Dealing with F-ed Up Parents

Off Topic
21

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]JLone wrote:

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all. [/quote]

I left home at 16 with no means of support and no place to live. Can I reply?

I’m inclined to agree with JLone here. Brickhead, I see you sympathizing with the OP over the poor situation, and it is a poor situation, but his rage AT his parents is misplaced because they are dealing with a much poorer situation. The father who laughed at his son’s umbrage over the thrown vacuum might reasonably ask his son to take care of mom’s diapers and vicious moods for three YEARS, not weeks, and then see how pleasant and controlled he is able to be.

Many of us are aware that intolerable situations are intolerable, and many of us have simply walked away. There are couches if one has friends, there are shelters if one does not. There are rooms to rent on Craigslist that are manageable on a part time job. One could seek one’s real job while hunkered down in one.

If an adult child chooses to return home for the free rent and hot food, he gets what he gets and should appreciate the opportunity to access it. If what he gets is intolerable, then as a grown man he should cease to tolerate it.

His mom is ill and his father dealing with mountains of stress. Maybe they were never great, but that just means they’re ill-equipped to deal with this mess. Do they have college degrees? Maybe OP could spend some of his time researching relief for them; visiting nurses or some such.

I guess where I fall on this is that if a kid chooses to return to this particular home, it should be with the intent to offer some help to parents in crisis. OP’s desire that it be pleasanter for him and to feel sorry for himself that this is his life FOR POSSIBLY MONTHS AND MONTHS is slightly off-putting.

Do some good, ya know? Be a son who helps.

Or be a son who politely withdraws from what he considers to be a toxic environment. [/quote]

Your post is reasonable but here’s the thing: the guy is trying to get a job and move out, what you suggest.

He is simply venting and looking to talk to people who can empathize. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

And I think it’s disingenuous to simply speak of leaving as if it’s so easy, as if he wouldn’t if he could. The job scene and economy these days do suck despite the notion that we are supposedly out of a recession. You refer to choosing to go back home. Well, it’s not much of a choice considering he has to because he doesn’t have a job yet, which he is looking for.

I accepted a horrible situation when I commuted to college for a semester or two with my family. Rent here, even in Long Island or Queens, NY is VERY high and even for a crappy room, it’s not exactly like I’d be able to cough up much money folding clothes at the Gap or buttering bagels or any of the other wonderful part time jobs I had during school (100 to 200 bucks per week didn’t do much, even fifteen years ago).

I can go on but I have to leave for work. Might be back later. [/quote]

You mistake my point. My suggestion isn’t that he get a job and move out, it’s that he be gracious while he takes advantage of their generosity. If that’s not possible, then yes, he should excuse himself and find a better situation. God bless and good luck, and all.

I don’t know where OP lives, but having slept on the ground and in a shelter when I thought my parents were unbearable, I’m not sure it matters much to me. We don’t HAVE to have posh accommodations, we CAN sleep in nasty roach-infested places. It comes down to a decision about what we are and are not willing to live with.

“Kids” bitching about their shitty parents and feeling sorry for themselves wears thin for me once they’re adults. How did OP pay for the “best years of his life far away in school”? I’m going to guess he had help.

His mom has MS and dementia. On my scale of suckatude, this rates a 10 while “I’m stuck living at home where it’s lousy compared to dorm life but I have to because I want a great job and a great place to live” rates a 2, maybe 4 if OP does the right thing and pitches in with good cheer for the short time he’s there.

If OP were 15 I’d be right there with you in sympathizing, but at 24 you should be a help to ill parents if you return to the nest, not a petulant, self-pitying resource vacuum.

22

Aero51, very sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve gone and am still going through something similar so I know how bad it sucks…somewhere in there were the worst years of my life. It is bad and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody AND life still needs to go on.

Here are some insights I wish I would have made sooner as it would have spared me a great deal of suffering:

  • The circumstances are terrible but that doesn’t mean you are screwed. Without making it sound like power of positive thinking “glass is half full/half empty” you have been dealt a hand of cards and you do have a choice about how to play them. Your life will always be a personal experience but you don’t have to take things personally. Think of your parents as infants who have little control over their actions and thoughts vs. how they may be “trying” to make you suffer.

  • Make time every day to set your mind right. This kind of thing can beat you up worse than 15 rounds in the ring with Tyson and it is constant so you have to be as constant about de-stressing. Meditate, take long walks and learn to shed the “complaints” as quickly as possible (cleaning shit is bad enough when you do it and it gets worse if you keep rehearsing it with bad commentary in your mind over and over again). Do your best to draw out any victories from this (sounds impossible but isn’t) - list daily the things from this situation that can boost your esteem and self worth like you are a hero and a good son who has chosen to take care of ill parents.

  • Care takers need to be taken care of too! Seriously, nobody who has not done this can appreciate the toll it takes on your mental, energetic, emotional and physical self. Be uber diligent about getting friends to listen and help you out. Be selfish about your recovery.

  • Use every “mishap” as an opportunity to practice control. The situation is terrible so you’ll have lots of opportunities to practice taking charge of the situation and exercise some control.

  • Speak to a social worker. they can be an invaluable resource about what to expect and what other assistance you can get. Taking control also means recognizing what other help needs to brought in (not just dealing with everything by yourself).

Side note…I do understand the notion of leaving a bad situation but I don’t agree with escapism. We can’t just kick our parents to the curb when they are most in need. They didn’t leave us on the curb when we were infants shitting in our diapers and waking them up in the middle of the night for milk. If you can’t cope and not everybody can then leave, there is no shame in that…but do take some measures to make sure they are taken care of. Take control, make some calls and get them assistance and be on your way. Leave with dignity.

  • You are over thinking the dating situation. Don’t dwell on what girls want to hear (that in itself is a problem) and just put yourself out there. You don’t need to have the perfect line or routine just say something. I met my current girlfriend at an ice cream parlor by saying “girls like ice cream” out loud (didn’t mean too just something I thought that came out). Be yourself. If you don’t put yourself out there your answer is a guaranteed no but by saying anything you are at least in the game. If you still feel unsure, read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover

Anyway, my two cents and you are welcome to them.

23

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]JLone wrote:

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all. [/quote]

I left home at 16 with no means of support and no place to live. Can I reply?

I’m inclined to agree with JLone here. Brickhead, I see you sympathizing with the OP over the poor situation, and it is a poor situation, but his rage AT his parents is misplaced because they are dealing with a much poorer situation. The father who laughed at his son’s umbrage over the thrown vacuum might reasonably ask his son to take care of mom’s diapers and vicious moods for three YEARS, not weeks, and then see how pleasant and controlled he is able to be.

Many of us are aware that intolerable situations are intolerable, and many of us have simply walked away. There are couches if one has friends, there are shelters if one does not. There are rooms to rent on Craigslist that are manageable on a part time job. One could seek one’s real job while hunkered down in one.

If an adult child chooses to return home for the free rent and hot food, he gets what he gets and should appreciate the opportunity to access it. If what he gets is intolerable, then as a grown man he should cease to tolerate it.

His mom is ill and his father dealing with mountains of stress. Maybe they were never great, but that just means they’re ill-equipped to deal with this mess. Do they have college degrees? Maybe OP could spend some of his time researching relief for them; visiting nurses or some such.

I guess where I fall on this is that if a kid chooses to return to this particular home, it should be with the intent to offer some help to parents in crisis. OP’s desire that it be pleasanter for him and to feel sorry for himself that this is his life FOR POSSIBLY MONTHS AND MONTHS is slightly off-putting.

Do some good, ya know? Be a son who helps.

Or be a son who politely withdraws from what he considers to be a toxic environment. [/quote]

Your post is reasonable but here’s the thing: the guy is trying to get a job and move out, what you suggest.

He is simply venting and looking to talk to people who can empathize. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

And I think it’s disingenuous to simply speak of leaving as if it’s so easy, as if he wouldn’t if he could. The job scene and economy these days do suck despite the notion that we are supposedly out of a recession. You refer to choosing to go back home. Well, it’s not much of a choice considering he has to because he doesn’t have a job yet, which he is looking for.

I accepted a horrible situation when I commuted to college for a semester or two with my family. Rent here, even in Long Island or Queens, NY is VERY high and even for a crappy room, it’s not exactly like I’d be able to cough up much money folding clothes at the Gap or buttering bagels or any of the other wonderful part time jobs I had during school (100 to 200 bucks per week didn’t do much, even fifteen years ago).

I can go on but I have to leave for work. Might be back later. [/quote]

You mistake my point. My suggestion isn’t that he get a job and move out, it’s that he be gracious while he takes advantage of their generosity. If that’s not possible, then yes, he should excuse himself and find a better situation. God bless and good luck, and all.

I don’t know where OP lives, but having slept on the ground and in a shelter when I thought my parents were unbearable, I’m not sure it matters much to me. We don’t HAVE to have posh accommodations, we CAN sleep in nasty roach-infested places. It comes down to a decision about what we are and are not willing to live with.

“Kids” bitching about their shitty parents and feeling sorry for themselves wears thin for me once they’re adults. How did OP pay for the “best years of his life far away in school”? I’m going to guess he had help.

His mom has MS and dementia. On my scale of suckatude, this rates a 10 while “I’m stuck living at home where it’s lousy compared to dorm life but I have to because I want a great job and a great place to live” rates a 2, maybe 4 if OP does the right thing and pitches in with good cheer for the short time he’s there.

If OP were 15 I’d be right there with you in sympathizing, but at 24 you should be a help to ill parents if you return to the nest, not a petulant, self-pitying resource vacuum.[/quote]
I don’t see it like that at all. His parents are not being generous. First off, they are his parents so he should be able to live at home (at 24) without it coming off as charity. Second, it’s not like he isn’t taking some of the burden off his father by helping to take care of his mother.

The problem is that he is 24, a kid in many ways, so to expect him to have the skills and experience to deal with people in his parents’ condition is asking a lot. So he sees two options: stay and suffer or leave. There should be a third option which is stay and help and learn to deal with the situation in a way that doesn’t end up devouring his own life, which is just beginning. But again, there is no way someone his age could be expected to have the ability to do that without some help. Blaming the OP for certain feelings or reactions is wrong because maybe, just maybe, the way he thinks and feels was shaped by the conditions he grew up in. It’s not like once you hit adulthood all of your previous experiences that shaped you suddenly are erased and you become “all grown up.”

24

25

[quote]zecarlo wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]BrickHead wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]JLone wrote:

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I wasn’t trying to blame anyone. I was just venting. To be honest I consider the oppionion of people who haven’t gone through similar feats worthless. So if you think I’m wrong I invite you to take care of my mom for a week. Have fun changing her diapers![/quote]

[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You obviously didn’t read my post carefully enough. [/quote]
I don’t even know why I replied at all. [/quote]

I left home at 16 with no means of support and no place to live. Can I reply?

I’m inclined to agree with JLone here. Brickhead, I see you sympathizing with the OP over the poor situation, and it is a poor situation, but his rage AT his parents is misplaced because they are dealing with a much poorer situation. The father who laughed at his son’s umbrage over the thrown vacuum might reasonably ask his son to take care of mom’s diapers and vicious moods for three YEARS, not weeks, and then see how pleasant and controlled he is able to be.

Many of us are aware that intolerable situations are intolerable, and many of us have simply walked away. There are couches if one has friends, there are shelters if one does not. There are rooms to rent on Craigslist that are manageable on a part time job. One could seek one’s real job while hunkered down in one.

If an adult child chooses to return home for the free rent and hot food, he gets what he gets and should appreciate the opportunity to access it. If what he gets is intolerable, then as a grown man he should cease to tolerate it.

His mom is ill and his father dealing with mountains of stress. Maybe they were never great, but that just means they’re ill-equipped to deal with this mess. Do they have college degrees? Maybe OP could spend some of his time researching relief for them; visiting nurses or some such.

I guess where I fall on this is that if a kid chooses to return to this particular home, it should be with the intent to offer some help to parents in crisis. OP’s desire that it be pleasanter for him and to feel sorry for himself that this is his life FOR POSSIBLY MONTHS AND MONTHS is slightly off-putting.

Do some good, ya know? Be a son who helps.

Or be a son who politely withdraws from what he considers to be a toxic environment. [/quote]

Your post is reasonable but here’s the thing: the guy is trying to get a job and move out, what you suggest.

He is simply venting and looking to talk to people who can empathize. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

And I think it’s disingenuous to simply speak of leaving as if it’s so easy, as if he wouldn’t if he could. The job scene and economy these days do suck despite the notion that we are supposedly out of a recession. You refer to choosing to go back home. Well, it’s not much of a choice considering he has to because he doesn’t have a job yet, which he is looking for.

I accepted a horrible situation when I commuted to college for a semester or two with my family. Rent here, even in Long Island or Queens, NY is VERY high and even for a crappy room, it’s not exactly like I’d be able to cough up much money folding clothes at the Gap or buttering bagels or any of the other wonderful part time jobs I had during school (100 to 200 bucks per week didn’t do much, even fifteen years ago).

I can go on but I have to leave for work. Might be back later. [/quote]

You mistake my point. My suggestion isn’t that he get a job and move out, it’s that he be gracious while he takes advantage of their generosity. If that’s not possible, then yes, he should excuse himself and find a better situation. God bless and good luck, and all.

I don’t know where OP lives, but having slept on the ground and in a shelter when I thought my parents were unbearable, I’m not sure it matters much to me. We don’t HAVE to have posh accommodations, we CAN sleep in nasty roach-infested places. It comes down to a decision about what we are and are not willing to live with.

“Kids” bitching about their shitty parents and feeling sorry for themselves wears thin for me once they’re adults. How did OP pay for the “best years of his life far away in school”? I’m going to guess he had help.

His mom has MS and dementia. On my scale of suckatude, this rates a 10 while “I’m stuck living at home where it’s lousy compared to dorm life but I have to because I want a great job and a great place to live” rates a 2, maybe 4 if OP does the right thing and pitches in with good cheer for the short time he’s there.

If OP were 15 I’d be right there with you in sympathizing, but at 24 you should be a help to ill parents if you return to the nest, not a petulant, self-pitying resource vacuum.[/quote]
I don’t see it like that at all. His parents are not being generous. First off, they are his parents so he should be able to live at home (at 24) without it coming off as charity. [/quote]

Ahh, the entitlement mentality.

[quote]

The problem is that he is 24, a kid in many ways, so to expect him to have the skills and experience to deal with people in his parents’ condition is asking a lot. [/quote]

When does one stop being a kid? It’s obviously a process, but I think most people see a 24 year old as a man, who is probably able bodied and of sound mind to work for a living and start supporting himself. No one, regardless of age, is going to be immediately well equipped to handle parents with the issues the OP described, but something tells me this didn’t happen overnight and by 24 I’d expect a bit more maturity.

I empathize with OP’s situation, and if he’s just coming online to vent, no big deal as we all need to vent sometimes, but he does come off as displaying the victim mentality, IMO.

26

[quote]super saiyan wrote:
[/quote]
lolll

27

At 24 you are still a kid?

No.

You can vent, you can bitch and complain but what you can’t do is disrespect your parents in a case where they are dealing with things utterly beyond their control. His mother has dementia, something she didn’t sign up and for and he describes her as fucked up. His father, who has lived with his wife deteriorating for years has cracked under the pressure and he describes him as nuts.

The OP is in a bad spot but I’d feel a lot more sympathy if some love and understanding would have shone through in his post.

Yes, changing his mom’s diapers isn’t something he signed up for either but he seems quite incapable of seeing things from his parents’ perspective. They live it every moment of every day. In the moments she is lucid she is faced with the horror of losing her mind and her husband has to stand on the side lines and see it fucking happen day in day out knowing full well that nothing he does is going to make it go away.

You didn’t ask for my opinion and from your response I gather that you don’t care either but quite frankly, you need to man the fuck up. They are your parents. And while it sucks they need your help, the right thing to do is be there for them and not to disrespect them. And another thing, do it with love and let that shine through and you are going to get laid more often than you can imagine. Women love a giver, a care taker. Right now you don’t come across too well.

28

Wow… the situation surely sucks, that’s for sure.

This is my problem OP… your mom has dementia and MS. Your dad lives with the stress of his wife having this. Always. Not just when he’s home from school for a few weeks. You, in turn, refer to them as horrible parents. I have no respect for that.

Regardless of anything else that is said, I can’t respect your complaints. To make it about them being bad parents is too self-centered for me to feel sympathy for you. Just being honest. If you were complaining about the situation and not BLAMING it on your parents like they’re supposed to be some perfect 2 people who never make mistakes and do everything for you is too much.

Did she not change your diapers when you wore them? At any time of the night? For years? Doing for her what she did for you is really the least you can do.

Like I said, the situation sucks and I feel for you in that aspect. I don’t know what I’d do if my mom was like that, I’d feel bad because I love her, not because I’d feel sorry for myself having to help her. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if my dad started acting out due to the situation, getting older and more frustrated from his own health problems does not help him deal with it very well. Being human, he’s liable to have visible reactions.

I’m going to say something else you won’t like hearing… it sounds like your parents need you. Not only should you stay there and help them, you should get a job so that you can help support them, not so you can move out and leave them hanging. It’s time for you to man up, stop being self-centered, and help out your parents. The situation will get better if you do this.

Look out for your family, man, don’t look for ways to ditch them when they’re later in life and having health problems. That’s fucked up, any way you slice it.

Your mom may not appreciate it (and again, it’s not her fault, which you need to be able to empathise with since it’s your mom), but your dad will get better and start coming around, which is a huge plus. Just my 2 cents.

The situation sucks, yes, but character is built during times like this. What is the measure of your character?

29

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I am 24 and have finished school. I am home until I can find full time job at which time I will be moving out ASAP. My parents are pretty fucked up to be blunt. The best years of my life were far away in school and I feel like I have regressed to my highschool days where I have to lock myself in my room or be very defensive and on alert to make it through the day.

[/quote]

Referring to your parents as ‘fucked-up’ leads me to believe that you haven’t yet learned to take your emotions out of it and distinguish between whether behaviour is due to illness or a flawed personality. I lived through a similar (though not identical) situation and it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

30

I should have realized a lot of people who do not know what they are talking about would have thrown their 2 cents in. Won’t make the same mistake on this forum again.

31

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
I should have realized a lot of people who do not know what they are talking about would have thrown their 2 cents in. Won’t make the same mistake on this forum again.[/quote]

What makes you think that people don’t know what they’re talking about? That they disagree with you?

32

Yes

33

OK, not sarcastic and annoyed answer. Lots of people are drawing conclusions about my life which is totally unjustified and inaccurate based on the narrow band of information I provided in my original post.

My favorite and easiest example: I just got out of school and am looking for a job. I moved back in with my parents to save rent money. Rent is at least $700(no food or utilities) for a garbage place. I have already taken out an extra 10k in student loans, under my name, to avoid going home months ago. The average unemployment is duration is 6 months, so figure I would lose at least $4200 before I land a job if I am lucky. I worked at wall mart over the summer to supplement my income working 30 hours a week taking home no more than 1200 a month. By the end of the month I had no spending money. I could spend those hours looking for a real job. Bug according to some people “building character” is more important than making a real living.

Don’t even get me started on the fallacy of “building character”

So based on what I read, I should be working a dead end job, paying rent unnecessarily, enjoy cleaning my moms crap because its a character building activity, I should excuse my Dads behavior because he is stressed but somehow I am just as stressed and I do not act out like him, and apparently I am an adult child because I am looking for a real job but saving rent money by living home.

Its pretty clear some posters have no idea what they are talking about. I dont take those oppinions seriously, I will not listen to them, they are wrong.

34

Oh and I should take the emotion out of the fact that my mom is terminally I’ll and my dad has debilitating abusive anger problems. We got some real Harvard graduates here.

35

AND… apparently, nothing I described previously should be considered “fucked up”!! OK, then what is fucked up?? Tell me. The fact that you didn’t maintain your kill to death ratio on Call of Duty? Its this complete lack of insight and willingness to draw conclusions without sufficient information that lends me to believe some posters are completely clueless.

36

I feel you bro.

I’ve told two people this in 3 years:

My dad has major depression. He stopped working for 6 months after my grandmother died three years ago. He couldn’t lift his head off the couch for four months because it was too draining. He went back to work and then got laid off. He takes all kinds of meds. He just gave up. My parents are probably going to have to sell the house that I and they live in.

It’s not an emotion I can convey to people when my dad loses his mind and my identity as a man goes with it. I really don’t care about any of the crap that comes with his problems, just that. A carpet got pulled out from under me and I still don’t fully have an idea of what is what when I’m forced to question everything single thing in the world. Sometimes I want to throw up just being around him.

Am what am I supposed to do about it?

Nothing.

T’Nation has literally saved me from being the same way.

You’re probably in a bad way if you’re posting your own thread about it but you can’t let it get to you or you end up the same way.

37

I don’t know what it’s like to deal with your situation.

What I do know is you need to find a way to get a break, calm down, and clear your head.

Only you know how to do that for yourself. Take a walk, hit the gym, take a 3 hour roadtrip to nowhere, whatever. You’re a little wound up right now (and I’m pretty sure you realize it), so just find a way to back down from that.

Good luck.

38

Here’s how I look at it- By the time I was 22 my dad had drank himself yellow via chronic alcoholism. We had a shitty relationship for several years prior. That year in the end of October he was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer in his lungs, liver, pancreas, and brain. By the beginning of December he was dead.

I look back on that period of my life with a good bit of guilt and shame for my part in it. There really are some things in life you only get one shot at, then you live for decades with the result. Think long and hard about your attitude and behavior toward the people you love because when they are gone, thats it. No do overs.

39

OP,

I feel bad for you. I really do. But…

I kept nodding my head reading Emily’s post. You gotta snap out of it. Yes, your situation sucks. But it’s the time in your life where you have to stop being a “kid” and start being an “adult.” Yes, it sucks that that happens before you are 25.

I don’t know your parent’s situation, but perhaps it’s time to find another place for your mother to live.

I don’t know about your situation, but it really sounds like you could benefit from some serious therapy/counseling/whatever.

I don’t know about your father’s situation, but it sounds like he needs some therapy and some help nursing his sick wife.

'Course I’m probably just another person who “doesn’t understand.” So ignore this if you prefer.

-My 2 cents.

40

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
Here’s how I look at it- By the time I was 22 my dad had drank himself yellow via chronic alcoholism. We had a shitty relationship for several years prior. That year in the end of October he was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer in his lungs, liver, pancreas, and brain. By the beginning of December he was dead.

I look back on that period of my life with a good bit of guilt and shame for my part in it. There really are some things in life you only get one shot at, then you live for decades with the result. Think long and hard about your attitude and behavior toward the people you love because when they are gone, thats it. No do overs.
[/quote]

I’d take a good, serious read at this. Hasn’t happened to me (and I hope it never will), but at the same time ask yourself this: If both your parents dropped dead in front of you tomorrow morning, would you still be having the same feelings towards them?

This isn’t asked to trivialise what you’re going through, but rather to try and put things in perspective.