For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. 4th through 7th grade I can recall being pudgy and being the kid struggling to run the mile, clocking in times of 13 minutes. Thankfully, being genetically tall, by 8th grade I had grown upwards enough to be lean, and I remained this way through most of high school. 11th grade is where my body started to change horizontally again.
I had my fist real relationship which led to the appearance of an anxiety condition, and this condition continued to plague me throughout college. From 11th grade to the end of my senior year in college, I had put on probably close to 100 lbs. It was when I reached 260 lbs during the summer of 2015, that I finally felt disgusted enough by myself to do something about it.
I started to religiously count calories and managed to get down into the 220s, although I was lacking in muscle definition. I ended up putting the weight back on (of course) and in late 2016, I picked up weight lifting in combination with calorie counting, and yo-yoed between 220 and 250 until I met another girlfriend in 2019.
This girlfriend was a vegan, and as I’m sure many of you have experienced, it is incredibly difficult to diet when you are constantly eating meals with other people. I somehow managed to not gain a ton of weight during this relationship, but the yo-yoing still existed.
During some point in this relationship I had some kind of psychological break, and eventually ended up enrolling in therapy to deal with the anxiety condition. In 2020, we ended up splitting right during the midst of COVID.
I was so low at this point of my life, and for a variety of reasons, I ended up deciding that starting a treatment of SSRI’s was the correct course of action. I ballooned up to 275 lbs by the summer of 2021, but other areas of my life were beginning to work themselves out.
Once I hit 275, I tried the keto diet, and was able to get sub 230 over the course of about 3-4 months. My weight since then has gone up, then down 5-10 lbs, then back up again. My anxiety condition had subsided, women were still dating me, and I more than doubled my income at work so I continued to take the medicine. I was constantly emotionally numb though.
During the fall, I decided it was time to get off SSRIs. I was tired of not feeling. Finally, the emotions are starting to return. I am starting to care again. This past weekend, I experienced another low point.
To ring in the New Year, my friends and I ended up staying at the vacation home of one of our friends. There weren’t enough rooms for everyone to have their own, so we all ended up sharing rooms. Many friends in this group likely fall on the spectrum and are not the best about dealing with sensitive topics.
Every morning, the two guys I was rooming with made it a point to comment on how loud I snore (I know I snore) and how they were unable to sleep because of it/how I slept through my iPhone alarm one morning.
Beyond the daily shaming, I saw photos of myself and it finally clicked how absolutely disgusting I look right now.
At this point I don’t know what to do anymore. I have lost weight countless times, so it’s not a matter of how to do it. The question is, how do I keep it off? The thought of putting sustained effort into something that is just going to revert to the state I’m in now is so soul crushing.
People who have lost weight and have managed to keep it off, how did you do it? The odds seem to be against success here, but I don’t want to give up. Was there something you changed in yourself internally to escape the vicious cycle of yo-yoing? Or was it a matter of finally getting a habit to stick? I am really desperate for lasting change.