[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
When I was single, a few times I would meet a guy, hang out a couple of times, was very upfront that I was dating other people and at some point, they would tell me that if I had sex with other people, they wouldn’t eat me out.
[/quote]
This had nothing to do with keeping you exclusive. This has to do with accidental ingestion of semen, however indirect. I’m a pretty open-minded guy, but ingestion of semen is pretty gay.
As an aside, I had a girlfriend that had turned into a fuck buddy that had a boyfriend. She liked me to fuck her and then get dumbass to eat her out. She thought it was hilarious.
BINGO.
It’s not bat-shit crazy. Many a person who never wanted kids changes their minds when they find the “one” and want to create a little person with that “one.” In fact, I think that is the norm. So it’s logical to leave that option open.
[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
When I was single, a few times I would meet a guy, hang out a couple of times, was very upfront that I was dating other people and at some point, they would tell me that if I had sex with other people, they wouldn’t eat me out.
[/quote]
This had nothing to do with keeping you exclusive. This has to do with accidental ingestion of semen, however indirect. I’m a pretty open-minded guy, but ingestion of semen is pretty gay.
As an aside, I had a girlfriend that had turned into a fuck buddy that had a boyfriend. She liked me to fuck her and then get dumbass to eat her out. She thought it was hilarious.
BINGO.
It’s not bat-shit crazy. Many a person who never wanted kids changes their minds when they find the “one” and want to create a little person with that “one.” In fact, I think that is the norm. So it’s logical to leave that option open.[/quote]
To expand upon the “eating out” provision… I can certainly understand a guy doesn’t want to second hand snowball some other dude’s load. Similarly, unless previously agreed upon, I would not want to be licking some chicks cum off of my bf’s cock.
However, if I were to fuck a dude on Saturday night, assuming no condom was used, how long before all cum residue is gone? I get two weekends a month without my daughter, I’m gonna go ahead and say that this gives me plenty of time to tidy things up. Now, I could fuck someone else and not tell him, or I can be upfront and tell him that he can shove his offer up his ass.
It also has to do with how the entire proposition was framed. When I met my current bf he told me that he really wanted to see me again, but that he wasn’t comfortable being with someone who was seeing other people. He then left it up to me to decide what I wanted. The “no tongue for you” guy made a similar proposal regarding a NSA scenario. I declined but he continued to try to convince me.
Look. I understand what you are saying, but I was upfront about seeing other people. It is his decision whether he wants to see me again or not. It is, however, none of his business who I see or what I do with that person. I presented the facts, it is his decision to play by my rules or walk out the door. Instead, he tried to come in the back door (no pun intended).
The child thing is a completely different animal. I had my daughter at 26 and got divorced shortly there after. There is a negative stigma already associated with a single mother and I’ll be damned if I am going to be that woman with two kids from two different men. That is not a judgement on anyone who is, but it is not me.
I lost a good portion of my late 20s earning years to raising a child. If I had another one in my 30s I might as well claim my parking space at Walmart because I am going to have difficulty finding a job better than that. No. Children were off the table and quite frankly, it would take something truly spectacular to convince me to get married again because, yeah, twice divorced is not my thing.
I’m 36 and not some 20 something party girl doing body shots talking about not wanting a kid. I know what I want and the fact that I was considering going against that to keep a man happy is where the problem lies. I used a child as a most extreme example, but I can look back on my past and see any number of times I caved on things that were important to me to keep a guy happy or even to not lose him.
It’s one thing to spend 4 hours at a car show with a guy when you were pretty much done in one. That is working with a relationship. It is another thing to move, quit your job, cut off friends, get up at 5:30 in the morning to make him breakfast and pack his lunch because if you don’t he will spend money you don’t have buying food on the road (all of which I am embarrassed to say I have done). All this does is make you start to resent the other person and once that happens, it is tough to ever really let it go. You originally do it because you love the person, but if it is not innate to who you are, you can only keep the charade up for so long before it crashes down on top of you.
[quote]MaximusB wrote:
You’re not a bitch Spock, not in the slightest.
Women typically think it’s their fault when shit happens, and it usually is their fault, but not in this case.
He proved himself to be full of shit, better you learned this sooner than later.
Best thing you can do, is eliminate all contact, and let his mind wonder as to what the hell or who the hell you are now doing. [/quote]
This is exactly what I plan on doing… I am curious though, what am I supposed to do if he texts me?
The other day he asked if I wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle with him.
I said no obviously, but am I supposed to tell him that I am finished with all this and to stop contacting me cause that seems super mean, LOl…
And with regards to not ditching him right after he “cheated” on me, I guess I just figured that because we weren’t actually boyfriend girlfriend that it wasn’t real cheating and I didn’t really have a huge right to be pissed.
I KNOW HOLY SHIT I AM SO SPINELESS/WEAK.
I mean obviously I know I have man issues, but I do feel that I am learning. I just have a real hard time not bending over backwards for them because I want so badly for something to work out.
Clearly that in itself could be a huge reason why nothing ever works out.
WHATEVER.
[quote]MaximusB wrote:
You’re not a bitch Spock, not in the slightest.
Women typically think it’s their fault when shit happens, and it usually is their fault, but not in this case.
He proved himself to be full of shit, better you learned this sooner than later.
Best thing you can do, is eliminate all contact, and let his mind wonder as to what the hell or who the hell you are now doing. [/quote]
This is exactly what I plan on doing… I am curious though, what am I supposed to do if he texts me?
The other day he asked if I wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle with him.
I said no obviously, but am I supposed to tell him that I am finished with all this and to stop contacting me cause that seems super mean, LOl…
[quote]MaximusB wrote:
You’re not a bitch Spock, not in the slightest.
Women typically think it’s their fault when shit happens, and it usually is their fault, but not in this case.
He proved himself to be full of shit, better you learned this sooner than later.
Best thing you can do, is eliminate all contact, and let his mind wonder as to what the hell or who the hell you are now doing. [/quote]
This is exactly what I plan on doing… I am curious though, what am I supposed to do if he texts me?
The other day he asked if I wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle with him.
I said no obviously, but am I supposed to tell him that I am finished with all this and to stop contacting me cause that seems super mean, LOl…
And with regards to not ditching him right after he “cheated” on me, I guess I just figured that because we weren’t actually boyfriend girlfriend that it wasn’t real cheating and I didn’t really have a huge right to be pissed.
I KNOW HOLY SHIT I AM SO SPINELESS/WEAK.
I mean obviously I know I have man issues, but I do feel that I am learning. I just have a real hard time not bending over backwards for them because I want so badly for something to work out.
Clearly that in itself could be a huge reason why nothing ever works out.
WHATEVER.
You live, you learn says my Dear Alanis !!
[/quote]
Ignore his texts. He’s been an asshole. Learn not to tolerate bad behavior or worse, apologize.
[quote]MaximusB wrote:
You’re not a bitch Spock, not in the slightest.
Women typically think it’s their fault when shit happens, and it usually is their fault, but not in this case.
He proved himself to be full of shit, better you learned this sooner than later.
Best thing you can do, is eliminate all contact, and let his mind wonder as to what the hell or who the hell you are now doing. [/quote]
This is exactly what I plan on doing… I am curious though, what am I supposed to do if he texts me?
The other day he asked if I wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle with him.
I said no obviously, but am I supposed to tell him that I am finished with all this and to stop contacting me cause that seems super mean, LOl…
And with regards to not ditching him right after he “cheated” on me, I guess I just figured that because we weren’t actually boyfriend girlfriend that it wasn’t real cheating and I didn’t really have a huge right to be pissed.
I KNOW HOLY SHIT I AM SO SPINELESS/WEAK.
I mean obviously I know I have man issues, but I do feel that I am learning. I just have a real hard time not bending over backwards for them because I want so badly for something to work out.
Clearly that in itself could be a huge reason why nothing ever works out.
WHATEVER.
You live, you learn says my Dear Alanis !!
[/quote]
You CALL him and just let him know that you decided the relationship wasn’t working for you anymore. Wish him well and go on with your day (yes. easier said than done). Be the bigger person and don’t just vanish. Also, don’t unload a list of reasons why it didn’t work out. This opens the door for him to attempt to sway you or even try to blame it all on you. Say your peace and go.
I hate to tell you, but you are more than likely going to make this mistake again. The trick is to realize you are doing it as soon as possible and change it. Right now, your brain is hardwired to react to situations in a certain way, you need to reprogram yourself. It takes time and practice.
Its a damn shame that AC’s threads are gone because, even though I was not looking to meet women, I got some great advice from those. Start small. Say hi to the clerk at the grocery store or in other low pressure situations. Just get accustomed to interacting with people socially.
I used to be one of those girls that guys would always tell to smile (FTR, please stop doing this guys). Now I smile more and can say hi to a guy without being afraid that he thinks I am hitting on him and oh my god he probably is disgusted by the idea of me hitting on him because who am I? I am way out of his league and he is going to go home and laugh about me with his friends and his probably really hot girlfriend about how some geeky hag smiled and said thank you when he held the door for her. Oh the horror!
Once you let all of that shit go it makes you more approachable. People can sense when you are closed off and if you remain that way, you will remain alone. Have you ever been someplace and you see someone you know from someplace else and you think you should say hi but there is no way they would remember you and it would be embarrassing? If you recognize them, there is a good chance they will recognize you. A simple smile and nod of acknowledgement is a great place to start. Work on the small. You are trying to tackle Everest when it might be best for you to make sure you have the proper equipment.
[quote]theBeth wrote:
Try someone like Varq or Bauber who actually have something to offer - what I’m saying is doing things the same way time after time renders the same results. Break the pattern. And be stingy with the vag. [/quote]
I thank you for the compliment, BUT why all you womens just want us for what we can offers? =P
I am cool with vag stinginess as long as you help me prepare my meals (naked), can carry an intelligent conversation with me, and routinely tell me how awesome and huge I am.
It sounds like you did the right thing to me Spock. I get more than my fair share of attention from women around the few gyms I frequent and I am not anything special looking. Most, not all, are crushing on the facts that I have a little money, drive a few nice cars, and seem to be going places. Through a little trial and error I am now able to detect that from a mile away, most of the time.
Don’t settle and stick to your guns. If you don’t, in the long run you will end up with someone who makes you miserable.
[quote]theBeth wrote:
Try someone like Varq or Bauber who actually have something to offer - what I’m saying is doing things the same way time after time renders the same results. Break the pattern. And be stingy with the vag. [/quote]
I am cool with vag stinginess as long as you don’t mind the 5 side pieces I have lined up.
Don’t settle and stick to your guns. If you don’t, in the long run you will end up with someone who makes you miserable.[/quote]
[quote]theBeth wrote:
Try someone like Varq or Bauber who actually have something to offer - what I’m saying is doing things the same way time after time renders the same results. Break the pattern. And be stingy with the vag. [/quote]
I am cool with vag stinginess as long as you don’t mind the 5 side pieces I have lined up.
Don’t settle and stick to your guns. If you don’t, in the long run you will end up with someone who makes you miserable.[/quote]
[quote]theBeth wrote:
Try someone like Varq or Bauber who actually have something to offer - what I’m saying is doing things the same way time after time renders the same results. Break the pattern. And be stingy with the vag. [/quote]
I am cool with vag stinginess as long as you don’t mind the 5 side pieces I have lined up.
Don’t settle and stick to your guns. If you don’t, in the long run you will end up with someone who makes you miserable.[/quote]
Fixed that for ya man.
[/quote]
Shhhhh stop giving out all my secrets.[/quote]
I mean, I would think a hot woman cooking my meals naked all the time would be a situation in which I am LEAST accepting of vag stinginess, that’s like leaving a steak in front of a dog. Sure he can be trained not to eat it, but it’s still torture.
[quote]theBeth wrote:
Try someone like Varq or Bauber who actually have something to offer - what I’m saying is doing things the same way time after time renders the same results. Break the pattern. And be stingy with the vag. [/quote]
I am cool with vag stinginess as long as you don’t mind the 5 side pieces I have lined up.
Don’t settle and stick to your guns. If you don’t, in the long run you will end up with someone who makes you miserable.[/quote]
I don’t know you but from what you describe you went into this with your eyes open. You seem smart. So I am going to be frank and tell you how I see it.
Guy tells you he is just getting over a big relationship break up. This means no commitment yet and I might fuck other people. You are a smart girl and this is what I would get from that kind of statement. So should you. Also he is going to do relationship stuff cause he is lonely. Wants a kind of connection again.
Next he liked fucking you. If you wanted him stick around more don’t over think things. Women have known since the start of time most guys love a woman with their dicks and their stomach/heart. If you can get 2 out of the 3 the rest will follow. Just takes time. And its not like your being used or some other bullshit. Your getting laid and so is he. Its 50/50 you get something too.
Then you did the dumbest thing a smart girl can do. No commitment = no sex. You might get some nice behavior for a bit. But some other lonely girl might come along and steal your ride. Or his eyes might wonder away from you. Cause by closing the door to something that was ok at one time tells him. Wow this girl is a fucked up control freak and is into head games. So he might actively start chasing other girls and not waste his time.
Yeah he might not be Mr perfect but he told you flat out. He is fucked up right now.
You have 2 choices. Fuck him and get yours too. or split and cool things off for a while.
I don’t know you but from what you describe you went into this with your eyes open. You seem smart. So I am going to be frank and tell you how I see it.
Guy tells you he is just getting over a big relationship break up. This means no commitment yet and I might fuck other people. You are a smart girl and this is what I would get from that kind of statement. So should you. Also he is going to do relationship stuff cause he is lonely. Wants a kind of connection again.
Next he liked fucking you. If you wanted him stick around more don’t over think things. Women have known since the start of time most guys love a woman with their dicks and their stomach/heart. If you can get 2 out of the 3 the rest will follow. Just takes time. And its not like your being used or some other bullshit. Your getting laid and so is he. Its 50/50 you get something too.
Then you did the dumbest thing a smart girl can do. No commitment = no sex. You might get some nice behavior for a bit. But some other lonely girl might come along and steal your ride. Or his eyes might wonder away from you. Cause by closing the door to something that was ok at one time tells him. Wow this girl is a fucked up control freak and is into head games. So he might actively start chasing other girls and not waste his time.
Yeah he might not be Mr perfect but he told you flat out. He is fucked up right now.
You have 2 choices. Fuck him and get yours too. or split and cool things off for a while.
[/quote]
SEE these are all the things I was worrying about in my head!!!
But I just don’t know if this is healthy for me.
After he told me he fucked someone else I started getting paranoid that he was doing other people all the time.
EX: He went to the bathroom and I was in his bed and I looked down and realized I was playing with a long blonde strand of hair.
So my mind was like UMM
WELL THIS ISN’T MIND
I AM NOT BLONDE
AHHHH
Also he was in his room talking on his phone under his covers one day and I thought that was weird.
LIKE
UMMMMMM
WHO U TALKIN’ WITH?!
I never said anything about either of these things because I am not sure if it’s me being paranoid or if they are real things, Lol.
Either way I am clearly insecure.
I am fairly certain he has only ever had bar sluts in his life and he has no idea what to do with me.
I don’t know you but from what you describe you went into this with your eyes open. You seem smart. So I am going to be frank and tell you how I see it.
Guy tells you he is just getting over a big relationship break up. This means no commitment yet and I might fuck other people. You are a smart girl and this is what I would get from that kind of statement. So should you. Also he is going to do relationship stuff cause he is lonely. Wants a kind of connection again.
Next he liked fucking you. If you wanted him stick around more don’t over think things. Women have known since the start of time most guys love a woman with their dicks and their stomach/heart. If you can get 2 out of the 3 the rest will follow. Just takes time. And its not like your being used or some other bullshit. Your getting laid and so is he. Its 50/50 you get something too.
Then you did the dumbest thing a smart girl can do. No commitment = no sex. You might get some nice behavior for a bit. But some other lonely girl might come along and steal your ride. Or his eyes might wonder away from you. Cause by closing the door to something that was ok at one time tells him. Wow this girl is a fucked up control freak and is into head games. So he might actively start chasing other girls and not waste his time.
Yeah he might not be Mr perfect but he told you flat out. He is fucked up right now.
You have 2 choices. Fuck him and get yours too. or split and cool things off for a while.
[/quote]
SEE these are all the things I was worrying about in my head!!!
But I just don’t know if this is healthy for me.
After he told me he fucked someone else I started getting paranoid that he was doing other people all the time.
EX: He went to the bathroom and I was in his bed and I looked down and realized I was playing with a long blonde strand of hair.
So my mind was like UMM
WELL THIS ISN’T MIND
I AM NOT BLONDE
AHHHH
Also he was in his room talking on his phone under his covers one day and I thought that was weird.
LIKE
UMMMMMM
WHO U TALKIN’ WITH?!
I never said anything about either of these things because I am not sure if it’s me being paranoid or if they are real things, Lol.
Either way I am clearly insecure.
I am fairly certain he has only ever had bar sluts in his life and he has no idea what to do with me.
[/quote]
Welp your a smart gal. You have a good read on things. You just need to figure out what you want. You gonna ride or are you going to split.
If I were you, I would split. This is not your scene with this guy. He wants to play with everyone and everything. From what you say you are not built for that.
But I would fuck him one last time so you get it good and hard. Then go ahhhhh much better. Thanks for the ride and then say see yah later.
[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
Maybe this is an age thing, but if you are exclusive, how are you not dating? In my definition, you can go on a date with someone and NOT have it exclusive. The minute you give up the option to date other people, you are officially bf/gf (wow. that sounds very high school.)
Some guys will try to convince you into shit like this so they can have their cake and eat it too. When I was single, a few times I would meet a guy, hang out a couple of times, was very upfront that I was dating other people and at some point, they would tell me that if I had sex with other people, they wouldn’t eat me out. Like somehow the thought of my pussy losing access to their amazing tongue was so horrifying that I would willing cut off all dating options just to hold on to the sweet, sweet cunnilingus. It’s a bullshit move and allows him to ensure I don’t see anyone else while not offering up any sort of commitment on his end.
You were looking for a relationship, he wasn’t. Either he is OK with you keeping your options open and seeing other people or you kick him to the curb. No changing his mind. No saving him. You get the fuck out and find someone who wants the same things you want. I don’t care how similar you are. You want different things. No amount of laughing or enjoyment of similar activities is going to change the fact that you are not at the same place. Stop selling yourself short and changing what you want, just to make him happy.
You want to stop by work and suck his cock. Fine. Do it. But, don’t do it just because you think it will make you seem more awesome. That is actually unfair to the guy. He thinks he is dating a girl who actually wants to do all of that stuff, but really you are only doing it to get him to like you more. Honestly, it looks like the two of you were playing the same game. You used sex to get the intimacy and eventual relationship you wanted while he used intimacy and friendship to get the sex he wanted.
This may come across a bit harsh, but I am saying it because I have been there. I’ve tried to be everything to everybody and after a while I forgot who I was and what I wanted. You don’t have to have the same interests as the other person. It is great that you are into comics and anime and minecraft. That is your thing. Nothing wrong with that. But, if you are relying on these things to make you more attractive to someone else, you are limiting yourself and what you have to offer.
I did it with sports. Yes. I enjoy sports, but I tried to turn myself into a damned sports encyclopedia just so I could be that girl who was really into sports. It was a facade and all because I didn’t have faith that just being me was enough. That I needed an extra edge on the “hot chicks” to compete for a guy. Looking back, I can see it was all bullshit. I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to demand more. I was too scared that I would never find that person who would be with me because I am fucking awesome.
You want to know how extreme it was? I have a 9 year old. I don’t want to have anymore children and haven’t wanted any other children pretty much since she was born. One day, while discussing various birth control options, my current bf asked me why I didn’t just get my tubes tied if I never wanted to have kids. I said, “Because if I met someone and he wanted to have kids, I would have another”. Take a moment to think about that. I don’t want more kids, but I was willing to leave the window open and potentially go through 9 months of pregnancy, diapers, potty training, all of it just because it is what a guy wants. That’s fucking bat shit crazy! And yet, I never thought twice about it until my bf pointed it out.
Why be with someone if you aren’t heading the same direction? In this respect, the guy was right. He set the rules of exclusive but not dating (again, ?) and you agreed. You said yes with the HOPES it would change, but from his point of view, you were fine with the status quo. This gave him the ability to go out, meet other women and say, “No. I don’t have a gf” and not be a lying scum bag. It sounds like you agreed to a FWB set-up and all he had to do was hang out for a little and send you sweet messages. Either stand up to him and tell him exactly what you want, a monogamous, long term relationship that leads to marriage (possibly, I don’t know your intentions there) or he can leave. If he agrees, great. If he tries to weasel his way out with this “maybe I’ll be ready in a couple of months” bullshit, you walk out the door. Yes. It is hard, but you can do it. By sticking around with him, you are losing the chance to meet someone who is going to be everything you are looking for and want the same things you want.
[/quote]
[quote]Ronan wrote:
I gotta be honest, outside of SmilingPolitely’s post, this is a joke of a thread. You need to go see a professional. Someone who doesn’t have a internet psych degree. One of your biggest issues is wanting/needing attention. You need to get that under control. To post something intimate & expect actual ‘help responses’ is careless. These people who post ‘way to go’, they don’t know you. They don’t have a clue as to what else is going on in your life. To many variables to give a accurate response. You’re a grown woman for fucks sake, act like one.[/quote]
Let me get this right.
The people who have replied, myself included, seem to have set a positive tone and reminded her that these sort of bumps in life happen. I’d call it general advice. I don’t recall anyone going so far as to make a mental diagnosis, that’s for sure.
And we’re internet psychologists, correct?
You, on the other hand, have diagnosed her root condition from afar and concluded that she needs to see a professional (professional what, anyway?) to get her attention-seeking disorder under control.
And you are the voice of reason?
I think the OP can decide for herself to take or leave the advice she’s been given here. And she can certainly decide for herself if she needs professional help. She is a grown woman, for fucks sake.[/quote]
Agreed.
[quote]Ronan wrote:
I gotta be honest, outside of SmilingPolitely’s post, this is a joke of a thread. You need to go see a professional. Someone who doesn’t have a internet psych degree. One of your biggest issues is wanting/needing attention. You need to get that under control. To post something intimate & expect actual ‘help responses’ is careless. These people who post ‘way to go’, they don’t know you. They don’t have a clue as to what else is going on in your life. To many variables to give a accurate response. You’re a grown woman for fucks sake, act like one.[/quote]
Let me get this right.
The people who have replied, myself included, seem to have set a positive tone and reminded her that these sort of bumps in life happen. I’d call it general advice. I don’t recall anyone going so far as to make a mental diagnosis, that’s for sure.
And we’re internet psychologists, correct?
You, on the other hand, have diagnosed her root condition from afar and concluded that she needs to see a professional (professional what, anyway?) to get her attention-seeking disorder under control.
And you are the voice of reason?
I think the OP can decide for herself to take or leave the advice she’s been given here. And she can certainly decide for herself if she needs professional help. She is a grown woman, for fucks sake.[/quote]
Agreed.
We need to go get a beer. [/quote]
I’d like to join. That was a good post. I’ll buy…[/quote]
Great. Its a party now. Since you’re buying, here’s what I like to drink…
EX: He went to the bathroom and I was in his bed and I looked down and realized I was playing with a long blonde strand of hair.
So my mind was like UMM
WELL THIS ISN’T MIND
I AM NOT BLONDE
AHHHH
Also he was in his room talking on his phone under his covers one day and I thought that was weird.
LIKE
UMMMMMM
WHO U TALKIN’ WITH?!
I never said anything about either of these things because I am not sure if it’s me being paranoid or if they are real things, Lol.
Either way I am clearly insecure.
[/quote]
You may be insecure but these are normal concerns. If you are supposed to be exclusive with each other, you should not be finding another woman’s hair in his bed. Weather or not you are exclusive, he should not be talking on the phone under the covers. I bet you could kick this guys ass because any guy who would sneak under the covers to talk on the phone has to be a complete pussy.
