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First off, Iāve been there, so donāt start.
Second off, your wife doesnāt owe you sex (even if you make all the money and she stays at home).
Thirdly, youāre probably not doing anything to make your wife want to sleep with you. Go look in the mirror; would you fuck you?
IDK what the term for āfourthlyā would be, but your sexual initiations are probably bad. āDo you want to have sex?ā is anti-sexy.
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Ooh, fun topic. Lots to unpack. Iāll start with something my wife said once: āMen are a microwave; women are a slow cooker.ā So thereās that aspect of it.
And lots to talk about when it comes to hormones, natural female cycles, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, birth control (bad for mojo generally) and other more biological things. Dani got into a few of these in her article The 4 Factors of Female Libido.
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Is Dani implying men are usually done in 5 minutes or less? 
I tend to think of male and female libido as:
Womenās libido is often reactive, in the literal sense.
Menās libido is usually up and running, and the RPMs donāt stop.
A lot of guys complain that their girl doesnāt initiate. Well, frankly sheās probably not in the mood in the same way. To add to that, women are far more sensitive to rejection (and all negative emotions) than men.
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IMO, men own most of the responsibility if there is a problem in the bedroom. We romanced the women whom we wanted to be intimate. That was the ākeyā that we programmed in the women. Now that we are married, the men like to want to believe that they are entitled to sex. āSurely, she knows that I love her. Whatās the resistance?ā
A woman wants to be romanced even if she is married to you. She must always know that you love her, and only her. That is a high bar, when we men lust after women with a knock out body.
Iāll stop there for now. There are a multitude of other factors.
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Wait, 5 whole minutes? How inefficient! (Kidding, kiddingā¦)
I read something once, it may have been in the excellent book, She Comes First, about how foreplay for sex at night begins for females in the morning. As in, itās not a 30-second back rub, but more of all-day thing, and several things play into that that you wouldnāt think of when it comes to getting frisky.
That book also coined a cool term: coreplay as opposed to foreplay.
A study came out recently talking about frequency that was also interesting. For women, too much time between āsessionsā decreases sex drive. Sort of a use it or lose it phenomenon, and also a downward spiral. While more frequent sexy time leads toā¦ well, more sexy time. Men just get more amped up and desperate during dry spells, if theyāre healthy.
Of course, there are female-cycle phases: menstruation, follicular, ovulation, and luteal. Basically, women not on birth control have a week or so where libido is higher and a week or so where itās lower.
It gets kinda complex, but women whoāve used period trackers (thereās an app for that) say itās very true. I think thatās good to know for husbands, mainly so they donāt feel rejected if sheās in a natural down cycle.
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Excellent point, Iāve noticed this as well.
RE menstrual phasesā¦
Ovulation is typically when women are most aggressive. It is also known that this is the most likely timeframe in which a woman is going to be promiscuous (married or not) and probably should not be going out clubbing (married or not).
This is when their egg is most fertile - not a coincidence.
Interestingly, birth control tends to change the partner selection of women; women not on BC are more likely to be attracted to masculine men, whereas women on BC are more likely to be attracted to lesser masculine men.
There was a study or researcher (something along those lines) who had multiple bisexual females as clients. He started noticing a trend that during Follicular and Ovulation phases, these clients were interested in men; during Luteal and Menstrual phases, they were interested in women.
I have a theory. Sperm really only lives 5 days or less inside a womanā¦ I would imagine if said woman does not get action within those 5 days, that any leftover libido increase is gone.
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āYou have to date your wife.ā
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Whoa. Thatās fascinating.
Great addition. And I wonder if the natural ebb and flow of the female cycle also affects what a wife wants/needs from her husband at different times. For example, are there ācuddle with meā and āravage meā natural phases? Seems legit.
Look at us, dudes talking about what women want. Letās hear some female voices.
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I think a lot of men are just not interested in women on a fundamental level beyond an ornament on their life and masculine urges. You have to actually really crave and like knowing about your partner to pick up on and engage the behaviors and narratives that make them tick.
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In my experience? Yes, 100%. Follicular and Ovulation phases lending themselves to more masculine actions (aggression, etc), Luteal and Menstrual lending themselves more to cuddles and candles.
Eh, they donāt know what they want anyways
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Men are from mars and women are from venus
I thought it was Jupiter.
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Not according to the book
Do we really need to downgrade this thread with bullshit low effort posts?
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Letās be fair, āI thought it was Jupiterā was a smart response. Itās not low effort if itās Brevity.
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Itās such a crazy coincidence that this is a topic here. One of my favorite podcasts got into the weeds about female sex drive.
So whatever you may be going through with your spouse right now, at least your wife hasnāt been sexually turned off by you for three decades.
Iām convinced so many problems in the bedroom are biological. Get your bloodwork done, get your hormones fixed, eat enough, donāt overeat crap food, donāt over-exercise, simmer down on the alcohol, donāt spend every day in high-cortisol situations, and bedroom time will be great. (Barring sexual trauma, mental illness, or chronic disease, obvi.)
Actually physical fitness can be a hindrance to great sexy time for some. TC wrote about that before HERE but depending on how hard your training sessions are, your muscles can chronically tighten up and cause incredible pain instead of pleasure (a female issue). And when junk like that happens, itās a confusing situation.
Training hard should lead to health in all the ways, right? Well, not quite.
I was actually disappointed that the therapist in that podcast I linked to above didnāt mention anything biological. Heck, when my hormones are on point, just about everything will turn me on. Including me.
Anyway, great thread.
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This is so beautifully stated. 
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I donāt usually over analyze sex and my wife and I have plenty of it.
We are definitely a married couple and the whole ādate your wife foreverā or similar advice is bullshit imo. Even if I did bring flowers home every day sheād get tired of them.
You can bet your ass Iāll pull her sweatpants down, grab her messy bun and fuck her how I want to after a long day though.
This seems to work out well.
And, she does owe me. Not in a rapey, forced way but I have no problem being assertive to a point. Sheās my wife, my sole source of sex and I need that from her. Youād be surprised how many āheadachesā orgasms have cured.
I donāt know the deep psychology here but it seems to take care of the hunter and hunted, giver and receiver bullshit and sheās happy to take on the role of being submissive I guess, but again with limits.
Just keep fucking for the sake of fucking, even after the initial dating butterflies and post marriage honeymoon phase wears off 
Make it fun. Donāt let her go to bed without an orgasm for a month straight if youāre in a slump. Can be sex, oral, toys, mutual masturbation or whatever. Make it about her and get her hooked again. Sheāll be looking for the next one before you know it.
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Why do Good Guys always come last?
Why do they have to wait until theyāre in their 30ās for female attention?