100 REASONS WHY IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY
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Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
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Movie nudity is virtually always female.
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You know stuff about tanks.
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A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
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Monday Night Football.
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You don’t have to monitor your friend’s sex lives.
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Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
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You can open all your own jars.
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Old friends don’t give a crap whether you lost or gained weight.
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Drycleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
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When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
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Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
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All your orgasms are real.
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A beer gut doesn’t make you invisible to the opposite sex.
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Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you. (Unless you smash them into the boards.)
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You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
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You understand why Stripes is funny.
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You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
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Your last name stays put.
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You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
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When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
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You can kill your own food.
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The garage is all yours.
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You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
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You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
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Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
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You never have to clean a toilet.
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You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
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Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
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Wedding plans take care of themselves.
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If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
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Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
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The National College Cheerleading Championship.
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You don’t have to shave below your neck.
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None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
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You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
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If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.
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You can write your name in the snow.
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You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
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Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
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Chocolate is just another snack.
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You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
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You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
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Flowers fix everything.
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You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
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You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
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You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
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Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
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You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
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You can say anything (“Wow, do my balls hurt!”) and not worry about what people will think.
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Foreplay is optional.
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Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
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Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
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You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
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You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader’s coming by.
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You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
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Car mechanics tell you the truth.
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You don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
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You can quietly watch a game with your buddy without ever thinking, ‘He must be mad at me.’
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The world is your urinal.
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You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s about to leave you.
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You get to jump up and slap stuff.
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Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
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One mood, all the time!
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You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
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You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too sleazy.
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You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
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You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
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Same work … more pay!
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Gray hair and wrinkles only add to your character.
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You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
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Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
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You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.
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With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
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You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
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If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
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The remote control is yours and yours alone.
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People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
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ESPN’s SportsCenter.
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You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
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Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
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You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
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You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
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You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
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If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friend you’ve changed.
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Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
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You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Screw it.”
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If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
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Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
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The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
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You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you are not in the mood.
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You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
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If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
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New shoes don’t blister, cut and mangle your feet.
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Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
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You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
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Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.
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Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, “So … notice anything different?”
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Baywatch.
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There’s always a game on somewhere.
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for all the man whiners (Live)
