Women are Superior to Men

[OctoberGirl]

[quote]stockzy wrote:
OG, you’ve successfully distracted me enough with this thread today! But, on the plus side I work with 5 females who are now going to find me and my funny jokes, that much funnier.

Leading to more of this

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

And this…

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Thankyou![/quote]

I have to say, those made me laugh!!! but I am easily amused

[Makavali]

Yes dear.

[Doyle]

[quote]pookie wrote:

If you really care about making your ears more attractive, try placing your ankles behind them.

[/quote]

Funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time!

[RickyRick]

I hide the batteries before I tell my girl about the inferiority of man, I think she likes sex with mindless objects…

I read a statistic saying that men are attracted to women 2 sizes bigger than what women think men find attractive; I mean yeah skinny girls are attractive, but they are mean when their hungry.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs

Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types

How can you tell if a man is aroused? He’s breathing

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half of the time

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothin, you done told her twice

Did you know there are female hormones in beer? If you drink too much it makes you talk crap and drive horribly

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[RickyRick]

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

P.S. If you take anything personally on this thread its probably true…

[miroku333]

I can skip abs today, I’m exhausted from laughing.

[Otep]

[quote]MaximusB wrote:
anonym wrote:
Wow.

Pookie just pwned this thread.

X2[/quote]

x3

[jj_dude]

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
A MAN’S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASK

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?[/quote]

When I go shopping, I club anything I’m thinking of buying first, along with the oddball clerk. Now I enjoy shopping.

– jj

[blazindave]

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
HIS AND HERS ROAD TRIP

HER VERSION:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

4. Arrives at destination presently.

[/quote]

Hold on…

you forgot

3.1 Nod politely while you really have no idea what he is saying
3.2 Drive off and accidentally miss a stop sign, almost hitting a child
3.3 Scream in panic and swerve dangerously off the road as a bird flies 50 feet away infront of your car
3.4 Cause another accident, which makes your insurance sky rocket…again
3.5 Wait for tow truck while you cry
3.6 call all your girl friends telling them how you almost died
3.7 Cry together
3.8 Realise you STILL do not know where you are
3.9 Call taxi cab

and NOW

4. Arrive at destination

[Bujo]

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

GUIDELINES FOR MODERN MEN

• If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel. It’s unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.
  [/quote]

So many of my towels were monochromatic when I bought them now look like they were tie-dyed with cat vomit for this very reason.

[Petermus]

Men can act like jerks and your attracted to it, they can be obnoxious to the point where every guy in the room wants to kick their ass and you dig it. the list goes on.

Lets not forget you gullible fools are the reason were not in the garden of Eden

this is fun

[KBCThird]

Why Men are Superior

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.[/quote] We don’t have mysterious gynecological disorders

[quote]When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.[/quote] We can go to a porn store and as long as we come out with a “couples gift” it’s classy.

[quote]Men’s clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women’s clothes.[/quote] Men have approximately 3 fashion choices to make: 1) sneakers, warmups and a tshirt, 2) boots, jeans and a tshirt or 3) shoes, khakis and a button up. That pretty much covers it. Not this dress with those shoes, but not that necklace, unless you’re wearing this lipstick if you’ve got those doohickeys…

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We have groupies. You have stalkers.

We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Nobody ever bothered making a cartoon character worth lusting after for women.

Taxi’s stop for us.

Taxis may stop for you, but you will use an inappropriate apostrophe when spelling the word “taxis”

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

Men die earlier, so we dont have to worry about being around when you find out we never bought life insurance.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

We dont have an inane need to get our friends together, get dressed up to go dancing and bitch about guys. We just get together, drink and play video games.

We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

We get to see a woman’s boob size immediately and THEN decide whether she’s worth pursuing

If we’re not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.

we dont have to worry abotu the glass ceiling

It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

It’s quite possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower, too.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male’s Speedo.

The only fashion faux pas we could ever make is wearing a speedo, easily enough avoided

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

We can amuse ourselves simply by farting

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

We never have to wonder if our orgasm is real

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

If we don’t feel like shaving, we tell people a) we’re growing a beard b) we’re going for the miami vice look or c) “I didnt feel like shaving” and any of the three will be socially acceptable

We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.

We know which teammates are not to be trusted byt he ones who slap our asses

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

If we have a zit, we pop it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

…and you will never, ever have that comforting feeling of reassurance because of that.

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We dont actually have to have our own conversations. We can just re-enact caddyshack (subsection to the part about knowing not to trust a teammate slapping your ass - dont trust a guy who says “Caddyshack? never seen it”

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

Women get so exasperated with our lackadaisical attitude towards dressing that they do it for us.

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

We dont care if there’s spinach in our teeth

We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.

We know not to rely on “comfort foods”

Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

Gay waiters are supposed to make us uncomfortable? I never got that memo

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

…but you may regret piercing lots of other things that most guys would never consider piercing (true story: I once asked a coworker about what appeared to be a piercing through her lip, in addition to i think her nose, and eyebrow, as well as the several earrings she still had in. She snapped “It was a phase!”)

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We’re not insane enough to notice the coverings that another person uses to shield their feet from daily life.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

We have the remarkable ability and talent to hold a complete conversation all while picturing the other person naked … doing unspeakable things … with her sister … and other stuff

[OctoberGirl]

[quote]KBCThird wrote:
We have the remarkable ability and talent to hold a complete conversation all while picturing the other person naked … doing unspeakable things … with her sister … and other stuff[/quote]

please tell me you are not digging for change in your pocket during these conversations

[Airtruth]

[quote]wfifer wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

I’ve faked it.

[/quote]

fuckin asshole told the biggest male secret ever. No woman has ever known this, do you know how hard it will be to deal with their self esteem issues now? If you thought you were tired of hearing a size 2 was fat, wait until they all find out about this.

[Squiggles]

“You can control this entire planet with the right set of mammary glands.”

[lostinthought]

I wonder how much time was spent on the responses…?

[FormerlyTexasGuy]

[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
WHY MEN ARE SUPERIOR:

we dont have to make a thread announcing that we’re superior or fight for equal rights…because we make the fucking rules

/thread. man-pwnz[/quote]

hahahaha. True.

And we have penises.

[FormerlyTexasGuy]

[quote]blazindave wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
HIS AND HERS ROAD TRIP

HER VERSION:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

4. Arrives at destination presently.

Hold on…

you forgot

3.1 Nod politely while you really have no idea what he is saying
3.2 Drive off and accidentally miss a stop sign, almost hitting a child
3.3 Scream in panic and swerve dangerously off the road as a bird flies 50 feet away infront of your car
3.4 Cause another accident, which makes your insurance sky rocket…again
3.5 Wait for tow truck while you cry
3.6 call all your girl friends telling them how you almost died
3.7 Cry together
3.8 Realise you STILL do not know where you are
3.9 Call taxi cab

and NOW

4. Arrive at destination
   [/quote]
   hilarious!

[FormerlyTexasGuy]

what does w.i.f.e. stand for?
washing ironing fucking etc

Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
She starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
The man, he shouldn’t be driving in the kitchen.

Why don?t women wear watches?
There?s a clock on the stove!

What’s the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women’s clinic?

The god damned dishes if she knows what’s good for her.

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman (Oh wait, she did lose. As did Palin)

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

[1porsche]

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS

WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN:

1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Drive car.[/quote]

Weird I have done that for years. I like the sense of satisfaction though.