ya, back days make me feel like a kiddie at the playground for whatever reason LOL I just wanna do everything!!
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K kick ass ass-kick today 
Squats
135lbs x 2 sets of 5
155lbs x 5
165lbs x 5
175lbs x 5
all good
front squats
95lbs x 2 sets of 8
105lbs x 8
single leg ext.
40lbs x 8 w/pause
60lbs x 6
70lbs x 6
30lbs x 12
ropey cable pull through SS DB pliƩ squat
25lbs/50lbs
x 12/ x 10
x 12/ x 10
x 15/ x 12
leg press machine drop sets
210lbs x 8
170lbs x 8
110lbs x ct fletcher set
leg spreader
55lbs x 100 + 100 partials
goblet squat
30lbs
x 10
x 12
x 15
stepmill intervals x 20 minutes
back ext.
BW x 5 sets of 15
done Purdy gooOOOOd
welp, some shit :
Yesterday on POF my ex messaged me. He asked how I was doing and then told me he is no longer living with his ex (before me) and he is finally free.
Great.
thanks
for sharing
Are you still an emotionally abusive , narcissistic piece of crap though?
I just said things were going great and good for u basically
then he got all defensive like HEy woah I am not looking to get back up in there just thought I would say hey
k
I never thought u were?
I forgot you were even on here, he says, I just signed up out of boredom
BULL
SHIT
I say.
He must have forgotten and deleted my number and regretted it when he was done living with that hoe and wanted to contact me and knew he would find me there.
Also, having to say I forgot u were on there is like I DONT CARE OR THINK ABOUT U FYI
(typical )
and hey not looking to get back TYPICAL because then he gets to someone reject me when he was the one making advances
again
typical
mind fuck
is he a walking talking mind fuck and I hate him and I wish this didnāt happen
Things seem so unfair
why couldnāt he have stopped living with her 4 years ago
I had to go through all this begging him over and over to stop living with her because it gave me too much anxiety and then when I become free and happy away from he BOOM he does this now?
WHY NOT A YEAR AGO
WHY NOT 3 YEARS AGO
WHY FUKING NOW in the very happiest freest time in my life did u fucking find me and contact me
anyway I didnāt sleep at all last night and I was honestly kinda scared to work out today because I really, really didnāt want to have a bad workout on top of this , but I am glad I went , it was a good session.
I donāt know if anyone else has ever been involved with a narcissist before , but itās a very fucking difficult thing to deal with, especially when u have crippling anxiety and are a very naturally sensitive person.
First off they beat you down to a pulp emotionally and then they become the only people who can make u feel better so they drop love bombs on you so you cling to them for dear life and anxiously await the fleeting moments when they tell you everything you want to hear, then they start back up with the horrible shit again and you basically just become this lifeless blob of self-loathing .
At times it can be almost an impossible addiction to break and even if you do itās a slippery slope for years afterwards .
Anyway, blah blah.
I have to get into full blown self preservation mode
Not that I really have any clue how to do that, but I think iāll reach out to some friends and def. spend a lot of time with my mom over the weekend .
k
BYE
1 Like
You own the weight room when youāre there; why not own the rest of the world? I know this is like telling you to calm down when youāre anxious, but I canāt figure out another way to put it----you have to figure out a way to convince yourself that you are a badass and you donāt need anyone. You may choose to want someone someday but you donāt need them. Self-confidence is the key to pretty much everything. Once you master that then nothing can hold you back.
Dude pulls some of this crap? Fā him; donāt need him, moving on.
Friend says something behind your back? Who cares; next friend, moving on.
Iām not sure if itās a cop thing, a guy thing, or just my personality, but I have the ability to cut the cord and cut you out of my life without regrets if you hurt me. I donāt need it. If youāre not going to treat me the way I deserve then so be it; I just donāt have to put up with less than that.
You donāt have to go into self preservation mode. You just have to find that confidence; figure out what you need/want out of your life and proceed accordingly. If that excludes certain people then so be it. YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER THE WORLD (we all do in our own way)
5 Likes
I really needed this post . Thanks. You are so right about the confidence thing ā¦its the one major thing ever anxious person is missing from their arsnel . I donāt think Iāve ever really figured out how to get it from thin air lol. But it know itās there somewhere inside me. Itās just a matter of tapping into it
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I deal with narcissists every day in my job, and deep down the way they behave is simply a result of their low self esteem and poor self worth. They are always attracted to sensitive, kind and anxious people because that is where they feel they can best exert their power.
Ex boyfriend narcissist can only make you feel how you allow him to make you feel. You choose, by your reaction, to allow him to manipulate how you feel, thus maintaining control.
FUCK THAT SHIT!
YOU ARE STRONG!
YOU ARE FUNNY!
YOU ARE DETERMINED!
Tell this guy in no uncertain terms what a peice of shit he is and be done with it. This is the universes way of testing your current self-actualization. Donāt let him ruin that!!!
3 Likes
Because, this is the Universe telling you what you need to work on. What is it trying to tell you?
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Hey Jenn youāre on a roll, you hit a little rock. Crush it, with a sledgehammer. (not literally ya know).
ā¦
And as the Myth said, itās life, it will always test us.
JMaier put it very accurate too.
Have you tried some of this woo woo mindfulness stuff.
I know some people with high stress and anxiety gets really help from that. (I havenāt tried it, Iām a very manly man, and manly men donāt do shit like that, but
I do yoga) 
But mostly this post is something like: āI just want to show you that I careā
2 Likes
So where is your head at girl?
1 Like
Thanks for the responses guys, you all da best 
I will be honest yesterday was not my strongest, proudest day. The sleep deprivation probably made it far worse than it would have been. My mind is a complete wreck without a good nights sleep, I really rely on that to keep my demons at bayā¦
He and I talked back and fourth yesterday and every other thing was a total manipulation/put down of me and I really didnāt even have the energy to care enough to do anything about it. Though half of me was like I hate this, I hate him, and the other half was like YES BUT WE ARE compelled ! WE MUST RESPOND ! . LIke wtf, drop dead stupid half side of my brain/heart.
He started straight off the bat with sex talk too, even though he claimed he wasnāt ātrying to get back up in thereā. No , āoh hey, I am sorry I was the worst possible thing that ever happened to you and I treated you like a sack of shitā just BAM, hereās my penis . MKAy
It seems to be all over with now though . I said God, itās so unfair. Why did you tell me the one thing I have been waiting for years to hear you say and then basically turn around and use it to just try and get into my pants again? GAH .
GAH
So needless to say he didnāt respond and he wont have the balls to. Which is perfect really , just donāt respond. I knew the answer the question before I asked it. BECAUSE YOU ARE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING.
So if this was a test I canāt say I passed but I didnāt fail horribly, either.
Anyway, today I slaughtered shoulders so
One arm landmine press
bar +
10lbs x 10
20lbs x 10
27.5lbs x 10
1 drop
10lbs x 20
plate lateral raises w/pause at top SS seated DB press SS straight arm DB lateral raises
2.5lbs/27.5lbs/5lbs
x 12/ x 10/ x 15
x 12/ x 10/ x 15
2.5lbs/30lbs/5lbs
x 12/ x 12/ x 20
facepulls 3 x 20 w/pause
military press
65lbs x 4
75lbs x 4
80lbs x 3
65lbs x 10
pinkies up DB raise SS Arnold press SS plate raises
17.5lbs/17.5lbs/25lbs
x 10/ x 10/ x 10
x 10/ x 10/ x CT fletcher set
incline DB press w/pause at bottom SS incline DB pec fly
25lbs/10lbs
x 8/ x 10
x 8/ x 10
x 8/ x 12
hammer curl drop set
25lbs x 8
20lbs x 8
15lbs x 10
EZ bar tri ext.
strip set
x 8
x 8
x 10
x 12
x 15 or a million I dunno
stepmill intervals x 20 minutes
DB tri kick back rest pause set
10lbs
x 15, x 12, x 10, x 8
DOne
K good.
I think I will watch a movie tonight and rest up tomorrow and do heavy squats on Sunday. My brain is tired .
k
BEY
BYE
6 Likes
Love your thoughts and debating with yourself Jenn, in the end you come up with the right answer.
On another note, love your workouts too. Damn you really trash yourself when you get to that gymā¦ almost everyf***** day
Enjoy the rest day and the movie, would it be a romance or action movie ?
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Hahah thanks I honestly donāt think I have the self control not to make myself suffer during a single workout regardless of how i feel. My mindset was always like why the fuck am i here if not to make today count?
I watched adaptation . Iāve seen it before but damn is it ever a good movie. The main character has all these anxious racing thoughts all the time and I just want to be friends 
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Anyway, last night sucked hardcore . Hard to the core, yo!
He ended up responding to me basically saying he didnāt mean to do any of this he just hated my OCD mind. Like placing the blame on me and my mind as to the reason why any of this was even an issue or why it stirred anything up.
Pretty sure if someone is with someone for multiple years who is living with their ex girlfriend and sleeping with both of you and dumping you repeatedly to go back to her the news that that living arrangement was now over would elicit an emotional response on ANY BODY HUMAN. Itās not OCD, itās called not abusing drugs and alcohol and still having the capacity to feel things.
Then he went one to blame my OCD as to the reason why we didnāt work out or why he never fully committed to me and that the sex was the only good part.
It was heartbreaking even though I knew it was all just a ploy to hurt me and control me and make me think less of myself.
He said he just like to chill and relax and I was always energetic and organized.
Yes
You liked to lay around and not move and I liked to do fun activities and make , dear god, reservations !!
I have energy, fucking sue me .
Iiiiiiiiii
likeee MOVINGggggggg and not napping
K anyway .
I hadnāt cried since the day we stopped talking and when he was in my life I legit cried 4 times per week and last night I had to fucking cry again . Then I was so mad that I somehow wound up back into this then I was mad that I have to hurt inside and he gets to walk around fully believing I was the deserving party and that no guilt is warranted.
But I called my mom and we talked until late and it helped a lot. Thank G today was a rest day though , I feel pretty shitty today.
I just hope this all blows over and doesnāt linger . I just want to get back to where I was a few days ago , SOB .
Oh and rest day shit same as always, foam roll, stretch, yoga, core, glute band shit , walk
k
BYE
2 Likes
Girl. Holy shit I just read through the first part of this log. I donāt know I I need to run or have a boner. Seriously donāt give your precious soul to douchebags. You seem to be a very attractive girl and men who treat you poorly are stupid.
Get your big girl panties on. Fucking get over it when you can, sooner rather than later, and roar lioness. You got this. You bad ass thing you.
2 Likes
āYouāre an asshole. You make me feel like shit. Itās your fault. Donāt ever contact me again.ā
This is how you respond and end it. Donāt read anything he ever sends again! Cut the cord.
Iāve known you for about a week in the form of online training forums and I can still confidently tell you that he will never bring anything positive to your life so thereās no reason to let him hang around.
You know how you build your confidence and self-esteem? Small victories. One decision/victory at a time. You have an opportunity to do that by cutting the cord permanently. Send him a final message or donāt. That part isnāt important. Stop reading/answering his shit. Move on. You deserve it!
You were having an awesome week and he came out of nowhere and messed that up. You can still salvage the week and even give yourself a win by simply moving on. Donāt give it another thought. And when it creeps in (because we all know it will), do your best to distract yourself and let it drift from your mind so it doesnāt consume you.
This isnāt a loss!
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Please dear Jenn, read your rant.
That MF SOB A***hole. Tell him to get out of your life, block his number on your phone.
Iāll remind you the first lines:
Tell him to get the F**k out of your life.
THIS will not stop Jenn. You have to end it right here, right now.
If not, youāll be sorry for a long time.
I know this will not be easy for you, and youāll have a very hard time doing it. Butā¦
3 Likes
I know you guys are ALL 100% right , I have zero doubt that heās the worst person Iāve ever met and no good will ever come from talking to him.
Blocking his number doesnāt work though because then his number just stays on my blocked list and then I can see it and remove it anytime, which I def. do not want. I also can just check my blocked messages folder at any time and see messages there from him so nothing is ever really gone or blocked if you catch what Iām saying.
I am going to either check with my service provider and see if they can remove it in a more effective way or change my number all together. But I canāt really do that until Iāve gotten my schedule and started at my new job because I donāt want to worry that I am missing out on communication.
Right now my plan is to just not read any messages he sends and delete them right away . I only have panic attacks when I see what he is saying to me , but if I donāt know what heās saying I canāt respond and I have no reason to cry.
Thanks so much you guys for listening to me ramble about this. I know itās been ongoing for what feels like a lifetime , but talking really does help.
4 Likes
Come on girl. You are not weak! Put this prick in his place and move on. You have too much going for you to let this guy get to youā¦ (easier said than done I know. The heart desires what it desires.)
Sex is easy to find.
2 Likes
Ok amazing workout today
Squats
135lbs x 2 sets of 3
155lbs x 3
165lbs x 3
175lbs x 3
180lbs x 3
185lbs x 2 sets of 3
front squats
115lbs x 2
125lbs x 2
135lbs x 2
140lbs x 1 coulda done two, but didnāt want form to be stupid
leg spreader
65lbs x 40
70lbs x 20
85lbs x 20
100lbs x 10 or some shit
1 drop
55lbs x 50 partials
giant super set giantly super setted
ropey cable pull through SS goblet squat SS DB pliƩ Squat SS DB single leg RDL s
35lbs/35lbs/35lbs/15lbs
x 12/ x 10/ x 15/ x 10 * leg
x 12/ x 10/ x 15/ x 10 * leg
42.5lbs/35lbs/35lbs/15lbs
x 12 + 1 drop 20lbs x CT fletcher set/ x 10/ x 15/ x 10 * leg
single leg ext.
30lbs
x 15
40lbs x 2 x 10
stepmill intervals x 20 minutes
K good
felt strong etc,
slept tons etc.
My brain still feels like a pretty unhappy, unsafe place though unfortunately.
I was horribly depressed during my time with this guy obviously, and when I was finally free and no longer dwelled or felt I would ever see/speak to him again my brain started producing the happy chemicals again.
Now I feel like theyāre gone , and I donāt understand why. Itās not like I even saw him and nothing else in my life has changed. I am still super excited about my new job and happy with my body and my workouts have been going amazing, yet I feel so terribly sad inside . I just want my happy chemicals to come back . And not like stupid synthetic ones that were the result of something, I just want them there naturally on their own without reason.
I feel needlessly miserable. ā¦
And you say sex is easy to find or w/e , but that has never been the case for me. Iāve had to go years without sex and this guy was the first guy in my entire life that I slept with more than like 2 times.
Not that that even matters right now really. I donāt feel like I am missing sex or that I even want it. My sex drive is pretty low ATM, which is fine, but I also kind of feel like terrified of the thought of having to sleep with someone who isnāt this person.
I guess thatās stupid , but like I said all of my previous experiences were like one timers that where pure nothingnesses and this wasnāt.
Anyway, whatever it doesnāt matter and I have no point. I am just sadlessly blabbering.
What if I have to go multiple years without someone touching me again is it basically, or what I am too fucked up to even know how to be with someone else .
K iāll shut up now
///
BEY
BYE
Sex should be last in the relationship. Once you find someone and connect to them on all other levels the sex part will be easy 
A lot of people do things backwards and have sex before developing the relationship. Sex connects people on a deep level so the other fundamental aspects of the relationship should be covered first.
Donāt worry about that crap. First, Spock needs to be healthy and happy. Once thatās achieved then maybe youāll let some lucky guy spend some time in your world.
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God youāre so right . It wonāt be scary at all sleeping with someone who I have connected with. I have such a backwards mindset about this sort of thing, but youāre absolutely right
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