Time for a Good Laugh

Off Topic
1

It has been a while since a saw a good joke thread up so you must all have some noew ones.

Mine are mostly from text msgs and may be offensive to some people, but if you can’t have a laugh then stop reading now.

Lets start with the best tattoo I have ever seen:

http://cristian.livadaru.net/wp-photos/20070926-102003-1.jpg

Jokes:

Midwife says to Paddy, “congratulations your wife just had triplets!” Paddy says “I am not suprised I have a cock like a chimney” Midwife replies " Well I would get it swept cos they’re all black"

Nike are now making trainers just for lesbians, you get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger

An Englishman, American and an Iraqi are at the top of the Empire state building, the American tells the Iraqi that the wind currents at the top of the building allow you to float on air, he then jumps off the side of the building floats around for 5 minutes and gets back onto the ledge, the Iraqi tries it and falls to his death, the Englishman says “Fuck me superman you are a cruel cunt when you are pissed”

An old lady and an old man meet in a nursing home, they fall in love and one night go to bed together, the next morning the man says to his lover “If I knew you was a virgin I would have took it slowly” She replies “If I knew you was going to get an erection I would have took my tights off”

Little sally came home from school and told her mum she saw Billy’s penis and it reminded her of a peanut “is that because it was really small?” asked her mum “No because it tasted really salty” replied Sally.

A married couple visit the zoo and when walking past the gorilla cage a big silverback notices the wife in her low cut top and hot pants and starts to get excited “why don’t you tease him a bit” says the husband, so the wife starts to rub herself up and the Gorilla gets very excited beating his chest and jumping up and down, the man then grabs his wife and pushes her into the cage locking the door behind her “Now tell HIM you have a fucking headache” shouts the husband as he wanders off.

There was controversy at last months Australian gold coast surf event, when the top place was won by an Indonesian man on a cupboard

That’s all I have for now.

Renton may chip in with his sick stuff later :slight_smile:

2

Where does Saddam Hussain put all his cd’s ? In-a -rack

What kind of wife knows where her husband is 24/7… A widow

What you call a man with a shovel… Doug
What you call a man without a shovel… Dougless :slight_smile: (i love shit jokes)

Whats white and blue and if it fell out of a tree could kill you??? A fridge wearing a denim jacket

Why did Hilter kill himself??.. Cause he saw his gas bill

3

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawkins after a house fire

4

:slight_smile:

Thats brilliant.

5

This is old, but definitely worth it.

What did Helen Keller name her dog?

Unnnghgh!

How did Helen Keller’s dog die?

Jumped from a cliff.

Why?

You would too if your name was Unnnghgh!

6

[quote]Electric_E wrote:

http://cristian.livadaru.net/wp-photos/20070926-102003-1.jpg

An Englishman, American and an Iraqi are at the top of the Empire state building, the American tells the Iraqi that the wind currents at the top of the building allow you to float on air.

He then jumps off the side of the building floats around for 5 minutes and gets back onto the ledge, the Iraqi tries it and falls to his death, the Englishman says “Fuck me superman you are a cruel cunt when you are pissed”

[/quote]

That pic is fucking hilarious.

The joke is an oldie but goodie. What you need to do is build it up more. Like some tourist is in town and he is visiting the fancy bar at the top and there is original artwork insert artist name etc.

This way Superman looks really nice for showing the tourist around. Then when the guy leaps to his death the bartender says, “Geez Superman you sure are a jerk when you are drinking.”

Whatever same punch line just build it up =p.

While we’re on Superman how bout this old one that everyone knows:

Superman is flying around the city when he spots Wonder Woman sun bathing completely nude on top of a building. He thinks to himself “damn I’m faster than a speeding bullet I can go down there and get a piece of ass and be done before she knows what is going on”.

So he flies down there and bam the deed is done and he is miles away. Wonder Woman says, “WTF was that?” The Invisible Man replies, “I don’t know but my ass sure hurts.”

Why did the baby cross the road? Cause it was stapled to the chicken’s back.

I remember reading this newspaper article a few years back when Tyson went to jail. It was talking about his first day there since he was a high profile athlete. He got to meet with the Prison Warden who gave him a personal tour. The Prison Warden showed Tyson where he would eat and how the line worked. He then showed him the shower rooms and how the laundry system worked.

Finally, he took him to his cell and introduced him to his cell mate. His cell mate was a hulking huge Black guy that weighed over 400 pounds named Bubba. Most people are intimidated of the guy but I guess he was really nice.

The warden said, “Bubba this is Mike Tyson do you think you can show him around and get along with him? Do you think you’ll do okay as cell mates?” Bubba said, “sure it won’t be a problem how bout you Mike?” Mike didn’t think it would be a problem so the warden left. Bubba turned to Mike and said, "we need to get this worked out quick so we can get along.

In ever relationship there has to be a husband and a wife and I’ll let you choose what you want to be." Mike didn’t have much hesitation and said, “I want to be the husband”. Bubba yelled at him, “get over here and suck your wife’s dick”.

7

[quote]Electric_E wrote:

Renton may chip in with his sick stuff later :slight_smile:
[/quote]

I have to beat Renton to this one:

What’s better that fucking twenty seven year olds?

There is twenty of them.

I am sorry, but I had to.

8

What’s the matter with you guys? These threads used to throw up some right good jokes!

What has 8 legs and a black hairy cunt?
The Spice girls

A man came home last night to find his girlfriend packing “I am leaving you! I have found out you are a peadophile” She shouts “Ohhh that’s a big word for a 10 year old” replies the man

Diary of an Austrian girl:
Monday- stayed at home got fucked by dad
Tuesday- stayed at home got fucked by dad
Wednesday- stayed at home got fucked by dad
Thursday- stayed at home got fucked by dad
Friday- stayed at home got fucked by dad
Saturday- Went to watch [insert rival team name] play football, wish I had stayed at home now.

Today it will be Muslim weather, Sunny or Shiete

9
  1. What’s an anniversary present for your wife that goes from 0-200 in 5 seconds?

A scale

  1. What’s the difference between a Mexican and a bench?

The bench can support a family of four

  1. Legal Immigration

  2. Why does Beyonce say “To the left, to the left”?

Because blacks don’t have any rights.

  1. Why is it never illegal to steal from a black guy?

It’s probably yours.

  1. Why did white people own slaves?

They were not strong enough to pick cotton - weak bastards.

  1. fWhy can’t white men jump?

They were too busy making racist jokes.

10

Do you know the story of how cornmeal came to be?

.
.
.
.
.

…Neither did the miller when he left his house that morning!

11

Little Red Ridinghood was walking through the forest when The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree.

“I’m going to eat you!” said The Big Bad Wolf.

Little Red Ridinghood replied, “Doesn’t anybody just fuck anymore?”

12

My GF said she wanted me to take her somewhere expensive tonight…so I dropped her off at the gas station.

13

A blond, brunette, and a redhead are at the mall. All three of them are pregnant. The Brunette says, “I’m going to have a boy”. The Redhead says, “I’m going to have a girl”. The Blond asks them how do they know the sex of their child this early. The Brunette explains that certain positions during sex/conception influence what the baby will be. The Blond looks shocked and immediately starts crying. The Redhead asks, “What’s wrong?” The Blond screams, “I’m gonna have a bunch of puppies.”

14

[quote]Rockscar wrote:
My GF said she wanted me to take her somewhere expensive tonight…so I dropped her off at the gas station.[/quote]

HA HA HA HA!!!

Gold!

15

A man is driving a semi load of bowling balls down the interstate. He stops at the first truck stop. The inspector comes out “hello sir i’ve got to inspect your load” the driver says “ok, but it’s just a load of bowling balls, you could get crushed.” the inspector just tells him to move along then.

As the man drives along, he sees two black boys wheeling a bike with a flat tire. He pulls over and asks them if they need a ride. They say they do. He tells them to get in, just be careful.

He gets to the next truck stop. the inspector comes out, this time the inspector goes straight to the back of the truck to check the load. He take a look in, then yells “go!!! go!!!” and runs back inside. His friend inside asks him “what was that about??”

his reply -"It’s a truck load of ^&**%$ eggs, two of them have hatched and they already stole a bike.

16

why couldn’t hellen keller drive?

she was a woman.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

give her a shovel.

what does the woman do when she gets back from the spousal abuse clinic?

the dishes, if she knows what’s good for her.

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

nothing, you’ve already told her twice.

Why did the woman cross the road?

who cares?! what was she doing out of the kitchen?

17

[quote]Blaze_108 wrote:
why couldn’t hellen keller drive?

she was a woman.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

give her a shovel.

what does the woman do when she gets back from the spousal abuse clinic?

the dishes, if she knows what’s good for her.

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

nothing, you’ve already told her twice.

Why did the woman cross the road?

who cares?! what was she doing out of the kitchen?[/quote]

Blaze, putting women in their place since 108.

18

[quote]ukrainian wrote:
Electric_E wrote:

Renton may chip in with his sick stuff later :slight_smile:

I have to beat Renton to this one:

What’s better that fucking twenty seven year olds?

There is twenty of them.

I am sorry, but I had to.[/quote]

Right punchline, wrong joke.

19

So this black guy dies; he goes to the pearly gates, where Peter is waiting for him. Peter gives him a pair of wings, and the black guy, all excited, asks “Peter, am I an angel!?”

To which Peter replies, “No, you’re a bat!”.

20

What you call a man with no feet and no shins…?

Toe-knee (tony)

What did Hiltler say to his men before they got into their tanks??

‘Get into your tanks’

Two sausages in a frying pan. One sausage goes ‘Fuck its hot in here’

Other sausage says 'AAAHHHHHHHHHHH, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!

A blonde walks into an electrical store and asks the sales assistant can she buy the tv over in the corner.
The sales man replies that he doesnt sell stuff to blondes.
She was quiet shocked with what she heard and just left the store without saying anything. She came back the next day with her hair died black, and asks if she could buy the tv in the corner, to which the sales man replies, sorry i dont sell stuff to blondes.
So she comes back the next day wearing a hat and has a fake mustache on. Again asks if she could buy that tv in the corner to which the sales man replies that he doesnt sell to blondes…
She bursts out this time, ‘How the fuck do you know im blonde’?
Sales man: Cause thats a microwave