I have gone up in size. I hope it doesn’t turn into a pudge factory like I have been in the past when I gain weight. My bw is around 172 in the mornings when I go into work, here and there it’ll be 168, so that range is where I am hanging out.
The biggest part of my back under my boobs is 42 inches, waist is still 30 thank God, and my biggest part of my hip/butt is 41. Back is as big as its ever been and my butt/hips too. My arms are bigger as well, hopefully some is tricep since I need those lil guys.
As long as I don’t get a massive sausage gut and love handles of death like I have had in the past I am ok with the increase in size and increase in body weight. Its something I worked to get.
Things have changed for me. In the past I primarily focused on pound for pound strength in a WILKS type frame of mind. I did this because once upon a time my numbers as a power lifter where competitive! This was a LONG time ago but it was when I first started lifting so it stuck with me for a long time.
Back in 2004 Powerlifting USA magazines that my ex had were the only information I had about women who lifted and there was very little of that in there to pick from. Laura Phelps was an geared lifter and she was really the only girl I saw in there. I also should say that until 3 years ago I thought most lifters were all natural–men and women.
They used to have pages and pages of meet results making up the vast majority of the magazine. Back then there was not a ton of information available and also not a lot of female lifters that I could look to for comparison. Less meets, less lifters, less females in my wt class compared to the huge number today. The ones I did see I thought I compared to and it made me want to compete since at the time I had a shot at wining.
Also at the time in my life, my ex was not my ex, he was who I was with. He encouraged me to start lifting in the first place. Once I finally did after a long time of refusing to join him since he was a power lifter himself and I was a cardio queen, it was a big deal that I got going into it. we had a squat rack in the trailer we lived in in the middle of nowhere Texas.
Once I did finally get going on lifting, I began to think I was surprisingly strong and this was something he really thought was incredible. It changed the way he saw me and it boosted my confidence at a time when I REALLY had not a lot to be happy about in my life. Lifting gave me something to be proud of.
Thinking and feeling for the first time that I was good at something, even talented -even if I truly was not, with the information I had available I thought I was and had others backing up this idea.
Thinking I had a talent like that really was the first time I ever felt proud of myself in my life. I was 22. I was within about 4 years of being a “recovered” aka normal body wt anorexic. I had been filling those 4 years of up and down body wt with binging, depression, that kind of thing.
Part of my recovering from anorexia, my body wt went from 102 to 130 in order to not b hospitalized. My doctor would admit me if I dropped below 130, that was the rule. I picked up bad habits from fellow ED friends, and one was eating out of control and quickly putting on wt since it had helped keep me out of the hospital. I had two speeds- ALL or NOTHING.
I was “recovered” but started binging and my wt went from 130 to 169 fast. None of it was athletic body weight either - it was PUDGE. Due to my history with excessive exercise, it was an unspoken rule at my parents house that I was not allowed to exercise. My sister helped enforce this, it was out of concern and love but it was what it was- I was not to be trusted to exercise. During the low body wt days I had snuck out and been caught exercising too many times and they were wise to all the tricks. If I wanted to not cause trouble I followed the rules.
I had so much guilt from putting my parents through the ringer with my anorexia that I didn’t push back on this. I was under their roof, I lived by their “rules”. I am a dutiful daughter. I know now that I was sick and did not become a crazy anorexic girl on purpose at all, however my parents and family are just people too who are not experts on any of that.
Anyways. I began to lift in Texas and I gained a huge boost of confidence and it meant a lot to me right away. I’ll always be forever grateful to my ex for introducing me to lifting and he gets that credit for that. And for being the first person to encourage me to do it, giving me something I could be proud of myself for. This was one positive from that relationship.
Years and year later after I had left Texas, and after I had come back from England I deiced to try competing.
My first meet was in 2010 and I tied an american record dead lift…at 320# HA! That was the record for the 181 USAPL women then. My 2nd meet I won my wt class now as a dieted down 165 and was qualified for nationals. I entered USAPL Nationals, trained for that meet and then freaked out and pulled out of the meet the night before becuse I was too anxious.
I was in the same class as Kim Watford, we would have been lifting together…me with my 320 ish squat at the time, 335 MAYBE deadlift, and a 140 bench. That was competitive enough way back then to go to Nationals! Now its not even close!
NOT ANYMORE! HA! It took me until about 2 years ago to figure this out and not be hurt emotionally that I was nowhere near as talented as the lifters these days and let that idea go.
By then I had injuries as well as a lot of trouble fitting in a wt class since I sat normally between the classes USAPL had of under 165 and over 165. Dieting down to be sure I’d get into the 165 cost me a lot of grief and would tempt my old demon of a eating disorder to come out of the shadows and the cycle would come back of excessive exercise and dropping down wt, then bottoming out and then binging after.
My life also is far less stressful! My clinic is a great clinic, I don’t work ER anymore, I have a super chill dog! I’ve dropped bad habits. I have more to be excited about generally then pushing and pushing and exhausting myself so I can be calmed from the stressors in my life.
LONG explanation to say I am maturing. I don’t need to be pound for pound strong, or aiming to be smaller then my body is asking me to be. I just need to be able to LIFT.
I know my limitations, I know my faults. I know I can’t be anything I want to be and that no amount of pushing at forcing will do that. Its a relief to let that go since I can now focus on something I am actually capable of achieving, contentment with own my freaking body and what it want to be.
And I can. My back and body seems to be ready to fill out now that I am giving it what it wanted for a long time. Love and care, gratitude and nourishment.
