‘Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?’
‘Yes. What can I do for you?’
‘I’m calling to report ‘bout my neighbor Virgil Smith…He’s hiding’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hiding it there.’
‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.’
The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
‘Hey, Virgil! It’s Floyd…Did the Sheriff come?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Did they chop up your firewood?’
‘Yep!’’
Happy Birthday, buddy!’
Big body builder dude with a tiny head is walking down the beach. Some guy is staring at him and can’t resist asking him about why he has such a large body and a little tiny head.
The big guy tells him that he used to be in the Navy and caught a mermaid one day while overseas on a small Pacific island. She wanted him to let her go and in return she would grant him 3 wishes. He asked for a million dollars and poof there it was. So then he wished for a big strong body, poof he was huge. Then he said he wanted to have sex with her because she was beautiful and sexy. She told him that it would be impossible because she was only a woman from the waist up and a fish from the waist down. So he said “how about a little head”.
This snail is walking in the park and three turtles come out of the bushes and surround him. They start making fun of him, then they beat him up and take his wallet. The police are called and ask the snail what happened. He tells them, then they ask for a description of the assailants. They snail says “I don’t know it all happened so fast”
A man is sitting in the hospital waiting room with his three children awaiting the birth of his fourth child.
With some time to kill, and restless young children he gathers them around and asks them, “Would you girls care to hear how you each got your names?”
“You would? Oh fantastic because it really is quite remarkable.”
He turns to his oldest. “Rose, yours was really a very difficult birth, but at the end you were resting contentendly in your mothers arms when a nurse carried in a bouquet of roses. Well one of those rose petals broke off, fluttered across the room and landed on your cute little nose. We had a name picked out but we decided to name you rose.”
His second daughter says, “Ooh daddy tell me how I got my name!”
The man says “Well when you were born, another very difficult birth, your grandmother sent us a bouquet of spring flowers, and when the nurse carried them in, a petal broke off a daisy, it fluttered across the room and landed on your cute little nose. So we named you Daisy!”
The third daughter says “Unnnh Blaaaaarrrrrrgnffff”
The man says “SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!”
LOLZ
This may be one of those doesnt read as well as its told in person jokes but its my go to.
Tomato Family is crossing the street in a hurry.
Momma Tomato and Daddy Tomato cross the street, but Little Tomato stays behing and slows everyone down. When he’s about to cross the street a car comes and squashed him on the pavement. Daddy Tomato turns around angrily, what does he says ?
“Ketchup!”
Lame, but I heard this one in 4th grade or something and it cracked me up.
Another one:
One Pirate capitain is looking for a new crew, he tells his first mate to go out and find volunteers. He wakes up the next day and has a big line of canditates waiting in front of the ship. He takes a good look at each and everyone of them and asks his First Mate.
“Fine selection of lads ye got here, but how ye know they are true pirates ?”
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.The Doctor asks: “What happened?”
The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
The Doctor says: “I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me! How does the tea do that?”
The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.
[quote]Eli B wrote:
A man is sitting in the hospital waiting room with his three children awaiting the birth of his fourth child.
With some time to kill, and restless young children he gathers them around and asks them, “Would you girls care to hear how you each got your names?”
“You would? Oh fantastic because it really is quite remarkable.”
He turns to his oldest. “Rose, yours was really a very difficult birth, but at the end you were resting contentendly in your mothers arms when a nurse carried in a bouquet of roses. Well one of those rose petals broke off, fluttered across the room and landed on your cute little nose. We had a name picked out but we decided to name you rose.”
His second daughter says, “Ooh daddy tell me how I got my name!”
The man says “Well when you were born, another very difficult birth, your grandmother sent us a bouquet of spring flowers, and when the nurse carried them in, a petal broke off a daisy, it fluttered across the room and landed on your cute little nose. So we named you Daisy!”
The third daughter says “Unnnh Blaaaaarrrrrrgnffff”
The man says “SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!”
LOLZ
This may be one of those doesnt read as well as its told in person jokes but its my go to.[/quote]
Wow, I sprayed drink everywhere. That’s quite possibly the funniest joke I’ve heard all year.
Theres a Cucumber, a pickle, and a penis, and they’re all playing poker.
The Cucumber and pickle say to the penis, “whats the point of winning, we all have nothing to live for!”
The penis askes “why is that my veggie friends?”
The vegetables go “we are going to die, we will get chopped into salads and eaten”
The penis reply’s “well you fuckers are lucky, I get torchered every fucking friday night! I get a bag over my head, get stuck in a deep dark hole, and I have to do push ups till I Puke!!”
[quote]DeltaOne wrote:
Tomato Family is crossing the street in a hurry.
Momma Tomato and Daddy Tomato cross the street, but Little Tomato stays behing and slows everyone down. When he’s about to cross the street a car comes and squashed him on the pavement. Daddy Tomato turns around angrily, what does he says ?
“Ketchup!”
Lame, but I heard this one in 4th grade or something and it cracked me up.
