Zap,
“I totally disagree. It is not training and eating healthy that is the problem. He could change all that and it would not fix the relationship.”
Funny that’s not what he said:
“Anyhow it seems that training and supplementation has really driven a huge wedge in our relationship”
You say “it’s not the problem” he says “it’s a huge wedge.”
It might be that there are larger issues at play, but I’m just working with what he’s told us.
"Even though I respectfully disagree with your post, I want to thank you anyway for the time and energy it took for you to respond.
I had planned a rather lengthy reply and justification but it appears my friends Northcott and Zap Branigan’s replies (although a tad harsher than if I had replied), are pretty good and on target.
Thank you and peace,
AssBuster"
Hey np. And you don’t have to justify anything to me. Like I said, I’m not in your house, I don’t know your wife, there’s no way I could know what the right decision is. But since 99% of the posters have been taking the “ditch her” angle I just thought the “Love conquers all” angle should have it’s fair say.
Cheers and good luck,
[quote]Grork wrote:
Good point, but what’s the abuse? She sarcastically points out that he’s really muscular in public. As I explained, personally I wouldn’t take that all too hard. If she made fun of his penis being to short in public, ya I would call that abuse. If she made fun of him for being stupid in public, I’d call that abuse. Read the actual things she said, they weren’t that bad and if anyone said them about me I’d a.) be flattered b.) chuckle along with them. [/quote]
I think abuse can be much more in the way something is said, than what is said. Public ridicule is abuse. Sharing a joke with someone is not. There is a big difference.
For example, you can say something “nice”, but roll your eyes and make a face to give everyone the clear indication you aren’t saying anything “nice” at all…
[quote]vroom wrote:
Grork wrote:
Good point, but what’s the abuse? She sarcastically points out that he’s really muscular in public. As I explained, personally I wouldn’t take that all too hard. If she made fun of his penis being to short in public, ya I would call that abuse. If she made fun of him for being stupid in public, I’d call that abuse. Read the actual things she said, they weren’t that bad and if anyone said them about me I’d a.) be flattered b.) chuckle along with them.
I think abuse can be much more in the way something is said, than what is said. Public ridicule is abuse. Sharing a joke with someone is not. There is a big difference.
For example, you can say something “nice”, but roll your eyes and make a face to give everyone the clear indication you aren’t saying anything “nice” at all…[/quote]
Great point Vroom. You have to keep in mind the intent behind the language that is said. Intent of communication can change & define it’s meaning altogether. Also, 80% of communication is the non-verbal things that are going on (aka- not the actual language that is said).
This could be gestures, facial expresions, tone of voice, etc. These all change the meaning of what is said. So, often times you have to go by HOW something is said & not just WHAT is said. If AB felt it was abusive & berating than it probably was.
[quote]vroom wrote:
Grork wrote:
Good point, but what’s the abuse? She sarcastically points out that he’s really muscular in public. As I explained, personally I wouldn’t take that all too hard. If she made fun of his penis being to short in public, ya I would call that abuse. If she made fun of him for being stupid in public, I’d call that abuse. Read the actual things she said, they weren’t that bad and if anyone said them about me I’d a.) be flattered b.) chuckle along with them.
I think abuse can be much more in the way something is said, than what is said. Public ridicule is abuse. Sharing a joke with someone is not. There is a big difference.
For example, you can say something “nice”, but roll your eyes and make a face to give everyone the clear indication you aren’t saying anything “nice” at all…[/quote]
vroom nailed it.
[quote]Grork wrote:
Zap,
“I totally disagree. It is not training and eating healthy that is the problem. He could change all that and it would not fix the relationship.”
Funny that’s not what he said:
“Anyhow it seems that training and supplementation has really driven a huge wedge in our relationship”
You say “it’s not the problem” he says “it’s a huge wedge.”
It might be that there are larger issues at play, but I’m just working with what he’s told us. [/quote]
You are correct. Like the old cliche’ about the stone cutter. “Was it that one blow or all those that came before it that broke the stone”?
In nearly 20 years of any relationship, there are lots of good and bad, but this was the final straw. For the life of me though it’s still mind blowing how after all that we’ve been through together that me living the bodybuilder/fitness lifestyle is the final blow to my marriage.
I wouldnt put the blame on any one thing. You have to keep in mind a marriage is a fusion of two people into one. These fusions don’t always work. Some you find out quickly, some take longer. Remember the good times, put the bad behind you, find a good lawyer and remember it takes more energy to be bitter, than to be happy. You and her have your freedom now, which is definitely good for people.
If love conquers all, then maybe during this separation she will see where she has been wrong, and make amends.
AB,
I think once you guys get seperated you both might start to miss each other. Now keep in mind some amount of nut-cracking is to be expected, but constantly, in public and in front of your kids, man I feel you.
It is possible she backs down on the nut cracking, however when you are apart she might just miss being able to take those shots that some of us are all to aware of, that you can’t really explain to the guy who never been through it…
Good luck with your chit, guess while she is gone you can get your chit together, after some time invite her out to a dinner or lunch and make it about her. See how it goes, but don’t expect nothing.
Later.
[quote]Grork wrote:
Zap,
“I totally disagree. It is not training and eating healthy that is the problem. He could change all that and it would not fix the relationship.”
Funny that’s not what he said:
“Anyhow it seems that training and supplementation has really driven a huge wedge in our relationship”
You say “it’s not the problem” he says “it’s a huge wedge.”
It might be that there are larger issues at play, but I’m just working with what he’s told us. [/quote]
I understand. I was trying to read between the lines.
I suspect the training is just something the wife focuses on but the problems are much deeper.
[quote]djrobins wrote:
AB,
I think once you guys get seperated you both might start to miss each other. Now keep in mind some amount of nut-cracking is to be expected, but constantly, in public and in front of your kids, man I feel you.
It is possible she backs down on the nut cracking, however when you are apart she might just miss being able to take those shots that some of us are all to aware of, that you can’t really explain to the guy who never been through it…
Good luck with your chit, guess while she is gone you can get your chit together, after some time invite her out to a dinner or lunch and make it about her. See how it goes, but don’t expect nothing.
Later.
[/quote]
With as much history as there is between us and the kids I expect there to be a little of the, “gee is this the right thing to do?” kind of second guessing going on.
I don’t expect her to act a fool but you never know for sure. I’ll just have to see how things play out.
We’ve both seen friends and co-workers turn into bickering assholes and what it can do to the kids. Neither of us wants to do anything to harm the kids.
I’ve already told her she can have whatever she wants. Material things really don’t mean shit to me. I can always replace anything she takes.
I’m not wealthy but have a good job and a nice little part-time consulting business and make descent bucks. I also have enough good credit to buy nearly anything I need.
Regarding her getting greedy or vindictive…I’m not too worried. Nevada is a no-fault, community property state so she can’t really screw me too bad. As far as child support that’s 18% of my gross automatically. I’m capped at the max because of my income, but I have no problem with that. I love my kids and they will have whatever they need. As far as spousal support; she has a good job and does alright so I don’t expect to have to pay that.
I’m sure though some asshole attorney could twist her into being a bitch about it but it wouldn’t do anybody any good especially the kids. I guess I’ll have to see how it all works out, but I’m not too afraid. I built myself from nothing before and if I have to I can do it again.
A.B.
Hey all,
This is the original poster of this thread.
I had another discussion with my wife, and it seems that the protein supplements are what she has the most difficulty with. Apparently that symbolizes something bad to her. It’s not the execise. For years she’s cut exercise routines out of magazines and passed them to me suggesting I do them while watching TV news in the evening. Now I’m doing just that. But I’m also reading JB’s Scrawny to Brawny and he strongly recommends protein/carb recovery drink suppliments.
As illogical as her objection is, I have to ask myself why I want to do this, and is it worth the trouble in the marriage.
My wife insists that for her, my body is just fine the way it currently is (5’11" at 168-170 pounds). So who told me there was something wrong with my body the way it was? To be honest, I have to say it was all those women I wanted to date in my 20s and early 30s who said theye were “too busy” to date with me. Actually, only one of them TOLD me I was too skinny for her. But I assume many of those others thought that too, because it appeared to me (and still does) that buff guys don’t find women to be “too busy” as often as I did.
But I’m married now. Why the hell should I care what those bitches think? All that should really count is what I think and what my wife thinks.
So setting the garbage aside and using as my modest goal a Russell Crowe/Brendan Frazer type body (my wife thinks they’re hot), I’m asking two more questions:
Although I occasionally need to move an enterprise-class server, my job does not require me to bench-press 300 pounds. So what are the legitimate health benefits of weightlifting beyond the exercise I was doing before (walking 1 mile round trip as part of my job commute, plus 2-3 bike rides/week around my hilly neighborhood)?
Is there a consensus that protein suppliments are absulutely necessary to gain muscular mass, expecially for those who’ve had difficulty bulking up in the past? If I pump iron with nothing but a well-balanced diet of normal food, am I wasting my time?
Thanks!
Load-bearing exercises (free weights) have the distinct benefit of increasing structural strength; your bones adapt to the stress of heavier lifting, thickening and strengthening. This helps preserve durability into old age. When other people are bent and fragile from osteopirosis, or breaking their bones in what should be trivial little accidents, the health-oriented weight-lifter will still be walking tall, living independantly, and probably capable of banging out a few chin-ups.
This is not accomplished with aerobic exercise, with swiss balls, bodyweight exercises, or with most machines.
You also get the benefit of the hormonal spikes caused by heavier exercise… and if you think keeping a strong T balance isn’t a major factor in quality of life as you age, think again. Look at how many people are stuck on anti-depressants across North America, and the terrible side-effects of those drugs. Yet what’s often overlooked is that T depletion has symptoms very similar to depression in men, and may even be responsible for the “mid-life crazy” that some men suffer through.
The heightened metabolism’s quite nice to have, too – that little extra defense against bodyfat.
And, frankly, there’s the myriad other benefits of having some extra “oomph” when you decided to do something. But if you can’t see the advantages in being stronger, faster, and more durable, then endless exposition on them won’t really help.
Protein supplements aren’t necessary at all. On the other hand, eating enough protein to make gains can be tiresome, time-consuming, and hard on the gut. Liquid protein is a safe, convenient alternative.
Now, having something against protein supplements in particular – that sounds fishy as all Hell to me. I mean… it’s just protein. What’s her beef with it? Does she have a problem with high-protein foods, like meats, dairy, eggs, etc?
But to answer your query directly; no, there’s nothing wrong with a well-balanced diet. It’s all the old-timers like Grimek and Reeves used, and they got awfully strong and muscular. You can do it, it’s just harder/less convenient.
[quote]dancar wrote:
Hey all,
This is the original poster of this thread.
I had another discussion with my wife, and it seems that the protein supplements are what she has the most difficulty with. Apparently that symbolizes something bad to her. It’s not the execise. For years she’s cut exercise routines out of magazines and passed them to me suggesting I do them while watching TV news in the evening. Now I’m doing just that. But I’m also reading JB’s Scrawny to Brawny and he strongly recommends protein/carb recovery drink suppliments.
As illogical as her objection is, I have to ask myself why I want to do this, and is it worth the trouble in the marriage.
My wife insists that for her, my body is just fine the way it currently is (5’11" at 168-170 pounds). So who told me there was something wrong with my body the way it was? To be honest, I have to say it was all those women I wanted to date in my 20s and early 30s who said theye were “too busy” to date with me. Actually, only one of them TOLD me I was too skinny for her. But I assume many of those others thought that too, because it appeared to me (and still does) that buff guys don’t find women to be “too busy” as often as I did.
But I’m married now. Why the hell should I care what those bitches think? All that should really count is what I think and what my wife thinks.
So setting the garbage aside and using as my modest goal a Russell Crowe/Brendan Frazer type body (my wife thinks they’re hot), I’m asking two more questions:
Although I occasionally need to move an enterprise-class server, my job does not require me to bench-press 300 pounds. So what are the legitimate health benefits of weightlifting beyond the exercise I was doing before (walking 1 mile round trip as part of my job commute, plus 2-3 bike rides/week around my hilly neighborhood)?
Is there a consensus that protein suppliments are absulutely necessary to gain muscular mass, expecially for those who’ve had difficulty bulking up in the past? If I pump iron with nothing but a well-balanced diet of normal food, am I wasting my time?
Thanks![/quote]
Again, it’s all about priorities and motivation in your life. You admit that your motivation to want to improve your physique was to impress other women. If so then don’t bother if you are happily married. What’s the point? However if this is something you want to do to improve your health and feelings of wellbeing then don’t give up just because your wife feels insecure. Take it from someone who knows…You’ll hate yourself for it later.
I think Northcott gave you some excellent information on some of the benefits of weight training so I won’t rehash what he said.
Now maybe I’m just a little cynical after what I’ve been through but if your wife is busting your balls about protein supps and it’s not due to a legitimate financial concern then it’s about control and insecurity. Been there done that and have the shitty life experiences and pending separation to show for it. Did you read my posts?
If it’s about control and her insecurities then if you don’t confront it now then you’ll be just like me in the future; her doormat. Take it from a man who knows. You say oh well it’s no big deal and you rationalize away the problem. Just like the CRAP you said in your recent post. Then it’s I don’t want you to do this or that, or go there without me, or hang out with him because he does this that or the other. And before long she’s leading your life for you and you’re as miserable as I am.
Take it from a fellow doormat, either man up and stand your ground now or be prepared for a hellish life until you do. Don’t put it off and find yourself 5, 10, 15 years from now with kids, a mortgage and responsibility out of the ass and say to yourself and any friends you might still have left that she hasn’t alienated, “I wish I would have listened to those guys on T-Nation”. You better think long and hard before rolling over and taking it, but hey, it’s your life.
Good luck my friend, I think you’re going to need it.
AssBuster
Dancar, I think bulking up for the sole reason of impressing chicks is ironically brokeback. If that’s all you are doing this for then in your situation I see no point. You may as well stay at 170 pounds.
[quote]jacross wrote:
Dancar, I think bulking up for the sole reason of impressing chicks is ironically brokeback. If that’s all you are doing this for then in your situation I see no point. You may as well stay at 170 pounds.[/quote]
Dancar-
As a female, I absolutely agree with this statement from jacross. Trying to get as lean, muscular & healthy as possible shouldn’t be to impress some chick you aren’t married to, or in my opinion even your wife. You need to do this for you, the looking good is just an extra benefit. If you are not training for yourself, you will never make this your lifestyle, it’s just too hard to do this much work to impress other people. From my perspective, and not to belittle you, I would not respect a man enough to marry or even date them if the only reason they worked out was to look good for others. Think about why you are really doing this & if it is for good reasons then keep at it. If it’s to pick up other women, abandon ship immediately- your wife deserves at least that much respect.
As for your wife opposed to protein sups? That is just bizarre…
This topic hit close to home for me. I have a close friend who’s wife is very unsupportive of him exercising at all. We grew up together and we always enjoyed working out, that all changed when he got married. She is over weight, but my buddy is still pretty lean d/t playing organized sports. A few years ago we spent the weekend in a cabin, we went for an hour long hike one day, mind you it was flat land and a relaxed pace, well my friend’s wife was pissed by the end because she was so beat! She spent the rest of the day sulking- later my buddy informs me that next time we get together for vacation they won’t be able to physical activities like the walk through the woods, man have some balls! If it was anyone else I wouldn’t give a shit, but I love this guy and hate to see him submit like this. I feel like part of what made our relationship fun is gone forever, it makes me sad.
They live out of state so we don’t get to hang out very often- when they come to visit I always invite him to lift with me (the gym is in the garage), but he won’t do it because his wife is there, so I end up working out alone when they’re visiting. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss my workouts. My buddy’s wife was a tad on the heavy side when they got married, but now she’s totally sedentary and slabs of weight have piled on. When we’re all together I try to suggest doing mildly physical activies like walking in the neighborhood after dinner, they never take me up on it. So my wife and I walk by ourselves. I know my friend would join us if his wife were not there.
But my wife is very supportive, we both intergate working out into our lifestyle. When she gets home from work I often watch our baby so she can get in an intense 30-45 min with the iron. It’s a win-win situation: she’s taking care of herself and unwinding after work, and I’m happy because I have a fit wife.
A word of warning to all you single guys out there, make sure the one you marry takes some pride in her health, this is something she needs to do 100% on her own without being pushed to workout by anyone. Unless you want a wife who’ll gain 60lbs of fat after a couple years.