I have a sheet at work that compares “when you give up your boundaries in a relationship” with “when your boundaries are intact.” A therapist gave it to me when I started really falling apart in my marriage (years before it actually ended - I got mad at the therapist and quit her, lol). To the point, though, a line I really like that speaks to life itself, well beyond relationships, is:
Living a life that is not yours, that seems unalterable.
vs
Living a life that mostly approximates what you’ve always wanted for yourself.
Which is where I am and it sounds like both of you are, too, which is fantastic. I guess the last piece for you, Spock, is making sure that guys you date or have relationships with fit into the “mostly approximates the life you’ve always wanted for yourself” frame.
No I was just beating myself up for not pausing my squats long enough, but then I reassured myself that theres no competition pause requirements for squat and getting upset about it was stupid lol. I pause my bench for an hour…
Pausing my squats unnecessarily long would probably make my hips feel 80 anyways, lol
Ok another interesting point…
I haven’t seen work guy in two weeks. Last time we hooked up he went so far as to insult my walk. I mean he has insulted my routine, my lifestyle, my taste in movies and TV shows, my sense of humor , the clothes I wear , so why should adding my stride to that this really matter ?! I dont know, but it did. He imitated my walk for like 10 minutes and I felt humiliated . He doesnt tease , he just flat out insults .
Later that night I said "did you EVER think for one FUCKING second if you stopped nit picking and insulting every little thing about me that I could stop acting so fucking insecure and act normally around you?!?!
Anyway , we haven’t hung out since. He invited me to captain marvel but I dont want to see that movie anyway so i said no.
I have zero lust left.
And another note:
Theres this other guy we both work with. He and I are besties . We IM all day and talk outside of work. Hes married, but we have lots in common. He lifts , like nerdy shit, we like all the same music and TV shows and we have identical senses of humor . This is more like a brother sister thing , obviously, hes a very good man, but the asshole I was into is super tight with this guy. They lift together in the morning and my shitty guy worships this other guy.
But hates everything about me ?
Me and this nice guy have agreed we are the opposite gender versions of each other .
Obvs he doesnt know I was sleeping with his buddy, and he invited me to lift with them LOL , could you imagine.
But why didnt the shitty guy give his bro the 3rd degree about having a diet and loving Seinfeld like he did with me?
I have a hard time connecting with women right now. I think it’s just at this point in my life a lot of women my age (32) are in their baby phase or have babies and I honestly hate babies. I’ve lost touch with a lot of people I went to school with because I dont want to visit with a house filled with kids .
A lot of them are married too , obviously. They are doing adult shit and I dont really have much adult shit to do lol.
I have more in common with a 12 year old boy than a 32 year old woman.
Ok, this might sound wrong and I’m sure most people will say I’m wrong…but I’m not. In real life there is always something else going on under the surface when women and men claim platonic friendships. Its a dangerous game. Men are programmed to have sex with about 90% of women. Right now there are three women in this office and I’d probably have sex with two of them, unlucky chubby admin girl, assuming I wasn’t married and even then its something I’d have to show some willpower for.
I think you need to find like minded wimmin friends spocko, you’ll be less conflicted and happier. They’ll also help you bust gobshites head in.
Now its not uncommon for one of the people in the mixed sex platonic relationship to have no romantic or other interest or intentions, but see enough of these go on for long enough and it will come out that at least one side is there for different reasons. Not always romantic or sexual, but, as alph says, always something else going on under the surface.
Yeah, you are wrong. I agree that it happens, it’s the ‘almost always’ part that I take issue with. I’ve seen it happen quite a few times, but there are far more times where there’s nothing there, and the platonic relationship is what it is. It’s just that the times when something goes weird are the ones that stand out, so those are what you remember when you think about this sort of situation.
My BFF and I were friends for over 20 years. We were friends thru his first wife’s passing and the wedding to his second wife. And he was there for me through my divorce. Never once did we ever entertain the thought of jumping in the sack.
We talked about anything and everything else right up till the day he died.
In a weird counterpoint to my earlier statement, I’m currently married to my best friend. I’m talking, she was my little sister’s best friend in elementary school, we became best friends after my sister’s suicide at 15, we stayed best friends through 2 marriages for me, 1 marriage for her, moving back and forth across country for 11 years while in the Navy. She’s the godmother of my 3 kids and now also their stepmother. She was my 1st wife’s good friend as well, until that marriage fell apart. There was no friend zone, no torch carrying until we reconnected after I filed for divorce from my second wife, and things just clicked and it made sense for us to be together. My second wife was absolutely convinced something had to be going on, but there never was any thought of it.
I dunno , most of the non sexual friendships I’ve had with men have been far healthier then my friendships with women
Take chalk squat boy for example. Never had sex , never will. But we talk to one another almost daily about our failed relationship attempts and our failed squat attempts .
Ryan, the man who helped me get my job, we’ve been friends for 20 years. I set him up with his wife. Never had sex, never will, but we’ve both suffered from depression and can have very in depth, helpful conversations with one another about our messy brains. He doesnt share that in common with his wife . We have each other and its wonderful.
And this nice guy from work, zero sexual chemistry. Very brother sister dynamic. We help pass the time at work by messaging about lifting and movies.
These people also help me with regards to shitty men. They advise against my choices without sexual motives .
If I met a female who I could share these things with , great. But I dont need to seek it out
