapers and vicious moods for three YEARS, not weeks, and then see how pleasant and controlled he is able to be.

Many of us are aware that intolerable situations are intolerable, and many of us have simply walked away. There are couches if one has friends, there are shelters if one does not. There are rooms to rent on Craigslist that are manageable on a part time job. One could seek one’s real job while hunkered down in one.

If an adult child chooses to return home for the free rent and hot food, he gets what he gets and should appreciate the opportunity to access it. If what he gets is intolerable, then as a grown man he should cease to tolerate it.

His mom is ill and his father dealing with mountains of stress. Maybe they were never great, but that just means they’re ill-equipped to deal with this mess. Do they have college degrees? Maybe OP could spend some of his time researching relief for them; visiting nurses or some such.

I guess where I fall on this is that if a kid chooses to return to this particular home, it should be with the intent to offer some help to parents in crisis. OP’s desire that it be pleasanter for him and to feel sorry for himself that this is his life FOR POSSIBLY MONTHS AND MONTHS is slightly off-putting.

Do some good, ya know? Be a son who helps.

Or be a son who politely withdraws from what he considers to be a toxic environment.

19

[quote]StevenF wrote:
god damn. do we all have issues or what. [/quote]

Yup.

Some parts of life can be terribly frustrating at times.

20

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]JLone wrote:

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all. [/quote]

I left home at 16 with no means of support and no place to live. Can I reply?

I’m inclined to agree with JLone here. Brickhead, I see you sympathizing with the OP over the poor situation, and it is a poor situation, but his rage AT his parents is misplaced because they are dealing with a much poorer situation. The father who laughed at his son’s umbrage over the thrown vacuum might reasonably ask his son to take care of mom’s diapers and vicious moods for three YEARS, not weeks, and then see how pleasant and controlled he is able to be.

Many of us are aware that intolerable situations are intolerable, and many of us have simply walked away. There are couches if one has friends, there are shelters if one does not. There are rooms to rent on Craigslist that are manageable on a part time job. One could seek one’s real job while hunkered down in one.

If an adult child chooses to return home for the free rent and hot food, he gets what he gets and should appreciate the opportunity to access it. If what he gets is intolerable, then as a grown man he should cease to tolerate it.

His mom is ill and his father dealing with mountains of stress. Maybe they were never great, but that just means they’re ill-equipped to deal with this mess. Do they have college degrees? Maybe OP could spend some of his time researching relief for them; visiting nurses or some such.

I guess where I fall on this is that if a kid chooses to return to this particular home, it should be with the intent to offer some help to parents in crisis. OP’s desire that it be pleasanter for him and to feel sorry for himself that this is his life FOR POSSIBLY MONTHS AND MONTHS is slightly off-putting.

Do some good, ya know? Be a son who helps.

Or be a son who politely withdraws from what he considers to be a toxic environment. [/quote]

Your post is reasonable but here’s the thing: the guy is trying to get a job and move out, what you suggest.

He is simply venting and looking to talk to people who can empathize. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

And I think it’s disingenuous to simply speak of leaving as if it’s so easy, as if he wouldn’t if he could. The job scene and economy these days do suck despite the notion that we are supposedly out of a recession. You refer to choosing to go back home. Well, it’s not much of a choice considering he has to because he doesn’t have a job yet, which he is looking for.

I accepted a horrible situation when I commuted to college for a semester or two with my family. Rent here, even in Long Island or Queens, NY is VERY high and even for a crappy room, it’s not exactly like I’d be able to cough up much money folding clothes at the Gap or buttering bagels or any of the other wonderful part time jobs I had during school (100 to 200 bucks per week didn’t do much, even fifteen years ago).

I can go on but I have to leave for work. Might be back later.