If you have book recommendations I would be interested too.
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I am not a fan of Christianity in any form. I do believe that we are evolving, awakening, and that Jesus was a prophet, an enlightened master, as was Moses, and other prophets.
I also believe that the kingdom of god/source is a verb, not a noun, that it is within, that Christ consciousness is the goal - live like christ.
Before awakening, chop wood, carry water.
After awakening, chop wood, carry water.
Heaven is within.
Wouldnāt this be more of a Buddhist type belief that awakening would be to escape Samsara (the cycle of rebirth) and once awakened live on a higher plane or are you talking about higher existence on earth?
Higher existence on earth - samadhi. The unification of mind, body, and spirit. My rudimentary understanding of this is that samadhi stops the cycle of Samsara.
Clearly, not an expert - still looking for answers.
Appreciate the reply man. Iāll take this to your woo woo thread so we donāt disrupt this one.
Iām not really getting what youāre saying. The bloody drug Iām taking affects my eyesight (and surprisingly, my typing skills are worse than the eyesight issue although I normally donāt even look at the keyboard while I type).
Are you talking about the part about the brain kinda subconsciously re-wiring itself over the years? IM-very-fucking-HO I think itās like lifting heavier and heavier weights to force the body to adapt due to itās innate survival instinct.
The psychiatrist who was also qualified in CBT said my mind was FINE BEFORE CBT. It was the therapist that thought otherwise.
The issue I had was I used to lose control when I get really pissed off. Now, when I was a teen, this was not as big of a problem since I normally had peers who would would stop me if I went too far. I contained it by the time I was in uni.
However, certain events made it seem like this issue was resurfacing so I thought maybe I might ask a psychologist what I should do because if I go fucking batshit, someoneās goanna get really hurt and the legal consequences would be pretty severe.
So basically what the psychiatrist told me that during CBT, issues that my mind had rewired itself started resurfacing. Kinda like all the āprogressā I had consciously or subconsciously made over the years were being undone when this was UNNECERRARY.
So, in essence, I had CBT-ed my self but doing actual CBT kinda fucked it up.
Does this make sense lol? Is this what youāre referring to?
I wouldnāt call it āignoreā but rather self-adapted and accepted shit since I was told that one of the reasons CBT didnāt work FOR ME was that I already had a high level of self-awareness. People who start it and are successful mostly lack this. I have no idea if Iām making any sense lol.
Thanks for the info. Iāll check it out before I ask any further questions since I know BALLS about all these.
BUTā¦
If youāre all into ironies:
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The government sponsored course I signed up for goes deep into neural networks and shit.
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I already had a problem with CAPTCHAs with near perfect eyesight. Now, because of my eyesight problems caused by medication, I CANāT fucking pass them. The fucking projects about ROBOTS I need to start which require CAPTCHA verification think IāM A FUCKING ROBOT.
Yes, Iāve successfully repressed some really horrible stuff using a DIY approach (the Russian invasion of Ukraine is bringing some stuff back unfortunately) and from a psychiatric/psychological textbooks thatās probably considered extremely unhealthy, but hey, it works for me.
I assume that any attempt to āaccessā some of these memories through CBT or psychotherapy would cause severe mental health problems and very likely require medication.
Think of it this way - each of us has some emotionally charged vivid memories - your wedding day, graduation, first day of school, a loved one passing away etc. Now memories such as these, that at least in my case, will stay with me for the rest of time are what I call on the ānormalā spectrum. Sure, they emotionally charged, theyāre vividly remembered (either as good or bad) but theyāre what āregularā folks experience.
On the other had, youāve got the horrific stuff that is remembered in excruciating detail. In my head at least itās a video recording, and I really mean it. If I wanted to, I could transport myself in my mind to the time/place and read you the billboards on buildings, signs on window shops and tell you where each traffic light stood.
But the kick is that Iām not remembering only video/audio but smells and most importantly my mental/emotional state as well. So if were to replay the ātapeā in my head Iād get the latter replicated verbatim, meaning feelings of unspeakable horror and fear.
So the last, what, thirty years were an effort to prevent my mind from ever spontaneously āautoplayingā said tape, because that would beā¦bad. And stimulants, such as controlled substances and alcohol are somewhat increasing the possibility of it happening.
I think when I was fourteen I got into an argument with some well meaning American psychologist who worked for a NGO and wanted me to ātalk about itā. āWhy the fuck would you want me to talk about it? Iām trying to never ever think about it and Iām doing a darn good job and you want me to pick my brain for what, for a paper?ā
But many people are different, many benefited from extensive therapy sessions, survivors groups etc. Iām just not one of them.
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Perfect sense. Itās sort of what I was saying. Really, what we are talking about here, from my perspective, is PTSD, and that ties in with what @loppar is saying when he writes
Another rabbit hole the shrinks want to go down is called Inner Family Systems (IFS) that deals with childhood trauma. The theory is that these memorable events (trauma) create an āExile,ā an inner child that is stuck in the trauma. When a similar event happens, that Exile is triggered and takes over and does whatever the fuck it needs to feel safe - for me it was to self medicate, or to get extremely aggressive.
Technically, there is another part of your personality called a firefighter. When the exile is threatened, the firefighter comes out to protect the child, and it is singular in itās mission - put out the fire without concern for collateral damage.
When I was in Betty Ford, they referred to this as the lizard brain - the amygdala - which is only concerned with survival.
I think you are pretty self aware and that CBT was useless/harmful to you in the short term, and possibly the long term. For me, I needed to dig that shit up and deal with it. I think for you, it was not worth it.
I wanted to clarify that Bruleā is a breathwork guy, not necessarily a meditation guy, but they are very closely related.
Final note, can you define fag?
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Have you checked for any system updates? Perhaps youāre still waiting for Wi-Fi to begin the expansion download to pass the CAPTCHAs
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I was abused pretty thoroughly as a kid. I block it out. I donāt think about it. It seems to have numbed a lot of emotion in me. I form very shallow attachments to people. I say things and aks questions exactly as mean them, but apparently other people interpret them as veiled attacks or criticism. It took me years to find a therapist who was willing to not dig into my past and help me just work on my current issues. There is no way I could go in week after week and peel off scabs.
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Research supports that some proportion of people can endure severe trauma without developing PTSD, which is to say without developing symptoms (nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, etc). It sounds like you may have the great good luck to be someone with a level of āimmunityā to it. If so, Iām glad.
Other people are the opposite, and may be reactive to things that would seem silly to most people.
Life is strange.
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See, this is basically my definition of CBT. Impact of thought/feeling (cognition) on behavior. Period.
For both of you, @The_Myth & @cyclonengineer:
Black Elk Speaks is a fantastic book. You should probably just read the ācompleteā 2014 edition. It has a good introduction from Philip Deloria. I cannot tell what lessons I learned from it, but it is an interesting look into a spiritual belief system I assume most are unfamiliar with. If you read it and care to learn more about some practices mentioned, then The Sacred Pipe, another book containing Black Elkās words, is a quick yet helpful read.
I really enjoyed Fools Crow by Thomas E. Mails. (Thereās a different fiction book with the same title.) Again, Iām a Christian, so this may only pertain to me, but Fools Crow in particular discussed his beliefs in a way that was interesting to me, as it mentions a few times that idea of compatibility between the two belief systems. Thereās another book about Fools Crow from the same author. Fools Crow: Wisdom and Power. Havenāt read it yet.
The Pipe and Christ by William Stolzman, God is Red by Vine Deloria, The Lakota Way by Joseph Marshall, and maybe Richard Twissā books are all decent too.
These books are interesting to me, and spoke to me. I donāt want to promise that youāll like or find them interesting. Also, though I said Native American spirituality earlier, that is a misleading term. I donāt think it exists. Thereās some similarities between certain tribes, for sure, but also as many differences in their ways of thinking as Norwegians and Japanese. All of the aforementioned books are by Lakota people, or about Lakota beliefs. Theyāre specific to my people, and not necessarily applicable to any other of the hundreds of tribes in the U.S.
What is your belief of what happens when one dies? Genuine question. Iām curious.
@T3hPwnisher - I have a question for you that was raised when I saw you mention somethingā¦canāt remember in which thread though. Maybe your log? It was a week ago. I figure this is the best place to ask (maybe?) but if itās something you donāt want to answer, just tell me to shut up, haha. I thought you said something about being a baptism away from converting to Catholicism, but you didnāt feel you have the forgiveness/love in you to truly live out the required practices. Does this mean you believe in a god/God? The way you worded it made me think you maybe had the belief but not the ability or willingness to live the way youād be required to. Iād always thought of you as an atheist, maybe because of your own words or how I interpreted your words. Donāt really remember why I came to that assumption. Anyway, like I said, if you donāt care to address this, thatās fine.
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Always happy to chat dude.
I am open to the idea of God, a god, or gods existing. I donāt tend to ascribe labels to myself, as I find that limiting, and as such, claiming to be an atheist would be defeating. At the time I was considering converting, I was a firm believer in God as understood by Christianity. As it stands, I have great difficulty in believing in that PARTICULAR interpretation of God, but I havenāt ruled out the idea of an all powerful supreme creator/overseer.
I will say that, at present, the answer to the question doesnāt really concern me enough to have any sort of existential angst over it. Irrespective of the truth, I would change nothing.
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I believe the quantum physicists say that energy cannot be created or extinguished. Therefore, when my earthly vessel ceases its existence, my energy will be released into the universe and will manifest in some other form - could be reincarnation, I donāt know.
The earthly vessel idea ties in with the concept of samadhi in some ways, at least in my opinion. The idea that our soul cannot be contained by our body allows for finding heaven within, which is the destruction of ego. The concept of self is what separates and divides us from heaven.
I also find deism interesting. I canāt do it justice, and donāt mean to patronize, but deism is the concept of rational beings (humans) recognizing the divinity of creation, being able to see the hand of a creator in everything - plants, furniture, humans. That is my rudimentary understanding.
Not much to say in response, dude, just was genuinely curious to hear your thoughts. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Youāve mentioned Valhalla before, be cool if you worshiped the Norse gods, haha.
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I have looked into viking mythology. Its certainly interesting. Its a shame a bunch of white power a-holes have adopted it. Their gods are a lot more relatable: very flawed. Very Greek really.
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See, Iāve always like the Viking ones, but Iāve never liked the Greek gods. They just come across as dramatic teenagers to me, haha.
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@loppar @The_Myth and everyone:
I started writing a long post to address all your points but I stopped and discarded it in case shit happens again emotionally.
Iāll just say why I was convinced to stop CBT by the psychiatrist. People in his generation with such high levels of educations were either really smart rich kids or fucking brilliant poor kids. Heās one of the latter whoās a friend of my gym buddy and theyāre both fucking nuts. And the dude has decades of experience in both psychiatry and psychotherapy and has a fucking wall full of certifications in different methods of the latter.
So I listened to him. Thatās still how whatever thatās left of my mind works lol.